[Closed] What is it with me?

Seems pretty natural to me. I think you always have one parent that you're much closer to.

don't beat yourself up over it, that said its probably worth having a try at getting on with him whilst you can?

Perhaps you have built up a psycological barrier to him due to the aformentioned shortcomings in your relationship with him?

If thats how you feel then so be it, I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself. You may howevr suffer guilt and remorse when he does die but then it will be too late so try to get as reconciled to him as you can while you can. He may have had issue of his own that made him a less than great father. Trouble at work, unhappy about something who knows.

Because it hasn't sunk in yet and you don't quite believe it ?

mr nutt makes a lot of sense,i,d try that if it was me.

Both wifes parents died of cancer. She has yet to shed a tear even after 5yrs. Seems things were not a happy lot 😕
Mine are now 79 and failing so I am unsure of how things might be with me.
Maybe similar re my dad but mum ❓

He may change in the coming weeks and finally need you. However I think Mr Nutt is correct.
Then when he has passed away you cannot say you didn't try.

Thanks for all the above.

I do get on with him and we've never fallen out but as we've nothing in common conversations only seem to last 10 minutes before we run out of things to talk about.

I guess it's because he was a strict prison officer he must have brought his work home with him.

yep id try again with him..... otherwise you will feel even more guilty for 'not trying' when he has passed away ! then its too late...

Everyone deals with things differently. You don't have to follow the (five?) stages of grief. Do what you do. As has been said try and help him or spend a little time with him if you can, or be there for other friends or family who deal with it harder.

All the best

roper

A few weeks before my Father died. I went round to his house and we sat together in silence just looking through old photo albums. You don't always need words.

So you think your Dads a miserable git..

Well, I really hope you snap out of it and don't become your 'Dad' to your children..

Cheers neverfastenuff.

I don't have/want kids to be a miserable git to anyway.

John, make the most of your time together now mate as you don't want to feel bad for any reasons after he's gone.

chin up fella

it sounds like you and your dad had a fairly normal relationship. didn't get on great, nor particularly poorly. not saying it wasn't what it could've been but hey.

you've not shed a tear yet. he's still alive, it's not happened yet but when it does it will change the way you feel. but you might still not shed a tear...

your feelings are what your feelings are, and they are liable to change wildly, you can't beat yourself up about them.

my mum died of cancer 5 years ago, and the disease was in and out of her life for the previous 3-4 yrs. in that time i've had a very emotional 15 minutes within a week after she died, lots of numb feeling times, a very few slightly hysterical happy thoughts, and a couple of chokey thoughts (her first grandaughter etc) not a lot considering we had a great relationship and i still miss her. however its just the way i am and the way i've felt. nowt i can do about it.

my advice would be enjoy the relationship you've got while you can.
but don't beat yourself up about how your feeling and expect a lot of mood swings.

Why was your father always working, was he in a job that he didn't actually like but had to work long hours to provide for his family? Its no excuse for neglecting his children etc but there are always two sides to every story. Why don't you ask him why he was a miserable g!t, you both have nothing to lose and everything to gain if you can resolve some of your feelings.

Good luck whatever happens.

Why don't you ask him why he was a miserable g!t

Just talking to a work colleagues cousin re work colleague being same, miserable as his father was 🙄

Sorry - Trekster but I'm not in the slightest bit miserable in my approach to life, he made me that way because I never wanted to be like him.
So, I suppose I have something to thank him for.

Update - I cried like a baby for the first time today when we moved Dad on his last journey from his hospital ward to a nearby hospice after the doctors and specialists have withdrawing all "active treatment".

The unknown infection he's now got hasn't cleared up with the use of antibiotics and even if they did work the growing stomach, liver and now pancreatic cancer will kill him.

So much for the 3 to 6 months, the first post was 3 weeks ago 😥

My dad was diagnosed with Lung Cancer on November 1st 2008 given 6 months to a year but died at 6.20 on Christmas Eve.

Bloody miserable sod but I do miss him sometimes. I think a few blokes of his generation had a lot of shite to put up with and maybe resented the easy life subsequent generations had.

Chin up fella, better to go quick than have a protracted painful illness I reckon, make your peace with him while you can.

"make your peace with him while you can"

Sorted

Sorry about the grim news John 🙁

I suggested three weeks ago that perhaps it hadn't sunk in yet and that you couldn't quite believe it. It sounds as if it might have hit you now. Just try and spend time with him for the remaining days he has in this world. Try and make him as comfortable as you can. Afterwards you will feel that you did what you could for him.

