#TOTW If you farted…

This story doesn’t require much preamble or scene setting

One of my mates once caused a whole Belgian train carriage to voluntary evacuate to adjacent compartments. Its a good job Belgian trains have decent doors.

If you fart audibly on MS Teams unmuted the culprits frame lights up blue

Just woke my daughter who was asleep on my chest. Couldn’t contain the giggles. Farts are funny.

A close friend of mine had a dodgy curry and his stomach was causing him grief the next morning. His wife had little sympathy and insisted he drive her to work despite his pleas to let him stay at home and near the bog. Despite his best efforts he shit himself on the way home.

When he got back his neighbour, who was a talker, stopped him for a natter. Greg being a lovely bloke stopped for about ten minutes whilst the guy waffled at him. All the while smelling like the Lord of turd mountain with poo running down his leg and in to his trainer. No idea why he told his friends this story as we bring it up all the time

Just woke my daughter who was asleep on my chest. Couldn’t contain the giggles. Farts are funny.

Plot twist: she’s 23.

Honestly, we need to deal with farts as a culture. You wouldn’t be mortified if you burped or sneezed, why are farts any different? Sure, they sometimes stink, but spoiler alert: so do everyone else’s.

*parp* – “whoops, pardon me” – move on. No?

As an apprentice in the 1970s i worked in a Toolroom (very descriptive name) with a fella called Stevie.. now Stevie comsumed 9 pints of Tetleys every night of his life, each morning for breakfast at work he had two fried egg sandwiches, dinner time consisted of a canteen curry.

How he never shat himself is beyond me, his farts made people retch and i am talking welders and boilermakers.

Plot twist: she’s 23.

Four, my weedy chest would collapse if a full sized person tried to sleep on it 😀

*parp* – “whoops, pardon me” – move on. No?

How boring would that world be?!

I just remembered, those 3 blokes I mentioned earlier were in the office the other day, they went out for coffee and I was left alone. Had ridden in that day, which for some reason always makes me windy. I let a few go when they left me in peace.
Few mins later heard a rustling noise… bloke we call Silent Mike was sat the other side of the partition. I was slightly ashamed. Only slightly.

How boring would that world be?!

Oh, I’m not suggesting that they aren’t still funny. I’m still working my way through General Lucifer’s blog and have woken up my partner through laughing on more than one occasion. Point is, we shouldn’t be compelled to feel embarrassed about it.

“Silent Mike”, I love that.

My Dad once did a hideous fart whilst my then four year old sister was in the bed. Fair to say the stench did not improve when she vomited.

I used to work an early morning shift at the local Sainsbury’s as a personal shopper. Started at 5am so up at 4:30am; a hot curry the night before was a baaaaad idea.

For some reason it always kicked in just as the shop was opening to the public; you always have that feeling wondering if you should go to the toilet or get away with just letting the pressure out… the later being quite risky depending on how many chillies you ate.

I always had to check if anyone was around; drop a little them move to the next isle.

I always did wonder why it always happened at the furthest point for the toilet.

The ring of fire wasn’t the pleasant for the rest of the shift.

Doing a “drive bye” on a pensioner in a supermarket is always a good cover…

Hang on i am nearly a pensioner.

This has absolutely started my day chuckling away.

Thanks for the laughs 😀

Worst incident was a mate letting rip in a Gondola just after the doors shut.

Never go to Venice with him again.

… wasn’t sure if he’d get away with it but thought he’d take a punt?

You wouldn’t be mortified if you burped or sneezed, why are farts any different?

I think, as Harry_the_Spider first alluded to on this thread, for me its the “stench of a dead rat”. It’s not meant as bragging, but sometimes the aroma that escapes me is beyond offensive. A little harmless toot and I’d just say “oops, excuse me”. But a silent biological-weapons grade effort is a different matter. That’s where I’d struggle to deal with the situation and think it would amount to insisting on an evacuation of the room (not my bowels).

As an aside, on general fart stories, I do miss the old 35mm camera film tubs. My sister and I used to fart into one of these and trap it in quickly with the lid. Then stealthily creep up on the other, reach the tub under their nose and pop the top. Hmmm, I have an idea for her christmas present coming on… Does anyone have an old stash of tubs? That said, they’d have to be sent with lids off.

I got my brother’s girlfriend last Christmas. They were staying at our place and whilst making some tea I was struck with inspiration. I planted the mug over my bewtocks and puffed copiously. Then, allowing time for pyjama bottom diffusion, called her over to help me tell if the mug had been used ‘for tea or coffee as I had a cold’. She put her nose right in and took a big snort… Payload delivered.

The girlfriend is French but had worked as a teacher in a UK boys’ school, and thus understood my level of humour.

Doing a “drive bye” on a pensioner in a supermarket is always a good cover…

I was walking into town with a mate many years ago now when I felt the familiar pressure of brown gas leaning against the back doors, meowing to be let out. So I thought I’d try and casually let it slip, as you do. Maybe one of those perambulating trumps where you let a little bit out each time on successive footfalls.

Well friends, I made a catastrophic error of judgement. What followed can only be described as a motion picture in sound. It was like tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half, briefly segued into a high calibre automatic rifle barrage before a triumphant coda of emptying a bag of flip-flops out of the loft. I could no more have nipped it off mid-flow than Kinga Canute could have stopped a tsunami. Bottle open, genies well and truly everywhere.

Unfortunately, at the same time my sphincter involuntarily deployed Agent Brown, a waist-high kid ran out from around the corner. The poor little sod got, as it were, both barrels right in the face from a distance of about six inches. I about knocked him off his feet. There’s no coming back from that is there? I kinda mumbled “uh, oops, sorry” and carried on walking, leaving him to his bleeding eyes and retching.

