MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
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Milkman delivers a 4 pint plastic bottle early mornings.
Twice now in the last fortnight it's been gone by the time we open the door at about 7am.
My first thought was:
Get milkman to leave milk out of sight around the side of the house.
Carefully remove tamperproof top from a milkbottle.
Remove contents. Swill some white paint around inside surface.
Add dog s#1t and top up with liquid.
Refit tamperproof top and hope that said thief gets as far as his morning cuppa.
Following extensive psychological profiling etc, we've concluded that the prime suspect is likely to be someone on way to work on the nearby industrial estate.
Any other suggestions short of semtex and a mercury tilt switch would be welcome.
picolax
+1 for picolax
maybe a neighbour who gets woken up by milkman at 4am every morning and has had enough.... (do you live on my street?) 😉
oo, picolax, that's a good start, but would need milk to stay fresh for a while as we don't know when he'll strike again.
Another Picolax vote
oo, picolax, that's a good start, but would need milk to stay fresh for a while as we don't know when he'll strike again.
I think it's worth the investment.
Buy a bottle, leave it a few weeks to go off, then leave it out for the thief.
Too little impact/return on investment johndoh
Needs to be a stealth strike - after all, he does know where you live...
If it's only a couple of times a fortnight, and a four pint bottle, then your retribution is probably going to be inflicted on an entire workplace, not just the guilty individual concerned.
(And the trouble with Picolax, of course, is getting the dose right - a cuppa's worth of milk won't have enough in it, and you can't up the amount in case he drinks the lot!)
Just leave a note where the milk usually is saying "Milk thief, smile - you're on CCTV". When he looks up, jump off the roof ninja style (where obviously you've been camping out for a fortnight waiting for him) and chop both his hands off. I think that would qualify as proportional.
If it's only a couple of times a fortnight, and a four pint bottle, then your retribution is probably going to be inflicted on an entire workplace, not just the guilty individual concerned.
I can live with that. Handlin' stolen goods innit 😉
Needs to be a stealth strike - after all, he does know where you live...
This was the Mrs' word of caution, and why I'm drawn to the picolax idea.
The note (left under the bottle) could also ask him if he enjoyed the milk you pissed in last week.
you can't up the amount in case he drinks the lot
I'm sure I could live with that too.
Subcontract the mission to a crack CIA wet*-ops team.
* they must do milk hits.
Too subtleThe note (left under the bottle) could also ask him if he enjoyed the milk you pissed in last week.
+1000 Picolax
I'd have taken laxatizing the whole workplace as a plus.
Then not only will the villain be pooped out to the eyeballs. But they'll suffer the wrath of their colleagues.
Subcontract the mission to a crack CIA wet*-ops team
Nah, collaboration = weak link. I operate alone.
OP, you must keep this thread alive.
I'm going to settle in for the long run. Although I'm not in the mood for biccys.
[url= http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8122/8692724420_7444574d3c.jp g" target="_blank">
[url= http://www.flickr.com/photos/90886684@N03/8692724420/ ]image[/url] by [url= http://www.flickr.com/people/90886684@N03/ ]piemonster[/url], on Flickr
It's OK, I looked it up out of interest, and apparently overdosing isn't particularly harmful, as it isn't actually absorbed by the bowel - it just magnifies the 'cleansing' effect.
Bit of dehydration perhaps, so if you leave out a bottle of mineral water and some bog roll alongside the four-pinter then your conscience, and his lower intestine, will be pristinely clear.
If it's only a couple of times a fortnight, and a four pint bottle, then your retribution is probably going to be inflicted on an entire workplace, not just the guilty individual concerned.
Picolax it is then!
I'm with you on that one piemonster.I'd have taken laxatizing the whole workplace as a plus.Then not only will the villain be pooped out to the eyeballs. But they'll suffer the wrath of their colleagues.
romans/5-12.
Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned--. King James Bible ...
substitute it for soya milk that stuff is nasty
or picolax in uht so it will last
What if he's nicking it for his family? Could be a child's faeces...
which might prove difficult on the basis that this is possibly the first thread where the STW hivemind are indeed as one.OP, you must keep this thread alive.
LOL at martinhutch!
Problem is if you do something horrible to the milk and he realises this, there is nothing stopping him from doing something horrible back.
Best option is to ask the milkman to put the milk in a different place.
Could be a child's faeces...
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hmm, yep, that's good. I guess I could also inject through the bottle in liquid form, so as not to expose to atmosphere.picolax in uht so it will last
Plan coming together nicely I feel.
Now, where to get PIcolax in large quantaties?
Where's DrP when you need him?
[url= http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/CITROFLEET-PICOLAX-EXTRA-STRONG-LAXATIVE-X-2-SACHETS-FREE-POSTAGE-/310607761408?pt=UK_Health_Beauty_Over_The_CounterMedicine_CA ]You can get it off ebay :D[/url]
You can get it off ebay
That looks a bit shit, to be honest...
You can get it off ebayThat looks a bit shit, to be honest...
Groan... with a smirk.
If I was being all responsible, I guess I could try a phased approach.
Phase 1. [url= http://www.bitrex.com/en-us/about-bitrex ]Bitrex[/url] sounds promising.
Phase 2. Picolax
Phase 3. ???
Do what a local farm did when someone was taking eggs rather than putting money in the honesty box - fit up a small, motion sensitive camera, get the culprit on film and have them prosecuted for theft.
Or make up a dogshit trip mine.
Needs to be a stealth strike - after all, he does know where you live...
Ricin, then?
