ack, I can't keep up with all the replies!
thankyou thankyou so much. you've helped me feel much better about myself. I think I needed to be reminded by strangers that of course I am indeed gorgeous and wonderful. I think I'll probably print this thread out in the morning so I can carry around my own 'break-up manual'
I will keep on trying to get a hold of my counsellor but perhaps use my friends as a stop-gap for the time being 🙂
There's thousands of people who'll love each and every aspect of you, both the ones you think are good and the ones you think are bad! Thinking there's just one is nuts. Thinking it'll be hard to find another is nuts. Love is just a chemical reward/pleasure process in the brain, it's not some mystical thing. You'll find someone better, you'll be fine at uni and you'll get a job if you have half a brain regardless of the career choice. Keep your chin up, detatch yourself completely from him and just accept it as over, not as something negative but as a fresh start and a fresh chance to find something better.
I find when i am on a ride shouting "I am a tiger" to myself during particularly strenuous climbs as well as saying things like "That was rad" and "gnarly dude" encourages me to push that little harder (plus it really cheeses of my riding mates).
I suggest trying it while food shopping at random intervals, while trolley surfing. It's quite liberating.
Right - time to retire. I've got to be up at six and then face a 60 mile commute to work listening to the effervescent wit of Chris Moyles & his joyous gang. And you thought you had it bad!
PS - half Chinese, eh?!.....I bet you have great legs. My first girlfriend was Chinese and she had great pins. I have since taken the time to observe that it seems to be a genetic thing.
to be honest (being as modest as possible) I'm often told I'm very pretty, have a wonderful figure and all that. (not sure about the legs but they must at least be toned if I go biking!) Just makes it all the more hard when you're told by the one person whose opinion you truly value that you're not able to turn them on 🙁
but don't worry, I'll try keep all your advice in my head, and refer back to this thread for good reminders. thankyou all once again 🙂
[/b]I find when i am on a ride shouting "[b]I am a tiger[/b]" to myself during particularly strenuous climbs as well as saying things like "[b]That was rad[/b]" and "[b]gnarly dude" encourages me to push that little harder
You dirty bugger.
Just makes it all the more hard when you're told by the one person whose opinion you truly value that you're not able to turn them on
He's trying to tell you that whilst he might care for/love you, he's not "in love"......two separate and different feelings. Would you want him, if the only reason he was with you was for sex ?
There's an online community on [url= http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/alcoholanddrugs/depression.htm ]HERE[/url] that might be a source of support, your talking about things so your on the right tracks.
Dont be afraid of taking medication, SSRI's (Citalopram/Cipramil etc) are good but will take about 4-6 weeks to get into you properly, when they do they can work wonders, you wont turn into a junkie but coming off them is best done a few mg a month.
Best advice is hang on in there, talk to people, try not to be alone too much, & enjoy the fine weather as things are worse when the weather is shite. If your stuck at home put the TV/radio on to fill your space with noise, chuck yourself into your uni studies big style.
Oh, & exercise like mad, its a good serotonin releaser.
Oh, & post an email address cos some folks might have really useful advice but don't want to post publicly...me...same as you...now very very ex partner walked out & things were tough for a while.
I wouldn't agree with medication, without really thinking over if this is right for the individual. Keep a clear head and be positive.
What the op is going through is quite a normal reaction to losing a partner.
very little to add to the thread but I do hope you feel better,
it's not easy and it'll take time!
this thread has grown huge, I reckon your on for a century.
you get an 'E'
1) there's scant future in trying to win someone back
I think your wrong Miaowing Kat clearly still likes MR Kat, and I reckon they just need to realise why they liked each other to start with, I often see what I would call stagnant couples but like water they can be made alive again.
I am indeed gorgeous and wonderful. I think I'll probably print this thread out
mods hit the delete button, we got a big head in the house. actually you'll fit right in.
oh and i totally disagree with taking anti depressants, nasty nasty drugs, be better off with comfort food it can only make you fat.
The only way to make things better is to sleep with me.
There, I said it.
I think your wrong Miaowing Kat clearly still likes MR Kat, and I reckon they just need to realise why they liked each other to start with,
Sometimes works. Sometimes just drags it out returning to a loveless stagnant pond after a brief spring flood. But then we can't all live in a flood can we, usually floods are exciting but subside naturally.
Get in with people. It's only an hour to Stirling Bike Club for a trip as there are lots of nice sociable riders down this way and some great terrain.
Chin up!
I hope I don't offend anyone but I was a bit reluctant to put up an email address in case I got any 'offers of marriage'. I know the vast majority of people are supportive and just want to help, but it is the internet after all
I won't be taking medication. I've tried a couple of anti-depressants before and they didn't do anything for me.