It’s not meant as bragging, but sometimes the aroma that escapes me is beyond offensive.

Thing is, we all do it. Some people have medical conditions, some people had a prawn vindaloo and six pints of Theakston’s Finest Eggy the night before. Hate to break it to you but the Queen’s shit stinks as badly as yours does.

@Cougar absolutely, I’m not unique but do put myself in the Haute category maybe 20% of the time and for no apparent dietary reason. Its just about capability not medals.

And @gaidong – *applause*

Laughing so much I’m crying! Thanks everyone!

I once traffed in a very quiet waiting area at Calais ferry port. Everybody was quiet and pissed off because of a long delay caused by high swell.

Pre-mobile phones, people were reading or just staring into space. I felt that precursor internal whump that signals one is on the way.

I decided to go for the 10 mil’ leg raise and side it out.

Well those innocuous looking red plastic chairs had acoustic properties that I wasn’t expecting. As I vented, it was if a small drummer had come with it and performed a competent solo on the seat.

My GF did what I now call a Fanny-Face, a reference to Fanny from Ghosts.

I just laughed my bollocks off and so did a good number of the audience. Think it cheered the buggers up TBH!

Edit:

For those who’ve not seen Ghosts.

You wouldn’t be mortified if you burped or sneezed, why are farts any different?

As one of our engineers used to put it, ‘All smells are particulate’. Think about that and where it came from

True, that. Kid round our way breathed in a fart and then he died.

OK, it was 60 years later, but you can’t argue with science.

‘All smells are particulate’. Think about that and where it came from

Out of your aerosol?

Bent over in a busy office to get something from my locker and let out a massive parp involuntarily. No option but to ignore it and carry on settling myself at my desk. Horrific.

I’m too childish to ignore things like that, even if it’s me doing it. I’ll be 50 next month yet farts and fart related antics still make me giggle like a 10 year old.

Worst incident was a mate letting rip in a Gondola just after the doors shut. With no opening windows, we were stuck with it until the top gondola station when could get out. He wasn’t shy, he thought it hilarious.

Happened to a friend of mine too except he actually shit himself! 20 unpleasant yet hilarious minutes in a very crowded gondola with half a dozen merciless mates almost wetting themselves, and then 20 minutes back down in a very un-crowded gondola, worrying about what might emerge. Thank goodness long johns are absorbent.

Small local nightclub, 2am Saturday. Packed dance floor. After a bad pint, decided to walk via the dance floor on the way back from the toilets. It felt hot on the way out and smelt like a septic tank in summer. Found myself a good vantage point leaning against a nearby pillar and watched the carnage unfold.

A Mexican wave of people suspiciously sniffing the air, followed by looks of utter disgust. Retching, followed by a mass exodus. 200 people down to an empty space in 30 seconds, with just lights dancing on the abandoned floor. Staff rushed to the toilets fearing the worst.

10 minutes later normal service had resumed.

And no-one ever suspected the skinny guy, minding his own business 5 metres away.

Everyone does it, but no one benefits by acknowledging it. Just crack on.

wasn’t sure if he’d get away with it but thought he’d take a punt?

Well, I enjoyed that.

I got my brother’s girlfriend last Christmas.

That’s High Stakes Secret Santa, that is!

‘All smells are particulate’

Or, as a friend used to put it “when you smell someone’s fart, you’re breathing in their excrement”.

Everyone does it, but no one benefits by acknowledging it.

Disagree.

Building up a reputation for admitting to your farts means that people are more likely to believe you when you really need to deny responsibility for one… (-:

Bloke in here today (not one of the 3) just dropped a squeaky one. Normally it would go unheralded, but the female member of the team is sat opposite him, so you just KNOW he was as surprised as the family hound when that one slipped out. He even apologised. Made my day.

‘All smells are particulate’

Reminds me of a time long, long ago when I was on a 5 week nordic skiing / biathlon training camp in Norway with the Army.

Our band of merry men were staying in a self catering ski lodge. In order to keep the costs down we took our own food with us. We went to the Bookers Cash and Carry to fill a Transit van full of high carb / wind inducing food to fuel our physical endeavours before we crossed the North Sea. We also provided industrial amounts of SiS Rego, which to the unaccustomed stomachs of the troops, really upped the wind speed to storm force.

We had to drive to varying areas to train and our local instructor flatly refused to travel with us as he didn’t want to breath in all of the airborne poo particles in the van.

I managed a pretty gag worthy drive by in an S2 science class this morning. Left a pupil, well known for not holding back, denying all responsibility.

I mmust admit i stink, a very veggie diet and real ale.

I was once in a trap (all engineers know what a trap is) and i “unloaded” it was that bad that the unwritten rule of saying nowt had to be overriden by the bloke in the next trap…

All he said was F****** Hell do you need an Ambulance.

When she was younger my daughter had the ability to fart at will. Big proper rippers too not just little squeaks. I’d class her ability as a super power, but now as he’s a teenager she doesn’t do it anymore.

Such a waste of a beautiful gift.

familiar pressure of brown gas leaning against the back doors, meowing to be let out

That brought tears to my eyes, thanks!

I used to work on the 20th floor of an office building.

Farting silently in a packed morning lift, then staring at some innocent bystander was one of my little pleasures.
Transference of guilt is a fascinating phenomenon.

It was like tearing a heavy velvet curtain in half, briefly segued into a high calibre automatic rifle barrage before a triumphant coda of emptying a bag of flip-flops out of the loft.

How did I miss this. Just brought on a coughing fit. Superb.