...trip mine
nah, needs to be activated by moving the bottle, can't afford the negative publicity associated with potential collateral damage.
Liquid viagra maybe even more entertaining.
You can get it off ebay
Dear god...
You live up to your name Dark Side.Liquid viagra maybe even more entertaining
[url= http://www.henrykrank.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=2964 ]THIS[/url] looks like it has potential too. 😉
Milkman delivers a 4 pint plastic bottle early mornings.
But somedays he CBA and so doesn't bother, relying on the fact that you will just pressume it's been stolen therefore saving himself time and money in the process 😉
I went to a have a look round a farmer's barn in a previous job. He'd been having trouble with pikies so rigged up a trip wire connected to an emptied shotgun cartridge.
Unfortunately he declined to disarm it before we went into the barn. Bloody hell, I'd have won the Olympic high jump that morning!
Cheers,
Jamie
Used to happen to us too. No crime in the area and yet our milk deliveries would go missing. Couldn't decide if it was a thief or the milky couldn't be arsed, so cancelled deliveries and bought milk (cheaper) from the shop instead. How we laughed at our revenge.
(Wish I'd thought of the laxative idea to be honest 🙂 )
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http://lifehacker.com/5233052/motion-detection-is-an-effective-dead-simple-security-camera-app
Put picture of thief where it's easily visible as he approaches, with the following wording "milk thieves will be reported to the police".
[img] http://images.philips.com/is/image/PhilipsConsumer/F400019236-FIL-global-001?size=284,160&align=-1,-1&$jpglarge$ [/img]
Sourcing 4 pints might be an issue so...
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Loop it through the staple, leave it unlocked & get the milkman to pop it through the handle & snap it shut.
If it happens every time it's delivered I'd just get up early, keep an eye out and confront the person. They'd probably wither with embarassment - that or punch you in the chops. Either way, you'd know who was doing it.
Keep a camera handy and get a nice snap of them too.....
Is this a bit cynical...
The benefit is he'll probably forget where he got the milk from and he'll be easy to spot as the chap in the middle of the pavement face-down covered in 'milk'
Hook the bottle up so it sets off a rook scarer...that'll make him jump!
Is it not even a certain day of the week?
tie the handle of the milk to a rape alarm (preferably a multi tone one) using fishing wire, and hide sound activated disco lights in all windows of the house.
The neighbours will hate you but I'm pretty sure the theft would stop.
If all else fails go to the shop and buy it yourself, you might save some money in the process and you'll definitely save your milk . . . 😉
If all else fails go to the shop and buy it yourself, you might save some money in the process and you'll definitely save your milk . . .
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Picolax them. Picolax them hard.
Initial thoughts were Piccolax, but you wouldn't get to see the results.
It would be nice to rig something up to scare the crap out of him/her, but you've got to get it on film. That sort of stuff goes viral (or at least would get you £250 on You've Been Framed!).
You don't want to leave yourself open to possible prosecution.
So just make sure you don't leave them alive.
Poacher alarm - basically a blank shotgun cartridge with a firing pin rigged up to a trip wire. You can buy them from most gun shops or from fleabay etc..........
natrix - Member
Poacher alarm - basically a blank shotgun cartridge with a firing pin rigged up to a trip wire. You can buy them from most gun shops or from fleabay etc..........
As up there ^^^
Cheers,
Jamie
What do you think the combined effect of picolax and that phenibut tranquiliser might be, besides "messy"?
... although I'd rather not get close enough to witness the combined effect of picolax and that poacher alarm.
Leon liked milk. He'd take on the hit.
Might as well lob the viagra in as well as the above..
wysiwig, I've always wanted to hand someone a big pile of handgrenade pins.
I know a freindly vet, how about a ketamine and picolax cocktail ? 🙂
TBH the rape alarm and fishing line sounds like the best option - not harmful but will give the thief a shock and make him reaslise he's been rumbled.
So, a cocktail of sleep inducer, penis hardener* and stool softener. I like where this thread has gone!
*What happens if it's a woman?
oh, I forgot to mention that there's a canopy over the front door from which I could always rig up something to drop.
make him reaslise he's been rumbled
If he gets picolax'd then he will be the one doing the rumbling... Assuming its a he, of course.
Dig a big pit, fill with sharpened bamboo spikes, cover with palm leaves.
Make sure you let the milkman know about it though!
oh, I forgot to mention that there's a canopy over the front door from which I could always rig up something to drop.
This thread gets better every minute.
[i]Excellent work [/i] 🙂
What happens if it's a woman?
They will go to sleep, deficate themselves, but not get an erection.
Can't win 'em all!
PICOLAX! PICOLAX! PICOLAX!
why don't you add your own double cream?
That's a win/win.......
picolax and a 007-style GPS transponder so you can find where they've gone!
Please send your unwanted picolax to....
picolax and a 007-style GPS transponder so you can find where they've gone
I think I can guess where they might have gone...
Hey thats a first. I'd never experienced the infamous double post glitch first hand
You could of course just leave a lockable box on the doorstep, screwed down, and leave it open with a note to the milkie to drop in the bottles then lock it.
Do you have neighbours, and do they have milk delivered, too? A clever thief will be alternating his targets to evade capture.
Therefore, whatever you decide to do to taint your milk, you will need to replicate with your neighbours' milk.
Should work but blocked by work. Alarm mine
what if it's a cat? they like milk.
what if the cat drinks the picoshake?
what if that cat also likes to poop in your shrubbery
you could be hoisted by your own petard
If the stolen milk is shared at a workplace, there is the possibility that more people are affected than there are toilets.....