[Closed] help/advice for coping..

1) Believe in yourself
2) Don't base your self esteem on what other people think. You know your good qualities, focus on those
3) We're more resiliant than we think

I spent 30 odd years being depressed on and off, not even realising what it was. It's a big waste of time & life.
I've been in the same situation, more than once.

I can't offer an insight or advice but I can hope you get your head around this and dont get taken down too far by it. I'm fairly sure that there's very little anyone can tell you that'll help, but chatting about it will help for sure. I'm sure you're aware that it probably has nothing whatsoever to do with anything you've done and that sometimes people just grow apart, but that doesnt help much. I think if I were you I'd try to bury myself in the Uni work and use that as a distraction, while finding an MSN mate to moan to, even if you don't know them that well - the anonymity might help you say things you wouldnt to a friend or family member? I'd offer an MSN ear but I can't always be available at fixed times.

You're going through a type of bereavemnt.

Try not to see the ex. if possible. You need space and time to collect thoughts together.

Cry, it's really great to have a good wail.

Have you a really close girlfriend to talk to, who has been through something similar?

Good luck. Time is a healer. You will get through this.

Also Simon ^^^ has some really good points.

Well you just broke up with someone - so it will hurt whether you have had previous episodes of depression, or not. I guess you are worrying that this may begin another depressive episode.

Yes, your tendencies may still be there, but suspect it will be different this time. You are a different person now.

Do something about the isolation (you must be uptight if your posting in here). Mums worry anyway and I'm sure she'd prefer that you shared your experiences with her than bottle it up. [b]Do keep trying to get hold of your counsellor.[/b] Do mention to it to your uni mentor and explain what you are doing to cope and for them to keep an eye on you (they also have a duty of care).

Oh and do find someone to cycling with regularly. Exercise and being outside does wonders for distracting me from emotional upset and regulating my mood.

Best of luck, and don't worry about posting on here during this tricky time. Just do it.

1. I suspect he's wrong and, iun time, he'll have realised what a terrible mistake he's made. Men are weirtd like this - don't ever believe that don't get all hormonal as well.

2. though you think it, you've no reason to doubt yourself. Try to think of it like this: jyst because one person can't see your qualities all the time, it doesn't mean that (a) no-one else can and (b) you can't.

3. If you can't get hold of your usual counsellor, you do need to sopeak to someone else, whether they're your GP or a university counsellor (or one out of the phone book). If you know that counselling work sofor you, don't be afraid to reach oiut to another branch in the interim until you can see your regular counsellor again.

4. Do tell your mum. Honesty has real value. Be honest with yourself, too.

5. It [b]will[/b] get better.

Now, go and buy a large bar of chocolate and eat that. There isn't much else legal that has the same chilling effect for me....

🙂

did I also mention I'm as stubborn as a mule - and I can't accept his reaons? It's all the worse because I haven't done anything wrong and because I don't have a penis I can't understand why it's such a big deal for him. he was attracted to me as a person; he didn't always have the sexual desire. that to me is just something to work with but is a deal-breaker if you're a 20 year old male 👿

Sorry to hear that - it all sounds a bit heavy, especially as you are just starting back at uni....

It's hard to give advice on this kind of thing as everyone is different. When I was at uni there was an information & advice centre that was pretty good - do you have anything like this you could make use of? Even if it's just to sit down with a cuppa and 'unload'. Talking always make me feel better, anyway.
When I've been in those kind of situations I have always found that the best way to cope is to immerse myself in work/friends/social life etc. join some uni clubs, volunteer to help out at things - don't know what, but something that keeps you busy and gives you satisfaction while you are doing it - perhaps volunteer at an animal rescue centre or something??

As for being a burden - your friends will probably want to be there & help.

I get the whole can't eat/sleep thing too where relationships are concerned - it just kinda passes after a while and things go back to being normal again. You just have to get through it.

There's lots of people on here with plenty of good advice (I just waffle) so I expect someone will be along soon to say something far more useful/profound/life changing than i have just managed.

