[Closed] I need help. Woman help.

Remember it is her you are dating not her family.

Nevertheless, keeping things sweet with the in-laws does make a difference. If you mean so much to her, she should let her family know that she threw a hissy fit and blew things out of all proportion. Time is a great healer and you have plenty of time to convince her family by your actions that you aren't a wife batterer. They'll come round. Might be awkward at first, but it'll be alright as long as you both are.

I dont see why that makes it impossible to sort it out? It's just a misunderstanding? Unless you punched her to the ground and left her for dead. DRagging someone outside is hardly a sin when they're going mental. You both know the reasons, she's a bit insecure, sit down and talk through it. Why artificially make something into a relationship ending incident?

what solarider said.

she needs to be the one to sort things out with her family and you need to stay out of that side of things.

Letting herself in and smashing stuff up sounds like a premeditated action, not a heat of the moment thing. You need to rebuild trust between you and try and establish why she did what she did and what's changed to stop it happenign again - she's sorry now but what happens the next tiem she loses her temper?

Give it time and things will work themselves out - if you try and push things to hard now it'll blow up again

I think your answer is in your text, but don't take anyone's advice. It's ok to use this as a sounding board.

It is difficult to be with someone who acts so irrational, what ever the feelings between you - I've tried it and it just hurts - lots!

If you both want it fixed then it is fixable. Professional help required tho - you cannot sort it out on your own - you need somone dispassionate to do so

sounds to me like you both have issues.

We had a few rows, mostly caused by her insecurities

So IMO establish if you both want this to work - and if you do seek professional relationship counselling

Of all the places and of all the days to ask for this advice, you chose STW on a Friday night?

Erm.

Sorry.

Truthfully - just talk it all through as much as you can. Then talk some more.

make her realise how special she is to you. But you need to get to the bottom of why she was trashing your place and telling porkies to her family. Because that sounds very wrong to me.

Hope it works out 😀

Sorry, she does sound a tad unstable, doesn't really matter what she thought you'd done trashing your place was completely out of order. In my mind if she really wants to rekindle the relationship she really needs to prove to you she understands she was completely out of order. I'd have thought two birds with one stone would be appropriate here, let her explain to her folks with you present what really happened, not looking for a knee grovelling apology of histrionics. It's really about her admitting openly she was way out order.

Caveat, this advice is all based on what you've written, jsut think carefully to make sure there's no bias in what you've written. Also be sure you do want to caryy on.

There is simply no way I could cope with a relationship with someone who was happy to accuse me of hitting them when I hadn't. Absolutely no way in hell. I'd be sucking up the heart-break and moving on, no question about it. Sorry to be brutal.

When I say 'trashed the place', she broke a glass, smashed a picture frame and tried to smash my mobile by throwing it against a wall. And she knocked over a clothes maiden, tore some papers up, stuff like that. Nothing too bad, but it made me scared she might do worse.

This morning I wrote to her, detailing my side of the story in a calm, measured way, why I had to use physical force to restrain/remove her. And I asked her to show the letter to her family. She agreed to do this, so I know whe regrets what she did.

I told her that if there was a 0.01% chance of fixing it, I was going to go for it. Even if it was just trying to put right this obstacle she's put in place. Then we can start working on the rest, right?

Thanks for the advice so far, and thanks for not taking the piss too much!

I would stay well clear. You have had her do something that can't be resolved, had her "break in", had her trash your house, had to physically restrain and remove her from your home, she has lied about what you did to her family. I am unsure that a relationship with her of any kind is wise. If this was a friend who did this to you. What would you do?

As for her family, I suspect you'll be the bad guy anyway, as thier Princess would never be at all unstable or destructive.

Sounds like a nut job to me and you've found in good time, bin her.

i find it upsetting that you have a clothes maiden to knock over....

i'm dating a beautiful vivacious nutter tonight, i'll let you know if i learn anything useful, unless i end up face down in the canal with a pair of scissors between my shoulder blades.

The trashing of the place isn't the main issue, it's the lying about assault. That's very dangerous territory for any man to be in and a total dealbreaker. No amount of talking can make up for that, imo.

There is simply no way I could cope with a relationship with someone who was happy to accuse me of hitting them when I hadn't. Absolutely no way in hell. I'd be sucking up the heart-break and moving on, no question about it. Sorry to be brutal.

Agree wholeheartedly. Personally, I would move on now and take this as a early warning. You don't need someone unstable in your life, eventually it will lead to another unhappy situation. The insecurity will no doubt become worse as your lives become more and more entwined. Not the kind of behaviour you would expect from a long-lasting relationship.

However.. Stumpyjon does offer some sound advice.

Best of luck mate.

Did she break in or let herself in with keys you gave her?

