Viewing 40 posts - 81 through 120 (of 136 total)
  • Why do people have to be so horrible…..
  • Premier Icon boxelder
    Full Member

    Theres the driver for your problem; Facebook … dont stalk or spy

    I thought the friend told him, I assumed verbally.

    Premier Icon theboatman
    Full Member

    All I can say is good luck, having spent 22 years with a similar individual we seperated/ divorced about two year’s ago. I’ve two grown up kids, one of whom lives away and a 19 year old who stayed with me from the get go as ‘it was handy for work’ 😏 we also have a 12 year old who had originally stayed with her mum, and we had a 50/50 ish care arrangement. Whilst the arrangements generally ran smoothly, the 12 year old was always grilled upon return home about every aspect of her time with me, from what she ate, did, the clothes she has worn down to any possibility that I might be seeing someone else (who has dad seen, spoke to on the phone, was I messaging a lot. The hilarious thing is I decided we should separate as she was having another affair, and is still with the latest one. I would always get a slew of texts and calls following any time with me, expressing concerns on what we had eaten and done etc etc. Again the odd thing is she has always been totally without boundaries to what the kids can eat and do, money no concern as this is her way or being popular.

    Equally when we separated, she advised the kids it was all my decision and made a further rake of promises about how it’s the kids first etc etc. The eldest two are reluctantly wise to this game, which in itself is a shame and something I do hold myself as responsible for as I allowed this charade for years.

    But more recently after maxing out all her cards etc she made the decision to move in with new fella who has two young kids of his own part of the time. Luckily when we separated we put all our capital assets in trust for the kids, so neither of can use these. The decision to move triggered our 12 year old to state her wish to live with me as she didn’t want a new set of younger brother’s. The ex was pretty cornered by this as neither afford to stay by herself and the promises she had made about the kids wishes coming first. Equally, little un has some autism and she would have had to move school authorities which would have been to her detriment.

    I am made up to have her with me, it was a total result. And me, her and the middle one tick on in a rather lovely rhythm which seems to suit us all. But the ex has intensified all her behaviours, an example being she contacted the school as she was concerned the youngest was ‘starving’ when she came to her. Essentially, me and the youngest have agreed she will have a piece of fruit a day in her pack up, something the ex considered irrelevant as my youngest ‘doesn’t like fruit’. We are steadily working away through most fruits with varying success, but we pick them together shopping and her pack up probably still has a higher calorific content than mine. And this is just one example, and you can imagine the hassles that come sorting such things.

    I can only echo the other posts to not be a dick. I don’t recall ever putting their mum down to any off them and even when they raise the subject I just tend to listen and promote what outcomes they want. Similarly, I don’t involve friends or family, I severed most of my social media contacts with mutual friends etc as it jt ensured I would never be seen ‘defending’ myself or slagging her off. I just only care what the kids and my nearest family and friends think or feel.

    It’s not easy, and I’m sure you will find your own coping strategies. All the best.

    Premier Icon neilc1881
    Free Member

    Been going through similar DrP (and many others it seems).

    Lots of good advice, all I’d add is to protect yourself – communicate in written forms, avoid phone calls. Be careful and try and ensure witnesses are there for handovers etc, public place or maybe leave a dashcam running.

    If she gets wind of the power of a domestic violence accusation it can make it extremely difficult. Mine is doing this and it’s grim. I feel sorry for all the people who genuinely live in those horrendous situations, but to drag children into a fabricated tale of it is terrible. Sadly it seems all too common and that there is little that can be done to stop it.

    It sounds like you’re doing the right thing. But it does get to you after a while. I find I can let it all go to an extent but occasionally it builds up to a point where I need to vent it all. Luckily I’ve got close friends and family who are great, but it seems here is good too.

    We live in hope that our children will emerge from this unscathed enough to be able to make their own decisions and have happy, healthy relationships in the future.

    Good luck

    Premier Icon molgrips
    Free Member

    Theboatman and DrP sound lovely, I’d marry either. If I went that way.. and wasn’t already married. you know.

