#TOTW If you farted…

Just went for an eye test,which involved being in a small room with a very attractive young lady (which should be by-the-by although adds something to the scenario).

I began to feel the brewing of a fart, no imminent danger, but enough to get me wondering – as I often do – how would you approach the situation if you let a real stinker out in a confined space with a stranger?

It’s a genuine worry because, maybe it’s aging, but I’m also prone occasional “seepage” (you’re welcome) which in the home environment can be laughed off. But in the optometrist’s office, there’s no real way of saying “oh, err, yeah might have been me???”.

One day it’s going to happen, I need to be prepared.

Bring your dog with you. That’s what I do.

You know it’s you, they know it’s you, say nothing. It’s not like you’ll be the first to have done it.

Rise above it.

My 96 year old neighbour comes in for dinner on ne’erday, she has no family, goes to only other family in our wee street for xmas day, she’s a character, we love having her in tbh.

Last year (well, 2019, obvs) she was sitting telling me a story, the bairn was reading a xmas book, auld yin lets rip wi a corker, an absolute ripper, wee yin shouts ‘DAD!’ and shoots me a look of mortification, but the auld yin just carries on with her story, ye couldn’t see the embarrassment through her rouge, either that or she just didn’t know! 🙂

Don’t mess about, go in hard and fast, crying out:

“Bloody hell! That’s awful that is! What have you eaten? Dear god, open a window!”

and then brass it out.

Many years ago, when I had hair, I was getting it cut by a very nice lady who happened to drop her guts in a most terribly pungent manner.

By God it stank. Like shitting a dead rat sort of stench. We were the only two people in there, but being repressed English people we ignored it as she tried to make awkward conversation whilst her face changed colour and I tried not to gag.

30 years on I still get olfactory flashbacks.

Yesterday I was riding out of an unofficial trail amongst some dense trees (top of Camel at Swinley) and I came around the corner to be confronted by a woman with her bum out having a wee about 30ft up the trail.

I hit my brakes which obviously squealed extremely loudly. She saw me, I saw her and I just took a sharp left turn and rode off as fast as I could. She walked past me later on and we both made a point of looking in any direction except for at each other.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is just run away as fast as you can and then ignore that it ever happened?

There was a story on the radio last Christmas – a nurse was working in surgery as the doctor finished an operation. It was Christmas and she had been partaking of the sprouts. She farted and suddenly the surgeon goes ‘Shit! Shit! I’m going to have to open him up again, I’ve nicked the bowel!!’ And she let him!

Bent over in a busy office to get something from my locker and let out a massive parp involuntarily. No option but to ignore it and carry on settling myself at my desk. Horrific.

Full commitment. Squeze it out.

Follow it up with

“A bit more choke and that would have started”

I was having a contact lens check or eye test and the very attractive for her age optometrist was insisting in look I look downwards, unaware that at least one more blouse button than was decent had come undone.

In these PC times I wasn’t sure whether to point out her state of undress or just try and look but not see.

Very difficult navigating modern business standards when you brought up with Benny Hill and Carry On films.

There are 3 blokes in the office where I work who just let rip whenever they feel like it. Sometimes they even comment on each other’s out pourings. They don’t seem to do it when the woman in their team is present. So I suppose they’re quite refined in a sense.
I always keep mine for private moments.

having a wee about 30ft up the trail

Impressive!!
If I try hard enough I can just about miss the polished toe caps on my boots.

“Better an empty house than an unruly tenant.”

Childish, I know, but these threads bring tears to my eyes…

“A bit more choke and that would have started”

very attractive young lady

Hate to break it to you, but no one under 45 knows what a choke is.

Imagine the sales team meeting in a small office in a health club, about 2 hours after we’d trained and had our protein shakes 🤢

Hate to break it to you, but no one under 45 knows what a choke is.

My mistake.

Replace choke statement with:

“Hmmm – do farts have lumps?”

When was 10 I got dragged along and had to sit though a rehearsal of my mums amateur dramatics group in a small room with about 20 people. God it was dull and I started to rummage around in my pockets for something to break the tedium. Unfortunately, the only thing I managed to break was the stink bomb sat in my coat pocket. Certainly livened up the proceedings as everyone evacuated the room at speed gagging and choking and definitely livened up the next few hours for me at home.

