PS – it must get better or I wouldn’t have done it 3 times

thats what i keep telling myself too!! 😀

Make sure you give your wife some time to do the same, let her get away for an hour or just take the baby for a long walk to give her a bit of quiet time.

Or a drive, nothing like the gentle hum of a car to send a baby to sleep. It’s been estimated that over half the traffic at 3am on the Madrid M30 orbital motorway is parents trying to get their newborns to shut up 🙂

Third one is the easiest in my experience. First is a big change of course but you are focused on it and there are 2 parents and 1 kid. Second IME was the biggest shock, you think you know it all after the first and the second shows you you don’t, plus its now 2 v 2. Also the first can react and break previous good habits / routine.

@gonzy that’s quite some day and on only 5.5 hours sleep !

@gonzy that’s quite some day and on only 5.5 hours sleep !

tell me about it….plus the football massacre was on tv, followed by the apprentice….i didnt get to see much of the game which might have been a good thing. on the plus side it was the wifes turn to sort the kids out so i stayed in bed until 6.30 and watched the apprentice! 😆

Third one is the easiest in my experience.

seems to the complete opposite for us…gonzy 1 was really easy…he was always very well behaved, no tantrums, only a couple of naughty episodes.
gonzy 2 wasnt too bad…she was the same as gonzy 1 but a bit louder and boisterous (well she is a girl) but nothing we couldnt handle.
gonzy 3 is proving to be a bit harder as he is a very loud crier, is light on his sleep but we’re putting this down to him having bad eczema and being constantly distressed and irritated by the condition

Some great stuff on here, good to reread it.

We don’t get any better as dads either. Our peer group locally have kids around 10-11 years old. We are all busy with jobs and kids activities to worry about ourselves. Took one friend of ours to have a really bad patch to make us realise we still need to talk, unwind and let off steam with people in a similar situation.

We now have a monthly dads night out in the village pub, putting the world to rights, talk nonsense, discuss concerns. It’s like this forum, but with guest ales. Sometimes the landlord doesn’t let us out till 1.30!

Someone I know is going through a tough time at the moment and he’s contriving business meetings that require overnight stays….

I’m not complaining really, my Wife’s having a shit time of it at the moment mentally, although she doesn’t help herself a lot of the time – but she occasionally has a little moan on FB and all her friends and relatives are straight on offering her support and help etc and they should do.

But I can’t help but thinking, I’m right there in the thick of it every night, and occasionally – like last night I send her off to the spare room to sleep for a few hours whilst I keep our baby occupied when she doesn’t sleep, I fall out of bed on 4 hours sleep (two sets of 2 hours) do the school run, stress out all day in work, school run, cook, dishes, put No1 Son to bed, bit of housework whilst Wife gets Baby to sleep – I take SIX MINUTES to myself, seriously I sit on the Sofa in total silence for 6 mins – then it’s upstairs, we usually get an hour watching TV in bed before it’s time to sleep, and instead of looking forward to some well earned sleep I’m just waiting to be woken again.

You can’t say anything either, any mention of a ‘tough day’ for dads is treated with utter contempt.

i feel your pain…i think i did complain once that it was hard for me too and got both barrels from the wife…now i just get on with doing things

1: No, I didn’t feel that way with any of mine.
2: Everyone is different. You will change….definitely. In time. You are human. It will happen naturally. You will read this post back in a year and be like “wtf was I on”. Well…a distinct lack of sleep is the first recipe…combined with many emotions running high, lack of intimacy with your partner….these times are hard. It will all be worth it…. keep going.

Hey OP, you definitely aren’t a bastard. Babies are difficult, we went and are still going through some tough times with our eight month old. I started a few threads on here earlier in the year about it all. Almost lost him twice, which I think helped me bond with him to be honest.

Still find it difficult now. I got in from work tonight, got in the shower and sat in the bottom crying like a massive girl! The lack of sleep and constant worry does get to you, but it’s so worth it when they smile at you or just respond to the sound of your voice.

As some others have said, trying to keep a small part of who you are helps. I’ve just started getting out on the bike again. Just for an hour or so once a week. It’s made a world of difference. Do you have any family who can help you both? We are lucky in that Mrs Funkmaster has brilliant, supportive parents.

