and she can’t ever seem to view those as a glass half full moment, it’s not “well done you worked hard for that” it’s “well that barely makes up for you being shit for the last 3 months”.

I think it’s partially my fault for being a bit of a pushover, I give her too many carrots and in return all I get is sticks.  Sometimes I do feel like I need to actually have a go at her to remind her that a) she’s not perfect and that she is capable of doing things that aren’t, and b) that someone having a go at you is really shit.

Trying not to laugh … but then i might cry!

I’d be careful that you don’t get into a pattern of appeasing her – it sounds like you’ve already been very flexible.I got into a similar pattern when I was married and it became the norm to be the one keeping the peace, the one the kids wanted time with , I think a frank discussions possibly with some support from Relate about who wants what and how it can be reconciled , there does get to be a point where you lean so far that you fall on your arse.

Sometimes easier said than done.  I started off because everything went back to agree or I am taking your kid away. (and this meant abroad) … I checked and legally she can’t but in practicality she can because once she’s done it reversing the situation ends up in foreign courts and you are unlikely to ever win anyway.

Every day is her demonstrating how angry she is.  Banging doors, pans, stomping etc. I learned a long time ago not to ask if everything is OK… she does the most bizarre things like I might be watching TV and she will come into the living room and switch off the TV and lights then storm to her bedroom,  (not a word said)

It matters little what I do or do not do… because the result is the same.

CHeers for the replies..

I can see similar situations exist all round..TINAS; I can see reflections of my life in yours.

Part of my issue is that I HATE pointless confrontation (that’s not to say I’m a pushover/weak, it’s just that..well..I guess I see so much misery and suffering and such in day to day work, and that I appreciate that I REALLY am very lucky/fortunate, so if something bad happens, i get briefly annoyed and then just move on.

Kind of because I choose to be happy, rather than hold a grudge or petty annoyance for too long.

For example, pertinent to my life; she says she never gets enough time to do what she wants..

However, She runs her own business (botox/dermal fillers..I’m sure I’ve said that here before) and frequently (like, once every 6 weeks) she’ll attend a conference or training day/weekend up in london. She’ll go with her friend (same industry), all delegates are treated to a hotel and wined and dined in the evening, and it sounds a right laugh. But…to her, it’s WORK so can’t be classed in the same category as a weekend riding with the lads (for example).

To me, though I accept it’s a ‘work related conference, it seems quite fun, and on the odd occasion i actually bring this up, i get told it’s incomparable……

It really feels like she’s ‘banning’ herself from realising life can be fun. Even the dull stuff can have a laugh made of it.

I appreciate I’m not perfect, and yeah, do stuff that’s annoying and probably disrespectful/ruse to her at times…but I frequently receive the same!

DrP

It’s usually when I pass comment on her family being lazy horrible minging selfish parasites who …………………………. spend most of their time smoking or stuffing their fat ugly face’s with cheap takeaway pizza’s and energy drinks whilst sat on their fat diabetic arses. The useless ****.

I often say the same about her’s, including once not too subtly on facebook when I’d just got out of hospital with a broken arm and a particularly obese aunt sent her a message saying she didn’t know why she put up with me or my hobbies. It didn’t help that my boss was of similar proportions made a similar comment despite the fact I think I missed substantially less days than the company average sickdays despite breaking my arm and having to go in for surgery on it later on.

“If one more fat person comments on my cycling and injuries I’m going to comment on their diet, exercise and diabetes”.

This is emotional abuse

Sadly, this was my first thought.  Been there, etc.  There’s a gulf of difference between feeling guilty and being made to feel guilty; the former is something you’ll just have to get over, the latter is abuse.  And it’s something which is very hard to recognise when you’re in the middle of it, it’s all too easy to make excuses.

I can definitely see myself as being guilty of being a ‘fix it man’… “you got a problem..here’s a solution” type responses.

