[Closed] wife playing away...painful

Jesus!!!! how old are your kids?

You have to look after yourself first - why compromise you for her. Sorry but do what you need to do for you first. You love your kids so you will do whatever you can to then protect them but you won;t be able to do that if you are not looking out for yourself.
And don't leave, make her leave, get proof etc etc
And for the final time - protect yourself. See a solicitor ASAP - while the optimist in all of us likes to think these things can be done cleanly she is obviously lying to you so why would that change ?
Good luck and sorry you are in that position.

PS Get a bigger flat and or a second bedroom for the bikes.

She's the one who's playing away,kick her out & let her find a flat.

kids are 5, 12 and 15 years old...

I have seen a solictor and he predicts settlement of between 50-60% to her including my pension.

If she leaves I need to re-think my full time job commitments...but I know what you are saying.

I have proof...emails and evidence of a site she was using called illicit encounters!

bit hard to kick her out if you have kids - and they are at school age and she's the one that looks after them (for example) - relationship counciler would be my first step - as at least if nothing resolved it lays the basis for solicitors etc, the kids are the most important thing here, none of this is their fault and what ever happans you are the parents, where as you may go through 2 or 3 wives/husbands etc..... Even if the kids are young they pick up on this stuff and you have to try not to screw them up.

What price you not feeling like , and excuse the pun here, you are being shafted ?

Your life is a one hit show - you don;t get a re-run so please make yourself happy. Nobody should have to voluntarily put up with the sort of behaviour, you are worth more than that.

You'll manage and not only that you will get through it because nothing can be worse than the person you married lying to you.

Playing away what? Playstation 3? Playing with herself?

Having sex with another man or woman?

Don't say a thing, I know it's shattering-takes 2 to make a relationship work though so you're not innocent but she should not go running to someone else.

Now do what Colin states. If the bitch did it once you should have got rid of her.

Now do it wisely and make her seem unstable when you go to court so then you get the kids.

Put your money away like Jersey or somewhere the UK can't touch.

Stay strong!

I have seen a solictor and he predicts settlement of between 50-60% to her including my pension.

If she's playing away, and this is what your solicitor said, you need to get a better solicitor! Do not ignore your happiness, unless you can look after yourself you will be useless at looking after anyone else!

I know of 2 or 3 men that have had similar situations, and though it was painful and quite costly (though not as costly as 50-60% of everything), they ended up keeping the family home and getting primary custody of the kids in each situation.

One useful trick in each case was that they managed to get the house seriously undervalued, meaning that buying her out of her half was cheaper than it should have been in each instance. Getting a house valued properly costs money, so if you can get it done independently but get them to really undervalue it, she's probably not going to want to fork out cash from her own pocket to go and get it valued again, when it may well only get valued at the same low value again. Sneaky trick but well worth it!

Another quick trick, change the locks on the house whilst she's out. Then remove her belongings. She left you, you're well within your rights to insist she leave really.

Regarding the kids, it ain't gonna be easy of course! The likelihood is that the 15 year old will understand though, the 12 year old will understand fairly quickly, and the 5 year old is too young for it to really have much affect on yet. Whatever you do you must explain to them that whilst their mother and father don't get on at all any more, you would not try to get in their way of having a relationship with their mother, and you must not try to influence the way they feel about her. They will most likely feel quite let down by her for playing away from you anyway!

Most men lose out in cases like these by not standing their ground. Women are much more prepared to fight in these situations usually than men are, hence they often win even if they've been the ones to play away. Stand your ground, let her know she's the one that's at fault, and obviously let the courts know too! Prove you're a decent father, capable of looking after your children on your own if needs be, and you should be ok.

Unless there's anything you're not telling us?

Your life is a one hit show - you don;t get a re-run so please make yourself happy. Nobody should have to voluntarily put up with the sort of behaviour, you are worth more than that.

What he said!

Your kids are going to go through a period of unhappiness, but that's going to happen even if you tried to hide your failing marriage. In time they will respect you much better for standing your ground and kicking their mother out for shagging about. You MUST NOT try to influence any relationship they have with her though, or call her names or anything. She is their mother still, and loves them as much as you do despite the fact she doesn't love you any more. But that said she has wronged you so she should be the one to take her leave from the family home!

i couldn't agree more with mboy - however it pans out, you should never say an ill-word of the wife/mother infront of the kids. fight hard and don't be afraid to be ruthless! because you'll probably get the same treatment...

