I’ve been using toilet roll and washing my hands since way before it was fashionable. Can we have a coronavirus jokes thread?
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I was in the post office yesterday when two guys came in wearing masks, total panic!
Then one of them took out a gun and said ‘this is a robbery’ and we all calmed down again.
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A mate has been in hospital for an operation this week. The nurses said that when he was coming round from the anaesthetic he started singing songs by Bing Crosby, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.

They ran some tests and decided he has a case of Crooner Virus

Posted this already, but this is a better place for it

heard a great one from a colleague but you young people might well have seen it on the social already:

You think there’s a toilet roll shortage now? Wait ’til 3 million teenage boys have been at home on their own for a fortnight

The reason toilet rolls are out of stock is because every time anyone hears a cough they shit themselves

I went to the chemist today and asked the lady at the counter “what is the best thing for killing the corona virus.”
She said “ammonia cleaner.”
I said ” oh sorry, i though you worked here.”

Went to Starbucks the other day, the barista was wearing a facemask as she gave me my latte.

Noticing I looked concerned she said: “don’t worry love, it’s only a coughy filter.”

Chuck Norris has tested positive.

The virus is now in quarantine for 14 days.

In light of recent panic buying, UK supermarkets have introduced purchase limits.

Asda: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls max

Tesco: 1 hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls and 2 kg of rice

Co-op: 12 rolls toilet paperm 1 kg of rice

Aldi: 2 Trumpets, 1 diving suit and a MIG welder

Nick, you forgot:
Waitrose: 2 lobsters, 4 quails eggs, 1 case of Dom Perignon

I see Trumps been tested. Be funny if he’s infected by a virus from China with a Mexican name!

With the toilet roll shortage, perhaps now is a good time to learn to use the 3 seashells.

The World Health Organisation have confirmed that canines cannot carry or transmit coronavirus and have ordered that all animals currently being held in quarantine be realeased.
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WHO let the dogs out.

Up until recently I used to disguise a fart with a cough, nowadays I’m disguising a cough with a fart.

There’s a guy who’s just gone out and bought 27 new vehicles.

He’s got car owner virus.

Since everyone has started washing their hands, the peanuts in the pub have lost their taste.

How many Covid-19 carriers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It doesn’t matter, someone already bought all the lightbulbs.

WHO let the dogs out.

Splendid. Well done that man

That pun was not to be sneezed at.

In Scandinavia they call it the money virus

I got tested at one of those mobile places, it came up positive for the little-known R-mutation of the virus Corvid19. They said it was nothing to crow about.

What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?

One’s a corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.

I got tested at one of those mobile places, it came up positive for the little-known R-mutation of the virus Corvid19. They said it was nothing to crow about.

Careful there. If you spread it you could be guilty of attempted murder.

Do what Eric says

BREAKING CORONA VIRUS NEWS

It’s reported that the Scottish government is banning all gatherings of more than 5000 people.

As a result the benefits office in Airdrie will be closed until further notice.

Home games at Airdrie FC are unaffected.

We’ve run out of toilet paper so I’ve taken to wiping my bum with lettuce leaves. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Now we that everyone is washing their hands, has anyone noticed that the nuts on the bar at the pub taste different?

I’ve just got rid of all our old bottles of shampoo. They say it’s pre existing conditioner that’s killing everyone but you can’t be too careful.

Now that everyone is washing their hands, has anyone noticed that the nuts on the bar at the pub tasting different is being reported by lots of people who probably shouldn’t be going to pubs during a global epidemic?
Won’t somebody please think of the children oldies?

@maccruiskeen, @houns, love those two pics, really good work there! 🤣