Again, been there.  Often women don’t want solutions, they want to hear “there there, that sounds terrible, shall we share a litre of Ben & Jerry’s?”  Does she have any female friends?  They’re much better at this than us neanderthals. </rash generalisations>

I got so locked into being a carer that I forgot how to be a partner.  I felt guilty about taking time for myself (note, this was my problem, she wasn’t guilt-tripping me – quite the opposite, she was telling me to go do stuff and I wouldn’t).  We ended up living in each other’s pockets, and that’s not healthy.  The turning point for me was realising, if I fall over then I’m no use to anyone else.

I think you both need to have a long, frank discussion about this, at a neutral time when neither of you is pissed off.  Explain that you need to take time to do these things for the sake of your own mental health, and you refuse to feel guilty about it.  Maybe ask if there’s more to it – is she feeling insecure maybe, worrying when you go off that you might meet a younger model (because MTBing is awash with female riders, obvs) and not come back?

If you can’t do this, or nothing changes, you’re into the realms of either counselling or walking away.  With any partner you have to ask, is she / he enriching my life, or making it worse?  If the latter, why are you both together?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?

It’s all familiar stuff, OP.  Just a couple of thoughts…

Doing all the cleaning etc around the house may be seen as “controlling”, rather than in the way you might see it (“I do all the bloody work around here”).

It does also sound as if your other half may want some kind of no-strings-attached recognition of the impact your hobby has on your partner and family?  I do detect some resentment on your part at being held back in your ambitions.

Are your standards seen as too high by your partner?  As in generally too high?

(This is all based on me picking out a few things that are familiar in the _H household.  I’m happy to say that we’ve kept the lines of communication open over the years – my other half understands the importance to my mental health of cycling and, in turn, I understand that what’s “ok” can change quite quickly).

It really feels like she’s ‘banning’ herself from realising life can be fun.

Random thought here – solo hobbies / interests aside, do you do fun stuff together?  If her life is all “work” and she sees you out “having fun” then I can see how she might be a little resentful.  Not that that excuses her behaviour, mind.

Ohh, and get Google calendar on your phones if you don’t already.

It’s great being able to stick all my racing in the calendar in advance, that ways we both know what’s coming up, and it’s not a surprise to her when I say I’m off at the weekend whilst at the same time diffuses any argument along the lines of “you’re always away” because we can both see the calendar and it’s less than once a month at most, and outnumbered by the number of “Prosecco with the girls in London” type events!

Some ligamental issues, which really affect her chosen hobby significntly

You are both athletes like me and mrs rocket *cough*

When she’s injured she never asks me about any run/ride and when I’m crocked I stay glued to Netflix when she comes in with a phone full of QOMs

When we’re both crocked we only talk to the cat

When we’re both ok we discuss training plans and how to save 0.3 seconds

I think another issue is that she’s terrible at talking about things.
She freely admits her family (parents and siblings) were never there for her, so she’s learnt to just ‘keep it bottled up’ and she admits that she feels everyone just disapoints her.
As such, it’s as if she’s waiting for me to disapoint. Which of course I invariably will (hey..I’m only human after all..) and then that simply confirms her fears about people.

I try to make time for us, but with 2 kids, a paucity of childminders, and the fact she frequently works into the evenings, our hours are limited at the best of times..

If you can’t do this, or nothing changes, you’re into the realms of either counselling or walking away.  With any partner you have to ask, is she / he enriching my life, or making it worse?  If the latter, why are you both together?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?

I think this..frequently..

DrP

Sheesh fella…you’re not exactly filling us with hope for the future for you guys.

My first marriage involved me playing a lot of sport and her not!  I always argued that I played sport when I met her, so why would she expect it to change!  Besides, its good to have your own space in a marriage with your own interests and friends!  However, that marriage didn’t last, despite me giving up 50% of them, when our child arrived.

Second marriage and its a different dynamic, in that she has her own stuff and doesn’t worry about me doing what I want to do.  Now I think, I can’t remember a proper argument in the last 15 years….some petty bickering, but nothing involving full on shouting at each other.  That makes me feel a bit fortunate!

