Feels a bit weird posting this but not sure where else to go and admired others who have come here for advice and those who have honourably given it.
Not going into too much detail my daughter has recently found out her live in boyfriend of 5 years (she's 23 so been with him since starting University) has been cheating on her. Proud to say that she has chucked him out but despite that she is obviously heart broken. The sod has just accepted it and hasn't made any effort to explain himself or even apologise. She's done absolutely everything for him during the relationship including providing financial and practical support.
At the moment she is in a state of shock and bereavement for the relationship. It's all made even worse as she has mental health problems (bipolar) and in the past has self harmed and even taken an overdose. She also lives hundreds of miles away from me and my wife so is pretty much on her own without him.
We are trying to spend time with her but obviously have work ourselves and not sure it would be right to be with her all the time (or would it?).
Only a few days in an understandably doesn't seem much we can do or say that will help, other than all cliches about it taking time and eventually things will improve.
I'm gutted for her and just feel useless and really scared she may do something silly. She already has a counsellor and is seeing them tomorrow but she already knows what they are likely to say and that it wont really help her.
I know there isn't a solution as much as I want to give one. No one here will have answers but if anyone has been through similar experiences and can offer any advice on what I can say or do (or probably more important for me shouldn't say or do!) then would appreciate it.
Time.
I'll tell you what not to do, though, and that's say something along the lines of 'whatever we can do to help, we will'. It's well-meaning but ultimately useless as it's putting pressure on an already-upset person to think of a way someone can help them. Just do the thing - turn up with a couple of batch cooked meals, or cinema tickets, clean her bathroom mirror, whatever. Support that's practical is worth its weight in gold when you're at your lowest ebb.
Time is indeed the greatest healer. You can't truly beat it ime. Yes, meeting someone new can feel great but there's still the baggage to be dealt with at some point.
I'm sure I once read on here many moons ago that getting over a relationship takes a week for every month the relationship lasted. Now it may or may not be true but it does give a sense of calm in my experience that things are going to take some time to properly heal, and that alone allows you to feel ok about everything being a bit shit just now.
As a advocate of counselling I would never assume to know what a counsellor was going to say. In any event, it is quite often the way they say it, or at least their reaction to an event or scenario that is most helpful.
If your daughter is still open to a CMHT, and with her consent, let them know of the situation to best monitor and be in a position to support if so required.
Go and see her and give her a massive hug. Sod work.
I'm with misteralz, turn up and be there unless there's a strong refusal, does your employer do compasionate unpaid leave? You ask "or would it?" if she's happier when you're there, be there, it's only a few hundred miles. We all have lives where we're trying to keep several balls up in the air at the same time, sometimes it's best to drop all but one. Would she like some time back home?
We here have no idea of the relationship you and your wife have with your daughter. She's talking to you and reading between the lines the relationship is good. Seems like she'd appreciate your presence.
I was at a New Years Eve party and noted one friend wasn't drinking as much as usual. Then he had the phone call he'd been half expecting from his daughter who'd recently been ditched. He upped and left to spend the New Year with her.
As for the guy, I'd avoid running him down too much, he was her choice for five years and what worked in a uni setting hasn't survived the transition. Been there done that and the separation was as amicable as it was ever going to be.
I dont have any advice I'm afraid just lots of encouragement. You clearly love her very much which I am sure will make a massive difference.
Best of luck to you all.
It's all made even worse as she has mental health problems (bipolar) and in the past has self harmed and even taken an overdose.
It’s good your daughter has a counsellor, do they recognise the start of a manic or depressive phase? As she has this diagnosis, along with past history, I think it’s worth someone who knows what any trigger signs Look like for your daughter to be in regular contact, just in case. Either you/ your wife on the phone or in person, or a friend in her support network maybe?
If it were my kid my first thought would be she needs to come back home.
I know there isn't a solution as much as I want to give one. No one here will have answers but if anyone has been through similar experiences and can offer any advice on what I can say or do (or probably more important for me shouldn't say or do!) then would appreciate it.