It's very cliched, but it does get easier and one day (in the not too distant future) you'll get to the end of a day without thinking about this person once & know that things are heading in the right direction.

Oh, and I have always found that staying in contact with the person who has hurt you just makes it more drawn out & hard to deal with. Try to distance yourself as much as you can.

okay, I'll tell my tutor tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers she understands..

I like the idea of going out biking. (my leg muscles are wasting away) unfortunately, it was the ex that got me into it and I still haven't managed to find anyone else to go riding with. If anyone lives in the Dundee area (or wants to ride glentress at the weekends) gimme a shout 🙂

you don't have to accept his reasons. you have to accept that life is hard. then you have to make a decision not to let something someone else has done, thought or said mess you up. its not something to feel, its something to do - decide to be ok. The alternative is to decide to be not ok. Phuck him and his dick - figuratively. people make you feel how you allow them to make you feel. make a positive choice to be ok, and move on. this is experience talking.........

did I also mention I'm as stubborn as a mule - and I can't accept his reaons?

it doesn't work like that - we're all volunteers in relationships. His reasons only have to make sense to him (and he's not obliged to be truthful). You can't expect to say "x, y and zed, so we're back together QED".

Woooahhhh.....just seen your last post.
As difficult as it is, don't try to rationalise the whys/whats/why nots etc. as you won't be able to. Well, I have never been able to......

There will always be questions that you can't get the answer to.....don't let them go around and around and around - as difficult as it is, you need to stop thinking about the reasons.

You have stated his reason above - for all you/he knows he may have a medical issue. There is nothing that you can change about his behaviour/feelings and just because he feels how he does, that doesn't mean that anyone else will feel the same way.....

Right....time for a cup of tea & some cookies that I found in the kitchen earlier.......back in a bit.

I know it feels rubbish, my fiance left me when our baby was 5 days old. .I should have known something was up when he cancelled the wedding!!!
He was 20 and I was 22. I dropped out of Uni at 21 when I fell pregnant. I was so devastated and felt doubly gutted cause I was single and a single Mum, oh and my body had gone to pot after carrying a 9lb baby (never felt so unsexy in my life!)
5 years on and im about celebrate 4 years of happy marriage to an amazing bloke and have 2 kids now.
Its been tough and I too have suffered terrible depressive episodes for about 12 years. My son has also turned out to be severely autistic,doubly incontinent and needs 24 hour care and I sometimes hate his Dad so much for leaving me and Joel. The main thing is that there are good blokes out there. You will meet someone who will totally love you whatever and find you sexy all the time (can get tiresome but its lovely).

single female mountain biker actively seeks riding friends via interweb forum.....

5,4,3,2,1........... cue creak of opening floodgates

I honestly have trouble with the idea of deciding to be ok. I don't want to let go of him yet and I'm worried that if I'm ok I'll forget about him. I don't want him to think he's made a mistake and then found I've already moved on, even though I know very well that it would take years and years for him to ever reconsider/regret his decision! That sounds really really stupid...

And thankyou very much for all your replies. It's incredibly comforting to be given advice from people who are more experienced in life. I'll try take some of it onboard

All those feelings you describe miaowing_kat, are very normal and to be expected in your situation. We've all been there - well at least I certainly have. It's all part of life's rich and varied tapestry of experiences, and something from which you eventually emerge from in one piece and stronger. As they say : [i]'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.[/i]

There is no magic cure - it's just something that only time can cure. You can of course help to speed things up. I would suggest that you avoid all contact with your ex, persist in seeking counselling, speak to your mum - that's why she's there, keep busy - go out with friends, distract yourself etc, avoid all alcohol, and eat small amounts often.

But just remember ..... that 'time' [i][b]will[/i][/b] cure the pain.

