[Closed] Are we allowed to talk about poo?

as a vegan I have rather a lot to contribute to this thread but nothing in relation to your troubles

you doing "that" diet ??

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Poo is a regular subject on here

As an ibs sufferer it takes up a large part of my life, but happily on solids, for now

i went earlier. it was like throwing shoes out of the loft.

Just spent half an hour!! on the loo, and it was like a couple of peanuts! LOL

Really really hard work as well! Got sore legs AND there was only the [b]New improved Singletrack Magazine [/b] to read!

Very disappointed LOL

I did a poo once

Ahhh the Bristol Stool chart. We meet again.

"like sh***ing an angry cat" said my friend returning from a porta loo after consuming too many energy products at MM a few years ago. Still makes me chuckle now

In my teen years I thought I was force farting to amuse my mates but something else came out ... 😆

As a [s]vegan[/s] vegetarian and prolific drinker of real ale I have rather a lot to contribute to this thread but nothing in relation to your troubles.

It was like a flock of pigeons taking off yesterday. 8)

"like sh***ing an angry cat"

sorry Houns, limited life experience here - how could it be like shagging an angry cat ? 😯

(haven't tried either and I'm loath to ask for a graphic explanation - is it something like wot Mr Gere didn't do with his hamster ?)

It was like a flock of pigeons taking off yesterday. 8)

Imagine much spitting and hissing

I did six poos at a 24 hour race once, ripped to the tits on energy products. I think unlike Houns' mate, my experience was like [i]expelling[/i] an angry cat, not fornicating with one. Well, expelling six excited kittens anyway.

Ah, I see (hear) !
Please excuse my imagination 😳

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This indicates that you have a lack of fibre, insufficient fluid intake and a slow transit time. Increase your intake of water, herbal teas, raw fruit and vegetables, cooked grains such as brown rice, quinoa and millet, sprouted pulses, flax seeds and olive oil. Avoid meat, dairy, wheat, eggs, refined carbohydrates and sugar.

I'd love to stay and chat but I've got a mole at the counter...

Type 1! Definitely

And I'm vegetarian. Thought for a bit it wasn't coming out, little ****er

Time and motion fail

Gillian McKeith to the thread please!!

and once again the STW collective have reduced me to tears of laughter with stories of No 2's

however I would like to put forward to the collective a

Type 8: sweet lordy lordy, how on gods (insert your own) sweet earth did something that big come out of such a small place?

😆

Bats at dusk.

OP - you need to check that MF isn't logged on (fnarr fnarr) before you talk about poo, he doesn't like it 🙂

Brown come in your time is up!

07.10 every working day a good firm motion ,and whenever i get up when not at work,i had the runs once after eating quorn ,proud of my poo's

on hols with a mate in fuerteventura
downed a pint of the local tap water after waking up drunk in the middle of the night
the volcanic minerals in the water resulted in a light frothy excretion a sort of explosive cross between a milky way and a chocolate milkshake
didnt really kick in till the following night after id been lucky enough to head back with a very nice norwegian girl.... she was most understanding all things considered

I knew a guy who shat himself on a cruise boat on the nile.

In his sleep.

On a deck chair.

In front of about 50 people.

😆

Poo is a regular subject

I see what you did there.

I would like to put forward to the collective a Type 8

You're going the wrong way on the scale. What you've got there is, perhaps, a Type 0. A type 8 would be a fart with unexpected bonus prizes.

Emsz, surely...a strong black coffee, or given the time of day, perhaps a pint or two of fruit juice and a big bowl of cereal and off to bed. Jobs a good' un !

That'll flush you out in the morning - it should save all of those big effort faces ... 😯

I think emsz's problem is likely that she's a burd and therefore (probably) not wise in the ways of 4 pints of mild before bedtime

...now there's an idea!

Aye, a few pints of proper Ale and maybe some meat.....

My cockney gran used to have quite a few pleasant turns of phrase about toilet habits but my favourite was her name for a portaloo- a chemi khazi

Wimminz turd laying habits sure are weird.

