Mistresses or lovers. Can it work?

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Mistresses or lovers. Can it work?

227 posts & 89 voices | Started 1 year ago by desperategit | Latest reply from cinnamon_girl

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desperategit - Member

Ok. I normally post under a different name. I'm not prolific or high profile here. I apologise for hiding behind another id. I really would just like th hear if any of the mob here have been where I am and any words of practical advice. Sarcasm humour and spleen all accepted

I've been married 20 years or more. I have kids who I adore the youngest of whom is only 10. I like and respect my wife but she has never ever been keen on hugs intimacy and sex. And less so now. She does not accept this is an issue and will not take it further. We are talking 4 shags a year... I had a good healthy sex life before I married her.

I now have a lover with whom I am much more physically compatible. And I love her. But I love my family and life.

Has anyone known anyone who kept this kind of situation going long term without a breakdown - marital or mental?

Ta

Posted 1 year ago #
restless - Member

no, but i would imagine your wife will find out sooner or later, then kick you out.
you can't have your cake and eat it forever.

Posted 1 year ago #
Joe - Member

haha. I love the shit people post on here. There should be a television program or a book called 'The sad middlegits of middle road on Singletrackworld"

Amazing. Really first class. I follow Singletrack more religiously than any other soap opera.

Anyway...lets get to the advice. Confront her! Tell her you wanna **** more.

Posted 1 year ago #
loddrik - Member

You are a love rat and should be ashamed of yourself!!!

Any pics

Seriously, whilst its not something I'd do, I have known of this sort of thing carrying on without issue. Having said that, I have also knows a couple of situations where things have come to light and families have fallen apart. Everyone can have an opinion but only you know your circumstances truly.

Undoubtedly if it comes on top your kids will be devastated, and it is them who should be considered above all else.

Posted 1 year ago #
samuri - Member

I (sadly) think the answer is to review your marriage. It'll only get worse I think and you have to consider the effect on your family if they find out.

I've seen a lot of couples go through what you're describing. The conclusion is all too common. You need to decide which is more important because they're not compatible IMO.

Posted 1 year ago #
2hottie - Member

Just start jacking off in bed and the shower (when she is around), like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. She'll get the message soon.

Posted 1 year ago #
genghispod - Member

Oh the **** Dear this is going to end in tears. My ex wife decided on our honeymoon that she 'didn't really like sex all that much after all'. Fortunately she was Irish and prone to being drunk so I got sex then. Unfortunately she was Irish and prone to alcoholism so I divorced her after 20 years and kept the kids. Happy days, now I have 6 bikes and no woman. Would swap the £40 BMX for a fit bird though if anyone has one spare?

Posted 1 year ago #
Herman Shake - Member

OP Are you a 5 bikes "I'll have my cake and eat it" sort of chap?

Intimacy is very important, but trust more so. Come clean, snap it off and shack up with your new partner. If your wife finds out and tolerates; she is a doormat. For her and your sake untangle it.

Sounds like you've found the right person for now; is this shiny shiny syndrome with t*ts or proper love? When the sparkle has worn off is she still so great? I'm talking snotty, puking, yada yada yada....and still the same in your eyes, or is she an alternative relief to normality?

If it's good, pursue it; you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. But give the people involved some respect. Maybe she's not into you either (based on what you say about intimacy) and you'll be releasing her from the role of wife/mother she has now solidified in?

Good luck, you're going to need it!

Posted 1 year ago #
tazzymtb - Member

just MTFU make a decision and live with the consequences and accept responsibility for your actions rather than acting like some week willed tool.
just listen to yourself, if the lack of sex is all you have to worry about in this life you should count your blessings you great hairy nobend.

very jolly troll, well done

Posted 1 year ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

It will all end in tears.

Posted 1 year ago #
Herman Shake - Member

Oh, and great thread BTW.

Posted 1 year ago #
markd - Member

its cause you are a crap shag.

Posted 1 year ago #
CharlieMungus - Member

Just start jacking off in bed and the shower

I think the Reynolds girls had discovered that that was the lesser of two evils

Posted 1 year ago #
Joe - Member

Just start jacking off in bed and the shower (when she is around), like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. She'll get the message soon.

Haha. Bravo. Great advice.

Posted 1 year ago #
catflees - Member

How would you feel if your wife was seeing another guy?

Posted 1 year ago #
gazza100 - Member

Was in a similar situation but seperated for other reasons. Not an easy decision but one that only you can make. Whatever you decide there is going to be a lot of heartache so be prepared!! However, life's too short to be stuck in a miserable relationship.

Posted 1 year ago #
martymac - Member

man up and tell the wife you dont love her.
you obviously dont, or you wouldnt be away **** someone else.
you only live once, life is too short to spend with a person you dont love IMO.

Posted 1 year ago #
Kevevs - Member

I like and respect my wife but she has never ever been keen on hugs intimacy and sex. And less so now.