AAh, the brutal honesty and nonsense of interweb forums / fora....

I was five when my folks divorced - my dad was carrying on big time. My sister was two years older than me. First up; don't listen to anything you read here, or anywhere else online, unless you're paying for the advice.

Secondly; pay for some advice, from a trained professional. Thricely; (did you notice me making an ill-timed grammatical joke whilst your world falls apart around your ears?) I'm 35 and my folks' divorce didn't hit me too hard - I've had some problems but nothing time didn't solve, so look to yersel' first.

EDIT: kids are made of stern stuff and will recover from pretty much any much mental trauma - as has been said several times now - help yourself first, and the littl'uns after (just like you were in a plane crash!).

EDIT: kids are made of stern stuff and will recover from pretty much any much mental trauma - as has been said several times now - help yourself first, and the littl'uns after (just like you were in a plane crash!).

well that's your story - i was 7 when my mum's cheating broke up the family and i went off the rails - compleatly! was as good as gold before that - everyone is different - but DO have relationship counciling, not necessarily to get back together, but so that you can both have some advice on how to do what may be inevitable in a way that it appropriate for the kids.

That sounds awful aw - whatever you do, good luck pal

Personally, I found when trust has gone, thers not much left - get rid!

aw, is the relationship saveable?

I'm with mboy- if she is the guilty party why are you sacrificing your pension etc EQUALLY?

Push her down the stairs then shag her sister. Good luck with it all, it's not going to be easy but you need to do the right thing for you.

Family is such that (in Scotland at least) fault does not play a part in who gets custody - it's about the best interests of the kids. Thankfully financial provision is in theory straightforward here too.

Call me naive but...ss long as there are people as cynical as mboy around then there will be many truly hideous, damaging divorces. Some DO manage to sort it out amicably, avoid mountainous legal fees and nervous breakdowns etc.

[i]If she's playing away, and this is what your solicitor said, you need to get a better solicitor! [/i]

Sorry, but the financial settlement is not in any way affected by "who started it". Your chap is not wrong, however unfair that may seem.

Don't take any one elses advice on relationships, only you know what is right for you.

I feel for you

all the best

Pete

purely on a medical note, and not trying to be funny, get yourself checked at a G.U.M. clinic, who knows what the partners she's slept with are infected with, especailly if she's been using 'swinging' websites to hook up with them 🙁

I had a similar situation in 2000. Fortunately no kids involved. I agreed to live in separate rooms to the ex until the divorce was sorted but she couldn't stand the fact that I wouldn't argue with her. I just looked after myself and treated her like a house mate.

It nearly killed me to be pleasant, but I ended up agreeing our settlement without the need for solicitors. I didn't give anywhere near half as I pointed out that I'd go to court to fight that and we'd both end up with less cash due to solicitor's fees.

My advice is to get some advice on your rights from a solicitor but then try to agree everything between yourselves before having a solicitor make it more formal. You will save a fortune and avoid creating a lot of unneeded stress for you and your kids.

9 years down the line, I am now remarried and significantly happier than I have ever been. JnrI appeared last year and my old life is a distant memory.

Life will be lousy for a good while, but it sounds like you are better off out of an unloving relationship even if you see less of your kids. The alternative may be that she one day ups sticks with the kids leaving you with no choice. Do it on your terms whilst you can.

Aw, sounds awful and Im sorry for even mentioning this but have a DNA test carried out on your youngest discreetly. People just dont suddenly decide to visit websites/play around- the thought will have been there before.

Whatever you do, do it quick. Dont drag it out as that makes the pain last longer. My parents divorced and I was quite glad rather than put up with the arguments etc. Kids are not stupid - they know right from wrong and can read between the lines.

On the bright side, the value of houses is low, interest rates are low. You may be able to buy her out cheaper now than last year.

Check out Fathers for Justice, they may be able to recommend a suitable solicitor.

Aw, sounds awful and Im sorry for even mentioning this but have a DNA test carried out on your youngest discreetly.

Discreet DNA test!

Yep, just pop it around to one of those "DNA results whilst you wait" places!!!

Your stupidity never ceases to amaze Hora..