That's what I did when my father was on his death bed. I held his last glass of red wine and his last cigarette to his lips when he was far too weak to hold them. And yes, he too was a miserable git who made life very difficult for me. But he was my father. That was 17 years ago and I still really miss the old bugger.

Take time off work if you have to. This is precious time you can never get back.
Just be with him. Ask him questions. If you can bear it tell him you love him, do it in a jokey way if needs be.

I wish you "Bon Courage" JohnClimber.

Bunnyhop - I did seek (professional) advise on whether I should tell my father that I loved him when it was clear that he only had hours left to live. I was advised only to act and talk to him as I normally would. And any stuff like that which wasn't how I would normally to talk to him, would just add stress for him.

John, my dad passed away in April and I was shocked by the force of my grief, I just couldn't stop crying. Sometimes we mourn more for what we didn't have.

You can only regret what you didn't do when he has gone so don't let yourself. I miss my dad terribly after losing him in January.

Thanks all.

Off down to see him again now and will stay until the end.

John I know this probably won't be much comfort but for all your sakes the sooner his pain is over the better.
My father died nearly 11 years ago of cancer and it was a horrible lingering death. It really tore me apart seeing him suffer so much, christ I'm even welling up as I type.

Probably worse for me as he really was like a best mate & I still miss the old fool every day.

At least you have made peace with him & I can confirm that you are not a miserable git John, TBH your one of the most irritatingly chipper people I know.

Good luck mate it won’t be easy

I feel the same way with my Sister-she hates me and pretty much anyone for being alive.

I don't hate her, but I will not shed a tear when she passes away-it's her loss.

Everyone has reasons for their behaviour. Thing is do you want to know why he is like that? could be the way he is/brought up etc.

Sort things out now while you can talk. If you want to that is.

a sad story john, i feel for you.

all the best mate :-/

MrOvershoot - Member
I can confirm that you are not a miserable git John, TBH your one of the most irritatingly chipper people I know.

That's the nicest insult anyone has ever said about me.

BTW, he's still hanging in there but sleeping 95% of the day, my sister and I are at his bedside. More tears today but only when I talk to other people outside the hospice or on the phone.

I went for a couple of loops of Follow the Dog just 8 miles away this morning at first light to try and clear my head.

Message for anyone from the Photo A Day 2009 Flickr pool who looks in here, I know a few do here is todays and yesterdays photos as I can't acess my account from this borrowed laptop for some reason.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/onephotoeveryday/pool/

[img] [/img]
"Early Morning Bike Ride"

[img] [/img]
"Shindlers Lift"

JohnClimber - Member
More tears today but only when I talk to other people outside the hospice or on the phone

It was exactly the same for me John, I think it's part of trying to be "strong" for those around you.
I found myself telling almost complete strangers all about my father then having to stop as I was too upset!

he's still hanging in there but sleeping 95% of the day, my sister and I are at his bedside.

Sounds like he's not suffering at all ....... lots of morphine, plenty of sleep, and his children by his bedside - more could he want !

Sadly though, it seems as if the suffering of those close to him has now really began 😐
But don't keep the emotions bottled in John, they need to come out. And the more you let them out, the quicker you can move on. Emotional limbo is not at all a good place to be...

I have come late to this thread band can't really add much except to say that some things just are - don't beat yourself up - everyone handles things differently. There is no right or wrong - there just "is"

Good words from Ernie above

Bit late on this one as well but I'd like to reinforce the advice you've had not to beat yourself up about not feeling like you think you should or how other people think you should. Emotions are strange things. I didn't get particularly upset when my folks died however it kind of hit home and came out after the funerals. You might find the same. Also its OK if you don't particularly like your dad. Its possible to love someone without liking them.

I'm with TJ (again!)

I'm the same at times of crisis. I feel practically no emotion. When close family have died, I have felt just about nothing at the time. But it will come out in the end,so if you find yourslef wobbling weeks or in my case months down the line, be prepared.

Love transcends everything.

