[Closed] My wife has left me.

I had poured the last bottle of wine down the sink.

Give yourself some credit mate for what you've managed to do in the last couple of days. Sounds like you're well on the way to me.

Pedalling will probably help - amazing how a couple of hours in the saddle can take you somewhere else.

Re working hard ,holidays and time off.The positive side of packing in the booze is on 2 bottles of plonk a day you spend about 60/70 quid a week on booze .Put it away somewhere ,thats a bloody good FAMILY (hopefully) holiday in quite a short time .Good luck

Exercise of any sort will make you feel a lot better.

I currently have my daughter with me, we've been to the park on the swings so I've had some fresh air, she is at that age where she is asking questions of everything 'what's that noise?' etc at every little sound and thing she sees, it was lovely having a conversion with her without my head being clouded by a night on the booze.

My wife has gone to the local gym for an hour and has agreed to come back and listen to what I have to say, the temptation is to get carried away and say look at me I'm better come back to me, but I know this would be a bloody daft thing to do as I still have a journey in front of me and some demons to fight before anyone will believe me, I think she may also stay for lunch, which will be great anyway it's a bit stupid using petrol driving between her parents and here all day.

Thanks for all your supportive words they have been great, please keep them coming even the tough love ones!

BTW I'm not sure if I've said in on here so far (turning into a bit of a long thread), But hello I'm rubbish, I'm an alcoholic.

@rubbish, very sorry to hear this. There can be a positive outcome.

You might not think your drinking is a problem but your wife certainly does (and most likely your daughter too) and that's what counts here.

You need to understand this is a very big wake up call. Get the professional advice and help you need and make some permanent changes. Let your wife know you are doing this for the sake of you all, her, your daughter and yourself. Don't ask her to come back until you have made some very solid progress.

Edit: I've just seen your post, that's progress and so positive to hear but please don't underestimate how hard this will be

Good luck,your last post sounded more positive,think you can fix this,just take time, patience,communication and no booze.

Well we had a calm conversation, but it was a two way rather than me telling her what I was doing and her listening, she still maintains that this is it and it's over, I didn't entice her to say this again but I have told her that I'm not giving up with us yet as I need this as part of my recovery she warned me not to badger her about it otherwise she will back away.

The sad thing is I'm starting to realise that I think she has gone for good, everyday is going to be a very long day.

una salus victis nullam sperare salutem

Oh I still have hope, but the legal proceedings are in place already, I don't think I have much time.

Hold on to that hope, dont allow the negative side to take over.
You sound like you have made a lot of positive steps already, from reading this thread from the start I am impressed by how quickly you have made some difficult decisions already. If it helps to sort things out in your head, keep venting/discussing on here.

+1 for the bike ride idea, you must be mentally exhausted from dealing with this, give yourself a break by dodging rocks and picking lines 🙂

keep it up Rubbish.

Mate . ive been through this Twice ... not my doing ... ive since met a wonderfull lady and we are happy . its really tough going from seeing your kids every day to a couple of days every other weekend , as i know . you will get through it. Trust Me!

+1 for the bike ride idea, you must be mentally exhausted from dealing with this,

Yes I am to a degree, but mentally I'm struggling with the idea of a riding at the moment, I may go for a walk later when my daughter has gone, seemed to work well yesterday.

Hugely well done so far - it's like the road race again and everyone is behind you 🙂

Just a slight warning on the 'professional' help. I've also seen problems caused by such help and seen these folks in exactly the same mess. Remember that in the end it is you that is in control and who chooses your direction (which is what you are doing now)

Also, the legal stuff isn't necessarily the end. I have two sets of friends who went the whole divorce route and got back together again. It's not common but not impossible either. Focus on the cause (drink/self esteem) rather than the symptoms (the split up).

Looking at the broader picture, we will have to sell the house if the worse does happen, which is fine there is a fair chunk of equity in it, not enough for me to buy a house and in my mid 40's what am I going to do, guess I'd have to rent and invest the money.