Mine can go a week between poo's - I'd actually die if I didn't crap fer a week/erm... two days.

Like dropping a load of old library books out of a suitcase into a canal.

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Greenwich Poo time here.

Twice daily and perfection personified.

A mate of mine coughed a couple of maltesers into his grundies whilst majorly pissed in Amsterdam. He packed said grundies c/w contents into his case.

Back at Manchester, customs lady called him over and had the misfortune of finding the lot.

For the record - I love pooing. And I'm good at it.

d_s, your story has turned what was merely a chuckle or possibly a titter whilst reading through this thread into a full blown belly laugh complete with mild tearing of the eyes! For that sir I thank you.

On to the topic at hand, I'm normally regular as clockwork, however, I've had a cold knocking at the door since Monday, for some reason it seems to have really upset my internal ecosystem, my poo schedule has gone out the window and I am dropping the most obnoxtious farts with alarming regularity!

Momo, best keep within sprinting distance of the loo then. You never know when one of those could turn from a howling gale to floods of rain.

Type 4 this morning, possibly due to the creamy pasta the day before. At least I'm back to normal though. When I quit smoking before christmas, the Champix prevented no. 2s for anything up to a week, even with senna, black coffee and high fibre veg. At that point, it was like pushing an anvil into a bathtub.

I have a kidney infection which means I am

a) drinking about 2 gallons of water a day

and

b) on antibiotics

the surfeit of liquid plus the medicine seem to be conspiring together to produce poos that are only slightly less soupy than the wee I was doing when I first got infected 🙁

my poo schedule has gone out the window

Gardez l'eau!

This thread hits too many unconcious panic buttons for me to contribute without having a complete psychological meltdown. 😮

wwaswas - 2 gallons a day 😯

You risk hyponatraemia (potentially fatal) - reduce your intake.

ah, well. I may have exaggerated for effect.

Yesterday I had;

5 x 750ml bike bottles of dilute Robinsons Barley Water
2 pints of tea
1 small bottle of diet coke
3 espressos

I had quite a satisfying one this morning.

My best ever was on an airplane, it was [b]HUGE[/b] and was like a big brown python sitting happily in the bowl.

😯

*rocks back and forth*

Mummy...

my daughter at age about 3 went through a time when she didn't like pooing and would actively try to avoid it for days on end. Then it would hit crisis point; we'd know she'd need to go from the smells but she'd deny it until she had to. Then in tears she'd sit on the loo and produce turds that would have shamed a Texan Oilman. I' swear one was a foot long which from a torso that was only about 2.5 feet long at the time astonished us.

She's normal now, thankfully.

I think of a dangerfart as 'like twisting on 19'

And obviously we've all done at least one magic poo. You strained, you felt it come out but when you stood up it was nowhere to be seen. All that remained was a faint wiff of poo and maybe a light stain on the u-bend.

And the less common, crimp-proof poo. It's a hard slog but you feel the time has come to crimp. You're sweating lightly through the effort but it really is now time to part company with your poo. You clutch the appropriate muscles but that baby does not want to say bye, bye. Crimp...Crimp!... CRIMP!!! Nope, it's hanging there, all 12 inches and it's still got a very tough grip on your spinchter. There's only one thing for it, you're going to have to dangle-break it. Lift a small amount off the seat and shake your hips. you can feel the thing banging against the sides of the bowl but it's not letting go.

What now? Wait and hope? Bounce a little?

Eventually through whatever means you part company and survey your output. It's the size of a well fed cucumber and it's got the consistency of a candle. You pray, pray for a bog brush to be in evidence otherwise it's getting left for the next occupant.

I think of a dangerfart as Russian poolette 😀

Somebody left one grounded in the pan the other day. Its dimensions were that of a Watney's Party Four. I was startled.

if we're talking about kids pooing here's my anecdote.

At about 3 or 4 months old my daughter was still being breast fed and only used to poo if she sat on my lap and I rubbed her back.

I fell off my bike and broke my hip and was in hospital for 3 or 4 days.

