I’m no fan of stupid self help books or society’s imposed norms for “men” and “women” but I’ve tested a logic (which I think comes from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) with a number of women and it seems to hold true in many cases. Women who share a problem with you aren’t always (or even usually) looking for a solution to the problem, they are just venting/sharing the problem. If every-time she tells you something you attempt to help/fix it you actually make it less likely she will see you as a source of solutions when she needs them.

Wise words and I concur with all of that.  I’ve no time for cod philosophy but the fixing vs sympathising thing is certainly true in many cases IM(limited)E.

Also, make sure that you are doing your fair share of cooking, cleaning and child care.

Pro tip: the correct answer to this is not “all of it.”  You take on all the burden and, well, it’s a burden, and the net result is you smother someone.

I’ve been reading this thread with interest. I’ve got 2 kids (5 and 2), and things can get a bit challenging at times.

To begin with I guess I didn’t properly click with my kids until they each started doing stuff at about a year old. So for a year I had a toxic combination of a blob that sucked time to do other stuff and made my wife totally stressed. I had a feeling that would change though, and it did thankfully.

It’s really easy to start looking at your partner, seeing them doing stuff themselves and resenting it, or point counting, or something like that. My wife probably goes out more than I do, however she does the nursery run which means I get to bike commute (which means we save money only running one car etc).

As one person picked up on earlier, it’s we and us, rather than me and her. It’s taken me a few years to come round to this way of thinking and I constantly self analyse/critique. So rather than expecting 50/50 all the time I’m happy to let her go out a few nights on the trot, as long as I could maybe escape every now and again for a days mountain biking.

I guess you have 3 things you are trying to do if you are normal: work, family and race. Pick 2 ( otherwise you’ll neglect one of those in some way I imagine). Training to race seriously is a massive time sink (15 hours per week?) and I get the fact you might enjoy standing on a podium, but really in the grand scheme of things what’s the point? Surely your kids are more important and a better measure of success than beating some people in an xc race? (If you are pro and it is your job then fair doos you can probably fit it all in then)

Our relationship definitely isn’t perfect, we argue occasionally, never anything big or fundamental though. Our sex life is like totally non existent at the moment but hopefully that’ll iron itself out over time. Loving the kids now so glad we had them!

I get the fact you might enjoy standing on a podium, but really in the grand scheme of things what’s the point?

Doing something you enjoy for the sake of your own mental health and feeling of self-worth?  It’s not about “success,” it’s about taking time out to do something you enjoy.  If your only focus is “everyone else” you’re eventually going to crash and burn and then be of no use to anyone.

I’d respectfully disagree with “pick any two.”  Work is important, family is important, self-care is important.  You don’t have to reject one, you need to work out how to balance all three.

Some really frank exchanges and real advice here. If only there was more of this in less anonymous circles, beyond where it reaches crisis level and is obvious. BTW me and Mrs CP worked most of our shit out years ago and don’t argue often, but when we do it goes full nuclear fast and has been embarrassingly public at times!

It’s a shame people aren’t more honest about how difficult family life and relationships can be (even within families) particularly when communicating it to children. The poisonous keeping up appearances culture, further fuelled by social media and imported American work and perfectionism culture, where “losers” are tarred and feathered for everyone to laugh at. People are expected to run their families like military preparatory schools, with precision, never ending flexibility verging on clairvoyance.

It’s far from easy and the idea you should be working seven days a week, when not doing in the gym! All the time looking perfect and giving off an air of having everything screwed down tight in your life, not making a single wrong move, is dangerous IMO. It’s no wonder so many people are unhappy both at home and at work, need shrinks and self help. The standards and expectations are **** up beyond belief.

The smoke and mirrors people engage in just perpetuates the vicious circle, although it is understandable when some seem to revel in others perceived failure 🙁

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

He picked up a large jar and began to fill it with rocks about five centimetres in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

The professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly, causing the pebbles to roll into the areas between the rocks. Again, he asked the students if the jar was full. Again, they agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The sand filled all the gaps.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things — your family, your partner, your health, your children — things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

“The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.