I try to make time for us

Do or do not, there is no “try.”

Seriously, I don’t believe that you can’t make time to spend an evening or a weekend doing something fun together, even if you have to schedule it weeks in advance.  That’s not a partnership, that’s existing together.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant even – when was the last time you packed the kids off to bed and snuggled up on the couch with a bottle of fizz and a good movie?  When was the last time you brought her flowers home for no reason?  Come to that, when was the last time she did that for you?  (Note, this may backfire if the response is going to be “what’s this for, what have you done?”)

And +1 for the Google Calendar.  You can create a shared calendar you can both access, you can plan ahead and prevent double-bookings.  We adopted a policy of “if it’s not in the calendar, it doesn’t exist” and it worked really well.

She freely admits her family (parents and siblings) were never there for her, so she’s learnt to just ‘keep it bottled up’ and she admits that she feels everyone just disapoints her.

The fact she recognises it is a start.  This sounds like the sort of thing counselling / CBT might be able to help with, maybe?

This is a sad thread and agree with Cougar that a talking therapy is needed but has to be the right type.  Issues from childhood can stay with you, it may be tricky for her to open up so a therapist asking the right questions/able to draw out responses is imperative.  Doing nothing can not be an option.

P-Jay

Wives getting all agro because Husbands (it’s usually that way around) are spending time they could spend staring at their phones whilst the TV is on at the same time as them on other things is as old as marriage. That’s usually what it boils down to – ‘selfishness’.”

This so much. Mine moans that I have loads of free time to enjoy myself while she doesn’t but sits in front of the TV flicking through Facebonk on her phone.

Seriously, get some couples counselling! What’s the worst that can happen…..

It’s a very relatable situation. I think trying to keep any competitive sport going through the small child phase is tough.

You and I have raced in the same events over the last few years OP – although I prefer gears; ) – and with a toddler and soon to be newborn I guess I have an inkling of what you are trying to balance and I do find it a struggle.

The other half is really quite reasonable about me racing and riding this season, but it has been our single biggest cause of friction over the last 10 years. Similar to you, its been a case of her not having a comparable hobby / time commitment to something, but I did also take it too far in the past.

Things I did that were my fault included being obsessed with riding further away – Wales, FoD etc (we live in the south east) so riding would regularly involve a long day out almost every week. In my situation now, especially as a one car family, that would be too much. But it doesn’t sound like you are doing this! I ride after kid bedtime (like you) but also get an afternoon at weekends, a luxury I think will stop with a newborn. So you don’t sound like you are asking for too much, in comparison.

I also stopped racing XC and Brass Monkeys. I now have winter off and am only doing a few (five?) races this summer. Having the winter off seems to make my Spring / Summer commitments look more restrained and there’s less perception I am constantly on the bike or training 🙂

I sat down with her in January and marked the events I wanted to do in the calendar, which we agreed before I paid for entries. I’m also with the folk who suggested that it’s important to fight your corner on this, once you are confident that you aren’t being unreasonable.

I likewise feel I could do a lot more and I really enjoy riding at the moment. I’m dealing with this by looking at it as a phase. While we have babies and young toddlers, I think I am doing well to keep riding, racing and enjoying it. In a few years time the pressure will reduce (maybe!) but I’ve seen so many friends quit the sport entirely when family arrives that maybe you should also be proud of what you are achieving and not beat yourself up about doing more / better, but that isn’t a criticism.

You get tuesday evening for a ride then offer her wednesday evening for whatever she wants.

Cougar… RE “Seriously, I don’t believe that you can’t make time to spend an evening or a weekend doing something fun together, even if you have to schedule it weeks in advance.  That’s not a partnership, that’s existing together.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant even – when was the last time you packed the kids off to bed and snuggled up on the couch with a bottle of fizz and a good movie?”