I thought the research showed that the effects on kids were much the same whether the parents divorced or "carried on for the sake of the children"

Myself I'd get her out of the house ASAP.

[i]BigDummy - Member
Sorry, but the financial settlement is not in any way affected by "who started it". Your chap is not wrong, however unfair that may seem.[/i]

This is 100% correct, even she admits Adultery it will not effect the settlement, and you will be doing very well if you get 40% of any equity.

Only remember that going through solicitor will cost you on avrage £160 an hour, £20 for a 2min telephone conversation and £16 to even open a letter. Try to get agreement between the two of you, and then when ready get solicitor to draft up documents.

I have been in your shoes fella so know how you feel, keep your head up and try and focus your attention on the kids, it was mine that helped me through it even though they didn't know it 🙂

Marriage Guidance or have an 'Open Marriage' - until kids over school etc..

You can get binding arbitration is both sides agree on that route. Much better as it costs very little to do

[i]Discreet DNA test!

Yep, just pop it around to one of those "DNA results whilst you wait" places!!!

Your stupidity never ceases to amaze Hora..[/i]

Use google, it'll educate you like school never did.

All I want to say is DON'T stay together for the sake of the kids it will just drag you down and you'll struggle to stay happy. I see lots of people in my job who are like that and they just spend all their time depressed.

Good luck though things wil get better over time.

get some legal advice, and kick her out. You only live once and life is too short to be some else's doormat.

Marriage Guidance or have an 'Open Marriage' - until kids over school etc..

DO NOT do this i dated a girl where the family was staying together until the youngest's 16th birthday, the kids found out about it and so, it was then openly discussed. what a present for him on his sixteenth!

most dysfunctional family i've ever met.

whatever you do... stay/go/kick her out, you'll probably find out in years to come the kids knew all about it. i figure they'd rather have two happy parents, even if they are seperated parents. I know I would have.

Don't know to comment on your situation inasmuch as how you must be feeling etc but I wouldn't stay together for the kids' sakes.

My folks broke up when I was pretty young, my mum, little bro and i moved back to a village in scotland (from kent) and she brought us up with help of her sis and mum. I only saw my dad once a month and i guess i did resent my mum for a long time but as you get older you realise how tough it must have been for her and you respect that decision. I also believe for her to stay in that relationship would have been detrimental, hard as it was breaking up was the best thing for them to do. For me as much as them.

Horses for courses but I wouldn't stay together for the kids, as said they prob know/will find out in due course.

Try talking to her, find out where she see's her life going, why she is doing what she does. Then you are in a better position to decide what you want.

f_ck her, move your pension offshore now. transfer a hefty part of it to another pension facility outside of the euro tax regime, you'll take a hit on it, but not 50%.

And start emptying the joint account and destroy any jointly held CC's/

Jeremy Kyle show?

Dip her best friend (female obviously) and let her know how it feels.........then kick her out.

Dont you just hate that cause she is the woman (even though she is in the wrong) that she will get half your money and probably the kids as well. Just no justice in this world!!!

AW its a brave and some may say foolish move to come on here and bare your soul but now you have the only advice I can give you is take your time, make your decisions sober and in light of the facts rather than opinions. Ignore all the aggressive, childish replies on this thread. A lot of the replies on here suggest the posters are dumber than George Bush and about as tactful.

What ever decision you make I hope you and your kids come out of it ok, best of luck and keep riding, its still one of the best stress busters going.

I'll make her dissapear for the cost of a suer bling Whyte Titanium.

It is indeed brave of you to post on here, but sort the wheat from the chaff, & you have a good starting point.
Keep positive, getting down will help no one, not least yourself.

I have no idea what I would do in your situation, my head tells me I would just up & leave knowing I'd get shafted in court anyway, but my heart tells me I would just stay for the kids.

Either way its a tough call, I hate to say it, but I'm glad its not me.

Best of luck mate, & if you need a release then organise a ride, I'd come.
Cheers.

