[Closed] My wife has left me.

Your sitting there on your own tonight what's more important work or family. You know the answer sort it work to live not live to work.

It does sound like this is a wake up call. What you do with it is up to you. If you work and drink all the time, you need to change that. Both preferably. You can change jobs and stop drinking but you'll never have that time with your daughter again.

Hope it all works out fella. Nobody ever looked back and wished they'd worked more or drank more.

You need to ask for councelling - not just about the booze but about life and communication and obsession over work.

I am sad things are rough for you - but I suspect they have been even rougher for your wife and child for a very long time.

It seems very improbable that your wife would have left you with no prior warnings, no prior discussions, no indication she was struggling herself. Which makes me wonder if you ever took her seriously or listened to her, if you ignored her or dismissed her views. However well you meant in trying to have a good income it still looks like you put yourself first in choices and in booze, or at least have become a workaholic with no awareness of his self destructiveness or its affect on others.

You say something like 'there is no impact other than financial' well clearly that's not true. No one just ups and leaves on a moments whim with no backstory. Also just how bad is the financial impact you imply is trivial? She seems to say you are moody (which implies unpleasant to deal with) - why would she lie?

You say there has been no holiday for, what was it, 17 years? (not going to trace back to look). So no holiday for her then? Or for your loved child?

You were a lucky man - she really loved you to stick it out for this long.

I hope it sorts. I hope you all feel better. I hope you stop putting yourself first, using the excuse of work is more important than people or love. Sorry to be harsh, but its the only way of helping really. If this relationship is permanently down the pan, at least learn from it so the next one goes better.

All the best. I lost everything a long time ago. I know how shit some stuff can be. Sometimes horrible experiences end up saving you.

Rubbish - how much do you actually drink??

2 bottles of wine a night.

2 bottles of wine a night.

in between.

Yeah, ok, you need to cut down on that. I'll get shit faced with you for a bit tonight though. Wake up feeling like crap tomorrow and then review things.

Where you based? Someone on here is bound to be up for a ride... it's one of the things this place is for.

Oh, and buy wine boxes...

rubbish - Member
2 bottles of wine a night.

TSY - GAG and shut up!

rubbish - cut it down, may be easier than cutting out completely? Is that every night?

in between.

I know a fair few people on here for rides in my area, pretty sure I can arrange a ride with them if I want to, but I'm a bit of a loner ridewise.

TSY - GAG and shut up!

{EDITED BY TEH MODS}

yes and yes to Druidh and CG,

Hmmm, may be worth talking to your GP?

yep as above, in motion.

What difference does it make if its cheap or dear? - he is still drunk and from his recall of his wifes comments, not pleasant to be around.

"she has tired of my drinking, I'm not abusive or violent but I drink too much (at home in the evening) I'm not saying she is wrong in that respect, but IMO it is not intrusive into our lives other than the financial aspect, she says I'm in a bad mood a lot of the time"

In the first post (now quoted above), there is no responsibility taken for his choice of behavior, no acceptance he is part of or a cause of the problem. He might just as well say its all in his wife's pretty little head "IMO it is not intrusive into our lives other than the financial aspect".

I know this is harsh, but denial is what has got him here. He needs to get real about his role in the problem - or admit that rather than take responsibility for any of this and change himself, he would actually prefer to loose his child and wife.

Tough love on here tonight fella. I hope you can take it all in the helpful and supportive spirit in which it's intended.

Have you considered that you might be more [i]efficient[/i] at your job without that amount of alcohol sloshing around your body on a regular basis (let alone the fact that you'll likely be driving above the legal limit too)?

Call up some of your riding buddies tomorrow - and try not to finish the ride at a pub 😉

What difference does it make if its cheap or dear?

ough love on here tonight fella. I hope you can take it all in the helpful and supportive spirit in which it's intended.

Have you considered that you might be more efficient at your job without that amount of alcohol sloshing around your body on a regular basis (let alone the fat that you'll likely be driving above the legal limit too)?

Yep, I need to change.

To choose to change is a brave act. It is also an act of love for your child. Good luck. I wish you all the best.

And Don Simon, do you really think people are more pleasant to deal with when drunk if they have spent even more on the bottles?

And Don Simon, do you really think people are more pleasant to deal with when drunk if they have spent even more on the bottles?

Tennent's drunks are my personal fav.

And Don Simon, do you really think people are more pleasant to deal with when drunk if they have spent even more on the bottles?

have to say I am missing your point also, DS.

have to say I am missing your point also, DS.

I can't believe you girls are fighting amongst yourselves when one of your friends is imploding, poor show guys.

no fight from me, just a question for Mr Cryptic.

Rubbish, I have nothing to add but your never alone!
LiddiardATymailDOTcom if you ever need a chat.

have to say I am missing your point also, DS.

Me too.

I'll let you stew on it and see if you have the ability to come up with an answer. It's not that difficult.

go you.

Good luck, i hope it all turns round for you.

To OP,

Sorry to hear that as I cannot even think how painful that is.

This is what you can do:

1. Let her cool down for few days but keep in touch by speaking to her mother as she will listen to her mother. The mother will soften her stance if you speak nicely to the mother.

2. In the meantime kick your habit, easier said then done, by seeking help to show her that you really mean it. If she does not want to know it does not matter because you really need to kick that habits to think straight.

3. Do not try too hard to think of what you have done or should have done. That's the past and you need to look to the future to salvage your relationship, so try to remain as level headed as possible. Again, Do Not touch anything with alcohol or illegal drugs.

4. Try to recall the time both of you were happy and remind her that you are still happy with her except things have taken for nasty turn recently or few years whatever ...

