Don’t cancel a thing.
Let Facebook know directly about this.
Post screenshots of the arrangements openly asking for an opinion from YOUR friends, etc. “AIBU?”
Collect the kids as planned.
Not nice, possibly braking rule No.1 but **** her.
Kids come first and anyone that decides to use them as a weapon deserves everything they get.

Let Facebook know directly about this.

Don’t do this, that’ll only succeed in worsening the situation.

Best of luck mate.

I’m not sure that just after ex discovers DrP is doing just fine in his new life is the time to escalate. I’d be making a load of notes, taking some screen shots and accumulating evidence for if it gets nastier in the hope it won’t. Christmas is coming, a storm to be weathered in any family and especially a recently separted one. “Season of goodwill”, no chance.

These days I just assume a person is horrible until I see evidence otherwise…in complete contrast to what I was like until my mid-20s, when I naturally just trusted people.
It’s awful really…people can also change, so you could marry someone who then becomes toxic as time goes on.
But the result is a certain level of social isolation on my part, I’ve been single for 10 years, and all my friends are now married. If I go down to the pub, most of the regular drinkers there are in a similar boat and I can’t say they are very happy either and certainly not healthy. Among the married people I know, there are plenty of hushed up affairs which are just as depressing to hear about, and then the fall-out from divorce, particularly with kids involved, is perhaps the most horrible thing to witness.

She’s probably worried ‘her’ kids might come into contact with your new GF and might actually like her.

Have also recently divorced a narcissist and experienced similar except that my children are in their teens. While she played games I did my best to isolate them from them and not react to them even though it hurt. My boys have now decided that they don’t want to live with their mother any more and have moved in with me full time. Appreciate it’s difficult with younger kids but best advice is don’t be a dick, play the long game, and be there for your kids as it won’t be easy for them living with her if she’s anything like my ex.

Don’t cancel a thing.
Let Facebook know directly about this.
Post screenshots of the arrangements openly asking for an opinion from YOUR friends, etc. “AIBU?”
Collect the kids as planned.
Not nice, possibly braking rule No.1 but **** her.

All of that is doing exactly this:

Kids come first and anyone that decides to use them as a weapon deserves everything they get.

Continue to be civil, please 🙂

No direct experience of any of this it must be said, but I do have 3 kids and I can imagine how tough it must be for you DrP.  Hope it all works out for you and the kids 🙂

DrP

At some stage, your kids will work out that you are the decent human being and want to spend their time with you of their own volition. Keep on being that decent human being. Until then, formalise and stick to, the arrangement. Stay consistent with it. Keep the ex at arms length. As stated above, don’t play.

At the same time, keep a record of the evidence. You may, sadly, until your kids are adults themselves, need it sometime.

All the best

DrP

I’m afraid they’re all out there.

My Ex has done such a hatchet job that I have no contact with my kids…. for just shy of 18 months and counting.

Don’t want to go into details but the legal system wouldn’t help in my case.

Despite extensive efforts, I’ve had to call it a day for now, for my mental wellbeing.

Devastated doesn’t come close.

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate when they marry is that they are also marrying her mum, her sisters, her best friends and her pals on social media, so whatever they do or say will be rubbished.

I share a house with the woman I married and we manage to rub along for the sake of a stress-free home life but there are moments when I realise she’s been chatting with her best pals, one of whom is the wife of my cycling buddy so I see it from his perspective as well.

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate when they marry is that they are also marrying her mum, her sisters, her best friends and her pals on social media, so whatever they do or say will be rubbished

LOL maybe in your world mate…. Not in mine.

100% agree weeksy, utter tosh.

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate is that it doesn’t have to be that way.

I see so many people “joke” about things like having to hide a recent purchase from their partners, or not being allowed to go out of an evening with their mates, hell I’ve been there myself. Put the boot on the other foot, what if it was the bloke telling his wife that she couldn’t leave the house? It took me years to realise it, but what you’ve got there is an abusive relationship.

I’ve “managed to rub along” with various partners over the years, where regular arguments over nothing are just routine. In a past life I once almost came to (her) blows over a blazing row about whether the key to the gas cupboard was triangular or square (her: I’ve lived here for years, me: I’ve literally just been in the garage like two minutes ago and seen it). And with the benefit of hindsight I can categorically state now, it’s shit. I only regret that I didn’t realise this a quarter of a century earlier. Know how many arguments I’ve had with my new girlfriend in the last year? None. (Unless you count getting a bit tetchy in escape rooms or playing board games.) It’s been a revelation.

