Forum menu
Empathy isn't a strong point of yours is it cougar...
Anyway, thanks for the responses everyone
...she pretty much signed away everything, never spoke to a lawyer despite me constantly telling her to do so.Perhaps she's had enough of men telling her what to do after the last one got her in bother with HMRC? But I think your "she doesn't take anything seriously" is far more common that you think. Someone else said "surely she's got it all in a folder", oh how naive you all are. Certainly, there are organised people who have everything in a file, and who get independent advice, etc. Those people are not usually in a financial mess, and whilst they might not be well paid, they can usually find ways to get beyond minimum wage. There are lots of people who muddle through life in a state of chaos, often because a partner either controlled their life or did everything for them, sometimes because they aren't very good with forms and paperwork or numbers and spreadsheets. When you meet someone who is in their forties who on the face of things is getting by in life but you realise actually doesn't have a great grasp of reading, or who is financially totally out of control its often not a sign of their failings but of society, the education system and everyone around them who made it unapproachable to get help when the struggled.
She clearly knows the status of her divorce and won't tell me honestly
There's three obvious possibilities here:
1. She has no idea, because dealing with the courts is a nightmare for the general public. They talk in funny language, they are almost as hard to get through to on the phone as a GP appointment and the overworked staff don't really have the patience to explain to someone who is mid-divorce but can't find the case reference number and doesn't understand the process, how to get information. They are also spectacularly archaic in how they do things and so hearings are often face to face, forms are on paper and why send an email when a letter will do!
2. The divorce has gone through, she is now divorced on terms you don't approve of, and told her she would be an idiot to accept. She is scared to tell you that she's divorced and come away with nothing and worried how you will react.
3. The divorce is still pending and she's hoping to pocket some cash because you helped her out, but she's not telling you because once the money comes in she's off...
To me they are all plausable. No 2 is a you problem. No 1 is quite believable to me, and the fact she's not asking you for help probably also means there's a bit of a you problem. You can tell me no 2 is not real, but you are asking a bunch of strangers for relationship and financial advice on a MTB forum - that's not the sign of someone who is looking to calmly chat through stuff and doesn't care what the outcome is. You might think you are but your OP says you are furious, and another post cynical etc. If the shoe was on the other foot how keen would you be to have that discussion?
In terms of a fair household split - if she moves out how much "less" will you be paying a month? You'll save 25% on council tax but have to pay the food shopping. I suspect those roughly cancel out. Doesn't mean you've got the split right but this isn't really about money.
Empathy isn't a strong point of yours is it cougar...
Nothing to do with empathy. You solicited opinions from a collective of relative strangers, by choice as you said in your OP, so that's what you've received. You're more than welcome to ignore them of course.
I feel for you, I genuinely do. We've probably all been in variously lumpy situations, I certainly have. But if you want people to tell you what you want to hear then you're in the wrong place I'm afraid. I can't conscientiously sugar-coat that, you didn't come here for a pat on the head did you now. Sorry.
You want the relationship to work out or you don't, it really is that simple. That decision is on you, we can then work with either conclusion. What do you want?
Nothing you've said here is insurmountable, what else is going on in your head or in your lives otherwise might be.
Do you know many men who have done the same?
No , actually I don't. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry to read this and wish you all the best.
Only constructive thing I can say is I wanted to know where all my money goes so was planning writing down costs in food, house, car etc. I really cba, but my bank account does it for me. It's pretty accurate and summarises each category of spend.
Have a sit down and go through the accounts.
Yeah you both need to lay your cards on the table before taking things further...
No vague debts and never ending divorce situation.
If she's not prepared to be 100% transparrent and gets angry about it, there's no moving forward from that.
2. The divorce has gone through, she is now divorced on terms you don't approve of, and told her she would be an idiot to accept. She is scared to tell you that she's divorced and come away with nothing and worried how you will react.
Well surprise surprise, but after I sat down with her this evening and asked her to be honest with me, by total 'coincidence' apparently she found out only today that the divorce has gone through. The court apparently didn't receive the recorded letter of objection in time, despite her previous assurance that she had the delivery receipt. Obviously she wouldn't keep evidence of such a fairly critical piece of evidence of postage...I mean why would you right?🫣
No 2 is a you problem.
