If doing the right thing is so great, then why do I feel so bad?

Ah, where do I start?? Emotional anguish tonight STWers, needing something from you. Regular poster posting under a new handle for this.

So: in a nutshell- over 20 years ago, I stupidly dumped a girl who really needed me. Young and stupid, I was.
She was great, I just wasn’t ready for all of that. By the time I woke up a couple of months later she’d met someone else, but was seriously on the rebound, half-wanted to take me back but was scared to…

…and then found out she was pregnant by him, and got strong-armed into marriage.

I carried a torch for about 3 years, and then by chance I bump into her again- still married, just had second child, but wanted me back. She’d had a rough time, and for various reasons I said no- somewhat nobly, I felt that if I was out of the way she’d make a fist of her marriage. Which (through 3rd parties) I found out that she later had.

But I never forgot about her, not really. As druidh would note, she was one of the ones that come along that I could have easily married. One of 2, in actual fact, as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I’m still with.

I never made any effort to track her down or anything like that, and never expected that now, in my mid-40s, she would by chance end up moving very close to me, and that we would have friends/associates in common. We’ve had awkward encounters, and so (maybe stupidly) decided to talk about how we were going to get around things for the best of all concerned.

What I didn’t expect were all the issues that came out, the major one of which is-

She: I would never have went back with him if you had said you wanted me- I was yours, you just had to ask you muppet!
Me: <tears>

I knew I still had strong feelings for her, perhaps on account of how it all panned out, but didn’t expect just how natural and good being with her would be. She’s a wonderful woman, in so many ways. But I feel so guilty- I’ve never as much as looked at another woman in my marriage (well, I have, but you know what I mean) and value fidelity and trust over everything. But a part of me seriously thinks: if I’d known she’d felt that way, would I have done things differently? And it pains me to be honest and say: I would have. I was trying to be a good guy and let her get on with a marriage that it turns out was exactly what she didn’t want me to do.

I’m not really looking for advice, as I know what you’ll all say:

75%- stop all contact
25%- bang her back doors in

I’m sorry for the rambling state of this post, I really am. I never intended to be in this state. I am such a dick. I’m a man in his mid 40’s sitting here sobbing and trying to to get the picture of her face out of my mind, and wondering why I still miss her so badly after 20+ years. What if she really was ‘the one’ and I let her go? I’ve a wife and kids that need to come first, but how can I face them if this is whats really going on inside me?

Never go back to a lit firework.

There is no such thing as the one. You are running on memories. I’m sure she has a myriad of habits that would drive you mental. Sometimes the grass may look green but is in fact painted concrete. MTFU with your life and move on.

Respectfully.

Agreed. You want what you can’t, or don’t have. Simple human and man instinct. I’ve had 5 or 6 girls on the go at once due to this. If you went off with her you’d probably miss your wife and flit between the two.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169547/

Pain has evolved in humans (and all animals) to help us avoid physically dangerous situations.

Emotions are just another (more complex) facet of this. If you screw up a relationship then the consequences can be just as bad (if not worse) as breaking bones. After all, it might mean you would be unable to reproduce. So suffering extreme pain when this happens is an excellent survival trait.

With physical pain we are used to the idea that we take pain killers in order to damp down our natural responses. For emotional pain we just have to get over it.

I’ve had 5 or 6 girls on the go at once due to this

Buy a new bike. Problem solved.

IanMunro:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169547/

how can I face them if this is whats really going on inside me?

Is it? Or is it just a ‘grass is greener’ thing?

The past is the past. Woulda coulda shoulda, irrelevant. You’re (presumably) both happily married now. Seems like you’ve an opportunity to rekindle a friendship that you’d lost, and I’d take that as a plus.

But, if you can’t handle a friendship without wanting more, you want to seriously consider closing the door before it gets out of hand. Nothing good will come of this.

Considering how I felt just stumbling upon some photos of a lass I could easily have married your emotions must be pretty bonkers right now.

I can’t offer advice, sorry.

Maybe, given a bit of time you’ll be able to rebalance your emotions and deal with things that where maybe undealt with. But who knows, so many variables.

Good Luck

No, it’s called a missed-life crisis. Similar situation in some respects here, although the lovely girl in question lives some way away, and we’ve only seen each other a couple of times recently, after not having any contact for some ten or so years. Only found her again by accident, after things got a bit iffy because of an abusive partner. Things are now ok, but there’s no social contact. I’d have her back in a pico, if she said yes, but it ain’t gonna happen.
My stupid fault, and one I’ve regretted many, many times over the years.
Prolly a good thing she lives thirty or so miles away… 🙁

I’m in the 25% camp.

However, I suspect if it’s this hard now, it probably was then. Sometimes the hard way and the right way are the same.You knew it then, sounds like you know it now. So it’s time to MTFU for a second time, stop living in the past and go have fun with you’re family, NOW.