Yeah it's that sense of hopelessness watching someone you care for deeply suffering and feeling unable to do anything to help. I would imagine that her bipolar diagnosis complicates matters significantly but presumably you have experience with how to deal with that side of things.
On the issue of loss, time, as has been already mentioned, is indeed the great healer. The problem is that time isn't much use to you and her right now! Right now I would focus of trying to emphasis that you understand exactly how she feels and what she is going through (even if you don't entirely!) and also how it is a devastating although a completely normal thing which only a few lucky people are spared.
It is interesting that you use the term "bereavement for the relationship" because it is precisely that. In fact people who have been through both, ie lost a partner through death and lost a partner due to them leaving for someone else, often claim that the latter causes more pain. So if you haven't personally been through it yourself don't underestimate just devastating the betrayal can be.
The other thing that I would do right now is to try to keep her as busy and distracted as possible even though she won't feel like wanting to do stuff. Going out with her friends and family, to the pictures, swimming, walks, the pub (but definitely definitely no alcohol!) cycling, etc. Anything that keeps her busy and physically active, and not alone, will help imo.
Good luck 🤞
Thanks everyone, appreciate the comments and support.
We did bring her home for a couple of days and I am now staying with her for a bit at her house - good reminders above that I don't know why I was really worrying about work when far more important things.
Really hard not knowing what to do for the best - the 'fixer' in me really wants to try and help her see things will move on and that eventually she will need to return to things like work and being on her own in the house etc. That last bit will be the toughest as she does struggle on her own and needs companionship. She also seems to 'need' to be in a relationship so that's going to be tough. I suppose she will have to make some longer term decisions at a later point about what she wants to do but that's not for now.
Just hope that by showing her we love and care for her that she eventually gets through it all.
Time and a listening ear are all we have and all your daughter needs. I hope that her equilibrium returns as quickly as possible. I'm also a drop everything dad when a child (both in their 30's) need helping.
Does she have a network of friends that can support when you arent there?
Just to echo others, time is the healer. But that doesnt help right now, when its so raw and painful.
Sending her positive vibes. And remind her, no one ever died from a broken heart, it will get better.
And on a personal note, what a bellend the ex is. I dont get why people cheat. If you arent happy, do the right thing and end it.
Does she have a network of friends that can support when you arent there?
Unfortunately not, she stayed in the area post Uni when most of her friends moved away so only really has one close friend. Also her and the ex were very tight so didn't really expand friendship group beyond his family who are local. So that makes risk of her feeling isolated, sad and lonely even worse 😪
She's 23 and coming out of what I assume is her first serious relationship. What's going through her head right now is that she's worthless and will spend the rest of her life being alone, he was the one and no-one else will ever love her.
If it were me I'd suggest she needs to get laid as soon as possible. I hear there's an app for that these days. I'd also suggest that you don't follow my advice. 😁
Good luck. Take ice cream.
I don't have much to add other than echo what some others have said, would a dog or some other pet help with the need for companionship?
She's not John Wick.
Seriously, I get the sentiment, but if someone got me a pet after a big emotional event it'd be off to the pound the very same day. There's distraction, and there's more responsibility that I probably wouldn't have the emotional capacity for. Although I accept that everyone is different.
Buying her (or indeed anyone) a dog unsolicited makes my suggestion sound sensible.
I'm not sure I'd say the dog idea is worse than your suggestion actually Cougar and in fact the sentiment of getting laid is probably one of the poorest pieces of advice! So not only has somebody cheated on her she's now only worth a quick lay too?!
Then again I think that just backs up my reply of what works for one wont work for the other and that it's hard to advise what will help being as we're not in your family and dont know the dynamics. All I can say is what I've found helpful previously and what I would want from my amazing parents given I was once again in the situation of someone saying they've had enough of me.
Stay and visit as much as you can and do normal activities and encourage her to do some normal activies, go for a walk together and show her that keeping active will make her feel better. Are there things she enjoys doing without him or before him, perhaps encourage her to get back into them.