Swallow your male pride. FFS, the reason why alot of relationships endure and last is not down to trust, its down to understanding people change over the years, understanding this and adapting/talking. Its not always blokes who get the itch you know, girls do too. A guy gets the itch, does it mean he wants out a relationship? No. Sometimes its because hes in a certain place and wants 'me-time', reassurance that he is still attractive and attention. Your partner has had 3 children, possibly she examines her figure too much and is looking for some me-time and attention? Just for the rush, that giddy feeling again? Don't knee-jerk, talk to her. swallow your pride and talk, think can it work? Do you need to adjust your boundaries slightly? Talk, not follow the anglo-christian model of break up and seek retribution as its seen as the done thing in out society.

Think of the bikes!!! Well hope you are and everything else will be sorted

Its always amazed me that the pain & suffering caused by a cheating partner cannot be seen as assault. Breaking my leg was nowhere near as painful as finding out that my ex-ex-ex missus screwed several ****ers behind my back.

Seriously though, sorry to hear of your situation mate. My mate has gone through this over the last year or two & while we can all be full of good advice etc, sometimes what's needed more than most is just someone to listen. Its all too easy, from the comfort of a stable marriage / relationship, to advise someone to chuck in the towel & petition for a divorce. You'll sort it out in a way that suits you, & part of that might mean confronting why she has done this. It's all well & good throwing in the towel but at the very least take time out to examine the possibility of saving your marriage...?

If your totally certain your marriage cannot be saved than try your best to stay amicable because sollicitors are (mostly) financial parasites who love nothing more than the emotional wrench of a divorce to fleece both parties of cash.

Just trying to offer a balance to the "Ahhh, chuck the bitch out" responses.
Good luck mate.
PT

Thanks for all the advice...someone said brave to post on here (probably stupid) but I think you do illogical things sometimes when you are under stress.

Saying that I do appreciate all the comments and advice.

I have recently discovered more stuff (evidence) that there is a current one (affair) so sort of made my mind up.

Regards

Andy

Good luck Andy, feel for you buddy.
Life goes on though, no matter how shitty it seems at the time, and always seems to turn out OK in the end. You just gotta stick with it.......
good luck.
Sounds to me like the n+1carbon bike rules applies to Andy in this situation.....

Hope you get sorted aw.

what Hora said, talk to her, don't give in to societies convention. I hope it works out for you mate.

of course, the risk involved in talking to her to see why she's doing this is that you could end up just being a doormat, letting her do what she wants in the (probably) vain hope that you may salvage a future with her... that's kind of where i am at the moment, and although there's no kids involved i still feel like crap every single day knowing that she's going on dates and enjoying herself while i'm cast aside (it's left me with seriously low self-esteem, i really cannot see what i have to offer anyone at all these days)...

xherbovorex: get out. You deserve better, mate. If she's like that then she's not worthy of being your partner.

xherbivorex, seriously why are u still there bud, i dont know your circumstances but life is for living. If things go wrong and are unfixable then u have to be strong and move on, its the only way you will be happy. good luch to you both guys

In Nov 2007 i split with my fiancee, not my idea!
After several weeks of talking she agreed to give it another go. This led to me tiptoeing around her, accepting all her little foibles & going without any form of sexual contact because she didn't feel like 'it'.
Without warning almost a yr to the day later she upped & left because she didn't love me.
Hurt like a bar-steward to be frank & i came very, very close to doing something extremely stupid & VERY final.
5 months down the line she is seeing someone else i believe - & so am i.
I've had more sexual fun in the last 2 months than i had in the last 6yrs with my ex-fiancee.
Ok, sex isn't the be all & end all but if it's not there then there really is nothing left.
xherbivorex - get out & stay out. You are worth infinitely more than that horrible situation, believe me for i was there around Xmas/New Year.
It feels like you are worthless & no-one will ever want you so you stick with what you have. Thing is mate, you DON'T HAVE ANYTHING WORTH KEEPING.
Sorry for shouting but you know it's the truth.

I always sneered at the term 'depression' but since being diagnosed & recieving medication my life is a LOT easier & once you have given yourself space & time in which to think you will see where your life was going wrong.

Kick her out or get out yourself, see your Doc & get help. It's not something to be ashamed off.

Good luck bloke.

to everyone - best wishes...

to xherbiex...come on mate, as above - get out. You deserve better than that. really. Think of how you live your life, how you do the right thing with the straitedge thing...you really do not deserve to be ****ed around. If you ever want a slightly disapointing ride round the midlands area - drop me a line buddy.

