Dealing with a breakup.

Several years back I went through a nasty break up, we’d been together 2 years, she was my first ‘proper’ girlfriend. And it turned out that she’d been grabbing onto several branches before letting go of mine! It felt like she’d strung me along for ages before floating off to someone else without a care in the world, without even having the decency to tell me what had happened.

It hurt, it was sh*t, I was convinced it must have been my fault, there was something wrong with me, etc. And like you, I’d get that horrible swirling in the pit of my stomach when my brain said “she’s with someone else you know”, thanks Brain!

But, I met a friend of a friend who was about to go away travelling. So I thought, “you know what, I might do that”. I was plodding along in my comfort zone which gave me lots of time to think about things that I shouldn’t have bothered myself with (her, basically), and doing something, really *doing something* would mean I had something to focus on.

So I decided to ask for a couple of months off work (I felt that I *had* to do it, so I’d convinced myself to call my bosses bluff. If he asked what I’d do if he said no, then I’d tell him I’d quit and do it anyway). As it happens they agreed to it.

So I had 8 weeks in south east asia, in the time between asking for the time off and leaving I was so busy with sorting visas, passports, packing lists, accomodation, flights and generally researching and planning the trip that I found myself thinking about what had happened less and less.

And then I ended up in the departures lounge of heathrow, shi**ing myself at the thought of flying to the other side of the world completely on my own, having only been as far as Mallorca in the past! 😆 But I did it, I got there and then it was all about the experience, I wasn’t scared, I didn’t regret a single second of it. If I’m honest I’d got a bit of a “don’t let the b**ch grind you down” mentality. I WAS going to watch the sun go down on the beach of a tiny Thai island. I WAS going to see Angkor Wat etc etc, and nothing she’d done or could do was going to stop me, all the sh*t she’d done hadn’t beaten me, it had made me stronger. She’s does something horrible to me, so I make a choice to make my life better.

And I realised, “I’m alright”. And then I met someone else, and 3 years on things are pretty good. I wish things hadn’t gone the way they did, but I wouldn’t be where I am now.

We’ve (virtually) all been there, people breakup, then they meet someone else. You both will. She’s less upset by it because she knew it was coming. She’s got rid of something that she didn’t necessarily want to get rid of, but she knew she couldn’t keep, and she’s done it when she wanted to. You’ve lost something you wanted, and lost it when she wanted to end it, not when you did. It’s always going to be tougher for you. But you’ll be okay. Keep busy. Do something different. Think of a sport/hobby, try to find a local group that does it, it’ll keep you busy and you’ll meet people. Or plan an adventure, do something scary, something that you’ve had rattling around in the back of your brain but have never had the chance/balls to do. I hear South America is lovely…. 😉

No words here can make you not feel that way bud, only time would heal that…only time. Just let yourself grieve, you will come around eventually and it doesnt matter when… I know its really painful even comparable to someone just nicked your bike while you’re in the toilet of your local trail centre on a saturday when there are many riders around and nobody notice. … Activities does help as everybody said..bcoz you cannot think sad and smash that techy downhill section of your local trail centre at the same time, or riding that big hill and be sad..it just wont work..so there you are 3-4 hours of not thinkng about it for a while.. Its for you to fill those other hours..but don’t forget to grieve..it is part of healing. .. So You look after yourself now. 😉 .. Remember again, time heals everything.

Without getting all Facebook about it, I <3 Bails’ post.

Self reliance, positive thinking and leaving people, places and things better than you found them – three good rules to live by, taught to me my an amazing man.

Oh, and don’t fall into the abyss of self pity.

I forgot.. I might add, the next time around.. Always remember.. In a relationship there is only 1 parachute. No matter what everybody says.

St Colin.

Went through the same thing 21 years ago, made redundant at the start of January, three weeks later fiance (wedding scheduled for 18 months later) decides to move home to her folks as things aren’t working. We had bought a place together (they were a lot cheaper then, 2.5 times combined salary).

We had a couple of dates, after a few months I moved out and let her take the place over.

Then she began seeing one of our friends, a married guy who left his wife & daughter for her. At that point I knew it was for the best, I was a little bitter for about 12 months, after all while we were supposedly working things out, I’d been on a 24 hour endurance event with him and poured my heart out to him.

I had a few cheap and meaningless flings, then met my wife a couple of years later. We met & married inside 13 months, it worked and we worked harder at it because we were married. I knew this was right when she agreed that a trip to the Alps with my friends would be acceptable a month before the wedding. (That’s not to say that marriage is always the answer, my brother married his long term GF after 9 years together and they didn’t see out another year, however he did the same thing a couple of flings and has now settled down with an absolute sweetheart). I’ve now got 2 kids, been married for almost 17 years & everything seems OK but who knows what’s around the corner?