She stopped pooing.

I got home, sat on the sofa with my leg up feeling a bit fragile, she was put on my lap to say hello and have a cuddle, I touched her back to support her and she, errm, let it all out.

We practically had to hose the lounge out.

Went at work this morning, found that my first choice of trap already contained what Doctor Raymond Stantz might have termed a free floating, full torso, vaporous apparition. Nothing quite puts you off your stride like lifting the lid and finding someone else's Richard winking cheerily back at you.

I'm leaving my job in a fortnight. I could have some trap-based fun...

just returned from a lovely poo here at the office, freshly clean loo and all.

My 2 year old daughter looks all sweet and innocent

...but she craps like a Belgian Paratrooper.

eyerideit, some time ago...

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timely thread... i jsut spent 45 minutes unblocking a toilet that a patient had left this morning without informing me or my staff, it was about the size of a pint glass in both width and length... glad i've been going to the gym as it took a fair bit of strength to break it down, that was just the visible bit left in the bowl, what was in the u-bend took AGES to break down. was nearly sick about 8 times but now its all clear and clean again.

the joys of being a nurse.

[i]without informing me or my staff [/i]

that's tricky conversation, though.

Patient: "Have you got any wire coathangers?"
Nurse: "Why?"
Patient: " No reason." *wanders off whistling innocently*

or

Patient: "I've just passed a stool the size of a Zepplin, sort it out, there's a good nurse"

?

a simple "i've blocked the toilet" would've been enough, knowing the guys history i'm safe in betting its not the first time! instead i only realised when i took somebody up there to quote us for a new shower screen.

he's only been with us a couple of weeks and is still settling in, at the moment i'm having to tell him off about 3 times a day and the therapeutic relationship is only being held together by my ability to forgive lol

Surely the NHS could stump up for one of these?

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It even has different attachments.

I was in hospital for a few days a couple of years back and the old boy in the bed next to me struggled out of bed one morning and was shuffling along when all of a sudden there was a noise similar to that of a hot rod starting up. He turned right around and headed back to bed.

HA! we're not NHS unfortunately otherwise I'd have been able to call up the maintenance team to deal with it!

i can see that thing turning up in my nightmares.

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I saw a film about that once.

Except there were two chefs.

And there was no cooking involved.

from a topical tweet;

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saw a film about that once.

Except there were two chefs.

And there was no cooking involved

Was there a hiball tumbler involved at some point?

And obviously we've all done at least one magic poo. You strained, you felt it come out but when you stood up it was nowhere to be seen. All that remained was a faint wiff of poo and maybe a light stain on the u-bend.

We calls them ghost poos and when there's no trace on the paper - they're called ghost angels.

The ones that lurk around the u bend are Congas

BTW what's a dangerfart is it a Whinnet/Cling on?

2 girls and a cup anyone? 😯

Don't ever ever ever watch it, it will leave you mentally scared for years.

I thought a dangerfart was when you're quietly deflating to yourself and you suddenly have to shut your bum in a hurry as the fart got unexpectedly wider.

"like a flock of pigeons taking off" has to be the best description ever 😆

I once had a whole week of clean getaways, suffice to say it was the best week of my life.

Someone on the first floor of my office is very, very unwell...the fumes from the lav are distinctly meaty with overtones of camembert and cat food.

*cries*

Just been mailed this

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Any takers?

This will run for a thousand posts easy...

Also, can't quite believe that I'm the first person to suggest this: but emsz, have you considered

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I believe that this is an abbreviated classification table.

For the full classification you really ought to look up [b]"I'm from Aberdare Maan" [/b]on YouTube.

This classic catalogues the full range varieties that are possible based on a Valley's diet.

I highlighted this on the Rugby thread a few days ago - but it rteally does have relevance here !!

It's probably still NSFW unless you're not overlooked!

I'd put an embed in, but there a few naughty words

two stool charts on the same thread, we're doing well 🙂

Type 1: Peanuts
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Type 7: Guinness

My gran always said "A pint of stout'll flush it out"

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