If the former then you need to stay clear, if she can contemplate breaking and entering with malice aforethought then she has issues with her personality and you can't be around that. I've seen friends go through similar and it has NEVER ended well.

If the latter then first point is to get the keys back. Explain to her how she has abused your trust and that she will have to work hard to regain that.
However, you also need to figure out what you are doing to cause her to think this way. Be honest with yourself and try to look at yourself from her position. If you can honestly say you have done nothing wrong then it may be time to walk away.

People who cry wolf in regards to criminal accusations tend to have a pattern and i suspect she will do it again.

Okay women's perspective here (and from a policeman's perspective too!).

Get the **** out of that relationship. ANY woman that makes an allegation to anyone that someone has assaulted them when they haven't needs their head read, that is a disgusting and hideous thing to do. I dread to think what she will say next time. Someone with a temper that severe she feels the need to smash things up needs to help. This is not normal behaviour.

I woud go running rapidly end of, no discussions, psycho case. It is not acceptable. I get so angry with people who react like that. She clearly has MASSIVe insecurity issues that are only going to continue to tarnish your relationship and cause you problems.

I also think that you could easily meet someone else that is as much fun, loving, caring, funny, attractive etc etc, but she clearly isn't the one!!!

Run for the hills. I had an ex who used to smash things up - she was proper nuts.

Love hurts - but it does sound like she has some serious issues. Deal with the pain now, and don't wait until it gets worse.

My mate went through this with an ex. They were together for a while, he even let his house out and moved in with her and her kids. She was (still is) a complete control freak with a violent temper. When it all fell apart he moved back into his own house.

His nickname is squirrel.

He came home one day to find a dead squirrel nailed to his front door.

lets be honest relationships are hassle at times, it is realy just how much hassle you are willing to accept.

But it does sound like you are on the rebound and maybe you just want to be wanted ( it is only natural)

BUT!!!

Good luck with which ever direction you decide to go but listen to Munqe-chick she speaks alot of truth

Gosh I'm still in shock that this has happened and I see things like this on a daily basis but I can't get my head around why a woman is such a bitch as to LIE about things that could result in you being locked up in prison.

I just want to shake you and say "Do not return to her whatever you do". I also think that you are on the rebound and maybe just found something you think is awesome compared to the previous 15 years and last relationship, however it's better to be single and happy looking for love (having fun, go speed dating etc) than in a relationship with someone who 50% of the time is awesome and your soul mate and other 50% is a complete psycho nightmare insecure crazy bird.

Do you think i've made my opinions clear yet?

Another female viewpoint........

I agree with Munqe-chick!

If she cared about you at all there is NO way in hell she would do that to you!

If you stay with her and she has another paranoid episode what will she do next time?? This kind of behaviour only ever escalates.

Get out now, don't give her the opportunity to destroy you!

Then she told her family that I'd roughed her up.

I'm sorry, but for me that would be a complete and final end. Unless it was true.

I wouldn't give a toss about what her family think.
BUT she lied about what you did which is not good.

Did you have a massive row on the phone and then she came round in a fit of rage? You do not make this clear. If you were at home why did she have to "let herself into" your home? How come you could not talk to her and calm her down? I don't think you really know her at all.

How much younger is she than you???
I'm just curious because, in my experience, grown-ups who find their "soulmate" are usually living together after 8 months.

She sounds like she likes to play the "victim", and people who like to "play" at roles are not good.
Move on...it'll only get worse.

She let herself in, while I was out riding, with a key I'd given her. I'd kicked off about something of nothing earlier that day - she'd been pulling her face about a friend/client of mine (female) who is no threat whatsoever - we'd even been out to dinner with her and her fiance over christmas. She got an email from an ex who had been pestering her, and although she told him in no uncertain terms to clear off, I got the wrong end of the stick and didn't give her chance to explain. So I accept, I did play a part in the whole row.

Her main problem is that, based on her insecuities, her knee-jerk reaction whenever there's any sign of trouble, is to fly round to talk to me face to face. Maybe it's an age thing, and I know from experience that it's sometimes better to stand back and let the other person calm down a bit, but i think the way she deals with problems makes minor rows snowball into something huge.

BTW, I'm 36, she's 24.

It takes two to tango and two to row. You're made for each other. Your only error was throwing her out when you'd managed to restrain her - it would have been soooo good.

[i]Maybe it's an age thing, and I know from experience that it's sometimes better to stand back and let the other person calm down a bit, but i think the way she deals with problems makes minor rows snowball into something huge. [/i]

Maybe it's an age thing but I know from experience anyone behaving like this is going to cause you grief and is not a stable person.