Good luck 8)

Try not to focus on the future too much, just concentrate on what is in front of you. In this respect, I've found biking very helpful. It stops your mind circling the unsolvables (or you'll crash!) and the endorphins are good for you. I bought a turbo trainer for the times when I couldn't get out and it proved to me that exercise in general is key for mental health.

I know it's hard initally, but you have to speak with your friends and family about how you feel. Just getting the issues out in the open will help. I absolutely guarantee you will be more able to cope if you can do this. People like helping each other, so you're actually doing them a favour, not being a burden.

Yep ring your Mum, thats what Mums are for. I know what you mean about not wanting her to feel like she's too far away to help. If it wasnt for my Mum I would have never have gone out with my husband on our first date.

That sounds really really stupid...

Sorry to be blunt, but it is. Been there, got the t-shirt and it's ****ing rubbish! You can't move forward like that, the only person in life you need to make happy is yourself.

I'm happy to ring when I'm not feeling too great.. but I can't bring myself to ring her when I'm in a state. I have deliberately overdosed in the past and she now gets panicky if people phone her late at night etc. I resort to ringing the ex because that's what I used to do and when I'm in a state I'm obviously not at all rational.

loulabella, your post is very inspiring and does genuinely give me hope

I'm worried that if I'm ok I'll forget about him. I don't want him to think he's made a mistake and then found I've already moved on

Don't "hang on" ............. that's the worst mistake you can make 😯

If he's screwed up ....... that's [u]his[/u] problem - not yours.

TBH, not letting go and hanging onto false hopes, is what everyone tends to do. And something which he might very well encourage - to leave his options open whilst he sees what else is available.
DO NOT fall into that trap - move on !

to be fair to him he's tried making it clear that I should move on, I deserve better and all that.. but I don't want him to end up alone either 🙁

He's no longer your problem.

Look after yourself and don't try to 'save' him from himself.

You'll never win if you try....... believe me !

miaowing-kat - Hang on in there - it does get easier and better - I'm 5 months on from the same experience of being told "you're not wanted" and was feeling exactly how you're feeling now. It gets easier to deal with as the weeks go past. Listen to the suggestions to get out on your bike - it helps. Don't try and see your ex, it just makes it continually difficult. And talk - whether it's your mates, your mum or your councellor or on here. Good luck.

I don't want to let go of him yet and I'm worried that if I'm ok I'll forget about him.

This hit a chord - I seem to remember feeling like this about someone while at uni, but it's kinda like chasing your tail.
Don't worry about the forgetting him part if you are OK - you probably won't ever 'forget' him completely but you will move on and other things/people etc will become more significant. You will probably need to 'forget' about him a bit to move on. And you don't have to try to forget, you just will.

Without wanting to sound 'lecturing' or whatever.....uni is such a great opportunity to learn stuff, meet people, have experiences, do things you wouldn't normally do. Please don't let this stop you making the most of your time at uni.....
.....there are things I wish I had done differently while at uni & once you've done it - that's that.....you can't go back.

can we be friends at a later stage?

he says he'd like to be friends after we've had time to heal. will the 'what if?' feeling go away if we don't manage to find other partners? I'm not worried if either of us finds someone else, but if we both remain single, will the temptaion still be there or does it go away completely?

edit- the great thing is, I'm repeating my year. so I have three years left: plenty of time to have fun!

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

The reason i ask is when I was younger (I'm 31 now), even as a male I took break ups badly. As I got older I became desensitized to it all, to the point where my wife says I don't have a heart, I have a small black pebble. In all seriousness I took it very badly but got through it all at the cost of now being utterly devoid of all emotion! 😆

Top tips I can give you

1) Avoid running into the ex. Avoid places you'll know they'll be or may be so you "accidentally" run into them

2) Don't call or contact them. Delete their number and email address.

3) watch every sad film and listen to every sad song and get it out your system

4) Do something that will make you laugh. A comedy club is a great place to go.

5) Keep yourself busy and set goals for you. It's a big shift going from doing things as "we" to doing things as "me"

6) Don't underestimate the support and help from your parents. It's at times like this you realise they are your best friends in life.