“The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to a show. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house or give a dinner party. Take care of the rocks first — the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

At that point, a student took the jar and poured in a glass of beer. The beer filled the remaining spaces, making it truly full.

The moral: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

Doing something you enjoy for the sake of your own mental health and feeling of self-worth?  It’s not about “success,” it’s about taking time out to do something you enjoy.  If your only focus is “everyone else” you’re eventually going to crash and burn and then be of no use to anyone.

Yeah ok I guess I was trying to speculate how his wife might be feeling about it all. I totally agree with you fwiw and I love time on the bike the same as most of you (I think I’d feel guilty about doing race training though due to the massive time commitment – I did some marathon training last year but that was a block of 3 months and not permanent)

This is the thread that keeps on giving (support).

The supporting your partner and declaring they have a problem and being too “let’s fix this” is a very fine line.  At various points in the last couple of years I’ve been stressed suffered anxiety due to various events (such as being falsely accused of beating her up).  I’ve not always responded well and have accepted that I needed help (I saw a Dr who just said, ‘you’re doing as well as can be expected in your situation, talk to people, use family support, keep yourself busy and active” which was a great confidence boost, I’d begun to really doubt myself).  At this time we agreed as a family (me, wife, mother-in-law and my dad), that to improve things we should both see the Dr.  She found every excuse not to go and still maintains that the issue lies with me.

A friend who has been through a similar thing with her sister (and suspects she has the same issue), said “you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped”.

I’ve always tried to support her, but everything that is done gets forgotten/ignored when it comes to the crunch and she firmly believes I don’t support her.  Nothing I can do or say changes that perception.  I get accused of being too ‘headmastery’ (I’m only a lowly part-time class teacher – is it a compliment?!).

Later today we’ve got a counselling session, all she wants to do is sort out when I can see the children (which I’m pretty sure is not really a counsellor’s remit – more like a mediator/solicitor).  Fortunately her parents want me to have 50/50.  But I’m staring down the barrel of a gun and stand to lose my house (it’s on her family farm and I don’t want to take that away from her or the children), the businesses I’ve started (livestock, shepherd’s huts).  But strangely I feel happier and more relaxed, although I’m only sleeping a few hours a night, in some strange way it’s like the excitement I used to get before a big climbing trip… a new adventure around the corner… (or so I keep telling myself!)

Dr P – your story sounds very similar to how my parents were for most of my childhood. Dad was into his running and my mum resented it. As far as I remember, my dad contributed massively to the family and there was no question running was a second, but important part of his life. There was always a tension in the house as a result. It probably got worse as we got older (teenagers) and my dad started to do activities with the kids at the weekend which my mum didn’t participate in.

All I was going to add, is it’s worth thinking about how this is affecting the kids. I remember being aware if it and unhappy at the time and it has affected my own family life. It’s almost like I still get a bit of the same feeling of guilt when I go for a ride / run instead of staying at home. I feel the need to apologise for doing things for myself, I guess because that’s what was “normal” growing up. It’s totally irrational because my wife couldn’t be more different – she is more likely to tell me off for not going riding or ask why I came home so soon when it’s a nice day and the trails are dry.

There is a happy part to this, my folks are still together and as far as I can tell happier than the used to be. As others of said, the solution is not to find a hobby for your wife but support her to address the underlying issues.

CCP: I don’t know if your last comment was partially addressed to me. I agree that relationships are hard and you have to work at them. I certainly don’t try to give the impression that my life is perfect. My previous comment related to the negative generalisations about “women” I saw on this thread. If your comment wasn’t aimed at me, then fine, ignore this!

CCP: I don’t know if your last comment was partially addressed to me. I agree that relationships are hard and you have to work at them. I certainly don’t try to give the impression that my life is perfect. My previous comment related to the negative generalisations about “women” I saw on this thread. If your comment wasn’t aimed at me, then fine, ignore this!

Could it be asking questions about your perception of yourself that you think this ?