Maybe best not to think of that at the moment.

OK MATE JUST READ ON PLEASE for your own sake! I don't usually break my anonymity but 25 years ago when I had 4 kids at home I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol. Every time I had just one drink it led to another and another and ..........
My kids and my home were chaos and I felt suicidal. I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous (It's in the phone book and on the internet). A lady came to see me and although I have had to take all the shit that life brings on life's terms I have a great life today. I worked a 12 step programme and still do. I have watched my kids grow up and have 4 lovely grandchildren. It hasn't all been plain sailing, I lost my partner 5 years ago and 7 years ago my eldest son committed suicide (HE WAS ALCOHOLIC). AA taught me that I didn't have to drink no matter what happened to me and I can honestly say that this is a programme that works if you want it and want to work it.

I am now 62 and still riding MTB's because I am lucky enough to have got my fitness back without permanent damage from the booze and enjoying teaching grandchildren to ride. I have been able to have a career and a lot of great people in my life.

If you want to email me privately then use the mail in my profile. You are no good to your family as a drunk and more importantly, no good to yourself. There really is light at the end of the tunnel mate. You just have to ask for help and ACCEPT IT. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous online and phone someone today. There is always help from people who have been through this and understand.

Don't pick up the first drink today then you probably wont want the next one that will lead to the 2 bottles a day.

GOOD LUCK X

Since I posted last night you've improved further! It's really positive that you still have access and time with your daughter. The communication with your wife sounds like it is improving a lot despite the emotions you must be feeling (and expressed the other day).

In terms of medical help, (which sounds vague and a bit intimidating) therapy is seeming a strong candidate. If you can control yourself enough to have stopped; which is brilliant, then talking about this is the following solution. My partner is undergoing CBT for her anxiety; she experienced abuse as a child and has self esteem issues (to swiftly put it in a nutshell). She says it's really helping so far, together they are looking at what can be changed in the future and actively breaking down the barriers at present. She even has homework! This is on the NHS by the way.

CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) assesses the psychological problems and helps find solutions but also addresses the behavioural patterns and similarly works to resolve these. A singular cognitive or behavioural approach tends to fall down due to a lack of addressing the other. What we think and what we do are quite different at times.

Keep it up, you're doing well 🙂

One thing she did say this morning and I'm not sure how to read into it, I did say to her that I presumed that she thought I would turn into an alcoholic mess over the weeknd, she replied well it would have given me more ammuntion, ammuntion? I've taked both barrells in the vital organs what more could she want?

Perhaps it would justfiy her actions further? and if she needs further justification perhaps there is still a glimmer in there that isn't sure.

Sorry I'm rambling.

rubbish - Member
One thing she did say this morning and I'm not sure how to read into it, I did say to her that I presumed that she thought I would turn into an alcoholic mess over the weeknd, she replied well it would have given me more ammuntion, ammuntion? I've taked both barrells in the vital organs what more could she want?

Perhaps it would justfiy her actions further? and if she needs further justification perhaps there is still a glimmer in there that isn't sure.

Sorry I'm rambling.

That sounds to me like it's Ammo for the divorce court and lawyer mate.

TBH it sounds to me like you need to give the wife a couple of days without communication. Give her a bit of space and let things cool down a bit.

However if i'm honest, it's not looking good fella i'm afraid.

And whilst I'm rambling, over the past couple of months or so there has been a change in her behavior I realised this way before Friday, I haven't mentioned this so far as I'm not sure I am addding it up correctly.

1.She spends a lot of time texting on her phone, this isn't necessarily a new thing but it has increased.

2. She has been late a lot recently, this is unusual

3. Whilst I've been out riding she has been out a couple of times that I know of and has been out for far too long (always dressed nicely) for instance last week she spent over two hours buying wellies for our daughter!

I know from experience that this is classic indications someone is up to something, what do you think?

