Oh, fearless mote! Dancing in the fickle vicissitudes of sunbeam-warmed Brownian tumultuousness! Unaware of the larger, sinister forces at work, such as a fast moving cat within earshot of the opening of a tin of Whiskas. Seriously – you ever seen a cat run through a smoky room? It’s like that bit in one of the Matrix movies where Neo flies down a street and the cars tumble. But without cars, and with more cats. So not very like it, I suppose.
Oh, well.
Now I’ve got you thinking of cats, and smoke, and Whiskas, you’re probably in the perfect frame of mind to stare at pictures of bike stuff on the interwebs! So here you are!
Welcome to Fresh Goods Friday! Packed with all your favourite joke!
Intense Spider 275C FTY (Factory spec.)
Price: £7,999.99
From: Saddleback
Ah, the Intense Spider 275C. As you might suspect, it’s got 27.5in wheels. And the C denotes really rather a lot of carbon. Frame, bars, cranks, wheels… the ‘spider’ doesn’t denote the number of legs, however. 115mm to 130mm travel (130mm fork, too). It’s boost (natch), and it’s running long, and low. It’s very long, actually. Not quite Mondraker long (what is?) but it’s practically up there. It’s longer than a lifetime, if you measure lifetimes in inches. And if they’re always shorter than this.
Um.
Help?
Someone on Facebook queried , ‘oh my goodness [edited for a family audience – Ed] who says BRAAAP anyway?’. Well, we do, so I’ll get it in early. BRAAAAAAP.
Blingy carbon cranks. They’re attached to silly short chainstays – 419mm keeps the back end tucked in as if it’s hiding.
Stockport’s finest stem and bars bedeck the front end. No, not the Blossoms. They’re dead good though.
The other end of those chainstays, so you can clearly appreciate how short they are. 11 speed movement gubbins, natch, and all that Boost goodness (Slightly rippled, with a flat underside.)
WTB and Schwalbe tyre combo lovingly wrap DT Swiss’ poshness.
Lower pivot point yields 115mm of travel; the higher one yields the full 130mm of trail-taming awesomeness. Ti bits and pieces, too to keep the weight down and the bling up.
Fox 34s. Stiffer than 32s, lighter than 36s. Also, matching decals. And who doesn’t love matching decals? Apart from possibly these fine fellows.
Yes, XTR stoppers. Well, duh. No expense spared… as you’d expect, looking at the pricetag. 67.5 degree headset and 75 degree effective seat tube, too. Modern geo, innit?
California Republic. Wait, what? I thouught California had a king?
This is, as you’ll no doubt have noticed, the ultra bling no-expense-spared ‘factory’ spec. Other, cheaper specs are available of course, but they didn’t come into the office for testing, so we don’t talk about them. Capeesh?
Lezyne Digital Pressure Overdrive
Price: £129.99
From: Upgrade
It’s a digital pump, With a charge cylinder so you can push tubeless tyres onto recalcitrant rims (bandname anyone?). Metal in all the right places, and wood in the right places too. You activate the charged cylinder with a triumphant stamp on a foot lever and all. Triumphant chortle as your tyre inflates is, however, optional.
Vyro AmEn1 crank
Price: €395
From: Vyro
We ran a story about this little puppy during the week. It’s essentially a clever way of reintroducing shifting to the front chainring again – using four separate big chainring quarters which can pivot over the granny ring, seamlessly lifting the chain onto and off your granny, like a gentle OAP dominatrix.
Too far?
If you’re curious, here’s the back. The funny round thing in the previous pic attaches to your ISCG mounts, and moves a doohickey to contact the widgets, which push a thing and turn a lever and move the chainring quarter. It’s all very clever. Comes with a BB, too. I’ve got a picture, but I’m not going to show you because a) time, and b) it’s a BB. You know what it looks like.
Ancient Fat Tyre Flyer Magazines
Price: less
From: the Annals of Time
Arguably the very first MTB magazine. Seriously, this is where it all began. It was an experiment with one of these, a rubber band, a tyre dynamo, a pint of coffee and a mars bar which generated the being we all know and revere as Our Beloved Editor, William Chippendale III.