I’m very proud of your race wins. 😊

Again all, thanks for the comments..

RE racing/winning – I enjoy racing etc, but please believe me; I’m really NOT training! I have friend who train. Properly. And I’ll agree that they are 5/6 days a week, 4 hour rides at the weekend etc. This is NOT me. I appreciate it’s a bit of a pi$$ take WHAT I achieve with how few rides I get in! ANyway, enough genetic willy waving! IT was just to highlight that I’m not on the bike/my own time 24/7….

I guess I DO want to stay together; I appreciate I AM a bit down at the moment, so my ‘doom and gloom glasses’ are on, hence seeing everything as a negative… We DO have fun, we actually have a great sex life, she’s smoking hot and I still really ‘fancy’ her..

I think one of MY issues , as has been painted above, is that I’m a ‘fixer’. It’s kind of my job. I’m handy fixing things around the house, and I guess I see reflections of MY failings if i can’t ‘fix’ something…

I think I jsut want the household to be happy – that includes kids being happy, wifey being happy, and me being happy…

In this achievable…. hopefully with us all staying together it is….

DrP

Any pics ?

I’ve already sent you loads of me… was that not enough for you 🙁

DrP

I think DrP’s setting up the weirdest humblebrag ever…

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Dr P – your story sounds very similar to how my parents were for most of my childhood. Dad was into his running and my mum resented it. As far as I remember, my dad contributed massively to the family and there was no question running was a second, but important part of his life. There was always a tension in the house as a result. It probably got worse as we got older (teenagers) and my dad started to do activities with the kids at the weekend which my mum didn’t participate in.

All I was going to add, is it’s worth thinking about how this is affecting the kids.

Interesting post. Is there anything you would have liked your Dad to have done differently?

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@ vickypea – No it wasn’t directed at you. Just an observation from within my own circles and what I’ve witnessed over the years.

It’s a sad situation people are under such pressure to look as though everything they do is successful and become isolated from real help. They look around and think everyone else is doing it right and/or they are frightened of ridicule and/or embarrassment.

People, with the odd exception of course, aren’t open enough about these things, even within families.

So you win races without training, your wife is smoking hot and you actually have sex… Verses has it #humblebrag

😉

In response to Steve’s “Interesting post. Is there anything you would have liked your Dad to have done differently?”

That’s a great question. In all honesty, no. If he’d been more forceful I guess it would have ended up with me having divorced parents. He did the best he knew how to keep stuff together. He genuinely wasn’t responsible for my mum’s happiness. I wish she’d have worked out stuff sooner so they could have got to where they are now but while the family was younger.

No public linen airing from me, but maybe we’ll have a chat at the BBB, DrP..

Having had more arguments than I can ever recall (although my wife can!) I can honestly say that more sex was the solution. It’s base I know but it really does make her less hostile towards my hobbies and interests.

Not saying it’s the end to strife but it seems to keep her on my side. Pulling my weight when needed also keeps the piece.

After reading the whole thread, I think chestercopperpot has it.

This 21st obsession with being ‘happy’ 24/7 isn’t natural. It’s impossible to be happy all the time. We have to have the lows to appreciate the highs.

This is why (some) slebs end up with a mucked up, drug/drink fuelled life. They have so many happy and ‘high’ moments, that they’re constantly striving for the next.

You have answered your own question about being a fixer. Women aren’t very good at taking advice from their other half and tend to listen to female friends. Try and put yourself in your wife’s shoes.

This is just a blip in your life atm, you’ll work through it.  Everything else is in place.

>Try and put yourself in your wife’s shoes.

That’s really bad for your feet.

Glad it not just my Mrs then who doesn’t take advice from their other halves ….. oh but if a friend suggests something it must be gospel…. 🙂

It’s all fun and games… wouldn’t have it any other way.

We bicker like cat and dog, but I don’t see that as a problem. if you can’t have a pop as your nearest and dearest who can you? … If it starts getting out of hand in our house, it normally means we haven’t had sex in a while….. OP you says it’s all good in that dept, so maybe your making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Rather than trying to fix her underlining issue… how about looking at your own? You want praise for winning some silly race …. are you seven?

