Had this sent to me 😁

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

BE AWARE …THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

I went to the supermarket today to stock up, I could see a couple of bread loaves still on the shelf but there was an old lady in front of me heading for them. I rushed past and grabbed them off the shelf before she could reach them. She didn’t say anything but looked away in disgust, so I was able to lean into her trolley and grab her milk and eggs too.

Just had a anxious call off my mate Fred. He says he can’t cope with working from home and feels like the room is shrinking around him.

He is a plasterer by trade!

A Doctor on TV says to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn’t finished… So I finished off a bottle of Merlot , a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of   Baileys , a butle of   wum ,  tha mainder   of Valiunum      scriptuns,     an a   box of chocletz . Yu  haf   no idr  how **** fablus I     feel rite now   .

Prince Charles is having to self isolate because of Covid-19.

Prince Andrew is having to self isolate because of Emily – 15.

Whoever said one person can’t change the world never ate an undercooked bat

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,

“There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:

“Are – my – test – results – back?”

It’s not just your hands you need to wash. How about your pets?

Who knows what diseases they are bringing into the house.

I got this tip from a reliable source:

My girlfriend just told me she’s downloaded a yoga app.

I said, “helpful that will be, yes.”

I was in Tesco earlier & I saw a guy buying a sombrero, a piñata & some paella. I thought to myself – Hispanic buying.

Giant pandas sending twelve hours a day eating.
So do quarentined humans.
This is wh it’s called a pandameic

If you decide to split up with your partner during lockdown, throw them out at 8pm on a Thursday so they get the idea that the whole street hates them, too…