No it's not. Its a problem with her xxxx of an ex husband who woukd fly off the handle at her for making such a idiotic decision and as such she was probably petrified at what my reaction woukd be
In reality what was my reaction...OK fine nothing we can do about it now, let's just move on. Not worth mentioning again
I've told her she needs to be speaking to hmrc tomorrow however, as there is no way she shoukd be paying 400 quid a month back. She needs to get in writing how much in total is owed, and how long she's expected to be paying 400 quid a month. That'll quickly tell her what percentage of the debt she's paying. I expect the vast majority.
The ex sounds like a bullying, greedy xxxx tbf
Nice job fella. I respect how you've dealt with things.
I'd want to see papers confirming the divorce, and papers from HMRC explaining exactly what the debt/overpayment is, and how it's split between her and the ex... if shes paying £400 he is also surley paying £400..? I dunno how the hell you accidently rack up that kind of overpayment to justify £800 a month payback... 🤨 sounds kinda sus.
if shes paying £400 he is also surley paying £400..? I dunno how the hell you accidently rack up that kind of overpayment to justify £800 a month payback...
sounds kinda sus.
Well yes it does a little doesn't it..
If there was 50 quid missing from my pay packet a month I'd be on the phone to hr within minutes questioning exactly why.
She's having 1/4 of her salary taken every month, and she has not even questioned it. She has zero idea how much she owes, how long she'll be paying, what her split of the debt is. It's absolutely crazy it's happened for 3 months and the only reason she's calling them noe is because I've badgered her to. I know noone else who would do this?
It's nuts..
I've told her she needs to be speaking to hmrc tomorrow however,
and
the only reason she's calling them noe is because I've badgered her to.
there’s why she won’t discuss it with you. There is a you problem - you are just another man in her life telling her what to do and badgering her to do things your way.
Is she telling you the whole truth, even now? probably not; is she paying all of the debt? probably. Should she be? Who knows. Should you put up with it - I don’t know.
Some folk just aren't very good at adulting. Keeping important stuff in a folder? Dealing with our legal system? Avoiding debt? Being assertive when it counts? There's lots of holier-than-thou comments being thrown around here and little empathy for someone in a difficult position.
It's already been said that the OP is in a position of some power over their partner by dint of the accommodation position and that might be creating a bit of a barrier. Maybe being clearer about what said partner brings to the relationship and how the OP feels about them emotionally might help balance that out. I'm really not seeing much positive emotion in this thread.
I'd also like to suggest involving a 3rd party. A relationship counsellor perhaps, but one who might be able to help the OPs partner dealing with some of the financial issues too.
there’s why she won’t discuss it with you. There is a you problem - you are just another man in her life telling her what to do and badgering her to do things your way.
Well I'm going to flat out disagree with that. I'm nothing like her abusive ex
When she initially moved in she didn't have a job. I proposed she signed on which she agreed was a good idea. A month later having never mentioned it again I asked her if she'd received any money yet...nope not a penny as she 'hadn't got round to it yet'...so she lost out on money there
Next was the divorce, I told her she should see a lawyer, she agreed she should. Never mentioned it again.6 months later she hadnt. I then offered to pay for her to see one, she never got round to it. And then she missed the deadline for her divorce payments, despite me telling her she needed to get it in plenty of time, potentially having a massive impact on her life
And now we have a situation where she is losing a quarter of her wage every month, has been for 3 months, and has done nothing about it
If 'badgering' my partner to take affirmative action to protect her own interests, when she's clearly shown multiple times if I don't it'll end up to her detriment, makes me a bad person, then I'm more than happy with that
She has many many good points, but organisation, financial matters, and affirmative action are not among them. Quite simply, if I don't badger her to do stuff she won't. And that will end up very much her problem, not mine, as we've seen multiple times already
Out of interest what would you be suggesting I do here exactly? Just leaving her to her own devices is not working out for her too well is it?
I'm really not seeing much positive emotion in this thread.
She knows exactly how I feel about her, and I've explained numerous times I'm trying to help her.
there’s why she won’t discuss it with you. There is a you problem - you are just another man in her life telling her what to do and badgering her to do things your way.
