I fully accept that I was an arse over the situation that led to this row. I fully accept the fact that I scared her when I dragged her out. And I understand how she's gone home, fired up, angry and hurt and her sympathetic sister (with whom she lives) has been all to eager to hear what a bastard I am.

I know it was avoidable, and maybe we're not right together. I'm just gutted that what she's done means it's almost impossible for us to ever have another chance. I love her to bits and I feel so sorry for her, cos she knows that her actions have had these consequences. And I know that things would have got far better after the pressure of the divorce had been lifted from both of us.

:o(

Can't just switch off.

Go get professional help – relationship counselling and or individual counselling then. I very much doubt you can fix it without

Why so much effort to keep her at a distance and ration her time with you? If she feels insecure it's because you're rejecting her. Commit or quit.

There's no rationing of time Edukator. We spend most of every weekend together – she works every other saturday – and I'd normally see her once or twice during the week. I don't know how I can make her feel more sucure, I've tried really hard.

She really is the most beautiful and lovely person I've ever met (false assault allegations aside!!!!!) and I don't so much as look at other women when I'm with her. But she still sees every woman I know as a threat, in spite of the fact that I've known most of them for years, and if I was going to make a play for them, or vice versa, it would have happened long before now.

TJ, I know you've recommended this sort of thing before, is it something you have experience of? Do you think it would help in a 'young' relationship like mine? I'm all for making the effort if it might help…

It might seem harsh, but it sounds like a ridiculous situation to me.

Distance makes life more difficult, but insane jealousy causes real problems and damaging property as described is not the behaviour of a level-headed person.

It is not a good relationship.

As Munque-Chick said – Get the hell out of there. Change the locks, change your phone number.

As TJ said, she needs professional help to deal with her lack of self-worth and self-esteem.

However often you reassure her, you cannot cure/help/save her. Only she can do that.

This is the classic jealous, insecure person. Yes, you think she loves you and you feel great because of the intensity, but don't kid yourself that it's love, it isn't. Don't confuse jealousy and possessiveness with love and affection – they are two entirely separate things. Love is a wonderful, liberating, trusting emotion; jealousy is small, mean and destructive.

You need to be on your own for a bit, get over your marriage, re-discover yourself and the things you like to do. Join clubs (come on the Singletrackworld Singletons' Shagfest Bike Ride on Sunday).

They say there's a lid for every pot, but I don't think you've found yours yet.

Good luck and come back and let us know how you get on.
x

Shibboleth

Yes – personal experience. It can vary from simply helping you to see the wood from the trees to getting right down to deep issues. It may just allow you to see it ain't gonna work. I do feel its worth trying – I am sure it helped me.

Karinofnine – well said. I have had the unpleasant exoerience of being on the receiving end of someone's irrational jealousy and it was truly horrible for all concerned. It is destructive, irrational and pointless and unfortunately your girlie seems to be exhibiting some fairly major tendencies in that direction. Get out now before your bunnies are boiled ….
Really didn't like the roughing up lie, what will it be next time …

In a relationship, trust and security are so important.

What munge_chick says is absolutely true. Listen to the advice above, you'll thank us all in a few years. Because if you go further with this and end up with her having your children, then you really are in trouble.

Get the divorce out of the way and just have some 'me' time without women.

If someone broke into my flat and smashed up my stuff they would be getting drop-kicked out of my life, stat.

Especially if any bicycles were hurt in the incident.

Edit: forgot about the lies about you she told her parents: Psycho!

Actually smashing up stuff to prove a point, your GF isn't TheLittlestHobo is he?

This sounds eerily familiar to me and Karinofnine has pretty much said everything I was going to but just to add my tuppenceworth –

I put up with similar behaviour from my ex for 18 months and it escalated until I got out for good. You are in an extremely dangerous situation which has already become physical. The fact that she was unable to control her actions despite the probable consequences should tell you all you need to know.

If you do decide to try and patch things up be very very careful. Domestic disagreements (for want of a better term) rarely have witnesses and any allegations, even false ones, have far reaching consequences.

Run cos life's too short. Divorce is stressful enough and for that alone, you need a clear head.

Good luck.

Edit: as Karin says, come on the Swinley ride this Sunday, it will be a hoot.