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this… I love to chill and just hang out on the sofa also.. However, genuinely, in her eyes it feels that just ‘hanging out at home’ isn’t doing something, thus doesn’t count…
I dunno… clearly with 2 kids and busy jobs, we can’t live life like we’re students (Out boozing every evening, lying in till midday) but it seems what we CAN do isn’t good enough….

Will try the counselling route..again..

DrP

My first marriage involved me playing a lot of sport and her not!  I always argued that I played sport when I met her, so why would she expect it to change!  Besides, its good to have your own space in a marriage with your own interests and friends!

The classic being men marry a woman and hope she stays the same, women marry a man hoping he will change 😉

It sounds like she’s depressed.

If you want to sort things out, you need to drop your rides for a bit and listen to her.  Have a long heart to heart, don’t arrange to go out, don’t try and rush her into it, but try and be a bit more sympathetic to how she’s feeling and what the root of this all is.

If she’s still unwillng to try and break any ground, perhaps you need to talk about drawing a line under things as you’re not working anymore, but don’t make that a thing unless you’re 100% commited to it being a thing, because otherwise it’ll break the both of you.

Oh and be warned, she might have a hell of a lot to tell you that you might not want to hear, some of which might knock you for six.

There’s a reason so many people “want a quiet life”.  These situations are seldom an easy fix.

Best of luck

Hmmmm Pidge. Genuinely surprised at this. Maybe if coming on here, then might do to get some proper professional help, individually yourself or as a couple?

It sounds like she’s depressed.

Or she’s just a bitch 🙂

Ride less?

Genuinely, how much time do yo spend cycling and fettling in a week? set some time aside for a date night or something.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this… I love to chill and just hang out on the sofa also.. However, genuinely, in her eyes it feels that just ‘hanging out at home’ isn’t doing something, thus doesn’t count…

So how about something more interactive, then you’re doing something rather than just “hanging out” together.  Board games maybe?  Modern board games are great, we’ve come a long way since Scrabble and Monotony.

You get tuesday evening for a ride then offer her wednesday evening for whatever she wants.

She actually fits in lots of her own things, now i think about it.. Ballet on a monday eve (which I rush back from work for, to allow her to go)..had her nails done today.. fits in a weekly massage… :-/

I’m getting bored of the sound of my own voice offering her evenings to do things, TBH… I think it all boils down to the fact she can’t do the activities she REALLY wants to do, and resents me for being able to do mine. Perhaps?

DrP

P-Jay

Wives getting all agro because Husbands (it’s usually that way around) are spending time they could spend staring at their phones whilst the TV is on at the same time as them on other things is as old as marriage. That’s usually what it boils down to – ‘selfishness’.”

This so much. Mine moans that I have loads of free time to enjoy myself while she doesn’t but sits in front of the TV flicking through Facebonk on her phone.

Yep, I think we’ve so far managed to mostly dodge that bullet at home, it’s not always easy – I think Mrs Jay would prefer I was home every evening to keep her company, but oddly some nights we barely talk, it’s not we’re arguing or anything, it’s just there’s not much to talk about and he’s usually elbow deep in some ‘goss’ with her mates from work via Whatsapp or FB. I try to get out once a week for an evening ride or just to hang out with one of my mates for a bit. I’m happy to say she’s becoming quite close to a couple of mates from work, well they don’t work together now which if anything helps so she can do the same. Sometimes a man just wants to eat supermarket cooked chicken with his hands and shoot Nazis in the face on the Xbox.

One ‘thing’ I often have to try to handle at home is that for me, ‘Fair’ doesn’t mean always mean ‘Equal’ or ‘Same’.

I sometimes have these slightly odd conversations like she’s been negotiating on my behalf with herself. She wanted to go to NYC last summer to see her Sister, I encouraged her to go, but at one point she said “well, you did go to Canada with your mates”  which I did years ago, 2010 or 11 I think. I don’t think at any point I complained about her going, but it was like we’d pre-argued it and she’d successfully won on points.

set some time aside for a date night or something.

We did this for a bit, I think I over-did it slightly (its in my nature) I earmarked every Saturday night for a special meal, fancy wine etc, but sometimes life gets in the way I’d get argo if something got in the way.

