Funniest thing you've heard/said during sex?

When I had my ears syringed for the first time I had bionic hearing.
Next door to us was a very straight laced Indian couple. That night I heard him say in his thick Indian accent “I’m a tiger” then he growled , she giggled and they set too.
Now I frequently use that as my battle cry in homage to him.

First night at uni and boom we’re in with a lovely lady!
Ended up back at hers where I tried my best porn star moves. This resulted in a weakening of the arms mid stroke and I dropped her. Yup dropped her backwards onto her head. So the overriding sound was moans of pain at that point!

Kitten story pure class! Big hearty laugh at wee ones swimming lesson!

Said to me: “wake up!” (She was on top, I was half pissed, it was very relaxing… 😳 )

Said by me: after us already having two kids, and at that particular moment in time using the old withdrawal method of contraception, getting a bit carried away and saying ‘let’s have another’ as I approached event horizon… Response being a startled “WHAT!” Accompanied by being nearly kicked across the room 😯

When i was a teenager, mate and me working in ladies house doing some joinery, i left, after a few hours and my mate stayed for a few drinks,which turned into sex.

He said he was lying on the bed when he heard the front door opening, lady goes theres my husband coming back, mate jumps up scared, she says dont worry, hes bisexual like me, and swings both ways.

Probably told this before, but an ex had a phobia about moths and butterflies.

One warm summers night we were going at it with lights on and the windows open, when she got particularly energetic beneath me. “This is going well,” I thought, and redoubled my efforts.

She got more and more frantic and breathless before she screwed her face up, took a deep breath and screamed:

“There’s a **** moth in here you pillock!”

And the moment was gone…..

Btw, I think there’s a thread on this subject on mumsnet classics, if you are brave enough.

After a nights clubbing where my mate tried in being to pull the hottest blond, we were having a final beer back at his when she turns up in a taxi. Off they go, only for twenty minutes later me to be awakend from my fast approaching stupor by some veru very loud orgasmic screaming.

Not being able to sleep I wenr to the kitchen and made a black coffee. My mate appeared with a massive grin on his face and said “can you believe that?” 5 minute s later his (divorced) Dad joined us. “FFS sake, can’t you keep you girlfriends quiet?”

“Not really a girlfriend, more a randy girl from the club” my mate said. “Oh” said Dad. “Mind if I have a go?” Off he went, then twenty minutes later…

😯

Fanny farts.

My penis is only six inches long but it smells like a foot..,

Overheard through a caravan window in Kirkcaldy

“Hod still woman while a cum ma muck”

She replied

“hurry up a need a pish”

A girl I met when travelling told me about a time she was having sex with french guy. When he was approaching the end game, he shouted “I am ARRIVING!”, she couldn’t help but laugh!

The Mrs and I taking advantage of a quiet moment when our young daughter was having an afternoon nap. The duvet has by now been pushed down to the end of the bed to create a bit more space.
I somehow manage to kick it with my foot and a muffled, high-pitched voice says “ooh, that tickles!! “. Scared the crap out of both of us.

Yes, it was the bloody Elmo doll.

Having stopped off on the way home from the Old Schwinn 100 in Builth at a young ladies house went out for dinner had some wine went to bed just as I reached escape velocity I got cramp in both legs, screamed and fell out of the bed!

Been working on perfecting this of late

Palindromic Yunki

Funny… that’s what she keeps telling me… I thought she was referring to the sex

i once said to a girl i was seeing who hadn’t shaved her legs ” its like shagging a cactus” ( i was a bit drunk at the time)

Her immediate response was GET OFF NOW! Cue much apologising / grovelling / foreplay from me to try and get back into the action.

No idea why i said it out loud, she’s never forgotten it though and still tells that story to people.

Another girl, (again a bit drunk)i was making a hot dog when she shouted from the bedroom she wanted some action, so in i trot, hot dog in hand and she’s there on her knees. I had nowhere to rest the aforementioned food item though so i plonked it on her back and kept picking it up now and again for another bite whilst humping away!

As you can tell i’m a classy gent!

After a night out with an old friend from uni I’d pulled and he was playing the dutifull wingman and keeping her friend(s) occupied, so we went back to theirs, several more drinks later my ‘date’ passes out so I’m out of luck so I wander off to pass out in the closest bed. And he heads off to get his end away with one of the others. We’re awoken the next morning by the sound of them going at it like rabbits in the next room, followed by some slightly strained shouting, each to their own I thought.

Apparently at the vinegar strokes her dog had wandered in and started licking his foot!

“My boyfriend does it better”.

That was during.

” WHY are you drunk all the time?”.

That was after.

Aaaah, 21……

E.D.L and this thread. Let Saturday night commence.

A girl I met when travelling told me about a time she was having sex with french guy. When he was approaching the end game, he shouted “I am ARRIVING!”, she couldn’t help but laugh!

In a similar vain, my old flatmate was Canadian. Very Canadian in fact. So Canadian that at the point of no return he’d shout “I’m cumming eh”. Not sure how that went down with his various girlfriends.