[Closed] My wife has left me.

If you do not plan to ditch alcohol entirely then the program described at the link below may help you cut down.

[url= http://www.howtodrinkless.com/index.php ]http://www.howtodrinkless.com/index.php[/url]

Not tried it myself but it has some good reviews.

Good luck - if you can convince your wife you are willing to change you will be in with a chance 🙂

Station Blues

and now she's gone
and I don't worry
cos I'm sitting
on top of the world

Awful thing to happen, but perhaps your wife thought she was left with no option? I'm an optimist, she could have walked out and not let you see your daughter for the last 2 days, but she has, and has talked to you as well.

Before you can fix your marriage you need to start fixing yourself, get help with the booze, but also work out what drove you to booze and working stupid hours, even if your marriage fails you still can't go on as you are.

I hope you can fix your marriage, good luck.

Well done for the sobriety so far, calm communication and self restraint have clearly improved the situation between you two.

Regardless of your relationship as husband and wife, you are a father and this situation will impact on your daughter far more than you realise.

1. As said; something needs to give work wise.
2. Seek medical help for the drink, it's not as simple as just stopping for many people.
3. Keep that temper controlled, respect is quickly lost and takes a long time to recover.
4. Be nice to yourself, there appears to be problems of control and I imagine you don't think the best of yourself which compounds the problems further. You are in control and you can make a difference. I reckon there may be more going on in your head than you realise, counselling may well help address why things have accumulated like this in your life.
5. Listen to your wife, it may be over with the person she was frustrated with 2 days ago but it sounds like you don't like being him either.

It's not going to be easy, but it sounds easier than the lifestyle you've somehow maintained. Keep us posted, you can get through this.

I wish you well and have no experience of your situation (apart from the excess drink and an unpredictable mood), but would like to add what have been the 2 most beneficial changes that I have made to my behaviour that leave me feeling good; a)stopped drinking and got steady, b)started saying yes more to friends, new experiences, opportunities.

You may find as the workload from your job is eased the urge to drink recedes. There are sound reasons why the EU settled on 48 hours for a maximum working week.

Good luck with getting it all sorted and well done for making a start. ( I found starting was the most difficult part with my life problems).

I don't mean to be a smart ass or hurt the OP, I genuinely mean this.

Half the forumers on here are not giving you good advice, I think a lot of you anger issues come from a lack of self esteem. I can see it in the way you talk about a few of your problems. At this vulnerable stage in your life you do not need to be listening to people putting you down, you do have problems but you are NOT a bad person. Your brain just needs some rewiring, you are suffering from chronic stress and anxiety due to the job - it's setting off your fight or flight mechanism (mostly the fight bit). The drinking is compounding this issue. The issues you are having are experienced by millions of people within Europe alone.

You need to see your GP and preferably a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist.

Good luck, hold tight.

Bwaarp ^^^^ is right - seek professional help/advice.

Internet forums can be silly/good.

Stay strong rubbish!

Not much I can say here but I'll post whether it's helpful or a boot in the baws to you ;O) but I know roughly what she must be feeling at times with the drinking every night/every other night.My bro used to drink a lot years ago and I dreaded it. I lost the plot one night and went off at him. Was sick of it.

She's had enough. Bolted. Not sure if she had or has gone off at you in the past or kept it in for too long (17 years?) but she's left. Ugh.

You say you had one week off in all that time with a few days here and there. You must sleep tensed up. Possibly frowning in your sleep. You need to realize that losing a bit of income on those days you have off add up to nothing each year. You need to take holidays. Something to look forward to. Time to relax the muscles and drain your mind from work evil. It's something that will clear your head for all of this and make you a healthier person amongst a hundred other things. The nice house and nice cars are.. nice,but not needed. What kind of car would you be downgrading to with the amount lost over 3 weeks holidays? Not really an issue right now but it all comes back down to why you must start taking holidays. It's only just dawned on me that as a couple,you have never been on holiday in 17 years..and as a family with your daughter,never been on holiday. How much would you lose out on a year by taking three weeks off? How big a deal is that when you look at the profit each year in the business? With a clearer head after three weeks off a year,you might start working a lot more efficiently too. BONUS!