The last thing you need is your ex being around. It's his problem he chose to leave. He chose to leave for his own reasons, those reasons must have been strong enough to overcome any feeling he had for you. That doesnt mean its something wrong with you, but it does mean that he has actively chosen something else over you because his feelings have changed. Peoples feelings change over time, it's perfectly normal. Painful, but normal. Talk to your mum, mums would always rather know than not.

You're a bit far away from Glasgow for a chat but I'm sure it could take your mind off it if you'd show me round glentress at some point, so feel free to yell if you're headed down! And before the commens come, I'm already attached!

can we be friends at a later stage?

Who knows? It's possible, but not easy IME. You 100% cannot be friends now though, so don't worry about what might happen later on.

erm..........perhaps, but probably not would be my immediate answer and in the amount of time it takes you to both move on to a point where you can see each other as 'friends' and not worry about 'what he's been up to', 'is he seeing someone else', 'why hasn't he returned my call' you might not even be that bothered about being friends.

One of my best mates (who seems to have very bad luck in relationships) was with a girl for a while. She ended it and he was still real keen on her. She wanted to be friends, but he clearly wasn't ready for it. SHe used to ring up, tell him about this, that and the other and it used to do him no good at all.

If it's something that you do want - it needs to be on your terms, and only once you are 100% sure that you can deal with it.

I am 21. very young I know. first love and all that. luckily we do completely different courses so there's not much chance of us running into each other.

It's a big shift going from doing things as "we" to doing things as "me"

yes, I've found that especially hard. grocery shopping is a rather sad and much duller experience

mmmm. I must say I'm being a terrible ex-girlfriend. he has been very good and tried to minimise contact but is always very civil when I call him up and yell very angry things in his ear.

think I might take the advice and delete his number. I know it off by heart but if I have to type it in maybe it'll make me think twice..

can we be friends at a later stage?

Yes - definitely.

[u]But[/u] not for a very very long time (sorry 😐 ) ..... when all the pain and passionate feelings have gone ..... about 2 years.

I know that sounds like an eternity (even a couple of days does - right ?) but that's how it is. So do yourself a favour, and break all contact with him - move on and get on with your life.

Gee I'm not gonna read all these essays, but I might have a different angle on it. I often lose my attraction for people don't really know why I wanna love someone but maybe I never will. I think the best way to regain his attraction is to show him what a great person you are, next time he calls round go on a bike ride rather than talk about your emotions if he don't wanna go, go on your own.

Perhaps evaluate what made him think your a hottie in the first place and has it gone downhill since, example did you two have a big group of friends who socialized regularly but over the past year, you two just stayed in doing **** all.

I only ever really digged one girl, this Japanese lass from uni she wasn't conventionally as good looking as what I'd normally like, but she didn't give a shit and was so smart played piano, was doing great at uni, could run marathons, didn't go with the crowd. Basically what I'm saying is do what makes you a great person those things you gave up for him or things you wanna do, go do them and I reckon he'll come back because he'll think your great.

In regards to uni is it definitely what you wanna do and does it have good prospects. I studied furniture design and making for 4 years got a job after but two years later I'm unemployed and may has well not bothered doing either uni or 2 years work it means jack all (can you tell i'm bit pissed off) so are you doing uni for you and are you going to earn good cash afterward if not consider other options. I thought uni was the be all and end all it really ain't.