Men have had past times to get out of the house for time immemorial …. (pigeon fancying FFS, now those fellas must really dislike their wives)…. and wives have rolled their eyes at their men’s antics for just as long.

Get over it …really no one cares but your race results… there is nothing more boring than someone else’s hobbies… we all know a golf bore.

You are keeping fit, having your own fun and setting a great example to your kids…. that’s all the reason you need to continue.

But may I suggest running …. shoes on, out the door, decent workout/training, back and showered ready to look after the kids in about an hour. She’ll not even notice you’ve gone half the time.

And… And …. if you are training for a marathon somehow this is alright… you’ll get as much time as you reasonably want.. well that’s how it played out in my house.

Good luck

“Are you both happy with your sex life?”

hers or mine?

this thread is such a bummer. i can relate to some aspects here. good luck to the OP.

Rather than trying to fix her underlining issue… how about looking at your own? You want praise for winning some silly race …. are you seven?

In a really honest way, “thank you!”. This is kind of why I posted here..it’s nice to NOT jsut surround yourself in an echo chamber of confirmative self pity.. I think you ARE right in a way…
I’m likely just feeling a bit sorry for myself, and selfishly focussing on MY losses here…

This is just a blip in your life atm, you’ll work through it.  Everything else is in place.

Like all things, a bit of time and some flowers, and re-focussing attention on us/her, should see things right.
I was chatting to my son the other day (He’s 8) when we were waiting at the top of the slide at the swimming pool – i suggested we wait for ‘mum and his sister’ so we can all go down together. He said that wasn’t fair as he’s at the top now. I said to him “that’s right, that’s not fair – we ARE worse off. But it’s nice to wait for them. Sometimes we jsut have to accept we are worse off, in order to do nice things together”.

I’m not sure if i was talking to him or me……

Cheers again…

I’ll probably reply to other threads as my usualy jolly old self… don’t judge me for that….

DrP

You want praise for winning some silly race …. are you seven?

<span style=”font-size: 0.8rem;”>My  missus is just about to finish the Camino on a bike including  riding 40 miles at 5000 feet in a blizzard in april   – would it be stupid of me to praise her for this as she is just  being needy?  Should i tell her to grow up?</span>

DrP  …. Glad my tough love hit the right note …. It’s only given through my own very similar experience … 🙂

Junky … Mid-life crisis rubbish is still mid-life crisis rubbish no matter the sex.

I’m really not that impressed with her “accomplishment” and far less with yours for being married to her….. But like I said aye? … the things we do get away from the other half … don’t tell me, her other hobby is pigeon fancying 🙂

Try patting your wife on the top of the head saying ” never mind dear” then when she gets a bit narky try saying ” you are cute when you are angry”

Works for me

I’m really not that impressed with her “accomplishment” and far less with yours for being married to her…

WTF… Am i misreading that or are you being properly harsh here ?

you are not misreading it  at all it was deliberate but why feed the troll? A cycling tour is a midlife crisis on a cycling forum how desperate [ and dumb] is that ? 🙂

… don’t tell me, her other hobby is pigeon fancying

Marvellous! I hope she at least does this on occasion 😀

re-reading some of these responses, in the light of a recent situation (no, not the speeding ticket) and wondering on people’s thoughts and whether they mirror my own.

One of my wife’s friends has been diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s only a small lump, very treatable, she’s had it taken out and is having follow up treatment (i think radiotherapy) today. My wife has gone with her because

– her husband isn’t very good with this sort of stuff and not ‘coping’ very well

– she’d rather have her friend there with her than her husband.

I know it’s very much a ‘in their shoes’ situation and maybe (hopefully) I’ll never know whether I’d cope with it, but I’d be damned if I didn’t try, and I’d be mortified if in a situation like this, if I  wasn’t the person she’d want to support her on this.  Which as I say made me re-read this and think, through all the good and the bad, the arguments, the times when i thought we were done – would my wife ever not have been the person I’d turn to and vice versa.