I'm sitting on the train on my way back down to london to fly back to NZ having sent off my dad on wednesday. I'd like to apologise to the rest of carriage M on the 09:55 Kings X from Edi for bubbling away while i type this,. Actually, i don't care.
My dad was diagnosed with Mesothelioma last December 19th, i know the date as it was exactly 12 months before i was due to be married. He died peacefully last Thursday at 1pm. I was in NZ when he died as there was no way I could get back in time and quite frankly i didn't want to, my mum and sister were with him. I hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks for various reasons but that doesn't bother me. He knows I loved him, and vice versa. We didn't exactly have a rip roaring time and he did some amazing damage to the family but at the end of the day he was and still is my dad. As I sat in the crem on Wednesday looking out at the sun shining I made a promise to myself that I would live my life to the absolute max as he certainly did not. My mum is amazing and she deserved better but you play with the hand you are dealt and we will continue on with this life thing we do. I shed tears for him butr mostly remembered all the cool stuff we did when i was little. God bless you dad.

hi john - sorry to hear the news...

we lost my mum to cancer this June, one day all is well, the next mum's in hospital, ten day's later it was the wheatfields hospice is leeds and she died one day later, i managed my emotions all the way though this until i left the hospice and i fell to pieces in the hospice car park in front of my best mate (who had offered to collect some of my things/clothes etc and drive them over from chester to leeds) - and again in front of family/people at the crematorium do, i think i was the only person in the room who didn't cry - i guess we all just handle things differently in a own way

i too did a few 'clear the head' rides during the period she was in hospital, fortunately we had time to get folks round to visit and see mum before it was too late

take it easy fella...

cp

Thoughts are with you John, we lost Mrs Catfoods mum yesterday to exactly the same cancer, slept then drifted away, she was lovely.

A lot of men of our fathers generation find it hard to show their emotions, they love us just as fiercely though.

Thanks all, I've been fine all day today now I'm crying my eyes out again as I read the above posts.

I'm sitting here 4 days in at his bedside as we listen to the most boring 0 - 0 Charlton v Oldham match on the Iplayer, (we both support Leeds so come on Oldham).

I'm heading home later for a couple of nights at home as the doctors have told us (Sister & I) that we need a break and he might last for another week or so.

Thanks for STW for the advert just to the right as I write this
[u][b]Leeds Funeral Director[/b][/u]
A Family Run Business Est. 1808 Leeds / Wetherby / Garforth

I'm so sorry mate. For me, the concept that I'd be leaving someone behind to deal with all of the grief far outweighs the thought of dying. I can't imagine how tough it must be at the mo. This place is a godsend though - use it as your sounding board and it'll help for sure.

Petesgaff

Cheers Mark (Petesgaff)

Just heard from my sister that he's looking weaker each day, the hospice he's is in is Katherine House at Stafford it's a fantasic place to spend your last day's. The people who work there are living saints. http://www.khhospice.org.uk/

We are currently living our lives not one day at a time but 1/2 a day at a time, just waiting for "[b]that[/b]" phone call. I'm heading down to see him every couple of days and my sister does the others. It's hard work but has to be done.

Dad Update.

He passed away in his sleep about an hour ago.......

So much for the 3 to 6 months to live eh?

My sincere condolences

My sincere condolences, too.

this will probably sound trite but he's at peace now and you have made yours.
May he rest in Peace and sincere condolences to you,

Just read this again, (all the best NZ & John).

Makes me realise that one of my pals and pain the rear Dad is getting older and not in shape etc.

Sort of preparing myself as we do get on (have had our bust ups) but not sure how I would get on without his banter and caring nature or his stupidity at times...

I think it is part of growing up experience-it never really stops but sometimes it sure sucks.

Also take a look at your lives and do something good and don't waste anytime.

Best to you all guys-hope you all come out stronger.

Sorry to hear your news John.

Although it was far quicker than the Dr's prognosis, at the very least you were big enough to heal your rift with him before the end - and that must be worth all the emtional wrangling you did with yourself.

Allow yourself time to grieve now.

Bad luck John, that's not good to hear. As mentioned, good to see that you at least got some things sorted, and maybe the quicker-than-expected end was a blessing in disguise. Good luck with the following weeks.

Sorry to hear that John, you will go through a whole load of emotions over the next week. But just remember that you parted as friends.

Chin up mate

Thanks all, as you say he's out of pain and discomfort now.

Sorry to hear that mate. 🙁

MrOvershoot - Member
At least you have made peace with him & I can confirm that you are not a miserable git John, TBH your one of the most irritatingly chipper people I know.

I might not be as "chipper" as normal for the next 48 hours as Dad's funeral is tomorrow afternooon.

Thanks for your kind words and support.

Wow. Just read this thread through and I've welled up.

My sincerest condolances to you John & Col.

Makes you realise what you have that others haven't and things that you take for granted. I'm going away for a few days on Friday with my family to celebrate my mum & dads ruby wedding. I am blessed with absolutely amazing parents who I have probably put through hell over the years as at times I have been a complete tool. I will however do my best to make sure this is a weekend to remember and will think of you both and your sad loss as I raise a glass.