Well I'm going to flat out disagree with that. I'm nothing like her abusive ex
I don't think I suggested you were - but there's clearly a spectrum and you are a man trying to control her life - quite possibly for her best interests but she seems to be resisting so clearly she isn't asking you to tell her what to do because she doesn't know.
When she initially moved in she didn't have a job. I proposed she signed on which she agreed was a good idea. A month later having never mentioned it again I asked her if she'd received any money yet...nope not a penny as she 'hadn't got round to it yet'...so she lost out on money thereNext was the divorce, I told her she should see a lawyer, she agreed she should. Never mentioned it again.6 months later she hadnt. I then offered to pay for her to see one, she never got round to it. And then she missed the deadline for her divorce payments, despite me telling her she needed to get it in plenty of time, potentially having a massive impact on her life
And now we have a situation where she is losing a quarter of her wage every month, has been for 3 months, and has done nothing about it
If 'badgering' my partner to take affirmative action to protect her own interests, when she's clearly shown multiple times if I don't it'll end up to her detriment, makes me a bad person, then I'm more than happy with that
She has many many good points, but organisation, financial matters, and affirmative action are not among them. Quite simply, if I don't badger her to do stuff she won't.
My bold - but your words. It doesn't actually seem like your interventions are particularly effective.
well you are on here asking for advice so it does seem like its become your problem anyway.And that will end up very much her problem, not mine, as we've seen multiple times already
Discuss, encourage, don't tell. I don't know the people - she might want you to help. She might even want more support - like actually joining her in meetings/calls. We can't possibly know. Perhaps some sort of 3rd party like Scotroutes suggests. Perhaps its sitting down with a budget and having a real heart to heart - nothing about ex husbands on HMRC just what you BOTH have coming in and going out and see what you agree. Perhaps a joint account to show their's mutual trust.Out of interest what would you be suggesting I do here exactly? Just leaving her to her own devices is not working out for her too well is it?
Perhaps a joint account to show their's mutual trust.
Nooöoooooooo
Even leaving aside the grammar!
NOooooooooo
Perhaps a joint account to show their's mutual trust.
Nooöoooooooo
Even leaving aside the grammar!
NOooooooooo
Hey my grammar is almost as bad as the forum formatting which didn't hightlight the words I put in bold!
If I was in her shoes, if some guy is going to start telling me how to manage my money and demanding I contribute more to the household bills I would feel much more comfortable if there was evidence of a commitment to the relationship with all the bills coming from a joint account and payments into that account at agreed amounts (by all means keep your own money for bikes, beer, handbags etc).
It doesn't actually seem like your interventions are particularly effective.
Well clearly mentioning it as a good idea once in a blue moon then letting her get on with things didnt work. Hence why im now 'badgering her' Let's see if that approach works any better
Discuss, encourage, don't tell. I don't know the people - she might want you to help. She might even want more support - like actually joining her in meetings/calls. We can't possibly know
We do discuss, I encourage her to do this stuff, there is no shouting or raised voices. We agree a way forward, then she never does anything about it
I've offered to pay for 3rd party legal support, I've put her in touch with my mates wife who turned out was a family lawyer, I've offered to attend meetings with lawyers with her...
Perhaps a joint account to show their's mutual trust.
You must be joking right....
I have however already suggested we share exactly what money we both have coming in and going out based on that suggestion yesterday. She seemed Luke warm to the idea.
Agree with most of what Poly is saying, except the joint bank account - too soon for that.
It is super early days especially as she has only been in work for such a short time. I reckon it has taken us about 22 years to get on a even keel financially - life is properly messy. Along the way we have dealt with:
15 years to extract my now wife from the financial clutches of her ex through a refusal to deal with shared property.
£50k of rent for the years the above house was unfit to live in
Pathetic child support contributions from her ex
Redundancy
1 week away from bankruptcy
No income through COVID
Adult children that are not financially independent (hasn't gone away)
The list goes on.
