Is sex the most important thing

in a relationship?

If you’ve been with someone for a while, and they just don’t turn you on, and you’ve told them how you feel, and tried to explain how to improve the situation, and they just don’t seem to get it, or take you seriously, what should you do? Just say “well, sex isn’t everything, she’s good to be with, and a great mother to our kids, etc etc”, or is it saying that there is something deeply wrong with the relationship ?

This thread is useless without pictures.

If she says no it’s not important to her, but recognises your need, does clear the way for a bit on the side?

Not sure.

I do know it’s very useful in Scrabble.

How many so called “great marriages or relationships” are built on or kept going by sex? The trouble is you’ll never get a true answer as too many people will not want to be seen by others as “failing”
There are many many things that keep relationships together and if you need proof ask any soldier who’s had his legs and tackle blown off by an IED and they’re still very happily married/living together. Love and trust go much deeper than sex. Lots and lots of opinions I’m sure but only you know if your actually happy on all fronts to stay together.

Up to the individuals, see a counsellor (for talking, not sex).

DrJ are you me… You’re not alone !

But the feelings can change depending what’s going on in your brain !

If you’ve been with someone for a while, and they just don’t turn you on

Pulse, check
Naked, check
Not going to phone the police, check.

Whats not to like.?

DrJ, Unfitgeezer + me. Not had any “physical relations” with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She’s 7 in May 😐

Maybe she stopped bothering ‘cos you just don’t turn her on anymoar?

Hadge – Member
There are many many things that keep relationships together and if you need proof ask any soldier who’s had his legs and tackle blown off by an IED and they’re still very happily married/living together.

Yes but physically being unable to have sex is different to being unwilling, it breeds (ho ho) resentment.

The one universal truth about relationships is the smartie (or M&M) rule. For every time you have sex with your partner before marriage you put a smartie in a jar. For every time you have sex after marriage you take a smartie out of the jar. No-one has ever emptied the jar! If they say they have then they’re lying, or double dipping.

Not had any “physical relations” with the missus since Little MissG was conceived. She’s 7 in May

😯

Really.? I thought blokes just joked about this sort of stuff but 7 years FFS.!!!

Really.? I thought blokes just joked about this sort of stuff but 7 years FFS.!!!

Unfortunately, yes.

I have thought about leaving/playing away many, many times but can’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t leave the kids (x2).

The one universal truth about relationships is the smartie (or M&M) rule. For every time you have sex with your partner before marriage you put a smartie in a jar. For every time you have sex after marriage you take a smartie out of the jar. No-one has ever emptied the jar! If they say they have then they’re lying, or double dipping.

Interesting. What does that say about marriage in particular I wonder? I know the same applies to long-term relationships, but then that’s easier to get out of (I assume, never married).

I mean, I often wonder whether some people get married out of a feeling of insecurity. Kind of ‘a contract to seal the deal’ rather than a religious thing… again, only speculating.

Maybe you need to up your game.. new techniques, ropes, blindfolds, cosplay, power tools, whatever you fancy to change it up and keep it fun. Either talk to your Mrs or just start surprising her.

wobbliscott – I understand the sentiment – but I couldn’t make a packet of revels last 20 years – so there 😉

Every relationship needs working on.

Cynic-al hit it on the head.

DrJ, think you’ll find a large number of married men (I won’t say the majority as some will be along soon enough to say they get it 7 times a night) will have a similar story.

Things change in life, kids bring a tiredness that you just get used to, working long hours, lack of time with just each other all combine to create a scenario that soon becomes the norm.

My wife gives me the low down on all her girly nights out and apparently at twice a month I’m top of the class, several men in FreddyGs situation.

Why do you think we all hang out here and bicker and moan all day 🙂

Sex is like air.

It’s only important if you’re not getting enough.

just satisfy yourself and keep your finger in (so to speak) with marital copulation every now and then. Everyone’s a winner! Lots of bonding takes places when you see sparks together so I feel it’s important to keep some physicality going.

Jam, I’m not sure, I’ve never tried to philosophise over it. It is mainly pub talk – usually post 4th pint caveman talk. But I don’t think its unusual in the typical marriage (not according to the straw pole from my mates) , especially after kids. I’d rather have a lie in than a romp on the sack these days.

Maybe she stopped bothering ‘cos you just don’t turn her on anymoar?

It’s not really that she stopped bothering, it’s that she doesn’t acknowledge, or accept, that things are different for me. Suppose your wife said to you “it would really turn me on a lot if you wore Mickey Mouse ears in bed” (I just invented that. Honest …) What would you do?

Never been one for a massive sexual appetite me, just less than the normal appetite ( so I’ve been told ) & I’m happy with that.

Lots of my married mates say similar – whinging that the last time their misses was in the mood was months ago. All have been tempted to have have a quick affair just to get sex. Not one has done so yet but I guess it’s just a matter of time before one of them cracks to temptation. Shame, they all love their other halves deeply, it’s just that the physical closeness is missing.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to sustain a long term relationship and keep the physical side going too?