Now it’s sharing a few beers or wine which is, if anything nicer.

I am a truly awful person when I’m injured, IF I can’t do any sport at all, i.e. I can’t cycle or run or swim. I become completely unreasonable, ungrateful and can’t enjoy anything. Fortunately (for my relationship) that’s only been a couple of months in the past four years.

Is Mrs DrP not able to do any of her desired physical hobbies, long-term? Sounds like that’s not quite the case if she can go to ballet, but it’s a really ****** situation if so – and I could totally imagine behaving in the way you’ve described her as doing.

Not sure what the solution is if that’s the case though 🙁

Maybe she doesn’t like you very much anymore and maybe its mutual?

Difficult to overcome issues like those!

As an aside to the subject matter of this thread ..could I just point out that you don’t have to be significantly overweight to be diabetic..it can be hereditary ..as in my case type 2 ..both parents ( one deceased ) are / were diabetic ..my brother who is of similar build is also type 2 ..while my sister who is paranoid about it does everything she can to combat it ..

Just saying ..😁

I know depression has been mentioned, but have you explored that? She may be mourning the loss of her activities/hobbies, and is expressing that as resentment towards you being able to do your activity.

My GF has run for her country, was passionate about running to the point that it was almost her raison d’etre. We even met through various running circles.

Then she was diagnosed with a condition that means she’ll never run again. The sense of loss that I saw in my GF was akin to a bereavement and she fell into a very dark place for a period.

I tried no end of times to suggest to her things that she could try doing, when I just needed to be there and support her through the dark times.

OwenP wrote:

It’s a very relatable situation.

A  lot of very relatable things on here – the resentment at me spending time doing my sports being a thing, but I discovered that when I did a lot less than I had before nothing changed, that was simply a symptom. The big things I can relate to though are her being terrible at talking about things – we went to counselling and she still wouldn’t open up, we stopped doing counselling because she didn’t want to do any more because it appeared there were things she simply won’t talk about (TBH I should have known then that the end was inevitable). That and the lack of doing anything fun together – we didn’t have any sort of going out “date” for years when kids were small, and probably not much in the way of staying in or any appreciation of any effort I made, which I think killed any hope there might have been. To come back to the original issue though, we’ve barely argued at all – partly because I go into conflict avoidance, but I don’t think it’s just that, as she’s not good at communicating she just built up resentment.

Anyway, I’m  not sure how helpful my own issues are (though I think this thread has confirmed I’m doing the right thing – it’s clear that spending time with her no longer enhances my life in any way). Though I’m feeling that there are a few obvious big red flag issues here – if you’re not communicating properly and you’re not having fun together then those really need fixing now whilst you still have the chance.

Can you post a MumsNet link to what she is saying about you please  🙂

The size of the chasm between perceptions sounds quite epic

I think it all boils down to the fact she can’t do the activities she REALLY wants to do, and resents me for being able to do mine. Perhaps?”

I’m going to say this 100%.  I’m an awful person when injured and if I was told I had to stop completely and permanently I’m sure I’d be a wreck.  We tie up a lot of our identity in activities. e.g Mountain Biker or Skier or Railway enthusiast that not being able to do it would cause huge issues.  Last year I broke my shoulder and then sweamrs went way (on a previously booked) to a mountain bike stage race.  I was never even going to do the race and had always planned to stay at home looking after sweajnr but all of a sudden I resented her having fun whilst I couldn’t (despite the fact I was never going to do the race).

What did you do previously prior to kids / her injury?  Maybe you both need to start doing something different a bit of the time (possibly board games per Cougar) but possibly something active.  Ice skating? Tennis?  Is childcare really so tough you can’t get one night a month/fortnight free?  If you’re both equally novice at it then no worries about expectations etc.

Sweamrs and I are lucky we have same rough interests. Nothing says romance like a date night zwift once sweajnr is asleep.

