I am probably going to get flamed to hell and back for this but here goes anyway.

We had a baby girl a couple of weeks ago and the most I can muster feeling wise is ambivalence. I keep pretending to everyone that I feel great about being a father but the truth is, so far, I hate everything about fatherhood and the baby.

I am even struggling to think of the baby as a person and catch myself referring to her as “it” or “the child”. I just feel that it is another thing that has come into my life recently that is causing so much aggravation that I am beginning to struggle with the delicate juggling act of keeping everything in the air.

Things came to a head last night when she wouldn’t settle and I ended up dumping her on Mrs. M’s bed and coming in to work at 3am ,leaving my wife confused and upset, just to get away. I am dreading going home and having to deal with the baby this evening.

So, singletrack dads of the world, 2 things:

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,
2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?

1. No
2. Yes

3. I can’t start to imagine what that must feel like and I pity you because of it. My two boys are the best things ever and fatherhood I think has made me better as a person. Being a dad is absolutely frickin awesome x 1000000000000.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,

You’re far from the only one. At this stage it’s not wrong to be detached from the baby, you’re the outsider as they bond with the mother who feeds and nurses them mostly.

It rekon it took a couple of months with me.

Now, my boy is my world.

Lots of change going on all round for everyone. Talk to your wife.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,

yes, was the same for me,I think its normal for a lot of people, yes, it improves.

2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?

no, normal, its a big change and you’ll get used to it.

Brave post, speak to people including the wife.

Come back in 12 months and tell us you still feel the same.

As a father of 3 girls (inc twins) I can say that I’m not a huge fan of newborns, but just wait….. you’ll get it.

It’s not unusual for either parent to be unable to relate to their baby shortly after birth. And it doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to love your daughter.

Talk to your wife +1.

1. No I didn’t but I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it
2. Biggest bastard? – not yet…

…just to get away…

The best description of children ever is ‘relentless’. You are both going to need to be able to find your own daily space while the other does the looking after so work out how to do it now.

Good luck with this, children really change things but it is manageable.

Postnatal depression can affect Dads too, a local parenting group might offer some help, or your GP – it’s good to talk 🙂

I suspect you won’t be the first, or the last parent not to feel anything for their child in the immediate aftermath of their arrival.

Small babies are dull. Fully interactive children are (mostly) great. Your time will come!

+1 talk to your wife.

Also talk to the midwife, doctor or whoever does post-natal visits. The perception of post-natal depression is that it only happens to mums, but dads can have the same problems. They will know this and can put you in touch with a counselor if you want/need to talk it out.

No need for flaming, being a dad is super hard and its completely different for everyone, I found it incredibly hard dealing with my first sons arrival, the biggest issue was that he didn’t really “do” anything, and that (from a massively selfish point of view) he was coming into my life and making me change things which I didn’t want to change (sleep / work / friends / sports, the list is long and distinguished) This got better as he started to react to faces / places etc and despite being only 4 is now probably my best mate.
I wouldn’t want to go back to those early days, my wife carried him for 9 months and it probably took this long for me to get used to him being there. It does get better, but its a compromise from all angles.
So no, you’re not the worlds biggest bastard 🙂

EBay?

Not everyone bonds immediately. You’ve got her for life so plenty of time to get to know her.
Talk to your wife.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. I didn’t want kids whatsoever. I Gave in cos the wife did. All through the pregnancy I was completely disinterested. When the first one was born it was just a pain in the arse tbh. Didn’t feel much of a fatherly bond.

Then they start to interact with you when they are a few months old. That’s when everything changes. Trust me.

Now my kids 4&8 and I’ve pretty much given up my social life and career ambitions. I just love spending time with them. I never would have believed that it’d be like this before they were born.

I’m not a dad, but reading your post makes me think there is other stuff going on in your life which might need sorting out and could be having an impact on your ability to bond with your baby. Plus, as others have said, fathers can feel a bit isolated in the first weeks/months. Some of my friends have experienced this but, for them, it did pass.

Yes
No

I felt like a useless **** when the first was born, and got very stressed out.

Mate, it is the most massive, totally life changing experience you will go through (IMHO), so give it time, talk to your wife, make sure you have one job with the baby that is your job (mine was bathing).

All the best.

The reason I have never had one.
Plus I like large amounts of disposable income, quality freetime & peace & quiet.

Well some parents batter or even kill their kids so try not to do that, if you don’t trust yourself leave things to Mum.

As my son had to ‘come out through the sun roof’ I held him for 30 mins or more before she did, instant bond.

Spend as much time as you can with the baby on your own.

Cuddle her, get to know her.

Even at that age it’s not only food, shit and screaming for babies.

Brave post.