Hang in there and like others have said, just put the baby down and walk away if you get too stressed. I’ve spent a lot of time stood in the garden over the last eight month and so has the missus. Not at the same time I hasten. To add

One of our resident contractors has eleven (yes eleven!) kids.
I asked him how he and his wife coped. His somewhat sanguine reply was “you just get used to not getting a lot of sleep”.
This is the man who decided the easiest way to make enough room for everyone was to buy the neighbors out and knock through.

Things change – I’m currently sitting in the living room while small person has a strop in the bedroom because she refuses to go for her last wee before bed. I’m just ignoring her.

Though can now hear her sneaking very quietly to the bathroom 😀

Kids are difficult. In new and interesting ways every day. But they’re also great fun – and small people having tantrums are very funny if you can take a step back.

Quite normal I think, certainly the same for me and i was reassured by a mate who’d experienced similar. It’s a whole new world, life turned upside down, a demanding little selfish thing draining the very life out of you. And then they start to properly look at you, then they smile, then they laugh and suddenly you’re away! It continues to be a strange one, nothing quite like a night away from it all, nothing quite like coming home to everyone!

Can only add my own experience which was different in bonded with my first born immediately, which was helpful as the first couple of weeks were a rollercoaster, little uns aren’t easy, my second child I didn’t get the immediate rush that I got with the first, no idea why not, but it comes with time. They are a massive life-changing event, again the second born we had a rocky start in and out of hospital, I remember bonding when she wee’d in a pot for me which meant we could go him after 48hrs in a children’s a&e ward… Sleep deprivation, stress of unknown and having your life turned upside down are very traumatic. OP you’ve been very brave, second born I started stressing that the bond wasn’t there, if only I’d posted here :-).
Third born has been a breeze, no hospitals, just a smiling bundle, finally had a child like folks talk about when having kids! That’s it mind no more.

Best of luck, and talk to your wife, she’ll need you as well, her focus is likely to be elsewhere for the time being but let her understand your feelings so she can help.

Dadsnet rocks.

Edit: Meant to add, second born is at the grandparents for a couple of nights and I’m missing her like mad, she however is having a whale of a time 🙂

Steve

Just wondered how things are going Jonm81? (I lurked, but didn’t post as I have nothing useful to add)

Was also thinking about checking in. How’s it going now?

Really feeling the love now for no 2 at about 8 months. Took a while though, not a surprise really as when she came along our 2 year old kept me very busy while the missus was doing all the baby stuff. She’s not really taken to a bottle either and it’s been boob all the way so far, which is great but slows down dad bonding a bit. Good job too really as with colds and various bugs the sleep deprivation fatigue has really kicked in.

My wife is being induced on Saturday at 39 weeks. I’ve done the right stuff in terms of nursery decoration and what not but I am not in the least bit excited.
I wanted kids more than my wife but now its coming I thinking about the selfish stuff; no money, no social life, lack of freedom, no more buying bikes! lack of sex etc etc.

Dont know what’s wrong with me. Maybe at 30 I’m still too selfish.

Dont worry in 8 years time you will be spending the build up to Xmas working out how to get a smart 24 ” wheeled bike for them and enjoy spooky night rides in the woods 😀

It takes time but no one with kids regrets it in the long run

I was just thinking about this earlier. My eldest wasn’t at all into cuddles at first, she only started to display genuine affection towards either of us really when she was about 2.5. Prior to that she kept going to mummy of course, but mostly out of attachment really I think. Now she’s 5 she’s very demonstrative and affectionate, which really brings us all together and helps through the tough times.

im looking forward to doing this with my little lad – hes only 2 and the most amazing little person in the whole world!

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qmQrEM5rVA[/video]

I’ve not read the last 7 pages or so so I could be repeating what others have said..

When mini RRR was born (10 months ago), I felt very confused as did the wife. We both felt a strong protective instinct for the sproglet in that we obviously would do anything to prevent any harm coming to him. However, we didn’t feel any “love” in the normal sense. I don’t see it as surprising – this thing is thrust upon you and turns your world upside down, has no idea who you are and in turn you have no idea who they are!

All I can say is that no, it’s not unusual to feel like that and I’m sure you will feel better about things. We found the first 4 months or so the worst but after this started to get our evenings backs, sometime for each other , time for er physical relations etc etc.