    Premier Icon DrP
    Free Member

    Thank you for the kind words peeps…

    Quick update:
    SO i had the kids the last few days, and when they came home yesterday the Xmas cards they had designed and I’d ordered a few pack of, one for me, one for their mum, also came home.

    Yes, there was a part of me that wanted to be “F you..” and bin her packs… but that’s not me, so after dropping teh kids at school, I popped the packs i’d ordered on her doorstep and carried on to work. Like you say; be the better man..

    I received a message a few min ago suggesting that we carry on with the original plan of me having the kids this weekend, and that at no point had she suggested a change.

    I’m happy; have chosen NOT to persue the fact she’d been asking on FB for help, and whether she’s changed her mind (possibly cos of the cards..) or that no one could help her, it’s all good in the end….

    Live and love people xxx

    DrP

    Premier Icon wonnyj
    Free Member

    Why do people feel the need to share what is an extremely personal situation with all and sundry on a bike forum …

    Oh dear, how STW has changed….. Tyres and e-bikes are in the bike forum.

    Premier Icon madmechanist
    Free Member

    @theboatman

    I’m a 22 year old asd(and autistic..) this is good to hear people do understand change and instability is VERY damaging..

    And a piece of advice keep doing what your doing..but if shes on meds(ritalin,concerta.) they WILL increase her appetite making her seem constantly hungry..

    On the food side..try the fruit flavoured thing then something similar in texture/taste if shes struggling from the get go..also build a positive relationship with food..like ‘could you TRY this’ not you MUST eat this..bit sounds like shes doing good with it..

    Premier Icon svensvenson
    Full Member

    well I’m pleased that worked out ok. occasionally doing the “Right” thing works.

    I suppose that I could add that the whole scenario is probably going to repeat itself too, in that you hear of something, it all blows up and then mysteriously fades away, leaving you wondering what the hell just happened.

    Or it was quite often like that for me – still is I guess, if I’m honest.

    have a good weekend!

    Steve.

    Premier Icon faerie
    Full Member

    A friend of mine bought me “Becoming The Narcissist’s Nightmare” by Shahid a Arabi after I introduced her to a new friend (with benefits, I wasn’t pretty enough for gf “but alright in the dark”)
    It helped me to understand that I was not the problem and how to manage their behaviour. He’s moved on to another victim (she’s young enough to be a trophy and naive enough to be manipulated) and I’ve been left with PTSD but I’m slowly untangling the damage they caused and can weather the digs they still take at me.
    @DrP I’m glad to hear that you’ve managed to resolve this situation, kindness always disarms the narcissist as they can’t paint themselves as the victim and get the attention they desire. Well done and keep strong, your actions are admirable

    Premier Icon neilc1881
    Free Member

    Could be a useful read for a few of us here by the sounds of it! Book club anyone!?

    Premier Icon frankconway
    Full Member

    It could be a secret santa present.

    Premier Icon DrP
    Free Member

    deffo a book club…
    This is a book i’ve been reading (and actually passed on to my new partner!)..

    I found it, as well as the ‘surviving narcissist’ youtube videos really helpful.
    I literally had to ‘learn a new language’ when communicating..

    DrP

    Premier Icon faerie
    Full Member

    Lol @DrP, I was just rereading “The Narcissist Translator” and dictionary bit. I think that’s the bit I opened it at and realised I was a fool for being taken in by their manipulation

    Premier Icon whytetrash
    Free Member

    DrP… so glad this has been resolved, I remember your initial post when you were first splitting up, how you were being so reasonable in the hope that it would make things easier in the long run. I felt like warning you not to be too nice with her after making the same mistake myself, your ex is now behaving exactly as mine did/does! I actually felt really guilty for not commenting on that post when I read this…..sorry

    Premier Icon PJM1974
    Free Member

    Firstly, I am delighted at the humanity in the responses and the personal accounts of people who’ve split with partners and who’ve gone on to have excellent relationships with their kids and even the ex-partners themselves.