Getting off the drink is one thing,sorting it out with family is another.. but you need to start taking time off or you'll end up with serious probs.Are you managing to do anything at work right now or would you agree that its pretty much a waste of time? Keep away from it for a few days and get the important stuff sorted out. I know you might say 'but my work IS important' but nowhere near as important as stopping a heart attack in its tracks.

Good luck.

I'm not sure if there's anything helpful that I can add..
I had a massive drink problem for years, which I have managed to overcome, but I drank for the sheer hell of it and had few responsibilities financially or emotionally..

It's a tough challenge though, and what Martinxyz has written above is fundamental I think.. because if you are going to undertake the challenge, you will have to work very hard to find a good and healthy balance between self discipline and being gentle and kind and compassionate to yourself..

Managed to get off to sleep at about 3am although I think I was drowsing before hand darkness was difficult when I shut my eyes all I could think about / see were my wife and daughter, woke up at 6.30am, a moment of crushing reality hit and I felt a very strong feeling of panic, realising that after this morning I won't see my daughter for over a week, I will see my wife a couple of times through work related issues.

However one good thing I have is clarity, no hangover although desperate inside I'm thinking quite clearly, I've even had work calls this morning whilst I moaned at the phone ringing but I felt on top of the problem I had to deal with solved it, did the washing up and made a cup of tea, even dusted some furniture as I don't want my wife to think I'm going to let the house go to ruin.

Psychological help is the way forward here, as above I think I have a self esteem problem maybe even self destructive, I need to find out why.

I want to sit down with my wife and tell her all this when she arrives this morning but I don't want to feel I'm trying to badger her, she already knows I was sober last night as did my mum who burst into tears when I told her I had poured the last bottle of wine down the sink.

Re the time off work, sadly that just can't happen for now.

Here's to another day, sorry for off loading on here but it really is helping.

good luck this morning.

Sounds like you may have already passed rock bottom. Good luck for the journey ahead - hope it leads to good places. Go for a ride today - its a lovely day no matter what else you have going on.

Yeah. I have no advice to offer, but good luck. I wish u all the best with this.

Go for a ride today - its a lovely day no matter what else you have going on.

Part of me wants to, part of me doesn't also I have hardly eaten since Friday so I don't think I will have the energy, I'm also likely to be massively dehydrated.

I have hardly eaten since Friday so I don't think I will have the energy, I'm also likely to be massively dehydrated

Heh, a full English would be hard to eat at the best of times! I've had a couple of digestives and 3 cups of tea so far today, about all I can manage at the moment.

Does anyone know what the procedure will be with the Doctor? I don't think I need medical assistance to kick the drink I'm not having any physical problems, but will he refer me to an Psychiatrist? What else will happen? What question can I expect?

A Prof-fate says, get out on the bike and get the endorphins flowing.
Just get out of the house and outside (natures a good soother). Go for an easy pootle, take some food and just see where it takes you.

Mate, tbh I cannot and would not even like to imagine what you are going through, and therefore feel it would be wrong of me to give you any advice whatsoever.

However I have been reading this with interest, and I do feel for you. But despite the fact I've never met you before I must say reading your post about not drinking last night etc made me feel quite proud of you. You've made the first step, just keep at it.

Good luck today.
As others have said, a ride could clear your head a bit. But if you're struggling with motivation, at least get out the house and go for a walk. A bit of fresh air and sun will really do you good.
Again, good luck.

Bwaarp speaks a lot of help - professional help will really make a difference. However it seems you have started to take some big steps in the last 24 hours - admitting you have problems is a massive one! Carry on, stay as calm as you can and get through the days one by one. With effort things will start to change for the better.

Oh and go for a ride if you can - the outdoors can improve your perspective...

Take care,

J

Chin up Rubbish..onwards and upwards n'everything n'all that, not for the same reasons, but I gave up drinking a while ago, and after a bit you'll sleep better, feel better, think better..
Good luck... 🙂

Wow. Good luck to you I hope all this turns out well for you. Only immediate advice I can give you is get some healthy food down you - fruit and veg, some pasta, salmon etc. Small portions if you can't face eating. Give your body and brain the vitamins and energy they need right now. I had a stressful time at work a year ago and eating healthily was the most difficult thing but I also found that when I didn't I found it harder to sort out the solution, harder to relax, harder to sleep (i got another job by the way). I'm a big fan of fruit and veg to stay healthy - I sometimes take flak for eating a broccoli for breakfast when I feel run down!

