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ah, well. I may have exaggerated for effect.
Yesterday I had;
5 x 750ml bike bottles of dilute Robinsons Barley Water
2 pints of tea
1 small bottle of diet coke
3 espressos
I had quite a satisfying one this morning.
My best ever was on an airplane, it was [b]HUGE[/b] and was like a big brown python sitting happily in the bowl.
😯
*rocks back and forth*
Mummy...
my daughter at age about 3 went through a time when she didn't like pooing and would actively try to avoid it for days on end. Then it would hit crisis point; we'd know she'd need to go from the smells but she'd deny it until she had to. Then in tears she'd sit on the loo and produce turds that would have shamed a Texan Oilman. I' swear one was a foot long which from a torso that was only about 2.5 feet long at the time astonished us.
She's normal now, thankfully.
I think of a dangerfart as 'like twisting on 19'
And obviously we've all done at least one magic poo. You strained, you felt it come out but when you stood up it was nowhere to be seen. All that remained was a faint wiff of poo and maybe a light stain on the u-bend.
And the less common, crimp-proof poo. It's a hard slog but you feel the time has come to crimp. You're sweating lightly through the effort but it really is now time to part company with your poo. You clutch the appropriate muscles but that baby does not want to say bye, bye. Crimp...Crimp!... CRIMP!!! Nope, it's hanging there, all 12 inches and it's still got a very tough grip on your spinchter. There's only one thing for it, you're going to have to dangle-break it. Lift a small amount off the seat and shake your hips. you can feel the thing banging against the sides of the bowl but it's not letting go.
What now? Wait and hope? Bounce a little?
Eventually through whatever means you part company and survey your output. It's the size of a well fed cucumber and it's got the consistency of a candle. You pray, pray for a bog brush to be in evidence otherwise it's getting left for the next occupant.
I think of a dangerfart as Russian poolette 😀
Somebody left one grounded in the pan the other day. Its dimensions were that of a Watney's Party Four. I was startled.
if we're talking about kids pooing here's my anecdote.
At about 3 or 4 months old my daughter was still being breast fed and only used to poo if she sat on my lap and I rubbed her back.
I fell off my bike and broke my hip and was in hospital for 3 or 4 days.
She stopped pooing.
I got home, sat on the sofa with my leg up feeling a bit fragile, she was put on my lap to say hello and have a cuddle, I touched her back to support her and she, errm, let it all out.
We practically had to hose the lounge out.
Went at work this morning, found that my first choice of trap already contained what Doctor Raymond Stantz might have termed a free floating, full torso, vaporous apparition. Nothing quite puts you off your stride like lifting the lid and finding someone else's Richard winking cheerily back at you.
I'm leaving my job in a fortnight. I could have some trap-based fun...
just returned from a lovely poo here at the office, freshly clean loo and all.
My 2 year old daughter looks all sweet and innocent
...but she craps like a Belgian Paratrooper.
eyerideit, some time ago...
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timely thread... i jsut spent 45 minutes unblocking a toilet that a patient had left this morning without informing me or my staff, it was about the size of a pint glass in both width and length... glad i've been going to the gym as it took a fair bit of strength to break it down, that was just the visible bit left in the bowl, what was in the u-bend took AGES to break down. was nearly sick about 8 times but now its all clear and clean again.
the joys of being a nurse.
[i]without informing me or my staff [/i]
that's tricky conversation, though.
Patient: "Have you got any wire coathangers?"
Nurse: "Why?"
Patient: " No reason." *wanders off whistling innocently*
or
Patient: "I've just passed a stool the size of a Zepplin, sort it out, there's a good nurse"
?
a simple "i've blocked the toilet" would've been enough, knowing the guys history i'm safe in betting its not the first time! instead i only realised when i took somebody up there to quote us for a new shower screen.
he's only been with us a couple of weeks and is still settling in, at the moment i'm having to tell him off about 3 times a day and the therapeutic relationship is only being held together by my ability to forgive lol
Surely the NHS could stump up for one of these?
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It even has different attachments.
I was in hospital for a few days a couple of years back and the old boy in the bed next to me struggled out of bed one morning and was shuffling along when all of a sudden there was a noise similar to that of a hot rod starting up. He turned right around and headed back to bed.
HA! we're not NHS unfortunately otherwise I'd have been able to call up the maintenance team to deal with it!
i can see that thing turning up in my nightmares.
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I saw a film about that once.
Except there were two chefs.
And there was no cooking involved.
from a topical tweet;
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saw a film about that once.Except there were two chefs.
And there was no cooking involved
Was there a hiball tumbler involved at some point?
And obviously we've all done at least one magic poo. You strained, you felt it come out but when you stood up it was nowhere to be seen. All that remained was a faint wiff of poo and maybe a light stain on the u-bend.
We calls them ghost poos and when there's no trace on the paper - they're called ghost angels.
The ones that lurk around the u bend are Congas
BTW what's a dangerfart is it a Whinnet/Cling on?
2 girls and a cup anyone? 😯
Don't ever ever ever watch it, it will leave you mentally scared for years.
I thought a dangerfart was when you're quietly deflating to yourself and you suddenly have to shut your bum in a hurry as the fart got unexpectedly wider.
"like a flock of pigeons taking off" has to be the best description ever 😆
I once had a whole week of clean getaways, suffice to say it was the best week of my life.
Someone on the first floor of my office is very, very unwell...the fumes from the lav are distinctly meaty with overtones of camembert and cat food.
*cries*
Just been mailed this
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Any takers?
This will run for a thousand posts easy...
Also, can't quite believe that I'm the first person to suggest this: but emsz, have you considered
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I believe that this is an abbreviated classification table.
For the full classification you really ought to look up [b]"I'm from Aberdare Maan" [/b]on YouTube.
This classic catalogues the full range varieties that are possible based on a Valley's diet.
I highlighted this on the Rugby thread a few days ago - but it rteally does have relevance here !!
It's probably still NSFW unless you're not overlooked!
I'd put an embed in, but there a few naughty words
two stool charts on the same thread, we're doing well 🙂
Type 1: Peanuts
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Type 7: Guinness
My gran always said "A pint of stout'll flush it out"
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Hello.
the bend on my pan is too acute for a man who enjoys eggs
Like a baby's arm holding an apple it were.......
Like a baby's arm holding an apple it were.......
Not sure you're looking at the same page of the urban dictionary as everyone else 😆
I never really come on here that often but when I do I usually end up needing new ribs due to laughing too hard.
Had my parents round recently as we they were visiting their new grandson when my OH comes in from the lavatory and says "Matt, do you want to get rid of this?". Turns out the bog flush was ineffective against a turd that stands proud of the water line by a good 5 inches. Took 3 more flushes and a beating with the bog brush before it relented and crawled into the sewers.
I often get accused of leaving a small gift in the pan for my wife after my morning's... movement. Why they choose to float I do not know, but they do cause a lot of friction in this household.
Honestly, you'd think she'd be grateful I remembered to put her iPad back after I'd used it for light reading instead of a magazine. Some women...
Wonder if a passing mod would be kind enough to re-entitle this thread:
"PSA - MASSIVE CLEAROUT !!"
One of the other finest threads on STW - "smuggling ducks"....
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I've just had a horrendous flashback Rossi46's contribution to [url= http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/awesome-baby-present ]this thread[/url]