She's still young .
I met a young lady once , who turned out to be a bit of a nutter at times . Deeply insecure at times . Raving imagination at times .
We've been married 20 yrs and have 4 kids.
What do you think ? I'm perfect ? She's perfect ? The kids are perfect ?
Ha . You should see the beard on the big one .

I dunno , she's alright now , and to be honest is my anchor .Probably because she's an adult . There was probably one or two times early on where I could have just walked away. Where's the fun in that?

We're very complex animals . Dont nail her to the cross .
Life is a mish mash of good times , bad times , happy , sad , whatever .I'd definitely give her some slack , but she has to realise we have lives outside and around a relationship , and if there's no reason not to , needs to trust you .
Right now, I can think of a few guys I know whose other halfs need to know where they are the whole time .
I think those ladies spend a bit of time watching jeremy kyle .
Which cant be good .

We're all under so much pressure these days to have the perfect normal life . Maybe I'm old school . Counselling my arse . How many women are you going to have counselling with anyway ?

Life's getting like an episode of Hollyoaks . Cant you ' imagineer ' a solution ? Or run a computer model ?
Do this . Give it another go for a bit . Or get another one . Theyre readily available on the internet . You can even try them out by the hour , probably .

Who is perfect anyway , you just gotta run with what you've got . Carpe Diem , live the moment ,and all that .
So she breaks a few cups . If you love her , you'll know if it's worth the hassle .
You just might not know it for 20 yrs .
Then you'll really know .

Sadly , I think you may have already decided what to do . Asking this bunch of marjories speaks volumes .
But know this . There's nothing so valuable as something you've had to work hard for.

Read some ' Bukowski ' . You should see some of his birds .

She sounds a little bonkers, there are plenty of lovely girls out there who aren't.

I honestly think you're on the rebound, try spending a bit of time on your own and get your head straight before launching into another relationship.

I find it worrying not only you have a clothes maiden, but anyone else knows what they are.

But given what happened I could only say walk away and find yourself someone normal.

36/24 is more than just a 'few years'. Yes it can work but even at the best of times one of you have seen 50% more of life than the other. Given that you both appear to just be out of relationships that are broken down it's not looking good.

Take a break. Give yourself some space. Sounds like a bunny boiler

You need time to grieve following marriage breakdown. You need thinking time. You need space. You need to work out where you are going in life.

The gospel according to CG and, so far, it has worked for me 8) Am in such a better place now.

My mantra "Optimism Rules"

(I've also had too much beer) 😳

Drac – Member

Sounds like a nut job to me and you've found in good time, bin her.

Yep.

Now.

I am not one to comment on the other advice here but Muddyfox's advice to read Bukowski is excellent – fine writer.

I disagree with what MuddyFox Courier says! Yes there are times when someone does something which may be out of order which can be "worked" through and improve a relationship, but breaking up property and making false allegations …. I don't think so!!

Imagine her sister had phoned the police and turned up at your house "we've had a report that you've hit your girlfriend" you would be heading to the nick more than lightly for an interview under caution, finger printed, photographed and that is unforgiveable enough for me! That is just evil of the highest order making allegations like that!!!

As for the rest of it well I think maybe she is young and immature and she needs to sort out her insecurities (not saying that you may not have issues that need addressing and I'm well aware there will be 2 sides to the story) as it is only going to boil and brew and get worse, go downhill and get super destructive.

Get out now, do not work at it. You need time to get through your messy divorce without other people clouding the issue. I imagine this new girl may get insecure about you talking to your ex …. I can see it going BOOM in your face already!!!

again I think i've harped on enough about how destructive and awful this relationship appears to be from info you have given us. Get the heck out of there and a long way away. You will find someone else remember, you aren't going to end up a lonely bachelor but you need time alone.

What if the next time she accused you of something much worse than just roughing her up?

you could be up s&*t creek! even when you are innocent S&*t sticks.

Did she smash up the clothes airer before or after she read your previous posts ?

I'm gonna put the kettle on .

IME there are times when you feel you're with the right person and really want it to work, even though part of you says it's not to be. Hence you try to "rectify/resolve" things that just aren't gonna work out. So you either carry on, you say your peace and leave, or you "confront" and do your best to talk it out.

My tuppence = if you see the two of you having a future then go for the latter. Be honest. Listen. Talk. Listen. And listen some more … Then decide from there.