And if you can’t say without a moment’s hesitation that yes, there’s no-one you’d want by your side more….. then set to work.

The rest – is just details.

fair point Jon but the other thing is you cannot be everything for your partner – we all have strengths and weaknesses but you should be each others best friend

tjagain wrote:

Try patting your wife on the top of the head saying ” never mind dear” then when she gets a bit narky try saying ” you are cute when you are angry”

Works for me

Video or it didn’t happen

Oh …. sorry to burst the bubble gents ….. Our sport/hobby/interest is just a past time.

Don’t take it or yourselves so serious.

I did a 100 mile run last year … so what …. I like running, so did it for a long while ??

Lady likes riding her bike, so does it for a long time…. Honestly good for her, hope she enjoyed herself.

Edit … my point is undoubtedly more eloquently put by Theother….. Facing life’s unexpected  crisis calmly, bravely and maybe with grace is a real accomplishment … these other things … races/ challenges are mere baubles …

We should be so lucky to be able to do them.

Too long, didnt read all of it aside from establishing that:

Your wife needs to be getting her endorphins.

She probably resents how easily you can pop out and get yours

Its not about you spending family time togther, you need to facilitate her getting free time to do what she wants without you telling her or suggesting what she can do.

Family time still involves her being with the kids.. Seems she needs a break from them

So, take the kids somewhere.. just you. Give her some down time. Make it a routine so she identifies where she can get some of her life back.

This is something i also need to work much harder on!

Make time for some for intimacy too..not just once the kids are in bed but when theybare botneven a thought (whenntheybare out @school, daycare, @grandparents) it helps 😉 it might have to start with couple time/date night though or itll end in another arguement if you ask for a game of hide the sausage right off the bat.

Ro5ey wrote:

Rather than trying to fix her underlining issue… how about looking at your own? You want praise for winning some silly race …. are you seven?

What’s wrong with people on here? No, that or doing the Camino in a blizzard isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things – but you know what, if you look at it in those terms my whole life and yours is utterly inconsequential. These are the sort of things which make us people, and I’d certainly be excited by somebody I loved doing well at something they enjoy and is an important part of their lives. Exactly what is important enough to take seriously in your world?

No, I’m sure he doesn’t want praising as if he’s seven, but being positive about other people’s accomplishments is a normal part of being an empathic human being. Heck, I even tend to congratulate people I’m not in love with (even those I have no sexual interest in at all) when they successfully complete a difficult climb or learn to do something new on their skates. Maybe you’ve never tried that, so don’t appreciate that it’s a win/win and that reinforced positivity makes the world so much happier a place than just putting other people down.

Oh, and congratulations on your contributions to this thread 😉

being positive about other people’s accomplishments is a normal part of being an empathic human being.

Absolutely !! But when I cone on here I have to constantly remind myself how many “non normal” posters there are.

But a great thread on the whole. Lot’s of insight into problems I’ve  have had in my own marriage.  STW at its best 😁

Blimey! Quite startling how many posts sound like how my Wife and i seem to be going.

She always says that she doesn’t mind me riding or doing any other hobby/activity but the sulky reaction says otherwise.

She will not argue or dicuss about things either. She just goes quiet and bottles stuff up.

A lot of the time it’s not even stuff for myself, but jobs around the house or garden – stuff I’d really rather not be doing, but it still gets the same reaction.

My wife has no hobbies and all attempts to get her into something has failed over the years. She will quite happily spend the whole evening watching crap on TV playing rubbish games on her phone while jobs around the house never get done. If I go off and do something productive it winds her up and she seems to begrudge it.

I’ve had loads of failed interests over the years which I never even get started with like woodworking, wheelbuilding, teaching myself electronics etc. and with regards to cycling I never seem to get past frustratingly unfit because I can’t spend enough time riding and all my bikes are always on the edge of being complete wrecks because maintenance is another one of those things that gets huffed and puffed at.

Ho hum…