My ex and friend married, had 2 kids, but sadly he died last year. I wished them no ill, way I looked it at (after a little time) was that I’d had a lucky escape. She’d had the bottle to say it wasn’t working for her (I was a bloke, I’d get some now and again, so the relationship was OK in my book). I also learnt that you can’t trust ALL your friends.

Carpe diem, seize the day my friend and make the most of the new opportunities open to you.

Hi all. Well time is doing it’s best at the moment.

I had been signed off work for a week, just back today, and I think I have come along way. Feeling much more positive, and I am getting stuck into using my spare time well. My fitness has actually come on since Christmas which is giving me some confidence back.

I can’t thank you all enough, it’s amazing what a bunch of strangers can do for you. Faith in humanity has been restored on several occasions.

Good stuff. Stay positive, get on with doing stuff you enjoy 🙂

*thumbs up*

keep going with the activities that make you feel positive now you’re back at work.

Well done st_colin. Keep going with the good work, fitness really will help, mentally and physically.

😀

Its putting all the bits of the jigsaw puzzle together that make you feel better but you’ll have to find them first – but you’ve already started!

You need your friends and your family stay in touch, keep active, plan for the future and has been said it grieve. Your brain treats a failed relationship like a sort of death so the process will take a while.

Good that your seeing things more positively, it’s a great opportunity to not only get back to where you were but make life better for yourself. Have some cool adventures and find out what you really want from life and your next relationship. That will all come when your ready.

Fitness is also a great way to feel good, happy times ahead!

I promise you that time will sort everything.

3 years ago I found out that my ex had been having an affair. Ultimately, I moved out (have 2 kids too who still live with their Mum). She moved her new man in – ouch at the time!

I spent a year with no real direction, did lots of stupid things and ‘had a laugh’ and meaningless encounters. None of it made me any happier, but it passed the time.

Then one day, I realised that I felt that I had turned a corner. I felt happy with me and started to realise that I had some great things in life.

Wasn’t looking to meet anyone, but once I had decided that I didn’t need to meet someone…I met someone. Our relationship is everything that I always wanted from a relationship, like properly head over heals.

Looking back, even though the split tore me apart at the time, I can now see that we were never really that happy and that there was always such pressure on me from her – nothing ever seemed good enough.

It will take a while, but I promise, time will cure all the pain. Keep yourself busy in the meantime and take time to remind yourself if the positive things in life.

Keep moving forwards.

Stu.

it’s amazing what a bunch of strangers can do for you.

*jokey arm punch* 😀

*sees faith in humanity restored a bit*

Quite apart from the various niche faction wars on here, it’s things like this that make me glad I come one here.

St. Colin, I’m really glad things are getting bette for you. Keep getting better, keep being positive!

Well as thought things have taken a turn for the worse.

The last few days have been awful. My ex has been in my head constantly. Whilst I have moved on in terms of accepting it is over and whatever, I just can’t stop thinking about her and how great she was. I need to let go but I can’t. How can I?

I don’t know if I can keep going, it’s just so painful for me.

how great she was

She wasn’t that great, she’s broken your heart hasn’t she? In fact, I’d say that makes her a right b***h. I think you need to talk to someone Colin, can you get referred from your GP for some talking therapy?

I have a CBT session tomorrow morning. But talking about this isn’t anything to do with CBT.

CBT should help you deal with the thoughts – good luck.

I’m with woody2000 – if she was *that* great you wouldn’t feel like you do now.

Focus on the things she used to do that irritated you…

Strangely I have been trying to think of the negatives, but the positives take over.

I haven’t exercised in a couple of days either, I know I should try and get out tonight.

I think if you’ve accepted that its over then you’ve made a big step.

You’re bound to have good days and bad days but try to get out there and do things with other people.

distraction distraction distraction

but as said above you do get crap days

4.5 yrs on from splitting up with my wife I can sometimes spend hours idealising about her

not good – you just let the thoughts go round and round then they go

or she picks / drops our son off and reverts to type and I say “ah that’s why”

no going back !

I guess you see what you have “lost” about her. But ask yourself if you ever really “have” another person?

The time, love and joy that people give is a gift and not a lifelong obligation. So what she gave you, you will always have. In time you will value that, without the regret and bitterness you feel now. I can’t assure you that all the regret will pass, but what little is left will be bearable and not get in your way.

It’s OK, healthy, to be sad and upset when there is cause, but not disproportionately. So try to distinguish between normal grieving activities, and the spiral-like thinking that characterises depression. Be busy and plan to be busy, to bypass the inactivity that allows negative-spiral thinking to emerge. Planning and doing what makes you happy, as often as practical, will make you happy. This is the essence of CBT.

And then you will find that happy people are attractive people.

Good luck

Thanks Buzz.

I do treasure the memories and I try to learn that I should do so. Yes, these feelings that make me anxious are not rational. Thoughts of her being with someone else for example. That is probably the worst of all.