Some people genuinely can't engage with this stuff, demand avoidance is a real condition. When we moved house we had a paperwork bonfire to clear the decks. I found a letter in a file my wife had from HMRC, it was actually a tax rebate for a few hundred quid (would have been a significant amount at the time given the situation) with a cheque attached to the bottom. Such was her inability to deal with this stuff she had just filed it without looking at what it was, HMRC=bad news. Years past being able to cash or get a replacement. Inside I was seething, but she was so ashamed I couldn't really make it worse so whats the point in making a big thing about it.
I will always earn more, so I suppose I have a dominant financial influence, but you really need to have some patience if you want the relationship to work.
Nobody wants to be patronised, belittled etc, and in no way am I suggesting that is what you do, but until such time she acknowledges that there are important matters she is neglecting as well as not being truthful with you but importantly herself then nothing will change. Surely as a first step some sort of therapy is required to find out why she's evading personal responsibility. There'll be a reason for it but will she answer tough questions to put her on the road to hopefully making some slow but steady progress. Best of luck.
demanding I contribute more to the household bills I would feel much more comfortable if there was evidence of a commitment to the relationship with all the bills coming from a joint account
But if youd been actually paying attention im not demanding anything of the sort..all the house hold bills are paid by me...out of my account. I'm not asking her to make a contribution to any of them. Why then would she possibly need access to that account?
The only thing I've asked her for was a contribution to the backdated bill for the council tax which is a one off payment
So if I'm not asking her to contribute to household bills why am I bothered about the state of her finances you may ask. Well because she's 47, i care about her, and she has no assets whatsoever, she clearly can't manage her finances correctly, and whether she stays with me or not, in the long run that's a really bad position for someone to find themselves in
Nobody wants to be patronised, belittled etc, and in no way am I suggesting that is what you do, but until such time she acknowledges that there are important matters she is neglecting as well as not being truthful with you but importantly herself then nothing will change. Surely as a first step some sort of therapy is required to find out why she's evading personal responsibility. There'll be a reason for it but will she answer tough questions to put her on the road to hopefully making some slow but steady progress. Best of luck.
Thanks for this, I agree. But easier said than done unfortunately
A joint bank account would be crazy - this £400ppm debt needs to be clarified, there's far too many question marks and whether his partner is sensitive about it or not, it all needs to be out in the open before any further financial entanglement.
As a cynical bystander looking in, she could have an online poker gambling problem or something, stranger things have happened at sea but it needs addressing whether she likes it or not, or the relationship is ultimatley over.
This is an absolutely fascinating thread and I'm finding all the diverse views hugely interesting.
If I was in her shoes, if some guy is going to start telling me how to manage my money and demanding I contribute more to the household bills I would feel much more comfortable if there was evidence of a commitment to the relationship with all the bills coming from a joint account and payments into that account at agreed amounts (by all means keep yo
I'm intrigued by the above. I think the OP has already replied on this, so won't add any more but I'm amazed by what people think.
PoS forum
demanding I contribute more to the household bills I would feel much more comfortable if there was evidence of a commitment to the relationship with all the bills coming from a joint account
But if youd been actually paying attention im not demanding anything of the sort..all the house hold bills are paid by me...out of my account. I'm not asking her to make a contribution to any of them. Why then would she possibly need access to that account?
The only thing I've asked her for was a contribution to the backdated bill for the council tax which is a one off payment
So if I'm not asking her to contribute to household bills why am I bothered about the state of her finances you may ask. Well because she's 47, i care about her, and she has no assets whatsoever, she clearly can't manage her finances correctly, and whether she stays with me or not, in the long run that's a really bad position for someone to find themselves in
I'll tell you what I'm hearing here: I pay all the food bills, he forgot to tell the council tax about the change of status and suddenly asked me to contribute because of his mistake. Yet he believes I'm sponging off him and should be more open about my finances when its not like he's proposing a more serious relationship where we are financially tied together. Perhaps a touch of hyperbole for artistic effect but are you really asking a bunch of middle-aged (ex)mountainbikers if you should stick with your partner rather than having this discussion with her? Either that's because you want a different view, which I'm giving you, or its because she doesn't actually feel comfortable having open and frank conversations. That might not be your fault - but I doubt it is entirely hers either.