Crank Bros Steve Peat Signature Pedals
Price: £134.99
From: Extra
We’ve already run a story on these bad boys here but in case you’re allergic to links… they’re special autographed pedals, individually numbered, in a black and red ‘colourway’ (aargh) with a Union Jack, and ‘cheers’ written on them presumably to appeal to the US market. There are only 1000 of these puppies available.
Panaracer Driver 29er Pro Tyres
Price: £39.99
From: Zyro
Lethally fast-looking race rubber from Panaracer held aloft by a smiling Kane. 615 grams, and a hard rubber compound means these thing don’t so much BRAAAAAP as NEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW. And that’s all you need to know.
Altura 360 Waterproof Jacket
Price: £169.99
From: Zyro
Handy for the impeding deluge. There’s always one of those, isn’t there? Even on the sunniest days, the British psyche is always looking for a cloud – and a waterproof jacket is just what you need to feel slightly more smug about your preparedness. You can put it next to the jar of cockles you were going to use as a trailside snack.
Mmmm. Cockles.
This one is made from React™ 3 layer fabric, it says here. With stretchy bits, zippy bits, pockety bits and storm cuffs you can remove if it’s not actually storming.
Endura SingleTrack Jacket
Price: £99.99
From: Endura
More waterproof-tacular jacketage from Endura. More zips, more blue, handwarmer pockets, and this one has a napoleon pocket!
…and now to the bit you’ve been waiting for – it’s a clothing-vaganza, largely featuring Troy Lee Designs!
Troy Lee A1 MIPS
Price: £169.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
Like the A1s further down, but with MIPS! And a somewhat more – uh – cheerful colourscheme. And this one is slathered all over Barney’s head, which instantly makes it less appealing. If you bought your own, though, it won’t come with this priceless appendage. You’ll no doubt be pleased to read. As, we imagine, will Barney.
Troy Lee Designs Womens Skyline
Price: £59.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
Short shorts? We like (as it were). Vents, zips, made from fabric (no, really?), and coloured maroon and tartanesque, although some somewhat more muted ones are available, like these:
See?
Troy Lee Designs Skyline Shorts
Price: £59.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
Chaps versions of the ladies’ shorts above. Similar, yet curiously different. Longer, different cut (never!), fewer venty bits, different stretchy bits. Good looking, too. I mean me (and my venty bits).
Troy Lee Designs Gloves – XC, Sprint, Ace, Ace Women (and Ace again)
Price: £24.99, £34.99, £34.99, £34.99 and £34.99 respectively
From: Fisher Outdoor
Gloves. non padded. slightly different features, but you can get most of what you need by looking at the picture. They’re all summer gloves, and they’re all pretty rad-looking…
Altura Lunchbox and Protector undershorts
Price: £34.99
From: Zyro
Lunchbox liners (arf arf) are padded shorts you don’t want to show off – they’re designed especially to be shy, so they can hide within baggies. ErgoFit™ 3D patterning, enhanced moisture management (ooer) an other good stuff.
The protector is similar, but it’s got pads on the side for when you make an arse of yourself and send it down the trail – whatever ‘it’ is. Your dignity?
These bits here will allow you to salvage some residual pride, as you leap up, unscathed, and, triumphant finger aloft, cry “A-ha!”. And then retrieve what’s left of your bike from the trees/bottom of the gorge/next door’s garden.
Altura Attack Three 60 short
Price: £99.99
From: Zyro
Cordura arse, rufty tufty fabrics, vents, and more red than a Chinese political library. Also the fit is more ‘relaxed’ than one of those, too.
Troy Lee Ruckus Formation 3/4 jersey
Price: £49.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
3/4 sleeves, baggy – but – not – too – baggy cut, glasses wipe. It’s a jersey, people. A pretty one, though in my (not particularly) humble opinion.
Troy Lee Designs Sprint Shorts
Price: £79.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
Bright. The pics don’t do then justice, neither. Simple shorts, some pockets, some adjusters, some nice fabric choices, but they’re not to be worn at funerals.