All the best for the future guys. I don't know what I'll do when my folks pass.

hope all goes well John, all the best to you and yours mate.

[b]****ing Hell[/b].......Sorry

It doesn't rains but it pours doesn't it???????

We've just buried Dad this afternoon
http://www.flickr.com/photos/25655510@N02/4052921173/in/pool-onephotoeveryday

Only to be told that my Mum who's in a realy nice care home (since Dad couldn't cope looking after her since this spring because of her Alzheimer's) that she has stopped eating and more impotantly stopping drinking.
Aparently it's one of the last stages of Alzheimer's where the part of her brain dies/turns off the need to eat and drink.

The care home is great but won't fit a feeding tube as they are not a nursing home, we now have the choice to keep her there and let her die within 7 days to 3 months, or risk moving her if we can find somewhere that will take her for constant feeding.

We feel we should leave her where she is as she has no quality of life,she can't comunicate, walk, do anything for herself, she can't even lift her head off her chest to see who's visiting her.

One reason I feel we need to leave her there is because of something she said to me when we visited her Mum in a nearby home when she was at the same stage. Mum told me "make sure you shoot me before I get the that state"

From an Alzheimer's web site
[i][b]Stage 7[/b] – Late or Severe Dementia and Failure to Thrive. Severely limited intellectual ability. Communicate through short words, cries, mumbles or moans. When speech is lost, also lose ability to ambulate without help. Health declines considerably as [u]body systems begin to shut down, swallowing is impaired[/u], and the brain is no longer able to interpret sensory input. Generally bedridden, increased sleeping, seizures possible. No longer responds to environmental cues and requires total support around the clock for all functions of daily living and care[/i]

Unfortunatly for the family there is no stage 8

Hiya john - I lost my mam last year, after she'd suffered with alzheimers for about eight years. I'm a nurse, and I worked with people with dementia for a long time. If you want any advice, or just to offload, whatever, my e-mail adress is in my profile. Take care, Mitch.

Cheers Mitch, but loosing Dad was a shock, hence this thread. We lost Mum about 5 years ago and we are now just waiting.

As the Queen said it looks like this years is going to be an "annus horribilis" one for us

I know what you mean about the waiting, I think I said goodbye to my mam once the alzheimers started to make a major change to her personality, etc - to be brutally honest, the woman we buried had been a stranger to me for a long time, and (please dont think I'm a tw*t for saying this) it was a complete relief once she'd gone.

My parents moved to the other end of the country when i was 15. I was very close to both of them. But stayed behind. I probably struggled with it more than i realised.

My dad got cancer when i was 18 and tbh i dont think i even made a phone call to see how he was through it. I kinda thought it was payback for them buggering off.

Dad turns up after all the op's having gone from 17st muscle man to 10st wierd looking thing that resembled my dad.

Our relationship has never been the same tbh. I still cant weigh up why its like that or wether i meant to be nasty or wether i was confused.

Do i regret it? How do you regret something I didnt/dont understand? I honestly dont know what the hell happened in them few years but my relationship with my parents went from close to something which wasnt a patch on it. A shame but we all handle things differently.

It may seem like a strange this to say, but i think these threads are great. It reminds you that you're not the only one that shit happens to and it makes you check in on yourself, which can only be a good thing.

I am in the position of wondering how the **** I support my mother. Looks like she's about to lose her brother and her sister to cancer. This around 4 yrs after losing my dad to the same thing.

Losing both would probably kill her - how do you stop that happening?

John, not much to say really except I half know where you are right now. I'm bimbling along alright. Main priority for me has been to make sure my mum is OK and coping with the 'new normal' as we now call it. She's cool so in that respect I am fine. I have major wobbly moments - was out training last Wed night and a couple of hours in, while feeling a bit spanked I just sort of lost the plot and rode along in tears for 10 minutes. Felt much better for that ! Odd but not much I can do about it.
Look after yourself and your family.

Goan - you can;t you just have to do what you can and make sure you look after yourself in the process.

NZCol - I've made that mistake before and had 6 months off work picking up the pieces.

adding to the list, my grandfather passed away peacefully last night, 94, he wanted to go.

I am truly devastated for you John, that you should have to deal with this situation at this time 😐

The only comment I can make is that I am surprised that you've been told that it might take 7 days to 3 months. My father died as a result of stopping eating and drinking, but in his case it wasn't because of Alzheimer's. He had a stroke which left him partially paralysed (and he had a slight a problem with swallowing) after a year or so he just got too fed up with being 'helpless' as he saw it, in a wheelchair, so he just first of all gave up eating, and as he got weaker, he gave up drinking.