10 months after mini RRR was born and the little man melts me when “waving” goodbye in the mornings and welcoming me with a repeated excited ‘dada’ in the evenings!

It does get better – it’s the hardest but the best thing you’ll do

Like many others who have posted over the last seven pages, I really didn’t want kids, not least because my wife earns more than me so we both knew I’d end up doing most of the childcare.

He’s two in a few weeks and this morning he projectile vomited in my hair, ear and bed. I’m going to go against the grain a bit and say, yes it does get better but also harder in some ways…

I am not in the least bit excited.

I don’t think I was either – worried, apprehensive about what we’d got ourselves into, worrying about, well, turning into my father. My dad is great, but I didn’t see myself as a grown-up -having kids is something grown-ups do.

You will have less money – though actually not that much less if you can avoid buying all the junk like travel systems and the like. You’ll have a different social life, but what you’ll gain is a famly life. You will have less freedom, but really not all that much less. What I’ve found is that I’m still really a big kid, and it was great fun to discover my dad is too. Just because you gain responsibility doesn’t mean you stop having fun, in fact kids are a great excuse for having more fun. Playing games. Playing with Lego. Messing about on bikes. Climbing frames and soft play. Tickling. And once they begin to talk, small kids are the funniest things. We laugh a lot more since we got a small person to laugh at/with.

Just wondered how things are going Jonm81?

Things are slightly better in that whilst I still don’t feel any real attachment to our daughter I realise it will take time and should all come together at some point.

After hearing others on here have had similar feelings and having discussed it with a couple of close friends with kids I don’t feel like such a massive prick.

I have been discussing things with my wife and now have an evening a week and a few hours at the weekend to unwind doing the things I enjoy such as climbing and cycling with friends. This has helped massively and while I am still knackered from being up several times a night (like now being subjected to Made in Chelsea while feeding the kid at 01.30) and working all day I am feeling much better about things.

Also, the crying/screaming has reduced since we found out the daughter has silent reflux and colic which is now being treated successfully.

Massive thanks to all those who took the time to comment over the last 7 pages.

Glad things are going better for you, will chip in and say we both had issues, I was more open about it and resolved them quickly, my missus felt more robbed of the bonding (emergency c section) and felt detached for a year afterwards (until she told me and and we figured out she was just thinking it out wrong).

On the colic – look up the “Tiger in the Tree” massage position, it worked wonders on mine when she was full of wind and going off her nut for hours on end. Also, the more you interact with him the quicker you’ll get the bond, mine was imitating sounds and stuff within a couple of months (just oos and aas but it was a start) and a few months after that I taught her to clap. It’s the small things like that which make all the difference.

And yeah – make sure you can both get your space, you’ll be needing it and it makes a huge difference.

Good luck with him and I assure you it turns into a distant memory, a year and a half on and it’s not looking so bad.

Good man…

There will come a point where it all makes sense, as others have alluded to. Just give it time.

And then you’ll do silly-arse things with gay abandon, such as downloading the Frozen song you ‘both’ love the most, and accidentally playing it on your iPad at the beginning of the AfL CPD you’re delivering to a staff of 40 teachers. Cue much hilarity… 😳

You must go out one night of the week and once for your hobby.

You are NOT bad parents if neither of you do this as your kid needs fit, sane, active and happy parents for later.

Reall good to hear OP, keep it up .

I missed out ‘not’

Oh and park your cock. This the primetime for Jane in Accounts who listens to you, doesnt look tired and suddenly seems ‘a connection’ to happen. Its why most couples split 0-1st two years of being new parents. The sleepless nights etc ‘we just dont seem to get along like we used to’ bollocks.

All my opinion of course.

I have been discussing things with my wife and now have an evening a week and a few hours at the weekend to unwind doing the things I enjoy such as climbing and cycling with friends. This has helped massively and while I am still knackered from being up several times a night (like now being subjected to Made in Chelsea while feeding the kid at 01.30) and working all day I am feeling much better about things.

Also, the crying/screaming has reduced since we found out the daughter has silent reflux and colic which is now being treated successfully.

Massive thanks to all those who took the time to comment over the last 7 pages.