I have asked her directly if she is having an affair and she has said no, but this morning when she came back from the Gym she said that she has to go and do some errands for her Father, but she grabbed what looked like a change of clothes, and she admitted she was getting knickers, thing is she took a load of stuff yesterday, this looks to me that she is getting changed somewhere else other than her parents.

I should add that if her parents found out she was having an affair, their support would decrease considerably.

Tough one fella... Looking back it's always easy to put 2 and 2 together... it's also easy to have 2+2=69 😉 however that doesn't necessarily make it correct.

IME i've not actually known a couple to split without one of them being in another relationship on the side. Just my past experience, but often people leave because the grass is potentially greener on the other side.

However... keep it sensible and lets not make things up just because they fit your current mood.

Ok, this:

Half the forumers on here are not giving you good advice, I think a lot of you anger issues come from a lack of self esteem. I can see it in the way you talk about a few of your problems. At this vulnerable stage in your life you do not need to be listening to people putting you down, you do have problems but you are NOT a bad person. Your brain just needs some rewiring, you are suffering from chronic stress and anxiety due to the job - it's setting off your fight or flight mechanism (mostly the fight bit). The drinking is compounding this issue. The issues you are having are experienced by millions of people within Europe alone.

and this:

OK MATE JUST READ ON PLEASE for your own sake! I don't usually break my anonymity but 25 years ago when I had 4 kids at home I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol. Every time I had just one drink it led to another and another and ..........
My kids and my home were chaos and I felt suicidal. I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous (It's in the phone book and on the internet). A lady came to see me and although I have had to take all the shit that life brings on life's terms I have a great life today. I worked a 12 step programme and still do. I have watched my kids grow up and have 4 lovely grandchildren. It hasn't all been plain sailing, I lost my partner 5 years ago and 7 years ago my eldest son committed suicide (HE WAS ALCOHOLIC). AA taught me that I didn't have to drink no matter what happened to me and I can honestly say that this is a programme that works if you want it and want to work it.

I am now 62 and still riding MTB's because I am lucky enough to have got my fitness back without permanent damage from the booze and enjoying teaching grandchildren to ride. I have been able to have a career and a lot of great people in my life.

If you want to email me privately then use the mail in my profile. You are no good to your family as a drunk and more importantly, no good to yourself. There really is light at the end of the tunnel mate. You just have to ask for help and ACCEPT IT. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous online and phone someone today. There is always help from people who have been through this and understand.

Don't pick up the first drink today then you probably wont want the next one that will lead to the 2 bottles a day.

GOOD LUCK X

Other than these good points and the positive stuff that people have said GET THE **** OFF THE INTERNET. This has the same effect as going on WebMD with a slight headache and coming back off thinking you have ball cancer and aids of the eyeballs.

Do you have a bike? Then go ride it, just even a short pootle
Do you have any friends you can talk to? Go talk to them - The pundits on here probably don't know you and are offering what they think is good advice that may not work for you
Go see your doctor: They're not just there for antibiotics and stuff
Take a few days off or at least lower your workload
Try to stay off the drink, it's clearly not doing you or anyone around you any good
GET SOME HELP!!! it'll be the best thing you can do in the long run regardless of the outcome

If you are in any kind of fragile state of mind the internet is the worst place in the world, people hate you without knowing you and spraff all sorts of bollocks to get a reaction, not something you need right now.

Rubbish when is the last time that you had sex?

Can be stress but if its been quite a while I think its an answer to your question above.

When a friends husband had an affair the sex went from twice a week for years to less than once a fortnight.

Frequency is a big pointer. People say you want it less as you get older, I say it can be a pointer/indicator on the health of the relationship.

to less than once a fortnight.

This

The only thing that I will say is repair yourself, for the sake of your Daughters future. Be sensible with your wife and take each day step by step.

Dont come out of this with your health shot and a shattered man.

Been out in the garden playing with my Daughter, Christ we have barely been here a year and she loves the garden her paddling pool, it was our dream house, more pain, must stay in control but it's hard.

