[Closed] wife playing away...painful

Thanks for all the advice...someone said brave to post on here (probably stupid) but I think you do illogical things sometimes when you are under stress.

Saying that I do appreciate all the comments and advice.

I have recently discovered more stuff (evidence) that there is a current one (affair) so sort of made my mind up.

Regards

Andy

Good luck Andy, feel for you buddy.
Life goes on though, no matter how shitty it seems at the time, and always seems to turn out OK in the end. You just gotta stick with it.......
good luck.
Sounds to me like the n+1carbon bike rules applies to Andy in this situation.....

Hope you get sorted aw.

what Hora said, talk to her, don't give in to societies convention. I hope it works out for you mate.

of course, the risk involved in talking to her to see why she's doing this is that you could end up just being a doormat, letting her do what she wants in the (probably) vain hope that you may salvage a future with her... that's kind of where i am at the moment, and although there's no kids involved i still feel like crap every single day knowing that she's going on dates and enjoying herself while i'm cast aside (it's left me with seriously low self-esteem, i really cannot see what i have to offer anyone at all these days)...

xherbovorex: get out. You deserve better, mate. If she's like that then she's not worthy of being your partner.

xherbivorex, seriously why are u still there bud, i dont know your circumstances but life is for living. If things go wrong and are unfixable then u have to be strong and move on, its the only way you will be happy. good luch to you both guys

In Nov 2007 i split with my fiancee, not my idea!
After several weeks of talking she agreed to give it another go. This led to me tiptoeing around her, accepting all her little foibles & going without any form of sexual contact because she didn't feel like 'it'.
Without warning almost a yr to the day later she upped & left because she didn't love me.
Hurt like a bar-steward to be frank & i came very, very close to doing something extremely stupid & VERY final.
5 months down the line she is seeing someone else i believe - & so am i.
I've had more sexual fun in the last 2 months than i had in the last 6yrs with my ex-fiancee.
Ok, sex isn't the be all & end all but if it's not there then there really is nothing left.
xherbivorex - get out & stay out. You are worth infinitely more than that horrible situation, believe me for i was there around Xmas/New Year.
It feels like you are worthless & no-one will ever want you so you stick with what you have. Thing is mate, you DON'T HAVE ANYTHING WORTH KEEPING.
Sorry for shouting but you know it's the truth.

I always sneered at the term 'depression' but since being diagnosed & recieving medication my life is a LOT easier & once you have given yourself space & time in which to think you will see where your life was going wrong.

Kick her out or get out yourself, see your Doc & get help. It's not something to be ashamed off.

Good luck bloke.

to everyone - best wishes...

to xherbiex...come on mate, as above - get out. You deserve better than that. really. Think of how you live your life, how you do the right thing with the straitedge thing...you really do not deserve to be ****ed around. If you ever want a slightly disapointing ride round the midlands area - drop me a line buddy.

Hope you sort matters out, all I would add is that monet doesnt buy happiness. Look to why your misses has done what she has.....five bikes more attention than one wife?
If nothing else once you have sorted the matter out hopefull the same thing wont happen to you again.

Monet doesn't buy happiness but Giacometti is as near as damin it.

ah, you've misunderstood me a little... she moved out a couple of months ago and we aren't together, BUT she told me (and tells me) it was because she didn't want to be with anyone and that we may still have something in the future. but i know that part of this isn't true, so i suspect that none of it is and she is only saying it for an easy life for her... trouble is, we have the same friends and to be honest she and i are still friends too (we still ride together every week or so)...
it's a nightmare because when you're 40+ and you're vegan, don't drink or smoke and play on big kids bikes for fun then most other people think you're a complete weirdo so i suspect that unless i compromise my beliefs (which isn't going to happen), then that's me done...

xherbivorex

Get on dating sites - presentable men that are not too old and are not too weird and don't have kids / too much baggage are in very short supply. seriously - I know 2 or 3 men that this has worked for - now happily married.

I think someone's knicked hora's ID. That's the most sensible thing posted on here.

Do you still love her and want it to work again? Talk to her.

Hora, I salute you! Well put, really.

AW was very brave posting up- sometimes I stop acting a dick online when this happens.

xherbivorex

you're 40+ and you're vegan, don't drink or smoke and play on big kids bikes for fun then most other people think you're a complete weirdo

So xherbivorex let me get this straight:

You don't get smashed out of your brain and act like a d*ck.
You don't get skinned up and act like a d*ck.
You're a vegan Iyou are difficult to cook for you know, I've got a mate like that!) which means you value life.
You're 40+ - you are mature.
You like playing on bikes - you still have a fun side.