I totally get that being with someone is a partnership, but that doesn’t – and shouldn’t – mean that you lose your sense of self in the process. Eg, I used to get whinged at for things like not merging our respective CD collections together – this shows a lack of commitment apparently – yet why would I want to do that? I don’t want to be picking through bloody Take That CDs to get to my copy of Troublegum, and I doubt many other people would want to wade through my extensive T’Pau collection.

If I was “managing to rub along” with a partner these days, I’d leave. Life’s too short for that nonsense.

I was speaking to a relative about someone we know who is now very unwell. This person knew him before I did, and said he used to be outgoing and fun. I’ve never known him like that. The change – he married the wrong person. He probably won’t last long now, and I’m fairly sure all the bitterness he has built up over the years has been a leading factor in why he is so unwell.

Sorry to hear this Dr P. Not qualified to diagnose narcissism (or any other disorder for that matter), but am now seven years separated (two and a half years divorced) from a woman who has pulled a number of those tricks over the years, invented her own pre and post separation narratives, used my guilt (in her eyes) as a pretext for all kinds of abuse, bullying and manipulation and generally behaved in a very difficult fashion over the years. All I can say is focus on the kids. Try not to allow them to be drawn into the angst with your ex. Don’t disparage her in front of them and let them know that you love them unconditionally. My ex went a bit ballistic when I met someone new. It’ll blow over and as long as the regular access arrangements stay on track just work from that basis.

Good luck!

Probably best to keep her at a longer arms length & let her discover such plans post event!

Hey – Going through similar just now, I’m being painted as a d*ck too (and being called it by her many many times!)

The kids and I were homeless for a few weeks until last weekend living in a B&B while she was living in our family home by herself (oh, she’s an alcoholic and that was the reason we had to leave.)

Solicitors involved etc and we have essentially pulled rank on her and forced her out of the house so the kids weren’t homeless – you would have thought that she would also put the kids first, but she is the most bitter vindictive person I have ever met now. Even though I’ve said that on her night with the kids she can stay in the house and I will sleep on a sofa somewhere (she can have a fortnightly supervised overnight – Social services have ruled this.)

It’s hard to do, but you have to just rise above, keep your temper away and keep being reasonable. People will see through her lies and make up their own minds – and if they side with her so be it, that’s up to them.

K

Funkrodent plus 1.

Same time frame for me, with some similar issues. definitely do not disparage your ex in front of the kids, which makes perfect sense in theory, but pretty damn hard to hold on to in reality…

I’d also echo the comments about getting things down on paper legally, keeping a record of things too is (unfortunately) worth doing. Even if you never use this, it’s still a card up your sleeve – although probably not the ace that you’d want.

I ended up sucking up a lot of stuff for the sake of the kids really, then having to deal with that on my own later. I found her versions of what happened and her general playing the victim quite hard to deal with (for the record she left after several affairs… love is blind and all that?), but things will evolve eventually. As Edukator said you seem to one of the more reasonable people here so just stay that way as much as you can.

Finally I did go and see a professional, which doesn’t actually provide any solutions, but it’s sometimes helpful to “get it all off your chest” to someone who is un-involved.

it’s crap, for everyone involved (ex too).

Someone did tell me that these things are also kind of the oxygen masks in planes, you have to put your own on first, before helping anyone else. i.e. make sure that look after yourself in the middle of all this – it’s easy to forget that, but your kids will need to see you’re ok – even if you aren’t.

enough rambling form me. good luck DrP.

I would simply ignore her actions, resist the temptation to respond to posts on Facebook or in any other way try to justify your actions. People are usually very good at seeing through people and I am sure everyone will be seeing her for what she is and seeing you for what you are.

I really do feel for the OP, especially when this shit happens at this time of year.

All that you can really do is to not play and not get drawn into battles on social media, the key point here is control – she desires control over you and is willing to use your kids and social media to do this. Not everyone is dumb, they’ll see what’s happening and form their own opinion. There’s nothing that you can do about this, the view I’ve taken in the past is that it’s none of my business what an ex says about me to other people. I have twice been in the unpleasant situation where an ex has coerced mutual friends to take sides by virtue of outlandish claims about my behaviour, those who do without checking your version of events frankly ain’t worth bothering with.

Don’t get drawn into mind games, don’t engage at all. Your kids will grow up to see which parent is more reasonable and consistent and will make up their own minds.

That is a truly rubbish situation, sorry

Could you deal with it through the kids? Give them the best time ever, make them want to see Daddy even more? Get your missus to help you with that.

I’m not suggesting you use the kids to be the middle man, but make them want to see you rather than mum saying go to this person, and hopefully they will then voice that at the right time

“Why do people have to be so horrible….. ?”