If it helps check her phonebill for a number that appears very frequent. Then she will (if she is) open up

rubbish - Member
Been out in the garden playing with my Daughter, Christ we have barely been here a year and she loves the garden her paddling pool, it was our dream house, more pain, must stay in control but it's hard.

Expensive house in more ways than one.

As others have alluded to.... Maybe if you'd spent less time working, more time with your missus, you wouldn't be in this position now.

Sorry if that's harsh mate... but it could be the 'dream' house actually cost you your dream.

priorities..

Goodness poor you, the walls are caving in a bit !

I have read all this and would add a couple of bits of advice, take what you will.

Ignore Hora. If you were drinking 2 bottles of wine a night I hardly think frequency of sex is a significant issue here. I know it's a big part of male ego but women are different, and god help your wife when she comes to the menopause Hora !

I have first hand experience watching a family member stop drinking cold turkey. It does funny things to a person, one of which can be paranoid delusions. I mean in respect to your wife's behaviour here. (in some people, sometimes etc etc) I would echo the advice about proper medical help.

If she has moved on that is for her to deal with, you can't do anything about it. It may not last, she may need to feel loved etc. Focus on the things you can fix, which is your behaviour and responses to situations, which is the drinking. I know it is hard but try not to focus on this, you don't have any facts and it will cloud the real issues.

Also, are you drinking to deal with the stress at work, or getting stressed at work to justify the drinking ?? I knew somebody like that. Just a thought.

Anyway just some ramblings and good luck ! You have started a long road to sorting some stuff (oops sorry that was a bit cheesey)

Also, are you drinking to deal with the stress at work, or getting stressed at work to justify the drinking ?? I knew somebody like that. Just a thought.

Yes I have drawn the conclusion that I am using stress to have an excuse to drink, that's not to say I look for the stress but I have definitely used it to justify the drinking.

However a Psychiatrist may draw a different conclusion.

As I say, best of luck, and it will be worth it. I was your daughter (if you know what I mean) my dad was an alcoholic and I am very very very (times 1 million) glad he stopped drinking. Do it for her !

Hide your phone in her car before she heads off with Endomondo running..

😈

i've just read the whole thread, it makes tough reading. rubbish i feel for you, the way i see it tho is its irrelevant if your wife is having an affair- whats important is that you have realised you have a problem with booze. try to keep off the drink, it is one of the most dangerous drugs going, yet is the most commonly available. if it goes to divorce, she will insist you have hair strand tests to determine your level of drinking. i have 3 sons who i've not seen for nearly 2 years, due to my ex accusing me of being a drug addict and alcoholic (untrue) the first test i did came back positive for codeine, she tried to say it was indicative of heroin use, the next one came back borderline for alcohol use. the parameters are very low, if you drink 3-6 units a day the test will come back positive.
however, i can see light at the end of the tunnel, PLEASE PLEASE hang in there, there iS A GOOD PLACE AT THE END of all this, if you want it. you are welcome to mail me spchantler at hotmail dot com

If she has moved on that is for her to deal with, you can't do anything about it. It may not last, she may need to feel loved etc. Focus on the things you can fix, which is your behaviour and responses to situations, which is the drinking. I know it is hard but try not to focus on this, you don't have any facts and it will cloud the real issues.

Good advice but this was better

Ignore Hora

Lovely day with my daughter, went for a trundle with her this afternoon in her pushchair to the supermarket, word of warning never go to Lidl when you head is imploding I've no idea what this rice dish is I bought.

However on a not so good note when I got back my wife was there to pick my daughter up, I lost it, I just couldn't stop sobbing, I was like a big baby, I tried to contain myself and asked her how she could do this etc etc (not helpful I know), earlier today I had said that why didn't she give me the ultimatum, stop drinking or I leave with our daughter, she replied 'I assumed you would be aware that would happen', I bought that up again and said how can you let anyone assume that? Especially an alcoholic, in fact I didn't think she would leave as we had a daughter, foolish and complacent I know.