Best of luck to you mate.

All the best with this mate, really feel for you. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I had poured the last bottle of wine down the sink.

Give yourself some credit mate for what you've managed to do in the last couple of days. Sounds like you're well on the way to me.

Pedalling will probably help - amazing how a couple of hours in the saddle can take you somewhere else.

Re working hard ,holidays and time off.The positive side of packing in the booze is on 2 bottles of plonk a day you spend about 60/70 quid a week on booze .Put it away somewhere ,thats a bloody good FAMILY (hopefully) holiday in quite a short time .Good luck

Exercise of any sort will make you feel a lot better.

I currently have my daughter with me, we've been to the park on the swings so I've had some fresh air, she is at that age where she is asking questions of everything 'what's that noise?' etc at every little sound and thing she sees, it was lovely having a conversion with her without my head being clouded by a night on the booze.

My wife has gone to the local gym for an hour and has agreed to come back and listen to what I have to say, the temptation is to get carried away and say look at me I'm better come back to me, but I know this would be a bloody daft thing to do as I still have a journey in front of me and some demons to fight before anyone will believe me, I think she may also stay for lunch, which will be great anyway it's a bit stupid using petrol driving between her parents and here all day.

Thanks for all your supportive words they have been great, please keep them coming even the tough love ones!

BTW I'm not sure if I've said in on here so far (turning into a bit of a long thread), But hello I'm rubbish, I'm an alcoholic.

@rubbish, very sorry to hear this. There can be a positive outcome.

You might not think your drinking is a problem but your wife certainly does (and most likely your daughter too) and that's what counts here.

You need to understand this is a very big wake up call. Get the professional advice and help you need and make some permanent changes. Let your wife know you are doing this for the sake of you all, her, your daughter and yourself. Don't ask her to come back until you have made some very solid progress.

Edit: I've just seen your post, that's progress and so positive to hear but please don't underestimate how hard this will be

Good luck,your last post sounded more positive,think you can fix this,just take time, patience,communication and no booze.

Well we had a calm conversation, but it was a two way rather than me telling her what I was doing and her listening, she still maintains that this is it and it's over, I didn't entice her to say this again but I have told her that I'm not giving up with us yet as I need this as part of my recovery she warned me not to badger her about it otherwise she will back away.

The sad thing is I'm starting to realise that I think she has gone for good, everyday is going to be a very long day.

una salus victis nullam sperare salutem

Oh I still have hope, but the legal proceedings are in place already, I don't think I have much time.

Hold on to that hope, dont allow the negative side to take over.
You sound like you have made a lot of positive steps already, from reading this thread from the start I am impressed by how quickly you have made some difficult decisions already. If it helps to sort things out in your head, keep venting/discussing on here.

+1 for the bike ride idea, you must be mentally exhausted from dealing with this, give yourself a break by dodging rocks and picking lines 🙂

keep it up Rubbish.

Mate . ive been through this Twice ... not my doing ... ive since met a wonderfull lady and we are happy . its really tough going from seeing your kids every day to a couple of days every other weekend , as i know . you will get through it. Trust Me!

+1 for the bike ride idea, you must be mentally exhausted from dealing with this,

Yes I am to a degree, but mentally I'm struggling with the idea of a riding at the moment, I may go for a walk later when my daughter has gone, seemed to work well yesterday.

Hugely well done so far - it's like the road race again and everyone is behind you 🙂

Just a slight warning on the 'professional' help. I've also seen problems caused by such help and seen these folks in exactly the same mess. Remember that in the end it is you that is in control and who chooses your direction (which is what you are doing now)

Also, the legal stuff isn't necessarily the end. I have two sets of friends who went the whole divorce route and got back together again. It's not common but not impossible either. Focus on the cause (drink/self esteem) rather than the symptoms (the split up).

Looking at the broader picture, we will have to sell the house if the worse does happen, which is fine there is a fair chunk of equity in it, not enough for me to buy a house and in my mid 40's what am I going to do, guess I'd have to rent and invest the money.