The trashing of the place isn't the main issue, it's the lying about assault.

what he said. get the **** out. what if she sticks to the story next time? decked by the family? locked up.

some things are final and unforgivable - this is one of them. imo

[i]Her main problem is that, based on her insecuities, her knee-jerk reaction whenever there's any sign of trouble, is to fly round to talk to me face to face.[/i]

Oh dear...you sound SO patronising now. It's perfectly normal and healthy to want to sort out problems face to face, as soon as they occur. It's what I do.

Sounds like you are way too different in age/attitude to be compatible.

I'm sympathetic to women who display irrational/erratic behaviour and wouldn't immediately jump to condemn her for getting overly upset. However, it sounds like she doesn't trust you (and maybe you don't trust her 100% either..). That, along with her lying about you assaulting her, makes it seem like it would be very difficult to repair the relationship.

The first one wasn't good for you but you stuck with it. The second one's not good for you but you want to stick with it. Spot the pattern.

Is/was she in therapy to help her deal with her insecurity and lack of self worth? If she's serious about dealing with it then you might not have to run far far away. Otherwise, run far and fast.

Angela, I don't mean to sound patronising. I think I worded that badly. She lives 50 miles away, when we're together, things are so perfect it's unreal. But during the week, when we're aprt, she seems to start stewing over thing, cooking stuff up in her head. Then it all goes wrong and we end up having a row on the phone.

My reaction - bear in mind that I'm of the opinion that while I'm going through a very messy divorce, I don't need any more hassle - is usually to end the conversation and knob off on my bike. Not because I'm indifferent, it's because we talked about her issues and she admitted that she has a short fuse, and if she parked it for 24 hrs, she would usually realise it was a storm in a tea cup.

But she's done this a couple of times now, when I've asked her to stay out of my way for a few days, she thinks it would be a great idea to drive over and confront me.

shibboleth you've said enough really (no offence). she is clearly immature and too insecure to deal, with you living 50 miles apart and quite clearly with her crazy insecurities it is not going to work! all the time it's going to repeat itself in a vicious cycle. Things may be great when you are together but look at the horrific arguments you're having apart, can't you have a relationship where things are awesome together and when you are apart?

This has really struck a nerve with me and I just say you need to get out. It is going to get worse and worse and is going to end up in major tears, you will end up 80% rowing and 10% having a great time. Wish I could explain to you more or allow you to see it easily.

On a light hearted (not taking the piss - honest guv :wink:) adding 'clothes maiden' softens the whole thing to a almost laughable level! I'm not sure I know what one is.....

You are so incompatible, it's unreal.

It's not her fault you are going through a messy divorce. If my "soulmate" asked me to "stay out of their way for a few days" I'd be pretty pissed off too.
How do you see this going any where?
If you finally move in together are you going to ask her to move into a hotel if you have a row?
Evan the best relationships can be "hassle".
Sounds like you started a new one way too soon.

she flipped at something minor. what will she do at something less minor? are you happy that you might spend a night in the cells or worse? you can't choose where you get arrested - it might be at home, it might be at work..... WakeTFU

There are 2 sides to every story, and we are only getting one here.

Ok - I agree with most of whats posted here but I think you should be accepting more of the blame than you are. You are working thru a messy divorce. Is this affecting the way you act and react? Is this affecting your response?

Edit - agreed angela. It take two to tango

Take some time out and give yourself a break from it
Dont answer her calls and time will give you answers
and it will hurt but you need space mate and friends
Good luck mate.

I fully accept that I was an arse over the situation that led to this row. I fully accept the fact that I scared her when I dragged her out. And I understand how she's gone home, fired up, angry and hurt and her sympathetic sister (with whom she lives) has been all to eager to hear what a bastard I am.

I know it was avoidable, and maybe we're not right together. I'm just gutted that what she's done means it's almost impossible for us to ever have another chance. I love her to bits and I feel so sorry for her, cos she knows that her actions have had these consequences. And I know that things would have got far better after the pressure of the divorce had been lifted from both of us.

:o(

Can't just switch off.

Go get professional help - relationship counselling and or individual counselling then. I very much doubt you can fix it without

Why so much effort to keep her at a distance and ration her time with you? If she feels insecure it's because you're rejecting her. Commit or quit.

There's no rationing of time Edukator. We spend most of every weekend together - she works every other saturday - and I'd normally see her once or twice during the week. I don't know how I can make her feel more sucure, I've tried really hard.

She really is the most beautiful and lovely person I've ever met (false assault allegations aside!!!!!) and I don't so much as look at other women when I'm with her. But she still sees every woman I know as a threat, in spite of the fact that I've known most of them for years, and if I was going to make a play for them, or vice versa, it would have happened long before now.

TJ, I know you've recommended this sort of thing before, is it something you have experience of? Do you think it would help in a 'young' relationship like mine? I'm all for making the effort if it might help...