I did ask her to have a good think about what she has done and she agreed, I should add I asked what her (Step) Father thought of it all, one of the things he said was that a Leopard never changes its spots, this is a man that 2 years ago was about 22+ stone and drank 3 bottles of wine a night, in fact we used to get bladdered together, he's now given up drinking and lost weight, kind of makes that remark baseless, he also said that once you leave it's over, more bollocks.

On a good note, sparkling mineral water and Roses lime juice tonight.

Thanks for listening all of you.

EDIT: My wife offered to come and clean the house tomorrow which was nice.

Crying is healthy mate - let it out !

ignore.

Buddy book yourself in with an emergency visit at your local health clinic. Quick help is useful during acute and severe psychological trauma, I'm worried by the way you are posting.

Ignore the people telling you to be careful of professional help. Pharmacological intervention now may substantially lessen the long term damage this does to you. SSRI's will also lessen your desire to drink.

You need some real medical advice as to what going cold turkey can do to you as well (sweating, increased anxiety etc etc.)

I'm not getting any physical effects from giving up alcohol, if the doctor insists medication is the way to go I will consider it, but I know my wife wouldn't like the idea and at the moment I'm trying to prove I can do this pretty much solo (counseling aside), I'm an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life, to her and her family this should hopefully count for a lot.

Without blowing my own trumpet, I'm surprised how I'm getting through this, I know its only day 2, but I walked down the booze isle today and I didn't even consider picking up a bottle, the till girls are used to me buying wine in there, I convinced she looked at me as to say 'Where's the wine?'.

I'm an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life, to her and her family this should hopefully count for a lot.

It's for me as well, trying to rectify this utter **** up of mine is for everyone involved.

I'm an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life....

Maybe consider giving someone at AA a call. They are anonymous, you don't have to meet face to face unless you want to. They have been through it. There will be someone there with a story just like yours. They won't tell you what to do or judge you, but can tell you how they have done it. Giving up booze is more than just stopping drinking. It's also about living, well and happy without it. Having a friendly chat with someone who has come through it can't be a bad thing.

All the best OP

Thanks, I feel so incredibly tired at the moment 4 hours sleep last night and probably suffering for the lack of sugar that the wine gave me.

Monday tomorrow and ironically I have work to take my mind off it (kind of), driving off tomorrow morning without my wife and little girl waving and blowing a kiss at the window is going to be horrible.

You're doing fine, but I think it'd be better if you start doing things for yourself rather than for her or her family.

One day at a time will bring success. Keep on keeping on.

Aye, and let us know you are OK from time to time so we don't sit here worrying !

Rubbish,

You will need to up your sugar intake up for a while as your body will have become reliant on it.

You're doing well! Do get in touch with AA, they'll steer you in the right direction.

About the house: it's bricks and mortar. Really not important. There are lots of houses out there, I say that as I potentially stare at the loss of my second 'dream home'!!

Be careful about email/texts with your wife. A good buddy of mine learnt some harsh lessons by being too apologetic and admitting too much fault in a bid to make things better in his state of shock and it cost him very heavily. Keep strong!

Don't try to control everything; we don't own the future, can't change the past so all we've got is they're and now.
Just change the things you can, and accept the things you can't. You'll make better decisions as a result.

Keep going, you've done the worst!

Right, off for a sunset ride! Suggest you do the same!

If you get the opportunity Rubbish, change your username. You are more likely to succeed if you have self-belief, self-respect, and self-worth. Contrary to what you might think of yourself right now, you are not rubbish, you are a human being.

If you get the opportunity Rubbish, change your username. You are more likely to succeed if you have self-belief, self-respect, and self-worth. Contrary to what you might think of yourself right now, you are not rubbish, you are a human being.

+1

Why not call yourself 'Mr Turnaround' or 'Mr Success?'