My ex was amazing in many ways, but also f&*king loopy at times – hence we called it a day …

Leffeboy – I have to disagree. I met my wife when she was 18 and I was 28. That was 14 years ago. Around the same time my brother met his wife and there is 14 years between them.

What is it with 'loopy women' – a bit of a sweeping statement coming from a largely men orientated forum, but I can relate to almost all of the guy's experiences. Can they really just blame it on hormones……

I don't think professional help is the answer because they only hear what you and your significant other choose to tell them, perhaps you need a reality check and stop looking at her through rose tinted specs, as it sounds like the outburst made you see another side to her, however we all do things we regret in the heat of the moment, if you love her as much as you say, then perhaps you should explore the possibility of how you can be together. She sound like a very frustrated person and smashing up your home is a rather serious action, & now her family are involved you have an uphill battle. Only you can decide whats best.

My brother has been thru something very similar .. he decided to stick at it but in the long run he learnt the following

She's done something like that once .. she's got a very strong potential to do something similar again.
As other people have said .. you really need to be thankful you've learnt this now and make a decision to either 'work with and accept' or 'get over' it and move on.

Most likely next time it'll be worse (i.e. a notch up on the seriousness/ f***ed up scale), hurt more, or it'll be even more 'difficult' to sort out if your situation together develops.

Leffeboy – I have to disagree. I met my wife when she was 18 and I was 28. That was 14 years ago

mastiles_fanylion – I didn't say it wasn't possible, just that communication can be more difficult as you will both be at different points in your life and more so in this case as one of them is just out of a long term permanent relationship. I've got happily married friends with a big age gap as well.

And well done being married 14 years, it's always great to see

Thanks everyone, for taking time to offer me your advice, and thanks for only taking the piss out of the fact that I own a slightly damaged clothes maiden. I live in a flat! Where the hell am I supposed to dry my clothes?!?

To add to my problems, I'm now morbidly hung over. :o(

I think I know good advice when I hear it, and I'm sorry Munque Chick, I feel your hardline approach is a little too harsh. I can't just switch off, walk away, change my number, change the locks. She made a huge error of judgment in the heat of the moment and the consequences are killing her.

Trying to step back and play devil's advocate to my own situation, I can pretty much see how events panned out. When I tried to drag her out of the flat, she's ended up with a bruised arm. It's just where I held onto her arm, but I did hurt her none the less. I'm really not proud of that, even though it was pretty unavoidable.

She's gone home, and her sister (big Jeremy Kyle fan!!!) has lapped it up and no doubt fanned the flames. She rang me the following morning saying she was going to make sure her sister pressed charges! Now the dust has settled, my girlfriend has tried to tell her that what happened was her fault, and not as bad as she painted it, but the sis isn't prepared to listen and has told the rest of her family.

That's why I'm so gutted – a silly, repairable situation has mushroomed into this huge drama, and now it's going to be practically impossible to move forward because the sister isn't going to want me in their house and her family won't approve of her seeing me.

I prefer Muddyfoxcourier's slightly more pragmatic approach to this. I love her because she's so passionate, lively, vivacious, absolutely stunningly beautiful… Maybe I'm gonna have to accept that you have to take a bit of rough with the smooth – 'passionate' has a flip side. I wasted a lot of my life with a completely unpassionate, soulless person, I wouldn't want to go back to that for a gold clock!

I agree that I need to be mindful of the fact that this sort of behaviour can repeat itself and has the potential to escalate, so I'm not going to just welcome her back with open arms and tell her to forget about it!

So here's my plan at the moment. I'm going to stay away from her for a few days/weeks, long enough for her to try to put her family straight and long enough for her to really understand how much damage she's done. If she can convince her family that I'm not some sort of Chris Brown, I'm thinking we could try starting from scratch, but only after my divorce is finalised at the end of next month.

I think we need to rebuild from the ground up, without the pressure of my divorce, and see if we can get past her insecurities. I'm hoping that if she knows I'm prepared to do this, to overcome the family obstacle, maybe she'll see how important she is to me and it might help reassure her. Obviously, if it fails, I'll know it's a no-hoper, but I think we deserve another shot at it. If there is the slightest hint that the pattern is repeating itself, I'll know to jump ship straight away and follow Munque-Chick's advice.

The prize is an amazing girl that I love to bits, the risk is a bit more heartache a few months from now. I think that's a gamble worth taking.