Troy Lee Designs Womens Skyline Top
Price: £44.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
Fitted, innit? Doesn’t fit model Rob though. Much to his chagrin. Also available in…
Women’s Skyline Evil Flowers top
From: Fisher Outdoor
Like the one above but made from this pattern. It’s supposed to be evil flowers. but we think it’s not very flowery. Definitely evil though – it ate all the sausage rolls.
Troy Lee Designs Sprint Jersey
Price: £44.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
It’s a long – sleeved top. Witticism levels are at 5%. (send beer)
Troy Lee A1 Helmets
Price: top 2 – £109; bottom one – £129
From: Fisher Outdoor
Like the helmet up there ^^ except without MIPS or Barney’s head. The bottom one is shinier, and has stickers and a helmet bag, so it’s a bit more.
Troy Lee Designs Skyline Race
Price:£49.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
The back of this has a neat-o silicone reinforcement to the pocket, which also helps to stop any putative backpack from drifting about like Lee Marvin stuck on a lilo.
6D ATB – 1T Helmet
Price: £159.99
From: Decade
No MIPS. This one has ‘Omni-Directional Suspension (ODS) Technology’ – little elastomers which do similar things, but (they claim) better. It’s sort of a helmet within a helmet. Lots of vents, a cool magnetic strap lock, and 27 elastic isolation dampers. We’ve counted.
Troy Lee Designs Speed knee and armpads
Price: £44.99 and £34.99 respectively
Soft knee and arm pads. They’re flexible when you put them on, but hit something pointy and they’ll go all hard and protective and loving. Also handy as knee and arm warmers when it’s chilly but you can’t find your 3/4s. Admit it, you sometimes wear knee pads for that reason, don’t you?
Troy Lee Design Camber Socks
Price: £14.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
Socks. Presumably good ones for cornering.
Troy Lee Designs Skyline Jersey
Price: £44.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
A jersey. Short sleeved. Modelled by this man who’s been at granny’s cough mixture again…
…or this ridiculous idiot who’s.. I have no idea what he’s doing. I don’t WANT to know.
Can I open my eyes again now?
Ruckus Sleeveless Base Layer
Price: £44.99
From: Fisher Outdoor
Someone get me a glass; I’ve just found me a tall drink of water. The vest is neat too…
…it’s got pockets in it so you can still be *so* enduro without a backpack, and as far as we can tell you can still smuggle socks. He’s got lovely shoulders, that boy. Lovely.
*goes for a lie down*
And finally, some music! A bit of a special one this week, as I’ve stopped myself from evangelising too much about this lot until now. But it’s time to come clean. To tear the wafer thin veneer of respectability from my ugly yet boniform carapace, and to declare myself for once and for all:
I am a massive, massive Cardiacs fan. There is no-one else who comes close. Cardiacs are hated and revered in equal measure, but I’m squarely at the far end of the ‘revere’ camp.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am not mistaking fact for opinion: this is the best band there has ever been – even when the bass player (who is Jim, indeed) wears pants in a shed:
Barney out
Comments (9)
Comments Closed
You can by that baselayer with pockets for £40 right now
Your office is a bloody tip. Sort it out.
8K for that Intense?!
You could buy a Robot Bike Co. frame for that…and a car!
Bit harsh, HtS – it’s actually looking fairly tidy at the mo, from where I’m sitting.
Does that Intense come with free ‘Enduro Dirt’ or is that an optional extra?
Lovin’ da Cardiacs btw….
zelak – it’s an optional extra – also comes with a canister of caffeinated ‘Brown Pow’. And glad you like ’em! I may be slightly biased 😉
That Intense could make me go for a 27.5 wheel bike (maybe)! It’s gorge.
Not happy about the dayglo, massive peak helmet trend though. Do people actually replace their helmets to fit in with the latest helmet fashions?? ( I think I know the answer).
christ the price of mtb clothing is ridiculous.
Only 8 grand? Bargain. I assume at that price it will instantly turn me into Aaron Gwin?