Lastly I would go glentress but don't live anywhere near it loads do though so I'm sure they'll take you out, I could chat to you on MSN but I'd only complain about being jobless. Good luck with it all and heres a [url=

of wade simmons sure to bring a smile to anyones face[/url]

haha i wrote an essay as well

Crikey, I thought it was just me! I've just got back from a not entirely fruitful meeting after telling yet another stranger why I'm a certifiable nutbar*

*I hope you get some answers/progress soon, my current experiences of support via the NHS are "patchy" to say the least, but it's been an interesting journey so far, and some of the individuals have been fantastic. I also know that Nutbar isn't a clinical term, but if the cap fits.... 😉 In the highly unlikely event that you think I might be able to help! feel free to PM but mostly look after yourself and don't be shy about spending time around your friends and family, brooding on your own only makes things worse IME

Hi Miaowing Kat, sod him hes a muppet and does not know what hes losing! Trust me Im a bloke and take it from me we are a bunch of pricks! Your amazing, beautiful and your a mountain biker! There is no person that is more beautiful in the world than a lady who rides! Thats a fact, I heard it off the Dalai Lama!!! He was round for tea t'other night!

Seriously look at your positives, if you ride your interesting and active thats a plus, if your in Uni your intelligent another plus and Ive only read three or four of your forum posts! God knows what potential you have in there!

I would avoid him, that will only make it harder.

If its all too much, sack whatever your doing off and go turn the pedals it always works for me.

Nick

x

haha i wrote an essay as well

you get an 'E' 🙁
1) there's scant future in trying to win someone back
2) if you're trying to help someone don't blather about your own problems

Kat you need to bloody grow up and move on.

The guy is not into You -for his own reasons-who cares what they are-he probably doesn't even know for himself! guys are just as weird as gals.

You need to find someone that likes YOU how you like them etc.

But you're not mature enough to handle a proper relationship from your behaviour-hell you need to love yourself before you start to love others.

Go and have fun, set new goals, get a life for YOURSELF not involving him

Don't hold out, life is too short.

Set new goals and get through uni, if you're confused in two weeks then don't bother going unless you're gonna pass yr1 on min credit but yr 2 and 3 is critical for a clear mind and a 2:1 min.

Take some pride in yourself and wise up woman! who cares if you see him again as you'll meet so many people on travels.

It's your choice-be brilliant and make something of yourself or cry away.

Loads of people like you male or females but don't waste time like they do as life is too short.

Sorry if I sound harsh but want the best for anyone.

Live the dream, wake up and do some work.

i can't believe no one has suggested buying some shiny new bike components.

A good mate of mine at uni was dumped over the phone after a fairly lengthy relationship - he went out and spanked almost £5k on a Ducati Monster 750 to cheer himself up. It seemed to work, I didn't see him stop smiling for about 3 months afterwards; his eyes used to twinkle everytime he started it up.

Do you have a bike licence? 😉

grocery shopping is a rather sad and much duller experience

Grocery shopping is always dull. Buy an ipod or something. Anyway, did you say your ex was 20/21? he's a ****ing child at that age, and you'd probably end up hating him anyway in in a few years. I didn't resemble a human being until 30, so I'd say forget all the teenage romance crap and just enjoy being young free and single for as long as you can.

Keep busy, even when you really don't feel like doing anything. Socialise, even when you really don't feel like socialising. Ride your bike even when you really don't feel like riding......

Talk to people, don't fear of boring them, it's important to you, and if they're true friends they won't mind, just don't be offended if you can see their minds wandering - they still care.

You're still very young, focus on your course, things will get easier, and you will meet someone else - this in time, will just be a memory.

There are plenty of self help positive thinking books at bookshops, which shows lots of people go through, and get through these times. Buy one, or two even - it can help!

Best wishes

Pete aka Woodsman

ernie_lynch - Member

when all the pain and passionate feelings have gone ..... about 2 years.

ffs don't start thinking it's going to take 2 years to get over him - it won't !

You gonna feel a whole lot better after a month or two. But deep feelings will linger on for quite a while.

The most important thing to remember, is that they could flare up again if you have contact with him after say, 6 months - so don't do it !