I can't remember exactly how long it took, but I was surprised how quick it was, specially after he stopped drinking - all in all, probably in the region of about 7 days. I have to say that it really didn't seem a bad way to go. He didn't suffer as he got weaker, and as his immune system itself, got weaker and weaker, he simply succumbed to pneumonia - which brought a rapid end.

The decision is yours and your family of course, but I can completely understand if you are reluctant to move your Mother. And as you said, she once suggested to you that she would not want be kept alive at all costs. Good luck and best wishes.

Gus

Condolences about your grandfather btw MrNutt 😐

Hi mate

Guessed what was up by your ribald comments on twitter - sorry for your loss man.

Tank

Hell John you are bloody brave to be able to talk about it, in consecutive years my dad lost both his brothers and then sister to cancer followed by last year his announcement to the family that he had it too and he had to go in to hospital to get it all taken out. I muttered about it at the time to some of the CCM but basically kept quiet about it which in hindsight wasn't too good an idea, so I admire your bravery in sharing it with people.

For him they managed to find it all and the check ups so far have remained clear and he's back to being a wiry old fixie riding roadie again, but it was scary seeing him laid so low. His big tip is if you find a lump don't ignore it and then at the prodding of your mate eventually go and get it checked out, instead go to the doc's straight away.

I'm having a bit of a maudlin evening.

One of the things that I'll never forget is when my dad realised that he only had a matter of days left was" is that it, 63 yrs, is that all I get?"This from a guy that had Schizophrenia for 40 yrs, one eye and had almost beaten a hefty dose of lung cancer. Makes you think.

It's my eldest's birthday next week and the old boy died before he got a chance to see him.

Suppose is should be thankful that I've found something that I love doing and have a healthy family.

keep strong John mate. my thoughts are with you.

barnsleymitch - Member
I know what you mean about the waiting, I think I said goodbye to my mam once the alzheimers started to make a major change to her personality, etc - to be brutally honest, the woman we buried had been a stranger to me for a long time, and (please dont think I'm a tw*t for saying this) it was a complete relief once she'd gone.

Before I knew about Alzheimer's I would have thought the same, I haven't said bood gye to Mum face to face but the time we have spent together is and always will be special.

I've just burnt my toasted Malt Loaf typing this out.....Can things get any worse for me?

Come up and see us at the caff John, chill out on't sofa with a brew and some of Mrs.G's cake on the house.

genesis - Member
Come up and see us at the caff John, chill out on't sofa with a brew and some of Mrs.G's cake on the house.

I/we might just do that, where are you?

John - with regards to your mother

One reason I feel we need to leave her there is because of something she said to me when we visited her Mum in a nearby home when she was at the same stage. Mum told me "make sure you shoot me before I get the that state"

I think by saying that she has made her wishes clear and as she cannot now consent to things you have to do it for he. The guiding principle should always be when making decisions for someone "what would [i]they[/i] have wanted to do / be done"

It is not easy and its tempting to cling on to all hope - but dementia is a one way process. The best we can do at the end is ensure that the person with dementia dies a dignified and comfortable death surrounded by their loved ones. would a feeding tube achieve anything [i]for your mother[/i]

If the home she is in look after her with love and a reasonable degree of competence then leaving her in their care might be the best for all concerned.

As regards yourself - events like the past few weeks are absolutly devastating. Accept some professional help / counselling or go seek some. A few words with the parish priest might help or formal sessions of professional counselling. This is not weakness but something that helps many of us make sense of times like this in our lives.

Don't be afraid to lean on your friends as well - your real friends will be there for you. We all need support.

Good luck

When first my dad and then my mum died, I can honestly say it passed me by much like a wet Sunday morning. A bit "not the best day ever" with regard to my mum but other than that, I wasn't muched bothered. In fact, the day after my Mum died, I went for a bike ride with NBT and Bunnyhop.
I guess I'm something of an emotional cripple.

I should add that my wife is an oncologist nurse specialist and senior sister at a very large (UK's largest) hospice and my lack of caring about just about anybody really, really worries her.

Just seen your post TJ. Hand on heart (don;t actually think I have an emotional one)....I really wasn't and continue to be not much bothered at all. Take me at a Man City match though and I'm kickinf every ball.

I'm well odd, me 🙂

Barca - grief affects different people in different ways. There is no right and wrong.

If the deaths were expected you will have had time to go thru the stages of grief and come to acceptance quickly.