"Oh, 12 tons of gravel don't go very far do they, I think we'll need to order some more."
We haven't yet spread the first shovel load.
"You know how you said you always wanted to lose weight"
'I've bummed your dog'
'We've run out of cheese'
"I'll just slip this in for a moment...."
You passed out, I didn't think you'd mind!
I thought it was a fart
sorry mate, we only sell smoothflow.
sorry mate, we only sell smoothflow.
We really need a "Like" button.
I think it's broken
"Just pull your knees up to your chest and try to relax"
"I think I might be pregnant again"
Fix bayonets?
And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.
brexit means brexit
🙄
"It's losing coolant, but there's no sign of a leak."
"Hmmmm. That's interesting"
Or, more usually in our place:
"It never did that when we tested it"
The variety of
"that's a new one"
"not seen that error before" (said the developer who coded the error codes)
You're going to need a bigger boat....
"I [b]think[/b] I turned the cooker off?"
"I've got something bad to tell you"
(Said by the wife, often. Just ****ing tell me what it is. It could be anything from one of the kids breaking a ****ing nail to her writing the car off and hospitalising the lot of them! I can't take the suspense!)
"we don't have enough money for..."
Oh, and what kimbers said.
"Hey lads, watch this!"
*kids disappear upstairs*
*silence reigns*
"Just coming in to land king commander are we ?"
And followed by "do you know how fast you were going "
and finally "well I aint paying the £100 its your car "
Straw Man being strawy!
"It's losing coolant, but there's no sign of a leak."
OH's car is doing this, told her to just keep topping it up and, like the oil, she forgets.
She could get a newer car but frankly it's her lack of mechanical sympathy that's killing this one, so a new one is just going to go the same way!
"This won't hurt a bit" 😯
"Sir, we've had the tests back and I'm afraid that it appears you are pregnant."
"Are you the parent of...?"
"We need to talk..." (Never actually heard this one. I talk a lot.)
told her to just keep topping it up
...
it's her lack of mechanical sympathy that's killing this one
Not just hers by the sounds of it.
"No, that's the price for a half."
Fix bayonets?
😆 😯
The results are positive
or sometimes
The results are negative
"Why's your toilet got blood in it?"
Nurse: 'You're just going to feel a little prick'
(said to my ex in the delivery room before a jab)
"In real terms..."
Not just hers by the sounds of it.
I pick my battles.
Possible expensive headache stripping down the engine on a 12yr old fiesta with 115,000miles, gets floored down the motorway at 90 from cold every morning with the heater on full in winter, engine drinks oil, dings to every panel and a broken heater fan? Nope, just keep servicing it and putting a pint of coolant in it ever few thousand miles and servicing it on the driveway.
Mine (only 2 years younger and 90,000miles) is mechanically perfect.
"Hi, Travellers have just pitched up right outside you unit"
when the wife says "I've got a great idea" it is usually followed with me having to make it a reality
"I promise I won't come in yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu....."
"Could you just.." followed by something that's usually quite tricky.
"bicycle helemts reduce risk by ... study finds"
Oh I didn't mean that, can you swap x to y. . .
after 3 hours work 👿
deffo not happened this morning/lunch
"...honestly the NHS will be better off to the tune of £350 million a week"!
"Can't feel a pulse,does he have any contact details?"
Try not to tense, we'll go on the count of three.
One.
Two.
ARGHHH!
Is it in yet?
"the surgery went fairly well"
"You should have been here yesterday "
"Last run"
Noooooooooooooooooo ....never, ever call "last run"
"Sorry mate, we only serve extra cold"
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"welcome to jail, this is your cell mate, Bubba"
"....what do you mean you have a twin sister.."
"I think One Direction are misunderstood musically"
"I used to be a BBC disc jockey in the 80's"
Your dad's better between the sheets than you......
Nerdy one but...
"vision quest" 🙄
As happen to be rewatching Star Trek Voyager. Skip that episode then.
From Mrs North: "Er, how much money have you got left in your bank account?"
(The answer is, inevitably: more than you, but not as much as you think because you spend mine almost as fast as you spend yours.)
New wheel/hub standard
"Just a quick question"
"you shure got a pretty mouth"
" squeal like a pig "
Bacon is bad for you.....
While were here ill just check your colon,
"I've been thinking"
From the wife you just know its going to cost time & money
"I was just riding along/this job should be done under warranty"
"We don't accept that form of ID"
*air being sucked through teeth*
"Oh, did you still want it?"
"Let's watch Pearl Harbor!"
"I was wearing a wire"
Oooh, I have another one:
"I got you gig tickets for your birthday! Nickleback live at the xxxxxx"
Thats not my ring, its my watch.
"To be honest, I lost count in fresher's week"
'bring out the gimp'
Don't worry we do this everyday
I'm not racist, but...
What's the worst that can happen?
'oh it's like a little mushroom'
"It was like that when you gave it to me"
"This bit can be tricky but it's fine if you hit it with plenty of speed"
'I read on the internet that....'
I've been told I need a 160mm travel gnarpedo to ride Friston fast.
Can we just......(meaning can I spend all day slogging my guts out on DIY and trips to B&Q whilst she reads her bloody kindle and then when I'm tidying up I get asked where I'm walking the dogs......)
My mother rang/texted........