Its been a very long time since I've been at your stage of relationship; but if she's already repeatedly telling you she will do things that she doesn't there's an issue there. I encounter all sorts of people from those at 47 who are very well set up and really thinking about retirement rather than survival to those who are skimping on food for the last week of every month till the next pay cheque comes in. If your financial expectations are so far apart, I don't see how you can build a relationship, but that's not simply about you saying she is ****less, the fact you have (or think you have) made good decisions to get you to where you are now doesn't mean you should determine everything for her going forward.
"What can I do to help?", is very different from, "Here's what you should do".
If your financial expectations are so far apart, I don't see how you can build a relationship
There are millions of relationships where one partner is 'the money' person and the other is bloody clueless.
It doesn't mean the one who manages the money is the controlling partner in the relationship.
You seem to be making some big assumptions about tpbiker based on a few paragraphs of info.
I'm sorry but this has more red flags than a communist military parade...
How the hell do you not only get hit with a £400ppm payment plan from HMRC, but not know how long it will take to pay off or what the total is? is it even fair/ is she paying for her exes portion if hes done a runner and they are jointly liable?
And.. if shes on minumum wage, would they not agree to a less agressive repayment plan given the circumstances? if she were single, that kind of debt on that wage, plus all other living expenses would bankrupt her in no time at all.
It's just not adding up...
There are millions of relationships where one partner is 'the money' person and the other is bloody clueless.
It doesn't mean the one who manages the money is the controlling partner in the relationship.
Correct - but those are entered into as mutual agreement. There's zero evidence here that she actually want's tp's input (given he's had to coax the information from her) or that she values it once she's got it (given she doesn't seem to have done any of the things he told her to, or taken up his offers to help get legal advice!)
There are millions of relationships where one partner is 'the money' person and the other is bloody clueless.
It doesn't mean the one who manages the money is the controlling partner in the relationship.
Correct - but those are entered into as mutual agreement. There's zero evidence here that she actually want's tp's input (given he's had to coax the information from her) or that she values it once she's got it (given she doesn't seem to have done any of the things he told her to, or taken up his offers to help get legal advice!)
But that doesn't mean he's doing something wrong... The posts you've written make him sound like he's in the wrong here.
How the hell do you not only get hit with a £400ppm payment plan from HMRC, but not know how long it will take to pay off or what the total is?really there are lots of people that totally detached from their financial situation. Some don't read their mail, some can't read or don't understand it (HMRC correspondence is often atrocious), some just don't want to. The people that get themselves in bother with HMRC probably have a big overlap with those groups, because thats how they got the numbers wrong in the first place.
HMRC and Benefits overpayment collection people are rarely gentle on the uninitiated. Have a £million house, a huge pension pot and an accountant to negotiate on your behald and you can probably negotiate to repay a small amount a month over a long time. Have nothing and they will threaten court / prosecution / earnings arrestments etc. Its really not that different to the post office scandal - fear and complicated processes are used to get you to admit to simple errors with staff likely incentivised (or at least targetted) to maximise recovery.is it even fair/ is she paying for her exes portion if hes done a runner and they are jointly liable? And.. if shes on minumum wage, would they not agree to a less agressive repayment plan given the circumstances?
its not impossible that HMRC have taken into account her current living arrangements in determining what they expect. Ironically tp's "generosity" might actually mean she is paying more (quicker).if she were single, that kind of debt on that wage, plus all other living expenses would bankrupt her in no time at all.
How the hell do you not only get hit with a £400ppm payment plan from HMRC, but not know how long it will take to pay off or what the total is?really there are lots of people that totally detached from their financial situation. Some don't read their mail, some can't read or don't understand it (HMRC correspondence is often atrocious), some just don't want to. The people that get themselves in bother with HMRC probably have a big overlap with those groups, because thats how they got the numbers wrong in the first place.HMRC and Benefits overpayment collection people are rarely gentle on the uninitiated. Have a £million house, a huge pension pot and an accountant to negotiate on your behald and you can probably negotiate to repay a small amount a month over a long time. Have nothing and they will threaten court / prosecution / earnings arrestments etc. Its really not that different to the post office scandal - fear and complicated processes are used to get you to admit to simple errors with staff likely incentivised (or at least targetted) to maximise recovery.is it even fair/ is she paying for her exes portion if hes done a runner and they are jointly liable? And.. if shes on minumum wage, would they not agree to a less agressive repayment plan given the circumstances?its not impossible that HMRC have taken into account her current living arrangements in determining what they expect. Ironically tp's "generosity" might actually mean she is paying more (quicker).if she were single, that kind of debt on that wage, plus all other living expenses would bankrupt her in no time at all.