Positive afirmations about how much she's worth and how she's better off, they wont make her feel instantly better but it'll slowly but surely chip away at her hurt and pain. If nothing else it'll just make her realise how much you love her and care about her wellbeing. Encourage her to talk about it but make sure you find the line between getting things off her chest and just wallowing in it.
I wasn't suggesting that the op should just turn up with a dog, it would be something that would have to be done together even if his daughter felt it was something she might want to consider, owning an animal is a big commitment and not something to be entered into lightly.
Thanks all, rest assured I wont be buying her a dog (she would actually love one but not what she needs now and cant have one in the rented accommodation anyhow!) and certainly NOT suggesting Cougars idea! Although I know both are well intended 🙂
I can't really add a lot to the mostly great advice.
You sound like wonderful, kind, caring parents and she'll surely know that you are there for her.
It's so important to know that she is still young and one's first love is always hard to get over, but over it she will get. It may take months or even years. One day she can look back and see he wasn't right for her.
Being alone is going to be hard especially over the festive period. Does she have any friends still from her childhood (where you are now) to try and meet up with?
I hope she does give herself time and doesn't go on the 'rebound'.
Good luck.
As others have said, time. I’ve heard it said that broken bones heal back stronger than they were before the break, I think it’s the same for broken hearts. She will almost certainly look back and realise what a lucky escape she’s had, and she will learn something about herself, she’ll be wiser and more resilient.
All that said, it will be next to zero consolation in the short to medium term, fortunately for her she’s clearly got a top drawer Dad, the one bloke she will always be able to depend upon!
I'm not sure I'd say the dog idea is worse than your suggestion actually Cougar and in fact the sentiment of getting laid is probably one of the poorest pieces of advice! So not only has somebody cheated on her she's now only worth a quick lay too?!
Again, I may not have been entirely serious. I hoped that was obvious from the tone of the post, I guess not. Sorry.
Joking aside though. Getting someone an animal as an unsolicited gift is a terrible idea whatever the circumstances, and discussing it with someone who's emotionally compromised as a 'fix' isn't much better. It's not like the recipient can send it back if they don't like the colour or when the novelty wears off, it's a life-altering commitment for a couple of decades that you're making on behalf of someone else. You should only do it if you're prepared to take it on yourself should it be unwanted, and even then it's probably an ill-conceived idea unless you really wanted a dog yourself (and in which case, get one yourself).
She' probably not feeling philosophical about it at present so this isn't advice, just observation. You (one) learn(s) something from every relationship: what pleases, what displeases, what you'll put up with and what you won't. This can make you demanding as you want all the good things you've enjoyed and become less tolerant of the annoying crap. Somwhere there's a compromise and hopefully someone out there that's your Jack or Jill and it clicks. Some things rarely go together IME experience - a partner that goes out of their way to attention serek looking/acting hot is less likely to be happy with just one partner. Someone needy would be unwise to choose somone selfish with time and energy demanding ambitions.
So far from Cougar's amusing (it was) out of the frying pan and into the fire suggestion I hope your daughter can learn from this, not in an "all men are pigs" way, but what she's looking for and where she might meet that kind of person. She needs somone that needs somone like her and she needs to know what sort of person that is. I was amused to read an article a while back on the average number of partners people had before they met their match and that I was boringly average.
Keep us posted, Rockbus, I can't think of anything to add beyond what you've done and are doing.
The fixer in me would be visiting, doing the cooking and cleaning and generally making sure she’s cared for on a practical basis The fixer in Mrs TiRed would be doing the “emotionals” side of the caring. Practical help and a few trips out would be my suggestion. Sounds like you’re on that watch already.
Listening is helping, you don't need to offer solutions.
One thing that I find that people find helpful when struggling with dysfunctional relationships is naming behaviours rather than telling people what to do. IE in your daughter's case I'd support her in thinking that being unfaithful is wrong. A phrase that I often use is "that sounds wrong to me".
Other than that, be there for her when she needs you and check in with her regularly.