I can't offer any advice, but I'd like to offer my support. I'm thinking of you and I sincerely hope you find a way to feel better. 🙂

I have no idea what attracted him: I'm demanding, motherly and emotional. But I'm half chinese and I also happen to be awesome 🙂

As for Uni, I'm doing an art degree :gulp: but I enjoy it and find it very rewarding (when all goes well). as for job prospects, :double gulp: I can only hope I find something related to my degree. Part of my plan will definitely have to be finding a rich husband 😀

ack, I can't keep up with all the replies!

thankyou thankyou so much. you've helped me feel much better about myself. I think I needed to be reminded by strangers that of course I am indeed gorgeous and wonderful. I think I'll probably print this thread out in the morning so I can carry around my own 'break-up manual'

I will keep on trying to get a hold of my counsellor but perhaps use my friends as a stop-gap for the time being 🙂

There's thousands of people who'll love each and every aspect of you, both the ones you think are good and the ones you think are bad! Thinking there's just one is nuts. Thinking it'll be hard to find another is nuts. Love is just a chemical reward/pleasure process in the brain, it's not some mystical thing. You'll find someone better, you'll be fine at uni and you'll get a job if you have half a brain regardless of the career choice. Keep your chin up, detatch yourself completely from him and just accept it as over, not as something negative but as a fresh start and a fresh chance to find something better.

I find when i am on a ride shouting "I am a tiger" to myself during particularly strenuous climbs as well as saying things like "That was rad" and "gnarly dude" encourages me to push that little harder (plus it really cheeses of my riding mates).

I suggest trying it while food shopping at random intervals, while trolley surfing. It's quite liberating.

Right - time to retire. I've got to be up at six and then face a 60 mile commute to work listening to the effervescent wit of Chris Moyles & his joyous gang. And you thought you had it bad!

PS - half Chinese, eh?!.....I bet you have great legs. My first girlfriend was Chinese and she had great pins. I have since taken the time to observe that it seems to be a genetic thing.

to be honest (being as modest as possible) I'm often told I'm very pretty, have a wonderful figure and all that. (not sure about the legs but they must at least be toned if I go biking!) Just makes it all the more hard when you're told by the one person whose opinion you truly value that you're not able to turn them on 🙁

but don't worry, I'll try keep all your advice in my head, and refer back to this thread for good reminders. thankyou all once again 🙂

I find when i am on a ride shouting "[b]I am a tiger[/b]" to myself during particularly strenuous climbs as well as saying things like "[b]That was rad[/b]" and "[b]gnarly dude" encourages me to push that little harder

You dirty bugger.

Just makes it all the more hard when you're told by the one person whose opinion you truly value that you're not able to turn them on

He's trying to tell you that whilst he might care for/love you, he's not "in love"......two separate and different feelings. Would you want him, if the only reason he was with you was for sex ?

There's an online community on [url= http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/alcoholanddrugs/depression.htm ]HERE[/url] that might be a source of support, your talking about things so your on the right tracks.
Dont be afraid of taking medication, SSRI's (Citalopram/Cipramil etc) are good but will take about 4-6 weeks to get into you properly, when they do they can work wonders, you wont turn into a junkie but coming off them is best done a few mg a month.
Best advice is hang on in there, talk to people, try not to be alone too much, & enjoy the fine weather as things are worse when the weather is shite. If your stuck at home put the TV/radio on to fill your space with noise, chuck yourself into your uni studies big style.
Oh, & exercise like mad, its a good serotonin releaser.
Oh, & post an email address cos some folks might have really useful advice but don't want to post publicly...me...same as you...now very very ex partner walked out & things were tough for a while.

I wouldn't agree with medication, without really thinking over if this is right for the individual. Keep a clear head and be positive.

What the op is going through is quite a normal reaction to losing a partner.

very little to add to the thread but I do hope you feel better,
it's not easy and it'll take time!

this thread has grown huge, I reckon your on for a century.

you get an 'E'
1) there's scant future in trying to win someone back

I think your wrong Miaowing Kat clearly still likes MR Kat, and I reckon they just need to realise why they liked each other to start with, I often see what I would call stagnant couples but like water they can be made alive again.