We have our fair share, more lately and certainly more than I’d like — I don’t buy any of that “an argument’s good every now and then” BS.

It sounds like OP’s other half is similar to mine in that she knows she wants to / ought to be doing something, but doesn’t know what that “something” is. You get it in the neck because you know what your “something” is, and you’re “being selfish” because you go out and do it whilst she stays at home not knowing what to do.

I gave up a career so that we could be together, and it has created a wedge between us that you don’t notice most of the time; but mid-argument it becomes obvious. I had to stop a lot of the training I was doing so that I could work on an alternate career which fundamentally changed who I was.

A lot of our arguments are centered around the idea that “we’re not being the people we want to be” and I suspect that it might be the same for you guys? If you feel like you’re being held back from being truly competitive, you might have conveyed that, or even said it in an argument. That might cause her to feel guilty for holding you back, and in her mind stopping you from training makes you less likely to be competitive and therefore like she’s not holding you back from anything special?

Also, my OH wants a similar situation to yours where I’m always at home, but not necessarily doing something together. Even being in a different room or working on my laptop is being “too distant”, yet her FB & Instagram scrolling is perfectly acceptable whilst her crappy TV program is on in the background.

I called her out on it mid-argument once, and continue to remind her when she’s ignoring me in favour of her phone. Calling her out on her double-standards and her behaviour that goes against what she says she wants has been a Good Thing for us; but it was a bit of a fraught road getting here.

I’d say the same as others have. It’s all about communication. Even if it starts as an argument, try to talk over the same points later in a more reasoned manner. That way they become legitimate concerns and things you can work on/hold each other to, rather than just ammunition mid-argument.

Does she have any REAL friends? That she can go out and get pissed with / have a meal / go to a film? Just soemthing away from the home for a while? Everybody needs a pressure valve, Mrs B is noticeably more argumentative for no reason if she hasn’t got out with the girls for a couple of weeks, or been unable to run for some reason. I’m probably exactly the same but don’t acknowledge it.

I’m not sure I can help but I can certainly sympathise – your situation sounds shockingly similar (except the race winning bit!).

I average about a 2 hour local ride every 2-3 weeks and that is always resented as if mountain biking is another woman. Recently I didn’t ride for 4 months; the first time back out got the same reaction even then.

It sounds to a man’s brain like an easy problem to solve but it doesn’t work like that. Give her lots of time to do what she wants to do and she doesn’t use the opportunity “I didn’t want to go for a bike ride” “I like just spending time with the kid(s)” etc. Response to a mountain bike ride might be “why don’t you just go for a run for your exercise?” (I’ve never got any joy out of running, I mountain bike because I enjoy it, the fitness benefit is incidental).

I have never really reconciled myself with the idea that one person wouldn’t get pleasure from their partner’s happiness. To be quite honest the suggestion somewhere up there of depression or similar has long been my hunch but there are other issues too. Does she get what she wants from her job, or used to get from it pre-kids?

jdumont7228 wrote:

We have our fair share, more lately and certainly more than I’d like — I don’t buy any of that “an argument’s good every now and then” BS.

It is if the alternative is never sorting out the issues and building up resentment, and provided you can settle your differences and make up afterwards (there’s an obvious implication there, but it’s not something I have any experience of, so I’ve no idea if it’s a real thing…) rather than post argument turning into resentment.

Also, my OH wants a similar situation to yours where I’m always at home, but not necessarily doing something together. Even being in a different room or working on my laptop is being “too distant”, yet her FB & Instagram scrolling is perfectly acceptable whilst her crappy TV program is on in the background.

like looking in a mirror!!!

I guess this is one thing that bothers me! She can sit on the sofa, being ‘mentally absent’ doing work emails/social media etc (Aesthetic work is very social media based), but I’m not allowed to be physcially absent. Again, I wonder if it’s because she claims it’s works, so ‘not fun’??

WIll try to ahve a chat about things tonight. Again, cheers for the input; both from those in a similar boat, and those with good suggestions x

DrP