I dunno if you want a real answer, but I’ve seen similar behaviour and believe it is caused by a mixture of paranoia, fear and disappointment with life.

Probably linked to an poor ability to effectively plan for the future leading to a belief that everything will turn out well, this then conflicts with real life ie life as a single mother which leads to a certain amount of cognitive dissonance as the person is unable to cope with the fact their life has turned out pretty rubbish.

To placate this cognitive dissonance they then start to develop a victim mentality which explains why their life is not going to plan.

To do this you obviously need to blame alot of people for various decisions they have made in the past.

The problem is this victim mentality starts to stick and it feeds into initial paranoia which means they start to attack many people for many things.

This then confirms the initial suspicions that they were right that everyone has it in for them.

Im not saying there is anything you can do or you need to be softly softly with her. But she’s probably not sitting at home laughing about how she’s ruined the weekend for you.

But she’s probably sitting there at home honestly convinced that you planned to reveal your new girlfriend to your Kids that and then suggest they all move in with you. And that they all jump at the chance leaving her all alone and she needed to take preventive action to stop this occurring.

Like I say I dont think there is anything you can do, just dont make the mistake of thinking she’s enjoying these actions. Shes probably sitting in her own private hell of her own imagination.

that or she really is horrible

I see so many people “joke” about things like having to hide a recent purchase from their partners, or not being allowed to go out of an evening with their mates, hell I’ve been there myself. Put the boot on the other foot, what if it was the bloke telling his wife that she couldn’t leave the house? It took me years to realise it, but what you’ve got there is an abusive relationship.
…
…
If I was “managing to rub along” with a partner these days, I’d leave. Life’s too short for that nonsense.

When you have kids and the mother is threatening to take the kid(s) to the other end of the country or another country it’s really not that simple and as someone else pointed out the legal system is completely stacked against you.

Scu98rkr….
You’re pretty much hitting the nail on the head there… Fear and abandonment… Which leads to bad behaviour.. Which leads to being abandoned….

I’m feeling calmer today… I guess what will be will be this weekend..!

I don’t want to sit here feeling all riteous, but I sincerely hope ‘those around’ can see her behaviour for what it is…

Also, I think I just need to have ZERO expectation of her. I mean, i often naively think that we can be nice to each other for the sake of the kids… But clearly she sees ANY type of pleasant behaviour towards me as a sign of weakness?
Maaan.. F’it… Guess I just have to play at her own game..

DrP

I wont pretend that I have any experience in this situation..

But ..

I’m a difficult person to live around..

I fly off the handle regularly..mentally breakdown a LOT and have done terrible things to myself..

BUT…
For the greater good of the people around me that I care about I made ‘colin’..

So I can be civil and manageable for those people in those situations and for those who are not ..

I dont engage..just shut down and walk away..then shout it out somewhere else as not to hurt anyone( or alternatively beat the living C**P out of an inanimate object like a wall or something similar)

If she decided to play games..

DONT cave you will win…

Even if it means sitting by watching and protecting your kids…if your on here talking about it ..it matters..so keep fighting..the GOOD fight…

Considered getting full custody(if seems that willing to hurt them then why SHOULD she see them!!)..

Kids no1!!..shes not worth your rage let alone your energy..

I didn’t think I could win..I DID ..because I just kept fighting ..never lost my head or did anything to make enemies..

Victory seems difficult ..IT IS..but it CAN BE DONE..

When you have kids… it’s really not that simple

Fair point, I was meaning in isolation really.

Also, I think I just need to have ZERO expectation of her.

Yep. Anything she does that’s positive is a bonus. It’s really bloody difficult but just ignore the rest. She may get worse, she may not. If she does, then she’ll have made further justification for your reasons for ending the relationship. She may also be very worried that your new g/f is a better human being than her and that her kids will see her for what she is.

The end outcome that works best for everyone is happy kids, happy you and happy her in that order.

Maybe in future, don’t let her know your plans with what you are doing with the kids – she probably sees you and the kids are going to have a great time (with your new partner).

My nieces partner got ‘character assassinated’ on Facebook, so much so he was threatened with more than a good kicking.

He and my niece were friends with an his ex, as he had kids with her. She’d even lived with them for a while whilst in between houses. One night she got absolutely smashed, but she was an aggressive drunk. Started to attack my niece, he was asleep upstairs, heard the noise, came down and separated them, in doing so the drunk fell over, and landed on her face. Of course, next day, all over Facebook, shots of face, xxx hit me etc etc. Police involved. No mention of her being rat faced. The stress of all this caused my niece to lose her baby. No charges, but eventually my nieces partner posted on facebook explaining what happened, and mentioned she was a violent drunk, something that people who knew this women were aware of. Thing is this caused a massive amount of upset, and threats of violence, all because of this nutter and social media.