How would they know about her current living situation?
I will also say something is not adding up here. I'd be cautious, having been taken for a ride in a previous relationship and ending up losing a verry large amount of money over it all.
One point of note. A person can be divorced, but can have not yet reached a financial settlement. I was in this state for 8 years where my ex-wife wouldn't respond to letters from solicitors. It doesn't make much sense to me that she'd be liable to pay the HMRC yet have not reached any form of financial settlement. How did she manage to do this without the aid of a solicitor, and if she had the aid of a solicitor, they would have surely strongly advised her to get a good settlement, especially given the children?
I think you sometimes have to view a relationship with a business head on, rather than an emotional/romantic head on. Can you discuss the issues sensibly and honestly and work together on them? I struggle to see how the relationship will continue if you cannot. This effects you both, so you're not trying to "control" someone, it's something you both need to work through.
I don't know how long you've been together, but the fact that she's living with you means she potentially has a partial claim on your house, especially given the children, so I'd certainly be wanting to sort this out as soon as possible.
How the hell do you not only get hit with a £400ppm payment plan from HMRC, but not know how long it will take to pay off or what the total is?really there are lots of people that totally detached from their financial situation. Some don't read their mail, some can't read or don't understand it (HMRC correspondence is often atrocious), some just don't want to. The people that get themselves in bother with HMRC probably have a big overlap with those groups, because thats how they got the numbers wrong in the first place.HMRC and Benefits overpayment collection people are rarely gentle on the uninitiated. Have a £million house, a huge pension pot and an accountant to negotiate on your behald and you can probably negotiate to repay a small amount a month over a long time. Have nothing and they will threaten court / prosecution / earnings arrestments etc. Its really not that different to the post office scandal - fear and complicated processes are used to get you to admit to simple errors with staff likely incentivised (or at least targetted) to maximise recovery.is it even fair/ is she paying for her exes portion if hes done a runner and they are jointly liable? And.. if shes on minumum wage, would they not agree to a less agressive repayment plan given the circumstances?its not impossible that HMRC have taken into account her current living arrangements in determining what they expect. Ironically tp's "generosity" might actually mean she is paying more (quicker).if she were single, that kind of debt on that wage, plus all other living expenses would bankrupt her in no time at all.
OP doesn't even know for sure that she likes a bit of sniff and owes a drug dealer a load of money.
There's being bad with money and there's being hit with a £400 per month bill that you allegedly don't know the total of and what the repayment terms are...
Yet he believes I'm sponging off him and should be more open about my finances when its not like he's proposing a more serious relationship where we are financially tied together
There has generally been some great advice on this thread which some of it I have already acted on. The above wild assumption is absolutely drivel however .
Up until yesterday I've never questioned her finances. Not once up until 2 days ago have I ever asked her where the best part of a grand a month, that I assumed she had as her own 'spare cash', goes.
You make me sound like I'm some kind of controlling partner, because I pay the bills. Let's be very clear, I pay the bills because I had assumed that after I had, we'd be both left with a similar amount of spare cash.
I've made it perfectly clear previously I'm happy to continue to do so, but likewise if she wants to start contributing more she can. No pressure from me at all.
I'm not telling her to do anything, I'm not standing over her demanding she speaks to a lawyer or the hmrc. What I'm telling her is that it would be a very good idea to do so. And she clearly needs continuous encouragement to do it otherwise as has been proven, nothing gets done. And this is to her detriment, not mine.
From the sounds of it her financial cluelessness perhaps stems from her previous relationship, a xxxx of an ex who controlled the finances then tricked her into signing away any claim to any of their shared assets. But she isn't in that relationship anymore, so whether she's with me or anyone else, or on her own, she needs to sort that aspect of her life out
Also..Muffin man has it spot on.