I am indeed gorgeous and wonderful. I think I'll probably print this thread out

mods hit the delete button, we got a big head in the house. actually you'll fit right in.

oh and i totally disagree with taking anti depressants, nasty nasty drugs, be better off with comfort food it can only make you fat.

The only way to make things better is to sleep with me.

There, I said it.

I think your wrong Miaowing Kat clearly still likes MR Kat, and I reckon they just need to realise why they liked each other to start with,

Get in with people. It's only an hour to Stirling Bike Club for a trip as there are lots of nice sociable riders down this way and some great terrain.

Chin up!

I hope I don't offend anyone but I was a bit reluctant to put up an email address in case I got any 'offers of marriage'. I know the vast majority of people are supportive and just want to help, but it is the internet after all

I won't be taking medication. I've tried a couple of anti-depressants before and they didn't do anything for me.

EL - I never thought of it like that. he's been very honest to me and I know it was a very difficult decision for him. I suppose it's true that he obviously doesn't love me enough though and how he feels about himself is more important to him at the moment.

stonemonkey - thanks for the offer, but I don't think I'm ready to go near other men just yet..

I hope I don't offend anyone but I was a bit reluctant to put up an email address in case I got any 'offers of marriage'. I know the vast majority of people are supportive and just want to help, but it is the internet after all

Good that you've still got a rational head on!

And you were undoubtedly going to get offers of marriage on here, but while there might be those who are thigh rubbing at the thought, the vast majority aren't and even those that are are probably doing it in a non-agressive way lol.

Hey Kat
Just remember to keep on smiling in public (or at least trying) - no one likes a miserable person - then in private and with good friends let your true feelings out. I'm in the same situation as you right now and it's very easy to pretend to friends/family that all is okay, but when you do admit you're not coping the help and understanding you will get helps so much. I live abroad and I know it is terrible for my mum because she really can't come and see me, but the phonecalls I get just checking up on me help.
It's hard to let go, and it's even harder to believe that you will sometime meet someone new who is right for you, but you have to hope that it happens.
Anyway, go out for a couple of drinks with good mates (but not too much, otherwise you'll probably end up doing sometime embarrasing - and leave your phone at home to avoid drunken phonecalls), get out on your bike or for a good run, and smile!

(hugs) he sounds a muppet and does not realise the awesome person he has let go.
I can relate to how you feel though, it is not good, a few months ago me and my ex split, she said the 800 miles distance was pretty much to blame, but a month later she was getting back with her ex, often makes me wonder.......but we remained really good friends and that is something.
Took me ages before i could even look at myself in a mirror, even today it still hurts like hell but i am lucky to ahve her as a friend still....and frankly she fought hard to keep me as one and still does every day.

Time will heal Kat and i really hope you find some one who loves and apperciates you for the wonderful woman i am sure you are.

As for me, well another day and a reason to ride (helps me forget)

As you have seen, you're not the only one to have recently felt their heart being ripped out!

It has happened to a lot of us on here and most are a fair bit older than you. Whilst you certainly won't feel like it at the moment you are lucky (in an odd way) because you are still so young - you have so much fun and good times ahead of you the thought is staggering to an old git like me 🙁

From (recent) personal experience i can only offer the same as others.
Stay away from him
Stay away from him
Stay away from him

i do understand the cathartic release of unburdening all those emotions his actions have created but the effect is only temporary and they come back even worse. It does get better but it is a long road and in the end you have to walk it alone. Friends and family will do all they can to help you, but ultimately only you can change your situation for the better
and i'm sure at some level you already know this.

Good luck and hold your head up.

(wonders when he will begin to take his own advice...)

simnonk - you'll never forget if you keep her as a friend, you're still pining for her IMO. Ask yourself, for whose benifit is the friendship, and is it holding you back in life.

We're all different, but that's how I see it.

Pete

EL - I suppose it's true that he obviously doesn't love me enough

No, no, no, I didn't say that ! 😀

He might very well love you - maybe even hugely. I certainly get the impression that he cares very deeply about you. But it's not the same as "being [b]in[/b] love". As I said, it's a different emotion altogether, and one which is vital for a successful long-term intimate/sexual relationship.