    It helped me to understand that I was not the problem and how to manage their behaviour

    Narcissists have a way of making everything about you. I once found myself in a relationship with narcissistic tendencies -I’ve numerous examples of things that were “off” if that makes sense, but the one that stands out is that I recall suggesting that we both seek counselling to help us through the rough patch and was told “excellent idea. As everything is clearly your fault, go and get help and then we can fix this”. At that point I was incredulous, the penny dropped that whatever happened next would never “fix” any of it.

    Current MrsPJM is a wonderful human being, absolutely amazing in every respect. However, my MiL is also a narcissist who has attempted to split us up several times and has tried to turn family members against us. Narcissists can’t cope when they realise that they’re not the centre of your universe, they’re usually angry for reasons that aren’t about you and can turn very nasty once they realise that they’re not the centre of your universe. Things can get worse before they get better, but it’s well worth remembering that none of that is your fault or your responsibility to address.

    Sorry if that’s rambling, but narcissistic behaviour from a parent or grandparent for that matter can be incredibly destructive in terms of collateral damage. Learning to deal with this type of personality disorder in a non-confrontational way will change the dynamic of things for the better.

    Premier Icon DrP
    Free Member

    Narcissists can’t cope when they realise that they’re not the centre of your universe, they’re usually angry for reasons that aren’t about you and can turn very nasty once they realise that they’re not the centre of your universe. Things can get worse before they get better, but it’s well worth remembering that none of that is your fault or your responsibility to address.

    And i see this is the crux… the trigger if you will…
    Hands up who has, or still is, called “disrespectful” all the f’ing time…
    “you show me no respect
    “you’re so disrespectful for not [insert thing they want you to do, reasonable or not]”… !

    It’s so funny… it’s like it’s THE ‘word of the narcissist’… I get it all the time!

    DrP

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    “Try being respectable, you harridan!”

    Premier Icon faerie
    Full Member

    The trigger for my friendship’s demise was when I started to stand up for myself and confronted their behaviour, that’s when they got really nasty… But still wanted to come round to get pissed every week or so after they’d been to the pub

    Premier Icon neilc1881
    Free Member

    DrP – They do seem to latch on to certain insults/name-calling as a defence and to try and deflect things back to you when you don’t do exactly what they say. After a while it becomes very predictable, which sort of helps with dealing with it. Pointless trying to discuss or rationalise it though.

    Faerie – that sums it up, you reach a point where you know you can’t just play along and need to stand up to it. For me it was when she started preventing me from taking our children to see my family, big family occasions sometimes (but of course we went to hers). I started trying to be stronger and say that we needed to go etc but all it did was give her reason to accuse me of being abusive. Now I know it’s just another weapon in the narcissists armoury. Once you stand up to them they can’t take it anymore – what gives us the right to question them? It spiralled downhill from there. Everyday I ask myself the ‘what ifs’ but I just can’t see that a change could ever have happened. It still continues by email but at least I don’t have to go home to it.

    Premier Icon CountZero
    Full Member

    Why do people feel the need to share what is an extremely personal situation with all and sundry on a bike forum …

    Well, I’ve been on this chat side of the Singletrackworld magazine forum for sixteen years, and such topics have been common on the chat forum for as long as I’ve been here – I’m surprised it’s taken you all this time to notice…

    Premier Icon hodgynd
    Free Member

    Ok …I’ve been quoted three times now and was prepared to let it lie ..In answer to your question QZ ..of course I’ve noticed ..I just don’t take things at face value ( there is another side to the OP’s story that we are never going to hear ..that of of the ex missus).
    This is in fact a rehash of the story he told when splitting up from his missus..what a wonderful person he is and what a hateful and spiteful person his missus is …
    I would probably like to hear her side of the story before making my own mind up ..
    I’m probably a little bit ” old school” when it comes to this sort of thing..and instead of bleating on like a little schoolgirl about how badly done to he is on a public forum ..he should just grow a set and resolve things with his ex on a one to one basis ..he is after all slagging her off behind her back knowing that its unlikely she will ever see his comments ..
    If that’s the sort of response you wanted ..more than happy to oblige …

    Premier Icon duckman
    Full Member

    Swoon; what a man’s man you are hodgynd. I bet you have your own theme music!