I will try and discuss a plan at CBT in the morning. I have recently dipped my toe back into dating as a distraction which has helped in the very short term but it is just masking everything underneath.

Hi all.

Wasn’t sure whether or not updating this would be of interest to anyone. It’s now been 3 months for me and things have been good and bad. I still get bad days were I miss her terribly and I have days were everything is going well for me and I can let the thoughts pass by easily. I have been on the dating scene for over a month, however I found this to be a distraction for me initially and I actually felt worse. Nothing has really come of anything so far.

My depression has been difficult. I recently had a very bad spell where I was probably feeling strongest about suicide than I ever have been. My CBT has taken a back seat and my therapist is working on going back over my life to try and help me figure things out. It’s been a very tough process.

The positives are that I have managed to stay relatively active, although I have lost touch with my regular riding buddies because I maybe haven’t quite been feeling sociable at times.

I guess all in all I have survived and that’s the main thing.

Thanks for listening.

one foot in front of the other, keep going!

st colin – Member

although I have lost touch with my regular riding buddies because I maybe haven’t quite been feeling sociable at times.

I wouldn’t worry too much, when you’re ready just speak to them, explain the situation if neccessary, if they’re good mates they’ll understand, oh, then get them pi$$ed 🙂

It gets better, honest.

One of the guys in the group knows my situation, but I’m not sure that they maybe felt entirely comfortable about it. Hopefully as the weather improves i’ll see them more often.

Just get out and join your riding buddies, doesn’t matter if they understand or not – importantly, get back to something you previously enjoyed – a positive routine is not a bad thing.

All the best, you have an exciting life ahead of you, you just don’t know it yet 🙂

I,m missing someone from my life at the moment so I sort of know how you feel,i,m just doing as above,one foot in front of the other!!! And summer is around the corner so that’s a good thing :-).Good luck colin.

Wasn’t sure whether or not updating this would be of interest to anyone

Well be sure it is of interest to me. This is a community, most of us never meet and we can disagree and I for sure can be quite grumpy from time to time but I do care about the people who post on threads like these especially. One thought from me is get back into riding with your mates and socialising with them before the dating. I hope things get better for you.

St Colin – why do you think they are uncomfortable? Don’t forget that you are most likely feeling more sensitive to others too, so if they’ve had a bad day/wife strife or whatever it be just that. Please try to avoid feeling that people are always reacting to or reading you it won’t do you any good.
Chin up buddy! It does get better, having been there and seen that I promise it does get better.

but I’m not sure that they maybe felt entirely comfortable about it

Or they don’t want to mither/give you space. I’ve had a friend in a similar situation- I offered support/said I was there and left it at that as I didn’t want him to think I was interfering.

Dating scene/sites would scare me rigid. I imagine there are blokes who don’t type ‘ugly’ like I do and have better looks! I’d be rummaging around the bargain bin of the store if I went on them for sure 😀

I guess I think others maybe know little about depression so they don’t know what to say.

I guess I think others maybe know little about depression so they don’t know what to say.

Probably a lot of truth in this, they don’t want to say the wrong thing or even perhaps bring up the subject as they are afraid it will be difficult for them to discuss. It’s all about them rather than you, if you follow.

Well, hello again. This morning I’ve decided to update this thread in an attempt to get come clarity on what has been going on.

Recently I have been finding things very difficult. In the last week or so I have moved out of my parents into a rented room not far from where I’ve been living. I have been seeing a girl for a around a month. So a lot has been happening. But I can’t cope with it at the minute. The memories and the feelings from my breakup have been haunting me more and more since I have began seeing this girl. I have felt trapped at home with my parents so I moved out. The location of the new house is great, it’s quiet and the house has plenty of space. But I don’t feel comfortable there and I’ve only been there two nights. The house is really dirty too (not students), something that I couldn’t really pick up on when I viewed it a week previous.

Anyway, I could go on about everything, but I don’t want to bore people. I have lost my place at CBT after missing an appointment and not rebooking. So I don’t have any official support.

I really don’t know where to turn now. I can’t take time off work. I have been putting on a brave face with friends and family, arranging things etc. I’m not in control of my anxiety at all and I don’t feel like it’s getting better any time soon.

But I don’t feel comfortable there and I’ve only been there two nights.

It won’t. It’s the shock of the new. Give it time.

The house is really dirty too

Get your Marigolds out then. A few hours mindless busywork will keep you occupied on something constructive. It might make you feel like you’ve put your stamp on it when you are done, too.

Chin up; it gets better.

I’m not in control of my anxiety at all and I don’t feel like it’s getting better any time soon

You should see your GP – get the CBT rearranged and see if there is anything else that they can offer to help you regain control.

Yeah, def blitz the house. Something to focus on and will make it feel more like yours.