Hope you sort matters out, all I would add is that monet doesnt buy happiness. Look to why your misses has done what she has.....five bikes more attention than one wife?
If nothing else once you have sorted the matter out hopefull the same thing wont happen to you again.

Monet doesn't buy happiness but Giacometti is as near as damin it.

ah, you've misunderstood me a little... she moved out a couple of months ago and we aren't together, BUT she told me (and tells me) it was because she didn't want to be with anyone and that we may still have something in the future. but i know that part of this isn't true, so i suspect that none of it is and she is only saying it for an easy life for her... trouble is, we have the same friends and to be honest she and i are still friends too (we still ride together every week or so)...
it's a nightmare because when you're 40+ and you're vegan, don't drink or smoke and play on big kids bikes for fun then most other people think you're a complete weirdo so i suspect that unless i compromise my beliefs (which isn't going to happen), then that's me done...

xherbivorex

Get on dating sites - presentable men that are not too old and are not too weird and don't have kids / too much baggage are in very short supply. seriously - I know 2 or 3 men that this has worked for - now happily married.

I think someone's knicked hora's ID. That's the most sensible thing posted on here.

Do you still love her and want it to work again? Talk to her.

Hora, I salute you! Well put, really.

AW was very brave posting up- sometimes I stop acting a dick online when this happens.

xherbivorex

you're 40+ and you're vegan, don't drink or smoke and play on big kids bikes for fun then most other people think you're a complete weirdo

So xherbivorex let me get this straight:

You don't get smashed out of your brain and act like a d*ck.
You don't get skinned up and act like a d*ck.
You're a vegan Iyou are difficult to cook for you know, I've got a mate like that!) which means you value life.
You're 40+ - you are mature.
You like playing on bikes - you still have a fun side.

F*cking hell man, what is *NOT* to like for a woman? Stop putting yourself down. Kick her into touch. She may be somewhere else but she's USING YOU as an end-stop. Get on the interweb thing, at least three of my mates have met their wives through that!

Christ man, if I weren't married to my bloke I'd be after you like a shot*!

* - for the humour impaired, yes I know he's straight and therefore not interested.
- for the humour impaired who understand the internet: 😀

Communication! Talk to her, you must talk to decide whether you can work through this. Why has it happened? What has changed? You need answers to enable you to move forward, with or without her.

As for this online dating stuff, can emotions be so easily turned off and on?

Junkyard, I was thinking the same. Surely there are shedloads more veggie ladies to men? One thing that is universal, women don't like a guy who thinks the world has beaten him or is out to get him. Girls like positivity whether they like 'meat' in them or not (s****s).

Plus you live in the ideal location. Stop beating yourself up. Sheesh I still miss my ex and Im often moved to poetry thinking about her but shes the past. The memories are dear and very fond. 🙂

....Im often moved to poetry thinking about her....

I'm so loving this new sensitive hora. Hows about you post some of this poetry up then mate?

Not mine but one line is particularly poyant(sp) for me...[i]I remember nothing but her sweet, vehement and bewilldering kiss[/i]

AW, you are quiet. All ok?

Hora, you're talking sense again. I think the majrity are either still drunk OR in awe of your very self.
BTW When I was ditched by one of my ex's I spent several months reading Wilfried Owen' and Siegfried Sasoon's WW1 poetry whilst listening to "...And Justice for All...", clearly you aren't alone doing unusual things when life goes all poo.

My ex got into dogging, car park sex, you name it. Not that I knew of course. She had suggested swinging to me, but I didn't like the idea of that, I suppose that was when she went looking elsewhere. I knew she went in chat rooms, I knew she did the cyber stuff, I wasn't happy but I had everything to lose, the house, the kids, her, so I stayed. At least I got to ride my bike when I wanted whilst half of chesterfield got to ride a different kind of bike.
One day of course the worst happened, she met someone who convinced her that I was a no good, lowlife shite and that she would be better off with him, his big house in the country, the horses and half my pension. So she left, and he shat himself in case his wife found out.
I tried to be reasonable, did what was best for the kids, did all the noble ex stuff, like fix her car, do the lights in her new bathroom, gave money when it was needed. And I got screwed, royally, lost £70k out of the deal and 1/3 of my pension. Came out of 18 years of marriage with 12k to my name, started at the bottom of the property ladder at 40 years old and all because I thought I had a duty. I have suffered on and off with psychological problems ever since and not been very good at relationships. I find trust a very difficult ability to master.
So the upshot is. You wake up with yourself every morning, ypu look in the mirror, that is one person you should never lie to. If you aren't happy with the situation, then you have to change it or you will never find happiness. Your first duty is to you, be hard, don't give anything away, money, house; nothing. Yes the kids will find it hard, and things will be different. Yes she'll get 50% of your pension, for the time you were married (not the total time you have had the pension). She'll get 50% of the proceeds from the house sale and the CSA will royally butt f you if they get the chance.