    Doc; best revenge is to live well. Put the kids first and get on with life. I could tell you it gets better, but as my son gets older and more independent her ability to fling poo is eroding and so it doesn’t…And bide off the revenge social media,to paraphrase “ she will drag you down to her level and beat you with experience.”

    Premier Icon hodgynd
    Free Member

    Oh ..here we go the first of the Dr.P fan boys to respond ..before there are anymore could I please refer you to the title of the thread and point out that while it may not agree with yours I’m assuming it’s ok to have a different opinion ?
    Hmmm…theme music ..hadn’t given that much thought ..😂👍

    Premier Icon mtbqwerty
    Free Member

    Good work on staying classy @DrP

    When they’re older they’ll know which parent to aspire to be

    Premier Icon faerie
    Full Member

    Hodgynd, it’s fine to have a different opinion but be prepared to be challenged on them, especially when they are toxic. There are several threads on the chat forum which discuss mental health and the benefits of opening up and talking about problems and how dismissing people as “bleating” and “schoolgirls” is known to be toxic. It’s not a great platform but it does give people a space to ask advice, or vent, with anonymity, impartiality and without repercussions in their relationships. We’re not the judge or the jury, just everyday people trying to get along and make connections

    Premier Icon neilc1881
    Free Member

    Hodgynd, I can only imagine you’ve had the luck of passing through life having no interaction with a genuine narcissist. From personal experience, ‘manning up’ and getting on with it doesn’t work. They feel that you are challenging them which results in an escalation of very negative behaviour.
    There is no reasoning with them, it’s a one sided thing, you try and do the right thing but that doesn’t match the story they have of events. Their side can be completely fabricated in order to blame you for the breakdown – they couldn’t possibly be part of the cause of it. There are certainly 2 sides to every argument, both sides play a role but in the case of a narcissist it’s their lack of empathy, reason, understanding and ‘give and take’ that prevents any resolution to even the smallest of disagreements and forgiveness after the event.
    I think I started out with your view of this but it’s hard to maintain when the only option to live with someone like that is to do everything they say, when they say, abandon all personal views, feelings and opinions. In the end you’ve got to find a way out of what is a really tough situation. Sounds like DrP has done this. Staying in a relationship like that only tells your children that this is an acceptable way to treat people and runs the risk that they grow up replicating this scenario with their partners.

    Premier Icon fossy
    Full Member

    Have a great weekend DrP

    Premier Icon DrP
    Free Member

    Hodgynd… I get where you’re coming from, I really do… “Why’s this numpty sharing all this personal stuff with strangers on the Internet..”.

    I guess because it’s useful to talk. Men are terrible at it. I’ve been terrible at it… I’ve been trapped in a situation where I’ve let TERRIBLE things happen to me.. I became depressed, mentally anguished, and genuinely lost who I was.

    Speaking to friends has been helpful.
    Speaking to a counselor was literally a lifesaver.
    And just ‘soundboarding’ with strangers (i. E HERE) is also very useful.

    I may be Complete ****, I may be an abusive partner. I may be completely blind to my awful faults.. Of course I may…
    But… Even IF that is the case, comments like “just be the best you can be”.. “don’t lower yourself” etc have HELPED..
    I don’t know if I WOULD have binned the bloody friends cards and sat there grinning at how ‘powerful’ I was… But.. The “voices of singletrack” (album out in the new year) rang in my head and helped me do the right thing.
    And the outcome was good.
    And I felt good.
    Even with all the terribleness around me..

    So regardless of if I’m the worst husband and parent in the world…. I’ve come away from HERE better. Which can only be good eh..

    Also, to me, STW is just the “dadsnet” or “gingerbread” or “samaritans hotline” or “Church” or “mind” or “insert useful mental resource here” that we KNOW helps.

    It’s just talking innit….

    DrP

    Premier Icon hodgynd
    Free Member

    DrP..
    Thanks for the reply.
    As stated from the outset I don’t think something this personal belongs on a public forum ..but I’m glad that you have had professional help and that you are moving on with your life…
    Having been through two fairly acrimonious break-ups myself it would be the furthest thing from my mind to make the details public knowledge..
    What struck me as a little hypocritical was you entitled the thread ” Why do people have to be so horrible …”..and then proceeded with a personal attack on your ex ..
    It’s probably unlikely that she will ever read those comments ..but I cant imagine it would stand you in good stead with your ongoing relationship if she ever did ..
    Anyway..good luck with your new lady..everyone deserves to be happy ( including your ex ) .