And this might come in useful to keep an eye on your mood each day...

[url= http://www.moodscope.com/login ]Moodscope[/url]

Ok here goes.

My Wife left me in May and took my kids, I was a mess for a while, lots of research into the price of helium etc. I slowly got it together and concentrated on the time I had with my boys. I started to deal with the things that had triggered the separation (you know what the big one was for you) I also didn't rant at her and made sure I was polite when picking up the boys. In other words I didn't burn any bridges, or as you said give any ammo. Last week out of the blue she offered to come to relate with me, something she had refused to do. Now it is awful, I used to wake up after a couple of hours sleep feeling like I had been punched in the chest,I have certainly never known pain like it. BUT IT SLOWLY GETS BETTER Build on the positives,time with daughter,work; you are obviously good enough that you have plenty work, easy to say: but can you leave the stresses at work? Please don't jump to conclusions about your wife without proof; confrontation will only move you further apart.Good luck whatever happens.

Unfortunately work isn't great at the moment, struggling a bit and the clients I have are very demanding, a clear mind should help with that hopefully.

The stress can't stay at work, work comes with me wherever I go.

It does sound like you are making progress. Look at Duckmans example, it should give you some hope that the situation can be resolved. Remember that you are the man your wife wanted to spend her life with and raise children. I agree with other comments about your work though, the world will not come to an end if you take some time off. You say that you will miss your daughter next week, see if you can move things around, have a day off and see her.

Big respect for all the positive help dished out on this here thread, should be proud of yourselves stw collective!!!

Hi, just wanted to give you a virtual hug, because it's not nice what you're going through. As much as you own the issues involved, it sucks to be on the end of it. As someone who has had a bit of a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, I can relate.

I joined a forum called Bright Eye, which is a support forum for people with alcohol problems and it has been hugely helpful. You get to talk to other people in similar places to you, get support, the occasional kick up the backside, and see how other people have tackled their alcohol issues. I've got a lot more handle on my drinking now - I still have my moments but I don't feel as if it controls me any more in such an all consuming way. EAF (Evil Alcohol Fairy) has a habit of clouding one's perspective somewhat about what the important things are in life.

If you feel the urge to pick the bottle up, just make yourself a list of all the things that you want to achieve by being sober. I'd advise not focusing on getting your wife back right now - perhaps some time for the dust to settle is needed. But you could list better health, reduced stress, and being a better and more present father to your little girl. Quite honestly, I think your wife is doing the right thing not allowing overnight stays at the moment, I wouldn't if it was my child, until I knew for sure that I could trust the child's father not to be drunk whilst looking after a little one.

You have work to do - get on and make that list and every time the EAF comes calling, go back to it and think of every single reason why NOT to do it.

When you stop drinking and losing those hours at the bottom of a bottle, you might find that the family time that you think you have been robbed of by work was actually there all along, and actually it was the drink robbing you of it.

Big respect for all the positive help dished out on this here thread, should be proud of yourselves stw collective

I am always amazed by how helpful and compassionate this group can be when someone is struggling. Good luck to you and a salute to your effort in addressing the problem. As many have said, it will get better.

Glad to hear that Duckman I recall you mentioning it
Fingers crossed for you both

An idea for work, feel free to ignore or shoot down as necessary.

Ask for a confidential chat with each client. Lay your cards on the table about your personal problems and suggest that some time off will be beneficial for all parties. You are unlikely to be able to produce your best work right now and a reasonable person will recognise this. If they aren't reasonable they can be on the list when you rationalise.
Use the time off wisely to arrange professional help as necessary and ride your bike, care for your daughter and all that stuff.

m not getting any physical effects from giving up alcohol, if the doctor insists medication is the way to go I will consider it, but I know my wife wouldn't like the idea and at the moment I'm trying to prove I can do this pretty much solo (counseling aside), I'm an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life, to her and her family this should hopefully count for a lot.