Correct - but those are entered into as mutual agreement. There's zero evidence here that she actually want's tp's input (given he's had to coax the information from her) or that she values it once she's got it (given she doesn't seem to have done any of the things he told her to, or taken up his offers to help get legal advice!)
I don't think giving your partner the advice ' seek legal advice ASAP or you will lose what you are legally entitled to' is being intrusive, pushy, controlling or unreasonable. Infact as I recall you yourself said that's exactly what she shoukd be doing in a separate thread. So stop making me out to be the bad guy here.
I don't mean any offense, so apologies if I caused any, I appreciate it's a difficult situation.
All I'm trying to say is that you really have no first hand information as to what's going on, and all she's told you, assuming it's the truth, is that she doesn't either.
That's fixable and you should of course work with her on it.
On the flip side I've seen people get well and truly tucked up as it might be the tip of the iceberg.
really there are lots of people that totally detached from their financial situation. Some don't read their mail, some can't read or don't understand it (HMRC correspondence is often atrocious), some just don't want to.
100% this ^^.
People go into a sense of denial. Shame, fear, embarrassment, whatever. Add in the emotional upset of a divorce and a complete change of circumstances, it's easy to see why denial and trying to hide from it all seems a very rational plan for the person concerned.
You're trying to keep a grip on reality (so fairly normal spending as much as possible), you're trying to maintain social status (so you accept the invite to the pub, the meal out, the cinema, even though you can't really afford it), the problem snowballs.
It's a big scary problem to deal with, there are big scary people and organisations behind it - as mentioned above credit card companies and HMRC / DWP are not the most sympathetic of people...
I don't mean any offense, so apologies if I caused any, I appreciate it's a difficult situation.
No offence taken fella. I too find it very hard to beleive that if someone noticed a huge wedge of their monthly income disappearing they wouldn't want to know the exact details of why.
But that's just me. Do I beleive she's telling me the truth, actually yes. But she needs to get on top of that sharpish. I'd say the same to a partner, friend, or a random on this forum. Not for my sake but for theirs
It's basic money management. As she has found out to her detriment already, it has cost her many thousands of pounds already
The more I read the more I think you are dating a teenager. Not a grown up 47yr old.
Please dont take this as harsh critisism but can she mentally process simple maths and understand basic income V expenditure?
Its not a problem if she cant, as long as she acknowledges the fact, or , even worse, if she can and totally understands but then sticks her head in a bucket of sand and just ignores things that require a mediocum of thought processing and time ( as that is keeping her away from Love Island - Tik Tok Reels - Corri - TOWIE ) . Then at least you might stand a fighting chance . - if she accepts that its not her thing and its costing her money to be unaware of whats going on and you really want to / would like to help her as its in her best interest to be on top of grown up stuff.
The HMRC payments might be BS. sounds like an extremely harsh repayment scheme if true. How long did the ex say he wasnt working for ? Bet she doesn't have any pension in place or savings for car repairs - insurance - replacement vehicle.
Up to you if you decide to stick or twist . If it were me , I could maybe overlook past financial debacles if all pertinent info was out in the open and she accepts that everything you do is in her best interest and she lets you get on with it, rather than her sweeping it under the carpet and hoping it will all be ok.
The more I read the more I think you are dating a teenager. Not a grown up 47yr old.
You've not met my 54 year old sister! 🙂
She's bloody useless with money had been in debt loads of times and she openly admits she needs her very frugal husband to keep her in check. He's the big earner and just transfers her an 'allowance' so she doesn't spend on useless shit.
I think it's important not to be controlling here...
But you do need facts before you can move forward or make a decision on your future.
You're essentially at stalemate at the moment and to move forward in that unknown position is just not tenable.
Once you both know the lay of the land you can move forwards and plan how to tackle the debt together.
At the moment it seems it's just question mark after question mark.
Sound like my sister. She ended up tapping my parents for £40k after she split with her ex. To buy a small house outright but has no job. I did her a quick spreadsheet to put incomings/outgoings into to see if she could sustain herself.
She didn't and I suspect lives every month in the red just waiting for an inheritance to come and reset her pennies (it's not coming soon). We don't speak.
I did her a quick spreadsheet to put incomings/outgoings into to see if she could sustain herself.
That sums up the experts on this thread in one short statement. 🤣