Friday Funnies…..

let’s have em…jokes preferred

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently, she stood him up!

A woman is just getting out of the shower when there’s a knock at the door. She doesn’t have a towel at hand so she shouts, “Who is it?”

“It’s the blind man”

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, “Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blinds?”

Paul McCartney was really annoyed after the separation from Heather Mills. He said, “That’s the last time I go down on one knee. “

IGMC.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

Tomorrow, it will be seven years since Jeremy Beadle died. We’re going to commemorate the date with a small finger buffet.

Jeremy Beadle’s got a tiny willy, but, on the other hand, it’s massive!

How can you tell if an Ant is male or female?
Drop it into a jug of water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, boy ant.

How can you tell if an Ant is male or female?
Drop it into a jug of water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, boy ant.

That is the best joke I’ve heard in ages!

In other news, a man who took BAA to court over baggage handling standards last year has lost his case.

A woman is just getting out of the shower when there’s a knock at the door. She doesn’t have a towel at hand so she shouts, “Who is it?”

“It’s the blind man”

Don’t joke. Venetian blinds have saved humanity. Without them it would have been curtains for us all.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds 2 fingers up and says ‘five beers please mate’

Bought my missus a sheepskin burka. She’s now walking around like
Mutton Dressed Islam.

Don’t die a virgin. The terrorists are up there waiting for you.

I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down.

They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called “puff, paedo!, *******! F**kmonkey, s**t arse, knob jockey, ****, ****er and more

Turns out it was the Tourette’s de France.

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vets.
Vet says (in a thick yorkshire accent)” is it a ‘tom”
Yorkshire man replies “nay vet, its in t’ waiting room”

Here’s a dirty one for you:

Jock the Coalman.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee BEFORE it was cool.

How do country folk find their sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying

What did the leper tell the prostitute?
Keep the tip

A bloke is walking around the town with a penguin when a policeman sees him.

“Hey, you!” says the policeman. “Take that penguin to the zoo straight away!”

The next day the policeman is out on patrol when he sees the same man with the penguin. “Oy, you!” he says. “I though I told you to take that penguin to the zoo? What do you think you’re doing?”

“Well,” replies the bloke. “We did the zoo yesterday, the cinema today…. what else is there to do in this town?”

Here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

£12.99 for a Jordan wig that fits babies

…… Its a small Price Toupee

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put him into a microwave until his Bill Withers….

OK, it’s not Friday any more but that one always makes me smile…

Jennifer Lopez exercising her constitutional right to bear arms:

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

A limbo dancer walked into a bar….

He came third.