5. Tell her you need her help and by working together you should be able to pull through return to the happier times.

6. You got to speak sincerely from your heart otherwise she will be gone.

It is a test of your determination now ...

OK IVE READ ALL THESE POSTS AND AM A CYNICAL GIT .

First seek help admit you have a problem ,an old mate who drank to much said the first step is admitting to yourself .Hopefully getting off the booze will improve your mood and your bank balance .Dont get mad with the missus keep calm .Good luck and please dont drown your sorrows and go round her mums bolloxed pleading with her ,cos that wont do any good .Take it steady with a clear head .Good luck

All the moral cockfags on hear make me sick. I say get waisted and hire a hooker. Then go riding in the Alps for a week. The wife can go find some dullard while you be a happy alcoholic with someone more happy go lucky.

Rubbish .
Sorry to read about your problems.
You really have to decide if you want your wife back, and how you are going to achieve this.

It will not be as simple as just stopping drinking.

You will have to change your work ethics, which I fully admire unfortunatly your wife possibly doesnt share the same view.

Can you not employ someone? Or sell part of your business ? Choose not to renew a few contracts, or re-write contracts to offer phone support 7am - 7pm only ?

You might need to limit your biking to a single 2hr midweek ride, and use the other time to do household stuff. Hoovering, cleaning ,ironing etc

Many women feel they never get any time off from looking after their husbands.

You know what to do re the booze.

Start cooking , shopping , tidying alot , and work smarter , not harder .

Try and make some friends . There must be a monthly mtb group ride you can go on, ok will take time but you will meet people.

Book a holiday , even if it is a Center Parks 4 day break .

Switch your phone off .

Do not spend 8pm - 1am pissing around on here/ Ebay. You probably have been emotionally detatched from your misses , they like talking and eye contact apparently.

nb . single and no kids so insert usual stw disclaimer here .

@rubbish: best of luck sir, singletrackmind sort of sums it up for me. Hope you work things out.

What STM says.

Even people saving kid's lives in hospital take time off work. Will the world end if you go on holiday? Me thinks not. I know work is important but it ain't that important.

Good luck.

Rubbish,

You need to understand that your love for alcohol (2 bottles a night is totally excessive) has inmaired your ability to focus on the real world. There is more to life than getting hammered. It doesn't help with stress either, only worsens it.

Your family is the priority so:

Stop drinking. Completely. For now at least. There's help to do so if you so need.

Only then can you reconsider your priorities; you'll be so much of a better family man sober.

You have to do this for yourself; once you've been fair and honest to yourself then you can focus on your family. They will be amazed at the positive change in you, particularly in your ability to deal with your work stressors.

But above all keep positive. Do go for a ride. I'm everyday reminding myself I've only got one shot at all this!!

Good luck.

Woke up at 7am and was still as angry as hell, drove over to her parents to see my daughter, I got angry and aggressive.

Didn't do myself any favours, but what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation, how the hell can anyone expect me to be calm, 24 hours ago I had a family, now nothing.

Didn't do myself any favours, but what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation, how the hell can anyone expect me to be calm, 24 hours ago I had a family, now nothing.

No one expects you to be calm or fine just yet - I guess most people in your situation would act similar. The important thing is to form a plan of how you are going to improve things. Like Don says, we dont know you well enough - you need to speak to someone directly, samaritans? Priest? neighbour?. you may feel that there is no-one to talk to but you have 3 pages of STWers that want to help so people do care.

Work on The Plan. good luck.

All the good stuff has been said above, in my experience he best stuff is the tough love stuff - it ain't easy but, one way or another, you'll get through it. (MrsMM, beta version, turned around just 6 weeks after we were married and said we had make a mistake...hurt like hell at the time, took me a good while to get me head outta my butt but, in hindsight, she was right and I have to thank her for having the strength to say it...)

Best suggestion for now is get out and ride. A long one. (I wish I had done when the above kicked off, i did not, i just festered for months, not good, not at all....hence i'm now repeating the 'go ride' advice from above)
Local, if you think you'll be ok bumping into folk you know (might be for the best - having someone to chat to?)
If you want your own space, throw the bike in the car / van and sod off somewhere, be that a trail centre (ok, you'l to be alone but, you're away) or somewhere you always wanted to ride but not made the time to?

You need space and time to clear start clearing your head (note 'start' - this will not be a quick process) franky so does your wife.

Re: work - i hated my previous job, it was bring us (MrsMM Mk2 and I) down. One day she told me to get my act together and make a change. With her help (marriage is a team sport) i did. Like you I now have my own business, it's far from easy, and, financially, we are a good 5 figures £'s worse off per year but, far, far more wealthy in other ways - that's a long winded way of suggesting you need to make a change and that you need to consider it's much more than £ notes that make life happy. 😉

Oh, don't think Relate has been mentioned?
That could be a thought for you in the coming weeks as, hopefully, things start to mend between you and your wife (and you and yourself - seems you could use a full service and MOT as well).
Chris

Well she turned up with my daughter to collect some clothes etc, I told her that my daughter will stay with me today and overnight, oh boy she didn't like that even saying that she will turn up with the Police.

Anyway I stood my ground, she said she would check on me this evening to make sure I hadnt been drinking, something that never bothered her before when I looked after my daughter when the she was st the gym, out with freinds etc.

I mentioned Relate, she wasn't interested.

she can call the Police but they cannot do anything other than check on safety so make sure you are not pissed tonight just in case.

You both have parental responsibility and there is no court order in place to dictate who has your daughter on which day etc.