Maybe best not to think of that at the moment.

OK MATE JUST READ ON PLEASE for your own sake! I don't usually break my anonymity but 25 years ago when I had 4 kids at home I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol. Every time I had just one drink it led to another and another and ..........
My kids and my home were chaos and I felt suicidal. I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous (It's in the phone book and on the internet). A lady came to see me and although I have had to take all the shit that life brings on life's terms I have a great life today. I worked a 12 step programme and still do. I have watched my kids grow up and have 4 lovely grandchildren. It hasn't all been plain sailing, I lost my partner 5 years ago and 7 years ago my eldest son committed suicide (HE WAS ALCOHOLIC). AA taught me that I didn't have to drink no matter what happened to me and I can honestly say that this is a programme that works if you want it and want to work it.

I am now 62 and still riding MTB's because I am lucky enough to have got my fitness back without permanent damage from the booze and enjoying teaching grandchildren to ride. I have been able to have a career and a lot of great people in my life.

If you want to email me privately then use the mail in my profile. You are no good to your family as a drunk and more importantly, no good to yourself. There really is light at the end of the tunnel mate. You just have to ask for help and ACCEPT IT. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous online and phone someone today. There is always help from people who have been through this and understand.

Don't pick up the first drink today then you probably wont want the next one that will lead to the 2 bottles a day.

GOOD LUCK X

Since I posted last night you've improved further! It's really positive that you still have access and time with your daughter. The communication with your wife sounds like it is improving a lot despite the emotions you must be feeling (and expressed the other day).

In terms of medical help, (which sounds vague and a bit intimidating) therapy is seeming a strong candidate. If you can control yourself enough to have stopped; which is brilliant, then talking about this is the following solution. My partner is undergoing CBT for her anxiety; she experienced abuse as a child and has self esteem issues (to swiftly put it in a nutshell). She says it's really helping so far, together they are looking at what can be changed in the future and actively breaking down the barriers at present. She even has homework! This is on the NHS by the way.

CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) assesses the psychological problems and helps find solutions but also addresses the behavioural patterns and similarly works to resolve these. A singular cognitive or behavioural approach tends to fall down due to a lack of addressing the other. What we think and what we do are quite different at times.

Keep it up, you're doing well 🙂

One thing she did say this morning and I'm not sure how to read into it, I did say to her that I presumed that she thought I would turn into an alcoholic mess over the weeknd, she replied well it would have given me more ammuntion, ammuntion? I've taked both barrells in the vital organs what more could she want?

Perhaps it would justfiy her actions further? and if she needs further justification perhaps there is still a glimmer in there that isn't sure.

Sorry I'm rambling.

rubbish - Member
One thing she did say this morning and I'm not sure how to read into it, I did say to her that I presumed that she thought I would turn into an alcoholic mess over the weeknd, she replied well it would have given me more ammuntion, ammuntion? I've taked both barrells in the vital organs what more could she want?

Perhaps it would justfiy her actions further? and if she needs further justification perhaps there is still a glimmer in there that isn't sure.

Sorry I'm rambling.

That sounds to me like it's Ammo for the divorce court and lawyer mate.

TBH it sounds to me like you need to give the wife a couple of days without communication. Give her a bit of space and let things cool down a bit.

However if i'm honest, it's not looking good fella i'm afraid.

And whilst I'm rambling, over the past couple of months or so there has been a change in her behavior I realised this way before Friday, I haven't mentioned this so far as I'm not sure I am addding it up correctly.

1.She spends a lot of time texting on her phone, this isn't necessarily a new thing but it has increased.

2. She has been late a lot recently, this is unusual

3. Whilst I've been out riding she has been out a couple of times that I know of and has been out for far too long (always dressed nicely) for instance last week she spent over two hours buying wellies for our daughter!

I know from experience that this is classic indications someone is up to something, what do you think?

I have asked her directly if she is having an affair and she has said no, but this morning when she came back from the Gym she said that she has to go and do some errands for her Father, but she grabbed what looked like a change of clothes, and she admitted she was getting knickers, thing is she took a load of stuff yesterday, this looks to me that she is getting changed somewhere else other than her parents.

I should add that if her parents found out she was having an affair, their support would decrease considerably.