I repeat, you can love someone, eg. your mum, sister, brother, and even a friend, but it's not the same as being "in love".

I don't agree with any of the responses saying he was stupid to let you go. He decided for his reasons that the relationship had run its course. He should be applauded for having the guts to walk away when he knew something was not right.

I am not saying that to be negative, rather it should be looked at as a positive - everyone deserves to be with someone that wants to be with them, not because they are stuck with them. Clearly he found your nature hard to accept and decided he could not continue.

So, take from it the positives - you are free from a relationship that was doomed to fail as it was not in his nature to accept you as you are. You do not need to change, and you will surely find someone that loves you for what you are, not for what you make yourself to be.

Never change yourself as then you are not only lying to your partner, but lying to yourself as well.

You need to go out, let your hair down. Wear your sluttiest outfit.
Get p1ssed up and grab a bloke or a chick or both, take them home and f***. Try anything you've not tried before, the full monty.

Like that would help!

I'd find it helpful 🙂

Ride your bike more!

I am sure some would find it good therapy, I just don't think she would!

What I'm really trying to say is try to lighten up and enjoy yourself.
Drink, have sex, ride your bike, watch pron, smoke some wacky baccy, whatever. Just try not to dwell on the sh1t because it happens and it will happen again. Life is also amazing when you let it be.

but is a deal-breaker if you're a 20 year old male

the opposite is apparently true of 23 year old females! Not the deal breaking bit, the other bit. Men don't entirely have the monopoly on stupid breakup excuses.

And as somene said, big expensive toys, just bought an MG midget, what ex?

Clearly he found your nature hard to accept and decided he could not continue.

that hits a bit of a nerve. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. I think if his reason for leaving had been my behaviour, my personality, my values in life etc. I would have accepted that better. He left me because of my physical appearance so says he and I believe he's being honest here, because he found it incredibly difficult to admit to. He says he's the one with the 'problem' and I've already realised that there's nothing I can do to change.

And heh, I will not be going out having random sex, drink and drugs. My behaviour can be awful enough without all those added into the mix 🙂

stonemonkey - thanks for the offer, but I don't think I'm ready to go near other men just yet..

Very wise. Ignore the silly comments. Don't get involved with men whilst you are still very emotionally upset about your last relationship. Do not act like a slut, which is a very common reaction for women who feel rejected.
It might make you feel powerful and in control, but it will also make you despise yourself and feel worthless.

But do go out and enjoy yourself, and yes, flirt with men [i]that[/i] will make you feel better about yourself, and will also provide a useful distraction.

imho

yes, I wish I was a guy in that respect: it must be nice to get so much pleasure out of an object like car or bike..
can't really think what female equivalent would be. I suppose incredibly expensive shoes or mountains of chocolate?

Can I just say this thread is nothing without pictures.....

Also, have you wee'd in his shoes?

He left me because of my physical appearance

I think, to blokes and many women in general though there are always exceptions, sex and physical attraction is a very large chunk of a relationship. And tastes change with time. Sure you can go through a relationship loving the person as a person/friend etc but if the physical attraction has gone then you're just good friends and they'll be wanting to go elsewhere for the physical side. So he had only 3 choices;

1 be bored with you physically and lie to himself every day - soul destroying.
2 Sleep around behind your back, or at least want to and feel guilty for it.
3 Say I love being friends with you but I need something else, being honest with both parties.

Seems to me that he made the best choice for both of you. Women can covet material things too, I know many women who would buy a fast car or a motorbike before letting a bloke upset them.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. I think if his reason for leaving had been my behaviour, my personality, my values in life etc. I would have accepted that better. He left me because of my physical appearance so says he and I believe he's being honest here,

Remember though - love yourself and people will love you.

Even better if you do it on webcam ;-0

I have my coat, I'm gone..............