Keep the information to your ex as little as possible.

Fortunately, my wife doesn’t listen to her friends – most are from broken relationships, and telling us how to run our relationship after nearly 25 years married isn’t going to wash. One friend was telling my wife about the advantages of botox and lip fillers – oh it doesn’t hurt. Fortunately my wife wouldn’t do any of that – I’d also have to say something if she did. PS the friend looks exactly the same after the ‘recovery’ period – money wasted.

@pjm1974

..wise words…this is why I love reading on stw..no one judges just remains as helpful as posdible

Hi DrP, feel your pain mate. My ex is a horrible, horrible person. I am fortunate to have my daughter living with me permanently. We moved house 2 weeks ago after the sale of the family home. I was away at a wedding that weekend so it gave the ex plenty of time to move her stuff out and spend some time with the daughter. She wasn’t going to see the daughter again until Xmas.
So, I call the daughter Sat morning to see how things were going to be told the ex had already gone at 10am, didn’t say goodbye to her or even want to spend the day with her.
It’s just nuts. Her behaviour became very irrational and strange, and it’s still on going as we haven’t sorted the finances out yet.

My 2 cents worth…..

We’re talking 25 years ago now but I assume this all still applies:

My solicitor told me that if the ex wasn’t “ok” after 12 months, then she was going to “take it to the grave with her”. He was right. Her getting re-married and have 2 more kids did not stop her wanting to ruin my life any way she could.

Keep a low profile. My boys and I learned pretty quickly not to tell her anything. No hint of anything we had planned – day trips etc. Nothing.

The boys learned that getting back to her house after a weekend with me and telling her that they “had a great weekend” bought down on them a whole heap of kak – usually a day or two later. I was amazed when my (then) 12 year old told me “if she asks we just say “it was ok, or it was boring”. Horrible that a child comes to this conclusion, but I’m glad that he did for his and his little brothers own sakes.

Assuming you’re a good person to start with, just continue to be one. It won’t prevent bad things from happening (sadly), there’s no great “reward” for being a good person – no implied “balance or justice” will occur, but you will feel better in yourself for not having stooped to the other persons level.

Good luck!

Edit: Someone asked earlier why you would post this subject on a cycling forum. Obviously it’s because this is exactly the right place to post it. Amongst people you have something in common with – fellow cyclists and friends.

A lot of what scu98rkr says sounds reasonable.
Maybe in her eyes you are being a bit of a dick. I doubt she is alone in being put out by seeing a new, younger, attractive partner. Perhaps she is finding parenthood difficult and takes umbrage when you breezily say that it’s no problem to have the kids, they’ll have a specially planned weekend, including an early birthday party! – with which she can’t compete.
All of that could be crap and I’m not sure even if any of it was true, what difference it would make (especially as she won’t talk to you). But, understanding her motivations may be a start to improving things.

@spekkie

This method applies to many things…how I’ve saved though a lot of stuff..not just child custody problems..

Again, what spekkie says sounds reasonable. Agreeing to take the children, but appearing somewhat reluctant, and the children going back saying it was a bit meh, may well go down better.

I guess what will be will be this weekend..!

Dude, zen – respect.

Acceptance of reality sounds like you are in a whole better place than she is. Look after yourself, stay strong for the kids.

<Acceptance of reality sounds like you are in a whole better place than she is>

Or alternately she hasn’t completely let go..

As a wise mainframe once said, “the only winning move is not to play.”

Can’t you go global thermal nuclear war on her?

How often do you see your children? is it usually every other weekend and the ex has them all the rest of the time? In my experience women tend to get on much better with exs who pay their way properly with regards to maintenance and who have the children 50% of the time. Not saying you don’t just saying what I’ve experienced.

I haven’t read all the posts, this is my experience.
My ex pulled a few tricks like this, and by far the best policy is to rise above it and be the grown-up in this situation, in the long run it’ll be better. I now have an excellent relationship with my daughter, it was never bad but I was portrayed as a total dick and even when little she had the nous to let the ex vent and then came and had a lovely time with me when she could. I even get on well with my ex, for a few days anyway, and it’s good to see why I once thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Good luck and play the long game.

I have the kids JUST under 50% of the time.. I’m pushing to have them more…
I’m happy to go to court of need be, fully aware it’ll be 14k on lawyers….

She knows the £££ followed the kids… And she likes £££… 🙄

DrP