EL - I never thought of it like that. he's been very honest to me and I know it was a very difficult decision for him. I suppose it's true that he obviously doesn't love me enough though and how he feels about himself is more important to him at the moment.
stonemonkey - thanks for the offer, but I don't think I'm ready to go near other men just yet..
I hope I don't offend anyone but I was a bit reluctant to put up an email address in case I got any 'offers of marriage'. I know the vast majority of people are supportive and just want to help, but it is the internet after all
Good that you've still got a rational head on!
And you were undoubtedly going to get offers of marriage on here, but while there might be those who are thigh rubbing at the thought, the vast majority aren't and even those that are are probably doing it in a non-agressive way lol.
Hey Kat
Just remember to keep on smiling in public (or at least trying) - no one likes a miserable person - then in private and with good friends let your true feelings out. I'm in the same situation as you right now and it's very easy to pretend to friends/family that all is okay, but when you do admit you're not coping the help and understanding you will get helps so much. I live abroad and I know it is terrible for my mum because she really can't come and see me, but the phonecalls I get just checking up on me help.
It's hard to let go, and it's even harder to believe that you will sometime meet someone new who is right for you, but you have to hope that it happens.
Anyway, go out for a couple of drinks with good mates (but not too much, otherwise you'll probably end up doing sometime embarrasing - and leave your phone at home to avoid drunken phonecalls), get out on your bike or for a good run, and smile!
(hugs) he sounds a muppet and does not realise the awesome person he has let go.
I can relate to how you feel though, it is not good, a few months ago me and my ex split, she said the 800 miles distance was pretty much to blame, but a month later she was getting back with her ex, often makes me wonder.......but we remained really good friends and that is something.
Took me ages before i could even look at myself in a mirror, even today it still hurts like hell but i am lucky to ahve her as a friend still....and frankly she fought hard to keep me as one and still does every day.
Time will heal Kat and i really hope you find some one who loves and apperciates you for the wonderful woman i am sure you are.
As for me, well another day and a reason to ride (helps me forget)
As you have seen, you're not the only one to have recently felt their heart being ripped out!
It has happened to a lot of us on here and most are a fair bit older than you. Whilst you certainly won't feel like it at the moment you are lucky (in an odd way) because you are still so young - you have so much fun and good times ahead of you the thought is staggering to an old git like me 🙁
From (recent) personal experience i can only offer the same as others.
Stay away from him
Stay away from him
Stay away from him
i do understand the cathartic release of unburdening all those emotions his actions have created but the effect is only temporary and they come back even worse. It does get better but it is a long road and in the end you have to walk it alone. Friends and family will do all they can to help you, but ultimately only you can change your situation for the better
and i'm sure at some level you already know this.
Good luck and hold your head up.
(wonders when he will begin to take his own advice...)
simnonk - you'll never forget if you keep her as a friend, you're still pining for her IMO. Ask yourself, for whose benifit is the friendship, and is it holding you back in life.
We're all different, but that's how I see it.
Pete
EL - I suppose it's true that he obviously doesn't love me enough
No, no, no, I didn't say that ! 😀
He might very well love you - maybe even hugely. I certainly get the impression that he cares very deeply about you. But it's not the same as "being [b]in[/b] love". As I said, it's a different emotion altogether, and one which is vital for a successful long-term intimate/sexual relationship.
I repeat, you can love someone, eg. your mum, sister, brother, and even a friend, but it's not the same as being "in love".
I don't agree with any of the responses saying he was stupid to let you go. He decided for his reasons that the relationship had run its course. He should be applauded for having the guts to walk away when he knew something was not right.
I am not saying that to be negative, rather it should be looked at as a positive - everyone deserves to be with someone that wants to be with them, not because they are stuck with them. Clearly he found your nature hard to accept and decided he could not continue.
So, take from it the positives - you are free from a relationship that was doomed to fail as it was not in his nature to accept you as you are. You do not need to change, and you will surely find someone that loves you for what you are, not for what you make yourself to be.
Never change yourself as then you are not only lying to your partner, but lying to yourself as well.
You need to go out, let your hair down. Wear your sluttiest outfit.
Get p1ssed up and grab a bloke or a chick or both, take them home and f***. Try anything you've not tried before, the full monty.
Like that would help!
I'd find it helpful 🙂
Ride your bike more!
I am sure some would find it good therapy, I just don't think she would!
What I'm really trying to say is try to lighten up and enjoy yourself.
Drink, have sex, ride your bike, watch pron, smoke some wacky baccy, whatever. Just try not to dwell on the sh1t because it happens and it will happen again. Life is also amazing when you let it be.
but is a deal-breaker if you're a 20 year old male
the opposite is apparently true of 23 year old females! Not the deal breaking bit, the other bit. Men don't entirely have the monopoly on stupid breakup excuses.
And as somene said, big expensive toys, just bought an MG midget, what ex?