Without blowing my own trumpet, I'm surprised how I'm getting through this, I know its only day 2, but I walked down the booze isle today and I didn't even consider picking up a bottle, the till girls are used to me buying wine in there, I convinced she looked at me as to say 'Where's the wine?'.

You don't have to tell your wife what your doing/taking in terms of your health, that's confidential. It's quite frankly none of her buisness if the doctor decides medication is the way forward in getting you through to seeing the point in which you start seeing benefits from CBT. This is a long drawn out process, CBT could take a year to start to fully rectify the things you consider issues. Like physical training or losing weight the effects build up over time, you won't walk into therapy and come out 2 months later perfectly fine. You will have to decide whether you can handle that. Remember this is not just about giving up drinking, there is an underlying psychological issue that has caused this problem. Giving up drinking is curing the symptoms, not the real issue.

If you find yourself slipping into depression please take my advice. Nipping an acute stress reaction or depressive episode in the bud can stop it developing into something worse. Remember anger turned inwards is depression, if you stop venting your anger all of a sudden you might find yourself internalizing it more and becoming increasingly depressed. You need to find constructive ways of letting anger and frustration out that doesn't cause others problems, or turn your anger sideways through humor. I'm a very angry person, I have a giant chip on my shoulder but I try and 99 percent of the time channel it into a rather twisted sense of humor.

I hope things work out matey, keep us updated.

+1

I didn't even consider picking up a bottle,

well done first step to recovery. Booze isnt the answer.

Can I also say that you should be very careful about accusing her of having a fling. It may be that the staying out longer than normal is that she feels stressed at home with you, the drinking, your work, your daughter and the decision she's seen coming. It could be as simple that she got dressed up and went for a walk or to look in the shops to feel better about herself.

Sounds like you're making the first steps on a road to recovery. Hopefully that road leads to your family but if not, just focus on the fact that your daughter will get the best father you can be, not the best you can be between drinking and working.

Can I also say that you should be very careful about accusing her of having a fling.

Yes I know now, I was being irrational.

Well, I'm back at at work behind may desk where 72 hours ago it all happened, two full nights off the booze now, I feel crap (tired and still emotional) but but look great no dark circles and bloodshot eyes first thing so that's a good start.

I sent her an email early this morning, I know I should leave her alone, but I was compelled to put my thoughts down for her to read, something which face to face is difficult as it becomes a standoff.

I've had a complaint form a client already about the way I handled a situation yesterday, I calmly aplologised but explained that I have had a serious family problem over the weekend but did not wish to give the details, the immediately backed down and accepted this.

The stress is still there whilst handling it without the booze is not necessarily easier, I can think clearly and that is an important when it comes to dealing with work and personal problems.

Here's to another sober evening.

hang in there mr, keep posting

What is it you do that means you have such demanding clients? From everything I have read (and I have been keeping up to date with this all weekend) it seems you have focussed much of your attention on your clients over the years and perhaps sidelined your family. I really think that, once you have got your drinking under control and your head straight a bit, that you need to ditch some of these clients - you shouldn't owe them more than you owe your family or, more importantly, yourself.

I really hope things work out for you.

What is it you do that means you have such demanding clients?

I'd rather not say, anonymity and all that, work is manageable I just need to manage myself, a road ride is on the cards tonight whether it will happen is another thing, I must sort some decent food out for myself as well.

I really think that, once you have got your drinking under control and your head straight a bit, that you need to ditch some of these clients - you shouldn't owe them more than you owe your family or, more importantly, yourself.

I agree. I think it was Bwaaaaaaarp who said that stopping the drinking was addessing the symptoms but not the cause (or something like that). Stopping the drinking was essential and hopefully it will give you the space to take a [u]considered[/u] look at what you do, why you do it and why you do it in the way that you do it.

I really hope things work out for you too.

I agree. I think it was Bwaaaaaaarp who said that stopping the drinking was addessing the symptoms but not the cause (or something like that). Stopping the drinking was essential and hopefully it will give you the space to take a considered look at what you do, why you do it and why you do it in the way that you do it.

