Would you stay 'friends' with people for the sake of your children's friends?

I’m probably being a grumpy old fart, but there’s been a social circle at our daughters primary school which we’ve never quite fitted into. There always seemed to be a lot of one-upmanship and ‘sides’ to each couple. But we’ve gone along to social events as our children were good friends. We get on OK together but its polite conversation – not letting your hair-down fun!

This September the kids split-off and went to separate secondary schools. Normally a few of the group get together and go to the local fair at half term with the kids (sort of become a tradition), but this year its suddenly become ‘AA’ couple are meeting ‘BB’ an ‘CC’ couple there. ‘AAs’ son is my daughters best friend and my daughter is now upset she’s been left out.

I’m of the opinion we should just say sod-it and not socialise anymore (I can’t say I’d miss them), but my wife thinks we should still stay in touch for the sake of our daugther.

send your daughter along and do something else yourself?

There’s nothing stopping you just pitching up to enjoy the fair – then your daughter gets to see her mate. And you don’t have to exchange more than a few hellos with the parents.

Your lass will make new friends at secondary school pretty quick, and that will solve the problem for you.

Eh? It’s just the local fair. Take the kids, let them catch up, and then you can either be grumpy and sod off for a coffee, or say hi to clique ABC, then sod off for a coffee.

Considering that your wife’s opinion on any subject to be incorrect is a clear symptom of poor judgement..

This is only the beginning! As they get into their teens and social status becomes more and more important to them, life becomes one long-running soap opera of texting and chattering about who is pally with who, who is “going out” with who (ha ha, as if!) and who has been invited out and who has been left out. Egos are hurt, vendettas appear and then mysteriously disappear, allegiances seem unshakeable then fall apart… you ain’t seen anything yet! And ours is a 15 y.o. boy; I dread to think what it must be like having a daughter.

Why has your daughter been left out ? Do you mean not invited by the other kids ?

Seems to me your daughter isn’t that close friends with the other group, she’s moved school now so it’s normal to make new friends. My kids stayed in touch with one or two of their primary school friends but mostly made new friends when they went to different secondary schools. This is a small bump in the road, it will pass. I’d say move on and focus on the future.

There is a social circle at my daughters primary school that we don’t fit into either.
I’ll be glad when she does go to secondary school, because we’ll never have to see any of them again.

You’re looking at it wrong.

Take your alphabetized not-friends out of the equation. The question suddenly becomes “my daughter wants to go to the fair, should we take her?”

We try to ignore it unless it impacts on our life, as when a bunch of them started banging on the door then running away. I soon dealt with that. Otherwise we encourage our son to have one good friend and I am prepared to drive right across town if it means my son can spend time with his best pal. The kids in our street are mostly irritating idiots so we’d rather have Best Friend around as he’s a nice, quiet, intelligent lad.

Basically what globalti said. We went through years of trauma as friends were made, lost, betrayed, entered the wrong clique etc. Thankfully my daughter eventually managed to put it all onto perspective. To the OP then, if your daughter wants to remain friends with the other kids then just help her be there. No need for you to put on a show as she’ll likely slowly grow away from them anyway.

Eh? It’s just the local fair.

It’s other little things besides, not just one event.

Seems to me your daughter isn’t that close friends with the other group,

She’s not too bothered about a few of the other girls, but the boy is her ‘future husband!’ and they’ve known each other from Play Group.

The parents of ‘future husband’ come with the the parents of the others. So it’s none or all.

Turn up pissed. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

I have nothing useful to say except that I usually go for rides when this sort of thing happens and leave it to my wife to deal with as she’s better at this sort of thing that me. #baddaddy

Ok – they sound like cocks, best not to bother. But if your daughter wants to stay in touch then just arrange plays/ days out etc where you have the boy over for a day, and vice versa.

My son is 8, we had him quite late in life (I was 34, oh 45). Because we effectively from an earlier generation, the other mums (who went to school together, grew up together etc) really don’t involve us in anything. I couldnt give a toss, but my o/h feels left out a bit and we cant really understand why. She’s made the effort and it really hasnt been returned.
Their kids get to come round to ours occasionally (a couple of times a month) but our lad never gets invited round there.
I cant work out of its a clique thing or something else? Our lad isn’t a thug or trouble, he’s just an 8 year old boy.
Or is it just us?

@bigyinn its not him its because you’re that weirdo dad who rides a bike…in the rain and mud…..uphill n’all!!!

Start watching more football and see the invitations roll in for little yinn

No one says you have to be friends with these people. They are acquaintances, like work colleagues you don’t get on with. Do what you have to do your daughter to be happy, and no more.

Besides, from experience of some of the cliques at our kids school, if you didn’t see these people from time to time, who do you and your wife have to bitch about? The hours we spend thanking the Gods we are not X and Y.

And I’m sure they say the same about our weird lifestyle/morals/relationship.

When i pick my nephew up from school the clique is quite obvious and hilarious to watch. You can see exactly who the ring leader is and the subordinates all copy her……the current trend is to wear gym gear to pick the kids up – however said gear has never seen a bead of sweat and the arses, arms and stomachs the gear is covering has never seen a gym!

It’s like watching a bunch of 16 year olds still in silent competition with one another……funny bunch you women! 😉

Smile, be polite, have a beer with them, get some ammo and then post it on here! That whole school yard clique fascinates me!

I expect that most of the other members of the social circle feel that they do not quite fit in either.

Ferris-Beuller – Member
When i pick my nephew up from school the clique is quite obvious and hilarious to watch. You can see exactly who the ring leader is and the subordinates all copy her……the current trend is to wear gym gear to pick the kids up – however said gear has never seen a bead of sweat and the arses, arms and stomachs the gear is covering has never seen a gym!