So why did you marry her, let alone hang around with her for too long? apart from the respect/like thing. Cos I respect/like a lot of people. It's a genuine question actually.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_VURr6jnWQ

do you have the face of hell?

Posted 1 year ago #
chewkw - Member

Or reduce your own sex drive?

Posted 1 year ago #
john_drummer - Member

Mistresses or lovers. Can it work?

no. IMVHO

Posted 1 year ago #
mrgibbons - Member

TandemJeremy - Member

It will all end in tears.

plus 1

Posted 1 year ago #
Kevevs - Member

BTW. I really respect the OP coming out with his probs. Takes some balls. I dunno if stw is exactly the right place

Posted 1 year ago #
rOcKeTdOg - Member

Wifes phone number? I'll get her interested in it again for you

being Serious, either stop or get out, cheating on someone is one of the most awful things you can do to someone else.stop.it.now.

Posted 1 year ago #
Kato - Member

He's listening

Posted 1 year ago #
cupid stunt - Member

If you could post a picture of them both nude it would help us to help you to make up you mind.

Posted 1 year ago #
camerone - Member

I started seeing my wife when married to ex. i realised within a month the direction I wanted to go in, and left. decisions of magnitude should never be made by your pecker, sex is usually always more frequent with a new partner.
if everything else in marriage is working just use hookers, much cheaper in the long run....

Posted 1 year ago #
Pigface - Member

Ask Deidre

Posted 1 year ago #
bullheart - Member

How would you feel if your wife was seeing another guy?

That's a pretty relevant question actually. I've found that a some of my friends simply couldn't believe that their partners were capable of cheating on them, despite the fact that they themselves were doing the dirty. There's nowt more uncomfortable (or karmaic in some cases?) than the realisation that the person you are married to but who 'doesn't like intimacy' actually really, really does. Just not with you...

Good troll though.

Posted 1 year ago #
desperategit - Member

No way I can prove this is not a troll - but it isn't. It's just something I can't talk about with any friends.

Thanks for some really useful comments.

With my wife sex was ok and more frequent at the start but never something which was important to her. And all parents will know how kids change things. She will not discuss this or see it as a valid problem. I do love her I guess and our lives and practical arrangements would be difficult to unpick.

I guess I was hoping that the feelings for my lover would settle down a lot and we could operate as "friends with benefits". This is something which she has suggested. She isn't looking for a live-in partner. We both accept this is likely to be temporary. I was wondering if anyone else here had done or seen this.

It does leave me feeling sometimes very happy, sometimes sad and scared and guilty.

Perhaps not the right thing to bring here and I don't mind any kind of response. Ta.

Posted 1 year ago #
bullheart - Member

So what would your response be if the roles were reversed? How would it make you feel?

just askin', not judgin'...

Posted 1 year ago #
phinbob - Member

I have no practical advise here, but check out the relationships bit on mumsnet (check out the loss of libido threads and the husband of 20 years cheating type threads for perspective).

Also look for the columns by Dan Savage who has some quite good advice on this kind of thing.

A personal perspective - based on no experience or knowledge (so probably with no value): You have three honourable options 1) Fix your marriage - do you think your wife would agree to councelling? 2) Leave 3) Get your wife to agree to your seeing someone else

Posted 1 year ago #
camerone - Member

desperategit - whilst sex is undoubtably important, as are the 'practical arrangements', there is a huge amount in between. trouble is no sex tends to sway your views on the other things and you become less committed, even though the fundamentals might still be there if you weren't clouded by the dearth of sex.

i am not making much sense here - been up with child number two since 5am, i guess i mean things like friendship, having a laugh and sharing life's experiences together, these to me are the fundamentals and if these are still good and its worth saving get yourselves off for help.

whilst your wife says she wont talk about the sex if she knew the possible outcome it might focus her mind.

if that sounds like bollocks i blame the lack of sleep.

Posted 1 year ago #
desperategit - Member

Bullheart : Good question. I would have hoped that if She had said there was something in our marriage we needed to work on I would have done something about it. But I think I have become a dependable if annoying part of the scenery for her. I knew what I was getting into getting married. Comfortable rather than passionate.

So if she was seeing someone else? I'd feel sick and hurt but maybe wonder what I had done wrong.

Over-riding priority for me is the kids having a stable time with what are 90% of the time content parents.

I have avoided opportunities in the past but when your eyes are opened to what you have been missing it's a bit tough. I think, perhaps kidding myself, that this can help me stay rather than leave. Naive probably.

Thanks to everyone else

Posted 1 year ago #
camerone - Member

But I think I have become a dependable if annoying part of the scenery for her.

do you know this or are you trying to justify your current actions?

Posted 1 year ago #
qwerty - Member

it appears you have fragmentation in your life causing unrest, your first steps towads oneness and nirvana will be completing your triange, get a threesome going on, maybe your wife is a lesbian and fed up with penis's

Posted 1 year ago #