I’ve just been accosted by a VERY angry man who lives opposite, and accused of, amongst othger things, being a discgrace to the human race and a disturbance to the neighbourhood. My crime; unlocking my car, which shone its headlights at their house, which made their dog bark. It all got a bit shouty; It wasn’t my finest hour.
Oh well. In FINEST STW FASHION, I have responded thus; A strongly worded letter to the fellow. I have copied and pated it below for you amusement/pisstakery etc. I havent decided whether I will actually post it to him yet, but it’s made me feel a bit better. If I do send it though, I’m going to copy in all the nieghbours… 😈
Dear angry man of <redacted> Drive,
I am very disappointed in both yours and my conduct this evening. I feel that I have let myself down; whilst being shouted at and called names on my own drive for no good reason is certainly a provocative act, I should not have met your anger with more anger, and I should have kept my thoughts about a fifty odd year old man who lives with his mother to myself. For this I can only apologise.
You accused me of ‘flashing my lights’ in your window. Whilst I accept that the headlights of my car did indeed shine in your window, I can assure you that this was not intentional. Modern car headlights usually come on when the car is unlocked, and my car is no different. Of course, as this causes a problem for your lap dog, I will try to remember not to reverse park on my drive in future. Of course, you could also just draw the curtains or train your dog not to bark in an antisocial and unneighbourly manner, but I suspect that might be asking too much.
What I would suggest however, is that you take a long hard look at yourself when it comes to how you approach other people when there is a problem that needs discussing. I’m afraid that striding across the road, ranting and raving, slinging insults and actually punching my car is probably not the best way to achieve a resolution acceptable to all parties. In fact, you are very lucky; if I actually WAS the ‘disgrace to the human race’ that you accused me of being tonight, then things could have ended very differently for you. Not all fathers would react as reticently as I did faced with a direct threat made against their children. I realised that you were saying things that you didn’t mean in the heat of the moment; I think you should be glad of that.
I have lived in this house for more than two years now, and I am disappointed to say that this is the first conversation that I have ever had with you. The only conversation that I have ever had with your mother is when she felt that it was appropriate to question my parenting when I was allowing my boys to play outside on their bikes. On a quiet cull de sac. It was none of her business. This was pointed out to her. On this occasion, the exchange remained polite, if terse. I am sorry, but I think that it is probably just good manners to get to know someone at least a little bit before you question their abilities as a father. Not a single other household has been as singularly unwelcoming as yours. In fact, everyone else has been friendly and neighbourly.
I will close by saying that, despite the events of this evening, I harbour no ill will to you. I am entirely open to wiping the slate clean, and sharing a cup of tea with you, whilst discussing the weather, kids these days, gardening, or whatever else floats your boat. All that I would require a reciprocation of my apology for this to happen. I suspect, however, that you will not be able to bring yourself to accept my olive branch. In which case, I would suggest that we never interact again. Under no circumstances would you be welcome on my property, and should I find you trespassing again, you will be escorted to the public highway, using the minimum reasonable force that I deem necessary.
I look forward to sharing that cuppa soon (but don’t have high hopes),
Kind regards
Bemused of 23