It’s like watching a bunch of 16 year olds still in silent competition with one another……funny bunch you women!

Smile, be polite, have a beer with them, get some ammo and then post it on here! That whole school yard clique fascinates me!

So true!

Aha – gym gear oneupwomanship, or are there really no changing rooms in gyms 😉

As in all situations like this, the expected (and safest) response from you is “Yes dear”.

When i pick my nephew up from school the clique is quite obvious and hilarious to watch. You can see exactly who the ring leader is and the subordinates all copy her……the current trend is to wear gym gear to pick the kids up – however said gear has never seen a bead of sweat and the arses, arms and stomachs the gear is covering has never seen a gym!

It’s like watching a bunch of 16 year olds still in silent competition with one another……funny bunch you women!

Smile, be polite, have a beer with them, get some ammo and then post it on here! That whole school yard clique fascinates me!

Yep same here – I find the various cliques with people fighting to be the alpha-mum hilarious…
And as for the gym gear, I bet Saucony has never sold so much +size sports kit!

Then they take it to facebook too, trying to out do each other with who has the most wonderful life/childern/family/etc.

No personal experience of these cliques, but i would be observing it with great humour for the most part.

A friend was describing the horror of a ‘playdate’ to me where child X’s mother would come round and offload her troubles for an hour and a half then go home. ‘Never again’ she said.

Is this thread morphing into a “Aren’t women a load of cliquey, social climbing freaks” type of thread? Dangerous ground that, I believe there are women what ride bikes and are occasionally allowed into the Singletrack clubhouse (however true some of it may be 🙂 )

Anyway, to the OP, best thing in my opinion is to play the game. Problem here is you haven’t been invited. You don’t give a toss, but your daughter is the one that counts. So a bit of counter-intelligence is needed. Phone up couple AA and let them know that couple BB mentioned the fair, how excited you and junior are and where and when do you need to meet. Then phone up couple CC and tell them that couple AA said we’re all meeting at the time and place, can’t wait to see you. Then ring up couple BB and do the same re couple CC.

The more I think of it, the more genius this is

None of the couples will know what is going on. IF the intention was to exclude you for any reason, then they’ll be blaming each other. Chances are not, but either way you’ll seem like the one in control, who knows what is going on and who is dictating the terms.

Machiavelli would have been proud.

On the day you swan up and give it the confident and assumptive. Whilst there you conspire with the other kids about the next social situation (make it something top, top from a kid’s point of view) so that it is a fait accompli before the other parents even know what is being planned.

It’s all a load of bollix really, but I know how much it can effect you as parents. My little boy is 8 and one of the best things that ever happened to him was when the brattish dad (if ever there was a self satisfied little pr**k who needed a good slap twas he) of the brat that was bullying him announced they were emigrating to New Zealand! Hooray!

Yep same here – I find the various cliques with people fighting to be the alpha-mum hilarious…
And as for the gym gear, I bet Saucony has never sold so much +size sports kit!

Haha Alphamum in Saucony!

Then they take it to facebook too, trying to out do each other with who has the most wonderful life/childern/family/etc.

Brilliant! I see friends wives and girlfriends showing this lavish display on Facebook stating what they are doing, where they are how ‘blessed’ they are blah blah blah!! Blessed is a particular favourite of mine.

Op you’ve posted this thread on the wrong forum…….
….
……. it should be on mums net.

Just get divorced.

You’ll then be fiercely ostracised by all the mothers, who will look at you with withering contempt for failing to buckle down and resign yourself to a lifetime of dreary unhappiness, having to worry about petty mummsnetty crap like this. And the fathers will be scared to be associated with you, and won’t do anything more than nod at you, for fear of the withering death stare. But look at the downtrodden, pussy-whipped jealousy behind their eyes.

Whenever you find yourself in (mercifully brief) social situations, make sure that you wave a huge cheery hello, and flash them a big smile. Forcing them to briefly acknowledge you through gritted teeth.

Its like having Ebola! Its ****ing brilliant!! 😀

Thanks for all the replies! A few avenues to go down! 😀

My wife isn’t that arsed with them either – she really is only going along with it for the sake of our daughter.

‘blessed’ they are blah blah blah!! Blessed is a particular favourite of mine

Blessed. Yes, that’s the word they like to use.

Blessed. Yes, that’s the word they like to use.

They also like posting vague things like ‘Off to the doctors’ or ‘feeling down’ to invite warm, huggy responses! They’d never actually say why they’re sad or off to the doctors.

Oh no you have to ask and show concern. But if you’re not in the right clique they can’t tell you any more details. It’s all a big game.

mark90 is right.
It’s not like here where folk post up things about skintags on knobs or picolax. There would be far fewer facebook responses if all the gory detail was spelt out in the first post.

Sweeping generalistation time – 3 types of people – good blokes (ones you like and hang about with), tw*ts (ones you have nothing to do with) and in-betweeners (those who are generally boring/characterless or might probably fall into 2nd catergory but for a peaceful life you just maintain a civil/neutral attitude towards because you have to work with them, they’re related/family or people you meet in situations like yours). They’re probably jealous of your situation.

It’s just like The Hive in here, allegedly written about the schoolgate cliques of a village near me…

Yes unfortunately

Had this loads with the Ex as the kids were growing up!
Be “sociable” but as previously stated – go along but you don’t have to have anything to do with the other parents beyond “Hi”.
The grief it causes both the kids and arguments between parents is not worth it.
Divorce has it’s benefits 😉