If you go 75%, can I have her number.

still married, just had second child, but wanted me back. She’d had a rough time, and for various reasons I said no- somewhat nobly

Seems beside the point, but i think the way you spelled nobbily just serves to confuse

I have the chance tone with the girl of my dreams (whom id dated a couple of years previous)about 7 years ago, but passed it up as I didn’t want to appear desperate, met her again a few years later (well I invited her round after I heard she’d split with her then bf, we’d stayed mates…) we had an awesome night that ended up on the sofa just cuddling. Really, nothing happened. As soon as she left my mind was made up, I needed her in my life all the time.

Stupid browser, more to come….

Good advice I’ve always lived by: Help yourself to a hand shandy. In the 5 minutes or so afterwards your brain *will not* lie to you. Make the decision based on those 5 minutes.

Use this advice wisely though. I’ve had some very awkward business meetings….

This —->

as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I’m still with.

There is one I would go back to, it would destroy my life as I knew it but only one.

The rest as said above never go back, it will never be the same.

The third post down (NZcol) nails it, just mtfu and stop seeing her.

You moved on. Leave it that way…

as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I’m still with.

You made a promise at some point. Be a man and stick to it.

on your death bead which would you regret more? life is too short to piss about being noble. we are here for such a short time, don’t spend it being miserable so others may think what a decent chap your are when your soul has withered and you’re just going through the motions in life. All life should be about experience and continual learning…..

and as that happy chappy Crowley once said ” do what thou will, shall be the whole of the law”

That evening I called her and let it all out, that I’d never gotten over her and would do anything go try again. But I was too late, she’d met. Guy a few month before and was falling for him. My world fell though its arse, really was heart broken and in bits and I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a bad place. There’s no happy ending to this on my side, she’s married this fella and they seem blissfully happy. Me? I’ve been single for all but 4 months of the last 7 years. Moral of the story, you’ll know if she is the woman of your dreams, so you’ll know deep down what you need to do.

You’re possibly at the age when you look back on your life, question everything, should you have done things differently. Were you happy until this lady appeared? Are there cracks in your marriage? If so, have you done anything about it?

Is an affair a possibility? Could you really do that and live with yourself?

I see what tazzy is saying and yep agree with it but it could be bloomin’ hard to do.

Could of done things differently but you didn’t. You had a choice and you made it for the best. Dont go **** up what you have got as a result of that choice. No point regretting it. The choice you have now is ruin what you have for an unknown quantity or get a grip of yourself and cherish what you have got as a result of your original decision.

and as that happy chappy Crowley once said ” do what thou will, shall be the whole of the law”

Personally, I don’t value relationship advice from men that bugger goats.

Personally, I don’t value relationship advice from men that bugger goats.

I’d rather be friendly with ruminants

than

“cherish what you have got as a result of your original decision.” which is basically don’t rock the boat, be safe and bland and compliant and wonder in 10 years time what the hell have you done 😆

Is worth bearing in mind that I have no moral compass and couldn’t give a toss what others think, why live your life to a strangers expectation?

as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I’m still with.

This.

Stay away buddy. Buy a new bike and give Piemonster her number.

Is worth bearing in mind that I have no moral compass and couldn’t give a toss what others think

*swoon*

No medals handed out for long marriages!

two choices
1. you made your bed lie in it
2. You only lve once perhaps she is the one

personally I dont know which it is for you but it is a helluva risk to leave
IMHO if she is the one she would have been the one rather than the one that got away.

Think we all probably hold a candle ish to someone. I met mine a few years ago …lets just say time had not been kind to her but the fridge had.

No medals handed out for long marriages!

But porking an ex from 20 years ago will gain you universal acclaim?

You have to be true to yourself and that means asking painful questions. Nobody is looking for universal acclaim obviously!

Think of your life like a game…

You are the rock, you are strong, you can do what you like, you can win.
Your wife, she has the marriage, a piece of paper. Paper beats rock, holds you down, holds you back, she is winning, for now. Old flame returns, she is scissors. Scissors cuts paper, marriage is over, wasted, useless, wife destroyed, you are free to move on, do what you want to do. But wait, rock smashes scissors, you’ve done it before, at least twice, so you know you can do it again. But it’s a game, and you can’t wait years to decide again, so what’s it going to be?

1…2…3…?

Nurse, my coat please, yes, the one with the straps at the back.

You have to be true to yourself and that means asking painful questions. Nobody is looking for universal acclaim obviously!

well said c_g….ooo a cougar *licks finger, smooths eyebrow*…wellll heeeelllllooooo 😉

To be fair, the OP doesn’t sound like a serial adulterer.

To be fair, the OP doesn’t sound like a serial adulterer.

Well, they are obviously a natural at deception, what with having a fakey login.

Lol at tazzy. 😀 I’m just a cynical old girl who knows her own mind now but didn’t a while ago.

Jamie darling, that’s not nice.

You have to be true to yourself

I do like the way this has found it’s way into explanations of why some one chose to be selfish.
No disrespect intended to your good self cg