F*cking hell man, what is *NOT* to like for a woman? Stop putting yourself down. Kick her into touch. She may be somewhere else but she's USING YOU as an end-stop. Get on the interweb thing, at least three of my mates have met their wives through that!

Christ man, if I weren't married to my bloke I'd be after you like a shot*!

* - for the humour impaired, yes I know he's straight and therefore not interested.
- for the humour impaired who understand the internet: 😀

Communication! Talk to her, you must talk to decide whether you can work through this. Why has it happened? What has changed? You need answers to enable you to move forward, with or without her.

As for this online dating stuff, can emotions be so easily turned off and on?

Junkyard, I was thinking the same. Surely there are shedloads more veggie ladies to men? One thing that is universal, women don't like a guy who thinks the world has beaten him or is out to get him. Girls like positivity whether they like 'meat' in them or not (s****s).

Plus you live in the ideal location. Stop beating yourself up. Sheesh I still miss my ex and Im often moved to poetry thinking about her but shes the past. The memories are dear and very fond. 🙂

....Im often moved to poetry thinking about her....

I'm so loving this new sensitive hora. Hows about you post some of this poetry up then mate?

Not mine but one line is particularly poyant(sp) for me...[i]I remember nothing but her sweet, vehement and bewilldering kiss[/i]

AW, you are quiet. All ok?

Hora, you're talking sense again. I think the majrity are either still drunk OR in awe of your very self.
BTW When I was ditched by one of my ex's I spent several months reading Wilfried Owen' and Siegfried Sasoon's WW1 poetry whilst listening to "...And Justice for All...", clearly you aren't alone doing unusual things when life goes all poo.

My ex got into dogging, car park sex, you name it. Not that I knew of course. She had suggested swinging to me, but I didn't like the idea of that, I suppose that was when she went looking elsewhere. I knew she went in chat rooms, I knew she did the cyber stuff, I wasn't happy but I had everything to lose, the house, the kids, her, so I stayed. At least I got to ride my bike when I wanted whilst half of chesterfield got to ride a different kind of bike.
One day of course the worst happened, she met someone who convinced her that I was a no good, lowlife shite and that she would be better off with him, his big house in the country, the horses and half my pension. So she left, and he shat himself in case his wife found out.
I tried to be reasonable, did what was best for the kids, did all the noble ex stuff, like fix her car, do the lights in her new bathroom, gave money when it was needed. And I got screwed, royally, lost £70k out of the deal and 1/3 of my pension. Came out of 18 years of marriage with 12k to my name, started at the bottom of the property ladder at 40 years old and all because I thought I had a duty. I have suffered on and off with psychological problems ever since and not been very good at relationships. I find trust a very difficult ability to master.
So the upshot is. You wake up with yourself every morning, ypu look in the mirror, that is one person you should never lie to. If you aren't happy with the situation, then you have to change it or you will never find happiness. Your first duty is to you, be hard, don't give anything away, money, house; nothing. Yes the kids will find it hard, and things will be different. Yes she'll get 50% of your pension, for the time you were married (not the total time you have had the pension). She'll get 50% of the proceeds from the house sale and the CSA will royally butt f you if they get the chance.

My experience is that solicitors seem to side with the female, mine did. So find one that won't
Make an arrangement for maintenance and get it filed with the CSA. They'll leave you alone if you keep paying it and it'll be cheaper than letting them pluck a figure out of their heads.
Do not hand cash over ever and get receipts for the things she says she has bought for the kids.
Do not put your life on hold so that she can have hers, put yourself first.
No matter what, the sun comes up every morning and the gaping gap in your life gets smaller as each day passes.
Oh and finally do her best mate, I did. They hate that!!!

I can't give any emotional type advice on how to deal with the personal side of things, but I have always found the looking forward view better than the rearward view when dealing with bad situations.

What I mean is that this is a chance for you to embark on a major change to your life. Emigrate, travel, cycle round the world. There's nothing holding you back if you want to do it. Possessions and relationships are chains that hold you down. (When that's where you want to be, then it's good)

About the best advice I can offer is to liquidate/sell all shared assets and then divvy up the proceeds. Don't be sucked into buying out her share and getting deep into debt to do it, because then you will be chained down to your new masters at the bank.

Cash (or lack of debt) gives you freedom and that's something few of us in our middle years get a chance to enjoy.

Whatever you do, good luck.

[i]be hard, don't give anything away, money, house[/i]

No I say the opposite. Its only money, money can be remade. Your children will be scarred for life by the struggle of one upmanship.

Sorry I also know from experience. Its not always the 'wimin' who are the aggressers you know.

hora - Member

Junkyard, I was thinking the same. Surely there are shedloads more veggie ladies to men? One thing that is universal, women don't like a guy who thinks the world has beaten him or is out to get him. Girls like positivity whether they like 'meat' in them or not (s****s).