I’d say the first year is the hardest and especially the first few months. This baby arrives and totally dominates your world, takes away your freedom, your sleep and your partner.
They do little to contribute to the family too and just constantly take.

Just remember that you’re not alone and it does get better. The feelings of love will come. As others have said, I couldn’t imagine life without my kids now.

Speak to your wife. Share your emotions. She’ll feel like this too at some point.

At least you acknowledge you may be in the wrong here, big step. Was fatherhood something you really wanted or did it just happen.

In answer to your questions, I think that it affects many people in different ways. At least you are big enough to admit that the problem may be with you rather than blaming the rest of the world. If things don’t improve it may be worth a visit to the GP.

If you really want flaming, go post the same on mumsnet. 🙂

Brave post. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago too. (congratulation btw.)

I have to admit, I’m pretty ambivalent at the moment too, but (and it’s a big BUT), I know it changes. I have a 3 year old and I know I’ll feel the same about her the same way I feel about him.

It’s all chemicals, the bonding chemicals kick in in different ways for different people. You can’t force it. To get the seratonin and oxycotin going try spending more time with her when she’s not crying and your body should start to give you a helping hand.

You’re not the worst Dad, you’re the only one she’s got, you’ve got a long time to be the best Dad, don’t think 2 weeks will shape a lifetime.

‘likes’ loddricks post

New borns are for mums as they don’t do owt but you just wait for those first smiles and laughs and interactions. I challenge any dads heart not to melt.

When mini ws mkII arrived I didn’t like him. He’d broken the bubble that was me, my wife and his beautiful big sister. He was a pain, suffering badly with reflux and colic. However babies have little personality for the first few weeks and are a huge drain and upset to simple regimes.
I look back at the first few weeks and they are a distant memory, he’s now 9, my best bud, kills me laughing with his stupidity, annoys me with his skill on Xbox a skateboard a bike a scooter, is fearless and I wouldn’t be without him for a heartbeat!
It will come, but don’t let the feelings overwhelm you, book in with the gp, get some proper advice before your resentment eats away at you and then let the magic of parent/fatherhood happen, you’ll never look back!

I felt similar towards my son when born, once you get over the inital euphoria of the birth, you feel a bit of a spare part.
Give it time and as your daughter develops you will love them, especially once they start to develop their own character and begin to interact with you.
Women have already carried their child for 9 months and by feeding etc develop a close bond.
Spend time with her and it’ll come.
And don’t beat yourself up about it. Its often all about the mother and child, with men very much swept to one side.

New born babies are a bit rubbish, they’re not really your responsibility at that stage.

I’d say the best bet is to be there to take her when your Mrs needs a kip, other than that just try and make your other half as comfortable as possible.

Things will start to get back to a new normal soon. let the nipper got to sleep in the carry cot then the two of you can leg it down the local and see the lads.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,
2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?

1) Yes, and yes. Both me and my wife felt the same. I didn’t even feel euphoric as they were born. Let’s face it, I knew what was going to happen – a baby comes out. All the things I was looking forward to, and the reasons I wanted kids, were still many years away.
2) No

Let’s just clear something up. Babies are inert useless things. The only reason people feel attachment to them is the hormones that flow through their brains and the emotional baggage that gets attached. As they develop into people, that’s when you really bond with them.

I was also ambivalent about both our babies, but as kids they are fantastic.

What you are experiencing is quite normal – even our antenatal classes made this very clear.

Oh and do not let this guy make you feel like shit:

I can’t start to imagine what that must feel like and I pity you because of it.

It’s extremely unhelpful, and stupid – just because you don’t bond with a screaming writhing thing doesn’t mean you won’t love your kids when they eventually appear and enjoy fatherhood.

Remember that human babies are essentially premature, and are still really foetuses for quite a while after birth.

Not much flaming going on is there?

Lots of useful advice – as ever – well done STW dwellers

My 2p – Little babies are a pain in the backside. Ungrateful, relentless, ungiving.

Slowly, things change. You get smiles back. You have fun. You realise having a Dad is just as important as having a Mum for that bundle of snot and nappies.

Give it time. Talk to your family and friends you trust. Don’t bottle it up.

TM

1. Yes.

2. No.

I was woefully underprepared for fatherhood in this respect. At this stage, there is virtually nothing that you can do for your daughter – everything she needs is your wife’s to give. Your job for now is to help your wife to make sure that these first few weeks go as smoothly as possible. You’ll get virtually nothing in return. But – and it will happen, trust me – before long she’ll start to recognise you, and there’ll be a glimmer of a smile, or something, and it will all have been worth it. IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

So this isn’t meant to be a ‘suck it up’ post; I went through exactly the same and you have my deepest sympathies. But like climbing that dreadful hill for the sweet descent that’s on the other side, for now you have to grit your teeth, keep pedalling, and IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

My second was far easier because I didn’t expect anything different. i knew how long the hill was, i knew about the descent the other side, you’re far better prepared then for the ‘suck it up’ nature of early fatherhood.