Married 33 years, 1 grandchild, and I ran out of smarties years ago. Pass your jars over could you, I think I’ll be needing one this evening 😉

The OP could be living on the moon as far as I’m concerned. I’ve been married 19 years and our intimate life is as good (and as frequent) as ever.
I think you are the problem!

I think you are the problem!

Yes, of course that’s true, but it doesn’t provide a solution.

I won’t say the majority as some will be along soon enough to say they get it 7 times a night

The OP could be living on the moon as far as I’m concerned. I’ve been married 19 years and our intimate life is as good (and as frequent) as ever.

It didn’t take long

I wasn’t getting any I would certainly be looking elsewhere , 7 days without any is too long for me , I think there is something wrong in a relationship of there is no sexual attraction

I’d give it a whirl as I might like it. Have you tried getting her drunk?

Seriously though, have you made time for each other, a day out without all the other crap in life, get rid of the kids for a day every month or so?

Often it’s not a lack of attraction it’s a lack of time and energy. We get up at 6am during the week, by the time we’ve dealt with kids, household stuff, actually unwound from the day enough to start to think about it, the other one is usually asleep in front of the 10 o’clock news. Once a month hormones overtake exhaustion….

To the OP – sounds like you have got to the point of counselling though – take freddyg along if it’s but one get one free

t would really turn me on a lot if you wore Mickey Mouse ears in bed

/Checks for Cameras in the samuri bedroom

Seriously though, I expect lots of relationships taper off as people get older, especially after kids. Ours did. We can go a couple of weeks without any and then have a couple of nights on the run. I expect that’s about average.

/STW
It probably takes the wife a couple of weeks to recover. eh! EH!!!

Sex is maybe ten percent of our relationship; the rest is made up of equal measures of, wanting to protect and care for her, fear of her and Mortal fear of her mother.

If you keep acting as you are nothing will change. I think it’s evident that you want things to change, so you have a few options.

You can seek professional help for a serious problem in your relationship and try and fix things with your wife.

You can address your short term sexual needs elsewhere with all that that entails

You can call it a day, draw a line under this relationship and move onto pastures new

You can carry on as is

I think I’d try the first option and find out why things are as they are before considering any of the others, I assume you love your wife or you’d have left already.

“it would really turn me on a lot if you wore Mickey Mouse ears in bed” (I just invented that. Honest …) What would you do?

I would do it and ask her what else would turn her on and do that as well.
Their is a line though but that is not even close.
The rules are I stop only when I dont want to not when i dont get it or it does nothing for me.

Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but the entire world is made up of people I dont have sex with so the one at home has to be different IMHO.

It will obviously reduce once you are married and have kids but if it reduced to none i would struggle.

IME – and not saying this is true of all or the OP or any one elese- the sex stopping in my marriage was indicative of a major problem between us and not a cause. We both wanted to have sex just not with each other

Ask yourself if there’s something worth saving there, if there is, you have to make each other see how you feel and try to work it out, and meet each other’s needs. If you are not prepared to live without sex, and she won’t have sex, there is nothing wrong with saying that you won’t put up with it and leaving, otherwise you’ll be miserbale, and so will everyone around you. For Christ’s sake don’t stay together for the sake of the children. My daughter and step-kids used to have one miserable home, they now have two happy ones.

I was in Freddy G’s situation – 10 years rather than 7. In my case there was plenty else wrong with the relationship. I left. I am now married to someone else, I’ve never been happier, we’ve been together 5 year and the smartie jar was empty a long time ago.

DrJ – Member
I think you are the problem!
Yes, of course that’s true, but it doesn’t provide a solution.

Errr, it does! You’re the solution! Counselling has been suggested, there is one way to help you find it.

Interestingly, Alexander Shulgin developed an excellent ‘pharmaceutical’ in the 1960’s that was found to be very effective in helping couples rediscover their intimacy when it was trialled. Unfortunately, the powers that be decided that it should be made a controlled substance and clinical trials stopped.

And it’s not Viagra, for those who don’t know who Shulgin is/was.

Have you just stopped fancying her or has she changed in some way that has brought this about?

Interestingly, Alexander Shulgin developed an excellent ‘pharmaceutical’ in the 1960’s that was found to be very effective in helping couples rediscover their intimacy when it was trialled. Unfortunately, the powers that be decided that it should be made a controlled substance and clinical trials stopped.

And it’s not Viagra, for those who don’t know who Shulgin is/was.

+1

Hmmm, I wonder if there are any meaningful lessons that can be learnt from this? I think it’s fair to say that most marriages follow a similar path as relationships either stagnate (bad) or simply mature into something different (normal). I certainly have a few smarties left in the jar but my feelings for my wife are far more profound than they were when we first met, sex just isn’t as important as it was – kids and work have taken care of that. I believe intimacy is still important though, however infrequent.

I’d love to know if there’s anything different about the background relationship of those who are still at it like rabbits! Number of partners, age they met etc… Or is it just a fortunate biological pairing thing?

OP, I think Cynic-al has it. What you’re talking about is a little deeper and sounds like communication needs to improve first.