You don’t realise this yet, but many many many of us can 100% relate to this bit. Xmas eve 2007 I spent at 3am driving the local lanes for 4 hours so my missus could sleep. Xmas day afternoon I drove my wee boy into the office to give her some rest to cook dinner… which she then spilt on the floor and had a crying fit in the kitchen.

The times at 2am sitting watching crap TV with my lad asleep on me, knowing 1 move would wake the demon again…

Happy memories hahahaha.

Glad to hear things are better OP.

Also, the crying/screaming has reduced since we found out the daughter has silent reflux and colic which is now being treated successfully.

Ah, yes, my son had that, coupled with night-terrors. Colic is a bitch but always keep in your mind that it will pass, and probably quicker than you realise. It seemed to go on forever with my boy, but looking back it was only a couple of months.

Sadly, the night-terrors continued, but they’re getting more infrequent as he gets older (he’s 5 now).

Winding technique is everything.. Found the sitting baby up winding especially useful see at about 2.20 on the vid

http://www.babycenter.com/2_how-to-burp-a-baby_10378283.bc

infacol was awesome…worked well enough for 4 hour sleeps. Keep at it as it does get easier.. soon you’ll realise you never needed sleep anyway. And lie ins are for wimps 😉

I didn’t post in the first 7 pages but unread the first 3! Glad to hear things are improving.
My eldest had dreadful colic and would scream literally all night til 6 am to start with, and would scream during the day if I wasn’t holding him – but it gradually improved, and it’ll be his 18th birthday in a couple of weeks!

I think you’re right to take some time out for yourself, but please don’t forget your wife! She may seem very preoccupied with caring for the baby but she will eventually want time out herself, and time together with you.

I READ the first 3 pages. Autocorrect changed it to UNREAD!

Re – Colic – Our youngest suffered terribly with this, until we worked out that she had a milk allergy – we swapped to soya milk and the problem went away over night.

I’m not suggesting for one minute you have the same problem, but pointing out that there could be an underlying issue.

Oh and park your cock. This the primetime for Jane in Accounts who listens to you, doesnt look tired and suddenly seems ‘a connection’ to happen. Its why most couples split 0-1st two years of being new parents. The sleepless nights etc ‘we just dont seem to get along like we used to’ bollocks.

No worries about that. In 16 years I have never felt the urge to stray and never will. Plus, I work in engineering in the civil service, there are no attractive women to tempt me!

infacol was awesome…

We tried Infacol and Colief. Both caused stomach upset and the reflux to be worst. What worked the best was changing to MAMs bottles and changing from SMA to Aptamil milk.

This thread brings back memories! As a father to three young boys I can only empathise with the OP – children are hard work, I think the word “relentless” describes my boys perfectly! Its above all else tiring and time consuming, and its easy to get frustrated and long for the free time to do whatever you liked before children came on the scene.

But the funny thing is that when you get free time to yourself you will find that a lot of thoughts are about your children, how great they are and how much you love them. When my wife and I get to have the occasion break from our children much of our conversation is about them.

They are wonderful and bloody annoying in almost equal measure but I cannot imagine life without them, they rock, and it does get better and more fun once they get out of nappies and start riding bikes!

Once you daughter has more interaction and becomes a little person, things will change. Look forward to first sounds/words/steps/learning to ride bike without stabilisers/you trying to keep up with her on your favourite singletrack…as so many things in between.

glad to hear you’re feeling better
– as others have said I was woefully emotionally unprepared for kids. It’s not helped by everyone’s automatic assumption that you’ll love your baby and if you don’t you’re wrong…
Babies, particularly from a blokey view, are a pita. The first 3-6 months were shocking (he’s almost 21 now), trying to play catch up with how to be a parent with no instruction manual (and back then no web forum like this!).

Wish I’d had a smartphone back then to get a pic of him crawling round the kitchen with my pants in his mouth, he obviously missed me when I went to work 😳 A two way relationship was forming. At 21 he’s still mostly a PITA though 🙄

The trouble with kids is that just when you think you’ve got a pattern nice and settled, they then change and you need to learn new skills.

Good to hear things have improved. It gets (lots) better as they get even a tiny bit older. First proper interactions/words/steps will have you forget about the difficult start.