Leffeboy – not married for that time – but it that long ago that I met her, which is deeply scary – where has that time gone?

Oh dear. I've seen this before.

My brother was in a similar position. Seemed a lovely vivacious girl. Turned out to be bipolar or some such – couldn't help herself going off at the deep end. He stuck with her for a long period of misery. In the end she left and has inflicted the same again on her next 2 husbands.

Get out while you're still sane.

Before the rape allegations and the assault allegations. He was able to prove his innocence, but mud sticks and has blighted his life ever since.

She's gone home, and her sister (big Jeremy Kyle fan!!!) has lapped it up and no doubt fanned the flames. She rang me the following morning saying she was going to make sure her sister pressed charges! Now the dust has settled, my girlfriend has tried to tell her that what happened was her fault, and not as bad as she painted it, but the sis isn't prepared to listen and has told the rest of her family.

Well, to play devil's advocate, there are a lot of people who suffer domestic abuse who end up refusing to press charges, and downplay the seriousness of the abuse to their family, telling them that it's their own fault, that they provoked them, etc. Obviously that's not what happened in your case, but you can't blame her family for thinking the worst if she's told them you've attacked her. Her sister isn't the villain here, it's your girlfriend who told her you were violent in the first place. Her family are going to have her best interests at heart, and are now probably going to be constantly looking for signs that she's not being beaten, regardless of whether she admits that she was lying.

I'm with Munque-Chick on this one – it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship by a country mile. Given that she's demonstated that she can be unstable to the point of violence (trashing your stuff) and will then damage your reputation by telling her family that you 'roughed her up'…that's not 'passionate'. That's 'destructively crazy'. If I were you, I'd only go back if she agreed to counselling or therapy.

I just hope it works out . If she is sorry for her part , and you for yours , then I'm sure with some good old fashioned box of chocs lovin , it just might be OK .
Lets hope so .
I'm not really qualified to even comment to be honest , as I've only ever had one woman , but yea , I'd take that gamble .

I agree with what Mrs Toast says that her sister is just going with what she has been told and as any good family member would if they believe some has been assaulted adn it's out of order then they will stick by them! But it shocking that her girlfriend even mentioned it in the first place.

I wasn't the one who posted change your phone number/change the locks etc. I think you need to sit down and tell her that the relationship is too destructive to continue.

good luck though in what you choose to do however do not accept any similar situation again as I do think next it will be the rape allegations etc. I hope it works out for you and she sorts her ways out.

I still think she's a fruit cake.

IMO women who are generally perceived as 'beautiful' are rarely stable – it's rarely worth the hassle

Thanks everyone…etc etc…I think that's a gamble worth taking.

*slaps head* d'oh!

I'm sorry mate, but you're not seeing the wood for the trees here. The 'gamble' is that you wind up with a criminal record because you're dating a psycho hose-beast who doesn't know the limits of acceptable behaviour in a loving relationship. In my experience, trust is VERY hard to gain. She simply does not trust you (for all manner of reasons) and your indications as to how you act towards her demonstrate that you are unlikely to get her trust.

It looks like you're basically getting some fine young ass after 15years of loveless relationship, and aren't willing to sacrifice a bit of poontang for your long-term sanity/happiness.

Get out. Now.

(in my humble experience etc etc etc etc…)

I don't blame the sister for being protective, but knowing the way she is, I think she's poured petrol on the situation while my girlfriend (S) was wound up and has played a part in blowing this out of all proportion.

The ringing up shouting the odds at me, threatening me with the cops etc, that wasn't what S wanted. And whilst S had calmed down by morning, the sis has kept adding to the problem – understandably, I might add. The fact that she told me she was "going to make sure S pressed charges" makes me think that S was probably trying to downplay things by morning, but sis wanted to make sure it wasn't downplayed.

Anyway, I'm gonna make a nice meal, have a quiet night in with a film and ride my bike tomorrow. No wine either! Then I'm going to arrange to meet her in a week or two with a view to working out how we might be able to salvage this. I think we need to make a deal that the events of Tuesday night aren't mentioned again, but that she needs to completely understand why what happened did happen, so at least she can perhaps start trying to convince her family that I'm basically a good bloke.

And Munqe-Chick, don't worry – first sign of trouble again and I'll be out of there!