+1 on talk to your wife too. Not in an ‘I can’t cope’ way, but let her know that you’re struggling a bit but you’re there for her so that she can manage the baby side of things as best as she can.

Sounds like the newborn is the icing on a stressful life cake, and the easiest aspect to focus on as tbe problem.

It’s perfectly normal for new dads not to bond straight away, lots of dads talk about it being the first smile or when they grip your hand that it clicks. But it usually does click at sometime, days, weeks or months from now.

And it is really hard to deal with the extra demands on you when you are stressed and sleep deprived. MCJnr couldn’t have come into my life at a more inconvenient time, didn’t sleep for months, constant crying, both of us exhausted. But he and his sister are my absolute world now. Doesn’t matter that my life hasn’t gone the way I had planned.

Most important is to talk to your wife, explain how you are struggling, and find a way round it together. Talk to health visitors or your GP as well. The stress and tiredness will explode every fault line in your relationship and personalities, the number of breakups in the first year or two is horrific. Don’t become another statistic by refusing to talk and get help.

Well done for posting OP. You’re a long way from being alone, it’s just one of those things that no one likes to admit to or talk about. Hang in there, don’t be ashamed and hide your feelings. Your wife needs to know whats going on, she’ll be worried for you right now.

jonm81

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,

I wouldn’t say I felt the same, I certainly wouldn’t have put it in terms like that, but I can empathize with where you are coming from. I think as a man, you can feel like an outsider in the whole process. During all the scans and appointments we went for with our two I think only one midwife spoke to me or even acknowledged my presence.

Then you have the birth, which feels like you’re in a scene from a vietnam film. And then the baby is just clamped onto your wife and you’re probably hopelessly inexperienced with babies and intimidated or worried by the responsibility. It’s a massively emotional, stressful and difficult thing to take on board.

I felt more or less the same ambivalence. My first child got an infection from a needle in hospital when she was born and things were touch and go for a while. I think I deliberately didn’t allow myself to get attached in case something happened.

It also took time to really bond when my son was born a few years later.

It did change for me and being a Dad is massively rewarding and my kids are everything to me now.

Don’t give yourself a hard time about this just because you are taking time to adjust.

Mine are 13 and 9 still waiting for that bond to form. I don’t dislike them massively don’t really see the upside.

^^This might not be true^^.

Wasn’t into it at first, also I almost lost my wife to the first one so I did the looking after baby for the first few days while she recovered in hospital. I think it’s completely normal for a bloke not to be into babies, it’s a mum thing IMHO. I had no clue what I was doing, wasn’t enjoying it and kept thinking I would break him, I hated it TBH, like keeping a really bad car running…. They do grow on you but you have to understand your life has now unalterably changed you’re a dad and both your child and your missus are relying on you to hold fast.

That’s the bit I found scary there’s no f888ing about now, things matter, you’re not a lad anymore! Don’t worry though you get used to it and there are times you’ll well up because you’re so happy.

The reason I have never had one.
Plus I like large amounts of disposable income, quality freetime & peace & quiet.

You are actually my mate Steve & I claim my £5. You forgot to mention your 400K mortgage free house & the 5 renty ones.

I was the same with both my kids, just could not be arsed with them till they were about 3 or 4! I still really do not like kids & am dreading the day my youngest (who’s now 28) tells my I’m going to be a grandparent. 😕

To the OP, things will improve but by how much I don’t know.

It’s perfectly normal for new dads not to bond straight away

And mums.

In a stressed, sleep-deprived state where you have no time to yourself, no freedom, no interaction from your daughter and no obvious function it’s tough.

Understanding that it’s stressful for dads, it’s also stressful, scary and relentless for mums. I found that my job for the first few weeks was basically supporting mum and working as a team to make it as easy as possible for both of us.

Newborn stage isn’t much fun, but it doesn’t last long.

As others have already said, babies are a massive change and difficult to adjust to, especially when you are incredibly sleep deprived.

So don’t beat yourself up, but do please talk about it (carefully – bearing in mind that your missus will be sleep-deprived too, full of hormones and probably a bit edgy).

One thing that helped me bond was plenty of skin-on-skin contact.
A newborn baby sleeping on your chest is a very beautiful thing.

Smell their hair too. (It triggers hormone releases!)

http://www.livescience.com/39858-babys-smell-triggers-brain-reward.html