I'm hoping the counseling (should it be prescribed) will help with that.

All the best Rubbish, though like others I was thinking a name change was in line with the way you have begun to handle things. Keep going!

Starting to struggle a bit now, I thought being at work would be a distraction, I feel a bit like I'm in a goldfish bowl and i really don't feel like speaking to anyone.

I can't get my wife and daughter out of my thoughts.

Then don't. Turn off phone, email, t'internet etc and watch the Lympics for an hour, catch your breath.

Agreed.

If you had to make a choice, would you rather have your wife and child or your business?

I would walk away from my business without a moment’s hesitation if it would save my marriage and family.

its a massive emotional upheaval. when i split up, i found myself crying about my dad, who'd died years before, stuff just gets locked inside and then bursts out, expect to feel strange after blocking your feelings for years with drink. just remember its going to get better, if you want it to.

Rubbish - you don't say what line of work you are in, but do you think maybe your clients are used to calling you and you jumping on whatever problems or queries they have straight away. Switch your phone off and you might be surprised at how they cope when they realise you are not at their beck and call 24/7.

You mentioned befor ethat your line of work is specialist but there must be others doing something similar. Is there any opportunity to enter into a partnership with somebody else where you retain you own clients but share responsibility for out of hour support? Week on, week off sort of thing.

And if there isn't anyone else doing it, tell your clients you are doing things differently now. If they don't like it they can try to find someone else to do it...

spchantler: "just remember its going to get better, if you want it to."

x100000000

I feel a bit like I'm in a goldfish bowl and i really don't feel like speaking to anyone.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. Remember you've probably just experienced the biggest upheaval and most emotional weekend of your life. Which also came as a bit of a shock. And withdrawing from alcohol (even if you aren't displaying 'physical' symptoms) is likely to cause some anxiety and negativity in your thoughts.

Long-term of course you need to decide how you can deal with work pressures and the way in which you work.

But right now, today, give yourself an hour off. Can you set yourself a target? Work til 12:30, go for a lunch time ride, work a few good hours this afternoon on the proviso you reward yourself? Make sure you leave work on time and go shopping, make sure you go on that road ride, and if you find you are awake and thinking about your family, spend that time productively - plan what you are going to do with your girl and when, ideas for days out etc. And speak to people; friends or just rant on here. Don't allow yourself to become withdrawn.

(And did I say, make sure you go on that road ride.)

Would be going off-road myself! Traffic would do my head in.

As someone who has been through what you're going through quite a few years ago now, I can sympathise. My daughter was 4 yrs old at the time and all the advice in the world cannot dull the pain.

It normally takes a new relationship to make someone make a decisive move....even if that relationship doesn't last. If she is having an affair with someone she's met at the Gym, HE will be very exciting to her at the moment and YOU will be quite the opposite. In fact, she could actually get quite horrible to you whilst this is going on.

Therefore, as someone said previously take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and don't think too much about the future. Try and keep it together and just leave an open offer to her that you would like a second chance. It may take 6 months, but its possible that she may consider it.

Try and be cool and don't do/say anything that could spoil your chances of joint custody.....which is what I had. At present your chances of a reunion sound remote, so whilst you will be scared and completely upset, keep it together and do things to keep you occupied!

@rubbish, you have gotten from this thread a lot of good advice and offers of help from those who have been there. That's hugely valuable. It's time now to follow that up.

FWIW posting comments that your wife has been out of the house a lot, dressing nicely etc. Good she's getting on with her life. If you want to be part of that it's time for you to make some serious changes.

Rubbish, what part of the country are you, my wife and kids are away for a couple of days so tonight and tomorrow I will prob be going for a ride both nights, I'm from a village just outside stafford if you want/need some company and its close enough I'll come ride your area.

I understand your want for anonymity so if this appeals PM me and we'll sort off forum.