“A bit more choke and that would have started”

“Better an empty house than an unruly tenant.”

having a wee about 30ft up the trail

Impressive!!
If I try hard enough I can just about miss the polished toe caps on my boots

Outstanding work. 🙂

Childish, I know, but these threads bring tears to my eyes…

My 11yr old walked out of the lounge a while back having dropped his guts, commenting “Ooh, that’d bring a tear to a glass eye” to his mother as he walked by.

(He’s virtually a pro at farting. He got a house point from Mr Kent last year for the loudest and longest fart he’s ever heard come out of a child).

I have forgotten two classics to use:

Knock Knock
Who is there?
I dun up.

And

Pull my finger.

He got a house point from Mr Kent last year for the loudest and longest fart he’s ever heard come out of a child

I so hope that was written up as a certificate of merit.

One of ours had a teacher who had air-freshner on her desk for two culprits – ours being the leading protagonist. It got to the stage where he had a ‘free pass’ to pop into the corridor and let loose as he needed. One parents evening we were informed of all this and the fact that that day he had an award from the class – one of his rippers was heard back in the classroom from outside a fire door, and the whole class were impressed.

A proud parenting moment for mrs_oab and I to cherish.

Just ignore my forum name for a second 🙄 Back when I was a postie we were in the sorting office when the inevitable happened . Next thing I know a female postie had reported me to my boss and I was told to see him in his office ( no I didn’t let go in there 😬) apparently I had been doing it on purpose? 🤔 in the future he said if I feel the need I was to go to “ The purpose built room “ ? When I enquired where this room was he told me without a hint of a smirk that it was the yard outside???🙄🙄🙄
I blame my good old dad bless him . When he was in his late 70s we took him to Brownsea Island for the day. At a viewpoint looking towards Poole Harbour on a bench sat a young couple very much in love romantically gazing at each other then the view . Dad let go a right ripper , my mrs looked at me mortified, I tried to hide it by scuffing my feet on the gravel . Thought we had gotten away with it until Dad laughed really loudly !!! Time for a swift exit ! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

COVID bonus, not smelt one for 18 months. Just apologise.

A couple of years back I was in training with a new piece of software, the only people in the room were myself and the attractive redheaded lady conducting the training. All of a sudden I became aware of the sort of window-clouding, heinous stench that screams “IBS!”, I decided to do the gentlemanly thing and pretend that nothing had happened. I never saw Corinna again, but I suppose that it was my fault for recommending that she try the Indian curried wrap place next door.

“Ooh, that’d bring a tear to a glass eye”

Awesome! You’ve raised him proper 😆

A friend and geography teacher was riding at GT a good few years ago. When last night’s curry made itself known. She was nearly at the road on the switchbacks above Go ape. Thinking the bushes would hide her blushes she took to the undergrowth forgetting that a switch back does just that. One of the two lads passing within metres was heard to state. “By God it stinks of shite here” Deb’s bailed.out to the road and cut the day short.

You know it’s you, they know it’s you

Thats why you shoot them a look of disgust as if the did it.

Surely in such situations you insert your artillery shell as a stopper.

Pmsl

Rise above it.

Its a small room and hot air rises.

OH is currently in next room, just shouted, wanting to know what I am laughing about!

Reminds me of a time at work back in the office days, some hotshot account manager was at our desk area just kinda talking about some current issue… she dropped an absolute stinker, like it could melt your eyeballs vile…

It happens, what can you do? knowing glances were exchanged and we moved swiftly onwards.

Kinda funny loking back on it.

You got my attention with this title

Just Burp alot, you cant fart and burp at the same time apparantly.Wasn’t there a forum topic,on this very subject in days of old?

Funny incident during a royal visit

According to the Times, after the horse blew off the Queen said: “I do apologise, your excellency.”

The foreign dignitary replied: “It is no problem, your majesty. I thought it was one of the horses.”

😆

First time I got a job with my own office, thought it was great- can let rip with no one hearing.

I didn’t take into account that the smell lingers.

Yoga that is what used to do it for me and others in the class.
The cat exercise was the best where you are on your hands and knees head tucks under back arched then back presses down and head comes up and bottom burp.
Open your eyes and all you can see is a sea of lycra clad bottoms.
Yet strangely no one ever mentioned it.

I work in the outdoors, so generally just let go without a thought.
Often forget this when back indoors, but getting away with it through airing of the rooms for COVID.

Worst incident was a mate letting rip in a Gondola just after the doors shut. With no opening windows, we were stuck with it until the top gondola station when could get out. He wasn’t shy, he thought it hilarious.