My experience is that solicitors seem to side with the female, mine did. So find one that won't
Make an arrangement for maintenance and get it filed with the CSA. They'll leave you alone if you keep paying it and it'll be cheaper than letting them pluck a figure out of their heads.
Do not hand cash over ever and get receipts for the things she says she has bought for the kids.
Do not put your life on hold so that she can have hers, put yourself first.
No matter what, the sun comes up every morning and the gaping gap in your life gets smaller as each day passes.
Oh and finally do her best mate, I did. They hate that!!!

I can't give any emotional type advice on how to deal with the personal side of things, but I have always found the looking forward view better than the rearward view when dealing with bad situations.

What I mean is that this is a chance for you to embark on a major change to your life. Emigrate, travel, cycle round the world. There's nothing holding you back if you want to do it. Possessions and relationships are chains that hold you down. (When that's where you want to be, then it's good)

About the best advice I can offer is to liquidate/sell all shared assets and then divvy up the proceeds. Don't be sucked into buying out her share and getting deep into debt to do it, because then you will be chained down to your new masters at the bank.

Cash (or lack of debt) gives you freedom and that's something few of us in our middle years get a chance to enjoy.

Whatever you do, good luck.

[i]be hard, don't give anything away, money, house[/i]

No I say the opposite. Its only money, money can be remade. Your children will be scarred for life by the struggle of one upmanship.

Sorry I also know from experience. Its not always the 'wimin' who are the aggressers you know.

hora - Member

Junkyard, I was thinking the same. Surely there are shedloads more veggie ladies to men? One thing that is universal, women don't like a guy who thinks the world has beaten him or is out to get him. Girls like positivity whether they like 'meat' in them or not (s****s).

Plus you live in the ideal location. Stop beating yourself up. Sheesh I still miss my ex and Im often moved to poetry thinking about her but shes the past. The memories are dear and very fond.

you'd think, wouldn't you?
well, it seems not. i really don't know what i did (or am doing) wrong. but it seems i'm just not someone that ladies want to get to know. and right now, it's tearing me apart.
i fully expect to get a slagging off or whatever on here, but i really don't have anybody i can talk to about this stuff and i feel pretty much as low as i ever have done.
**** this life. seriously.

xherbivorex

Get on the internet dating thing - they will be falling over you. Presentable men of your sort of age are in short supply. They either have kids or are cads or both

pain is a emotion, emotions are good.

split up with the girlfriend about a month and a half ago and i couldnt see how life would ever possiably be the same and didnt know how i was going to make it throught, there was some extreamly tought times ( and still are) but the main thing is to work through them and keep on telling yourself that things will get better, because they do !!

it takes time but just do your best to stay positive because there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, best of luck, my thorts are with you

xherbivorex

My other suggestion would be to go and get some counselling - you seem to be stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts.

Xherbi' I remember your original post on your relationship breakdown a few months back, and just read your last one. Ive been in the situation a few times (it must be me :-)) But one thing I have learned is dont rush out and try and find someone new-or even worse, worry about being single- its a good life!
And as some one said earlier (and my own philosophy) you have got to be true to your-self
Good luck all!

Get on the internet dating thing - they will be falling over you. Presentable men of your sort of age are in short supply. They either have kids or are cads or both

Still, being single means I've bought two new bikes this year and can ride them whenever and wherever I like 😀

muddydwarf, good to hear your update, was wondering about how you were getting on the other week.

xherbivorex no is going to slag you off. We are actually hoping you become abit of a slag 😉

Seriously though, as TJ says it does sound like you have ground yourself down abit.
Get online, there are many many websites out there and match will probably be up your street. A friend of mine went on there looking for pure carnal casual sex and all he found were girls looking for sheer romance 😐