    Premier Icon chakaping
    Full Member

    Oh ..here we go the first of the Dr.P fan boys to respond ..before there are anymore could I please refer you to the title of the thread

    You’d do well to ponder the title of the thread yourself – and if you really want to stick to your guns, why not pop over to Mumsnet and set all the mums straight about how they shouldn’t share personal things online too?

    (Still waiting for my DrP fan club membership to arrive, hope there’s a badge and magazine).

    Premier Icon hodgynd
    Free Member

    Well I would sunshine ..but this is the closest thing I get to an online presence..I will leave that sort of thing to the likes of yourself ..you seem to know a good deal about it ..

    Premier Icon tthew
    Full Member

    That’s a marvelous, considered and balanced response there DrP.

    … would be the furthest thing from my mind to make the details public knowledge..

    Me too hodgynd, but I’m the sort of idiot who’d try and man up through it and loose out on the genuinely meant help that people offer on here, likely to my detriment.

    That’s my opinion and I’m not going to get drawn into a slanging match.

    Premier Icon CountZero
    Full Member

    Well I would sunshine ..but this is the closest thing I get to an online presence..I will leave that sort of thing to the likes of yourself ..you seem to know a good deal about it ..

    Ever thought about not having any online presence at all?

    Premier Icon frankconway
    Full Member

    hodgy – some pretty dumb comments; when in a hole…..

    Premier Icon batfink
    Full Member

    feel good thread of the yea…… oh hang on. No, as you were.

    Premier Icon perchypanther
    Free Member

    (Still waiting for my DrP fan club membership to arrive, hope there’s a badge and magazine).

    You get a stick-on beard and a natty waistcoat.

    You also get a blue P next to your username.

    Premier Icon boomerlives
    Free Member

    I’m probably a little bit ” old school”

    and

    Having been through two fairly acrimonious break-ups myself

    Ah. Cause and effect.

    Good work DrP, rising above it has paid off.

    Until fairly recently I thought narcissists were just people who were vain, but I have had my eyes opened recently.

    Premier Icon Bikingcatastrophe
    Free Member

    I was with you for a bit @hodgynd – a reasonable question to ask. However, as DrP pointed out in his open response is that [* sweeping generalisation alert *] men are generally not very good at being open to others about the really deep things. The things that touch our hearts and souls. Sometimes it’s quite probably because we don’t even know what’s going on in there. To be able to talk about these things, even if it is to a bunch of strangers, can be both therapeutic and cathartic. There have been plenty of topics over the years on here that one does wonder what the point of it was, but there have also been a significant number where peopel in real need / seemingly hopeless situations have found support, conmfort, a chance to see things with a different perspective and generally been affected positively. Forum members have been able to set aside their Singletrack “personaility” and show genuine warmth, support, solidarity, encouragement and other life affirming attributes. We are all different and work in different ways, If someone feels that this is a safe enough place for them to seek some sort of support that they might not oherwise be able to find in their friends is that really such a bad thing? I don’t think so.

    Premier Icon senorj
    Full Member

    “Hands up who has, or still is, called “disrespectful” all the f’ing time…”
    ME,ME,Me!
    If I offer an opinion that is contrary to that of my missus’ I am also “very rude”. pah.

    Dr P fanclub you say? I’m all for the hairy lapel badge. (Like the Gnasher one).
    🙂

    Premier Icon Kryton57
    Full Member

    That’s a marvelous, considered and balanced response there DrP.

    I generally have a good instinct for people before I start thinking too much – in the 5 mins I’ve met DrP outside of the forum I go the sense he’s a kind and balanced individual.

    I do understand Hodgy’s perspective – if he doesn’t want to put personal stuff on STW then thats fine, but Hodgy not everyone feels like that, and obviously it helps DrP.

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