Clearly he found your nature hard to accept and decided he could not continue.
that hits a bit of a nerve. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. I think if his reason for leaving had been my behaviour, my personality, my values in life etc. I would have accepted that better. He left me because of my physical appearance so says he and I believe he's being honest here, because he found it incredibly difficult to admit to. He says he's the one with the 'problem' and I've already realised that there's nothing I can do to change.
And heh, I will not be going out having random sex, drink and drugs. My behaviour can be awful enough without all those added into the mix 🙂
stonemonkey - thanks for the offer, but I don't think I'm ready to go near other men just yet..
Very wise. Ignore the silly comments. Don't get involved with men whilst you are still very emotionally upset about your last relationship. Do not act like a slut, which is a very common reaction for women who feel rejected.
It might make you feel powerful and in control, but it will also make you despise yourself and feel worthless.
But do go out and enjoy yourself, and yes, flirt with men [i]that[/i] will make you feel better about yourself, and will also provide a useful distraction.
imho
yes, I wish I was a guy in that respect: it must be nice to get so much pleasure out of an object like car or bike..
can't really think what female equivalent would be. I suppose incredibly expensive shoes or mountains of chocolate?
Can I just say this thread is nothing without pictures.....
Also, have you wee'd in his shoes?
He left me because of my physical appearance
I think, to blokes and many women in general though there are always exceptions, sex and physical attraction is a very large chunk of a relationship. And tastes change with time. Sure you can go through a relationship loving the person as a person/friend etc but if the physical attraction has gone then you're just good friends and they'll be wanting to go elsewhere for the physical side. So he had only 3 choices;
1 be bored with you physically and lie to himself every day - soul destroying.
2 Sleep around behind your back, or at least want to and feel guilty for it.
3 Say I love being friends with you but I need something else, being honest with both parties.
Seems to me that he made the best choice for both of you. Women can covet material things too, I know many women who would buy a fast car or a motorbike before letting a bloke upset them.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. I think if his reason for leaving had been my behaviour, my personality, my values in life etc. I would have accepted that better. He left me because of my physical appearance so says he and I believe he's being honest here,
I wasn't trying to offend at all - just trying to offer a possible explaination. But if, as he claims, he left you purely because he no longer finds you physically attractive then you have to take that positively. He made a decision as (as said above) is better for you both in the long run and if you are attractive (as you say you are) I doubt you will have trouble finding the right person for you. Remember though - love yourself and people will love you.
Remember though - love yourself and people will love you.
Even better if you do it on webcam ;-0
I have my coat, I'm gone..............
😆Even better if you do it on webcam ;-0I have my coat, I'm gone..............
stick around with close friends and focus on the things that keep yourself happy. My ex broke things off last month after 3 years, which was a huge shock. We went to uni together and have travelled round europe, did some amazing things. I'm getting through it by keeping myself busy and saying YES to everything. It's a bit cliched, but it's really helping
i've met lots of new people and reforged old friendships because of it. Saying that, i still get really depressed but i've gotta say, that i'm doing ok. I'm sure you will too.
There's some very good and well thought advice from people who obviously have experience. Me? I still think that you need to f***.
Life has thrown you a great opportunity to get out and do whatever you want without having to check in with your significant other first - ENJOY! When I was dumped after a 6 year reltionship I moped for a while, then realised I could get out and ride my bike every weekend! ALL WEEKEND IF I WANTED!!! I had so much fun before I knew what was happening I had got fit, got a big smile, and then bumped into my future wife in a nightclub. Now I have kids, a mortgage and no time to ride.... that's life. Its all good. Enjoy it while you can.
ddmonkey has it.
I was dumped by a fiancée many years ago and I had a tough time for a bit, but I look back now and realise I would have never met my wife, had our kids, had our life etc if I had stayed with the original woman.
Remember that there are bigger things in life to worry about than relationships that don't work out.
You're a smart kid. You'll figure out the right path, with friends and family to support you.
And this place too. I think I owe the folk on here my life....
Good luck!
He just isn't worthy of you, simple. Take a good care of yourself and you'll be fine.
*sigh* It's really weird: at the moment I'm being very positive, talking to flatmates/girlfriends and thinking 'yeah, I'll meet someone else who might actually buy me a birthday present instead of taking me to his favourite burger house'
but this afternoon I was absolutely terrible - didn't go into Uni for what is normally my favourite class, feeling life really not worth living (not because I've been left by a bloke; more because I can't see my future any more and this is something I've always struggled with) and I was so close to doing something silly 🙁
I think oh god, which part of me will be in control tomorrow?
kinda wish I had a motorbike- must be a great way of just letting go
STW group ride in Dundee anyone?!
heh, as long as you know of where to go. I may live here but I don't know what the riding is like!