Plus you live in the ideal location. Stop beating yourself up. Sheesh I still miss my ex and Im often moved to poetry thinking about her but shes the past. The memories are dear and very fond.

you'd think, wouldn't you?
well, it seems not. i really don't know what i did (or am doing) wrong. but it seems i'm just not someone that ladies want to get to know. and right now, it's tearing me apart.
i fully expect to get a slagging off or whatever on here, but i really don't have anybody i can talk to about this stuff and i feel pretty much as low as i ever have done.
**** this life. seriously.

xherbivorex

Get on the internet dating thing - they will be falling over you. Presentable men of your sort of age are in short supply. They either have kids or are cads or both

pain is a emotion, emotions are good.

split up with the girlfriend about a month and a half ago and i couldnt see how life would ever possiably be the same and didnt know how i was going to make it throught, there was some extreamly tought times ( and still are) but the main thing is to work through them and keep on telling yourself that things will get better, because they do !!

it takes time but just do your best to stay positive because there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, best of luck, my thorts are with you

xherbivorex

My other suggestion would be to go and get some counselling - you seem to be stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts.

Xherbi' I remember your original post on your relationship breakdown a few months back, and just read your last one. Ive been in the situation a few times (it must be me :-)) But one thing I have learned is dont rush out and try and find someone new-or even worse, worry about being single- its a good life!
And as some one said earlier (and my own philosophy) you have got to be true to your-self
Good luck all!

Get on the internet dating thing - they will be falling over you. Presentable men of your sort of age are in short supply. They either have kids or are cads or both

Still, being single means I've bought two new bikes this year and can ride them whenever and wherever I like 😀

muddydwarf, good to hear your update, was wondering about how you were getting on the other week.

xherbivorex no is going to slag you off. We are actually hoping you become abit of a slag 😉

Seriously though, as TJ says it does sound like you have ground yourself down abit.
Get online, there are many many websites out there and match will probably be up your street. A friend of mine went on there looking for pure carnal casual sex and all he found were girls looking for sheer romance 😐

xherbivorex - sounds like a bad position. Someone once posted something on here along the lines of "I need space means ....." and the expanations were all absolutely bang on.
Basically you are now her security blanket until such a time as she wants to let go leaving you holding a thread. F u c k that my friend.
Before you can even do anything you need to be comfortable with yourself over all others. I know, sounds a bit "7 habits for highly patronising ****s on the internet" but its true and it took me a harsh lesson i nexactly what you are doing to get it through my brain. Years of it in fact. Anyhoo, i decided that as life is not a dress rehearsal for something 'better' I should get off my chuff and make sure I was happy in me as a person and what I do. I got some counselling and help to set me on the way (just a couple of sessions) and that was like an epiphany. Theres no stigma to any of this, why should there be ? Just cos we are blokes we feel and hurt and have all the same insecurities as ladies do. Just we bottle it up and pretend its not real because we are 'men'. Once more f u c k that. Do yourself a big favour, seek some professional help to at least get your head in the right place, do not spend time with your ex. Why should you ? Yes i'm sure she is a lovely person and a great 'friend' at the moment. But that will change don;t kid yourself. In time you may be friends again. But right now she is playing you for all she can to mask her emotional distress and insecurity. Please, for yourself, go and find out what it is about you that you need to find because trust me I was scared/angry/depressed and now am pretty much 100% happy with the choices and decisions I have made. I got married a month ago and really quite honestly, its been the most awesome journey.

[i]now thinking of divorce or separation but worried about the devastating effect on the kids.[/i]

Yep, it'll mess with their heads, it did with mine, but TBH, staying together "for the sake of the kids" is a shitter, my parents tried this, and from a child's POV (mine) it was incredibly stressful, the day my Dad told me that Mum had finally gone...The relief was amazing. We went from a outwardly happy nuclear family of 4, to Mum walking out, brother going to Uni, Dad going to the pub, me (15) trying to keep every-one talking. Even now, at 41 I'm still doing that role. Yes Divorce is crap, but as long as every-one talks, and is included, it doesn't necessarily have to be.

[i]Do I carry on regardless and ignore my needs or happiness for the kids sake or make the split and hope I survive and they are ok out the other side?[/i]

Split. My parents went from stress-bunnies to almost normal human beings, and they both became better people for it. Now, it took my Dad a while to get this, but even he did eventually. Keep talking. Don't let the kids take sides, even though my Dad was pretty bitter, he still drove me to see my Mum, and let her come over to see me. They even managed to be polite for most of the time.

If it's dead, leave it...