• This topic has 204 replies, 92 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by reeksy.
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  • What animal could you take on in unarmed combat
  • twistedpencil
    Full Member

    Ffs can cats read? Mine has jumped up on the sofa and put her claws in my scalp. I think it’s about to kick off here and I’m going to get schooled….

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    I’d pay good money to see chewky take on a wolf…

    theotherjonv
    Full Member

    9 ft high and 20 odd stone.  Cant run away either – they can do 70 mph.

    70kph, not mph. But more impressive, they can maintain 60kph for ages, unlike a cheetah that can do 75mph but only for a few seconds. An ostrich could run a marathon in about 40 minutes

    bikesandboots
    Full Member

    Obviously the Bombers or failing that the handlebar.

    I reckon you’d have a hard time getting the handlebar off in one minute. 4 stem bolts, minimum 2 brake/gear/dropper bolts, bonus one lock-on grip bolt so you can use one end as a core sampler.

    Perhaps take the seatpost, smash off the saddle and beat the animal with the rail end. Good for rat, cat, goose, medium dog. I’d want the front wheel as a shield while dealing with the eagle though. For a large dog or chimp I’d want the handlebar. Any of the others I’m using the bike to escape.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    Perhaps take the seatpost

    Except with mine you have to loosen the dropper lever and the lockout lever, slide it into the centre to push enough cable through to release from the actuator. Although forcefully extending a 150mm dropper into the animal’s face would pack a punch…

    reeksy
    Full Member

    Crocodile… depends, am I allowed a frying pan?

    pondo
    Full Member

    Honestly, I think I could take an ostrich – soon as I get hold of that scrawny neck, it’s game over. 🙂

    dissonance
    Full Member

    What part do you use and which otherwise undefeatable animal can you win against?

    The chain from my riding partners bike and it would be any of them since for me “win” is still alive.
    Even if my riding partner is now lunch.

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    The chain from my riding partners bike and it would be any of them since for me “win” is still alive.
    Even if my riding partner is now lunch.

    That exact technique was aired to a colleague training to be an arctic guide and therefore learning to shoot in case 9f polar bear attack…

    thols2
    Full Member

    That’s not a chimp but a howler monkey or spider monkey which is not aggressive at all.

    It’s also not poultry but a porcupine.

    Pedants gonna pedant.

    easily
    Free Member

    The biggest animal I could take down is a slightly smaller than me human being.

    I chased a swan away once when it was blocking my path.

    I scared off a pack of feral dogs, but I did it by throwing stones at them.

    I was also in a stand off with a really big monkey. It gave up, but I really didn’t like the look of it’s teeth and claws.

    CountZero
    Full Member

    I vote that we ask the resident Aussies in the forum….

    WE could do but they wouldn’t answer, they’re all too busy fighting spiders

    And everything else that lives/swims/grows there! The entire Australian ecosystem is designed to kill/maim/cause extreme pain!
    Christ, there’s even a tree that inflicts such extreme pain and suffering that people have killed themselves rather than suffer any longer – when the damned plant life is out to get you, then take that as a clue that the place doesn’t want outsiders* living there.

    *White Europeans.

    I reckon I’d batter most marine life. On land.

    A salt water crocodile? Those bastards will chase you out of the water, and up the beach, and they run faster than you!

    And I have my doubts that any of the above would work for a cobra.

    They can spit in your eye, from several meters away! Or some can, anyway.

    Various mentions of chimps and gorillas, but none about orangutans – adult males weigh about 75 kg (165 lb), and they can brachiate, so ripping your leg off and beating you to death with the bloody end = no problem!

    dyna-ti
    Full Member

    Rat ?, yep, you stomp on them

    House cat ?, Possibly, Though i think you’ve be really clawed to bits.

    Goose ?. Easy. grab neck, twist and pull(Its the same with all dispatching of birds of the food kind.

    Medium size dog ?. Maybe able to strangle it to death.

    Chimp ?. Might get a lucky kick to the head, but if you miss you’re done for.

    Cobra.? Again a possible if you can get the tail end without being bitten, then it i suspect a case of whirl it around your head while looking for a tree to bash it into.

    Kangaroo ?. Possibly not.

    Crocodile ?. How the hell do you even kill one of them with anything other than a gun.

    Gorilla ?.. Not a chance.

    Lion ?. 12 hours later you become lion poo.

    Elephant ?.  This is getting ridiculous

    Grizzly bear ?. Play dead and hope if doesn’t decide to f*** you and if it does try to fake an orgasm.

    reeksy
    Full Member

    Christ, there’s even a tree that inflicts such extreme pain and suffering that people have killed themselves rather than suffer any longer

    Gympie-Gympie stinging tree is one of those and grows in our ‘back yard’. Mother in law accidentally pulled one thinking it was a weed. I think the way to get the stingers out is with sellotape.

    One of my sons fell on one on a walk when he was 3 or 4. Not happy, but it wasn’t any worse than a nettle sting in that instance. They’re pretty easy to avoid though as they have massive heart-shaped leaves. Just don’t use them to wipe your backside … there’s a story of someone suiciding after having done that.

    WE could do but they wouldn’t answer, they’re all too busy fighting spiders

    Early morning bike rides I get covered in them… but never been bitten by one.

    This dude was well and truly dead when i found it on my arm commuting last week!

    Boneyards commute

    The undramatic truth is that there are very few deaths from animals in Australia. I’d be much more scared of humans – especially European humans.

    Welcome to Australia, a land of creatures out to kill you… maybe

    vazaha
    Full Member

    thols2
    Free Member
    That’s not a chimp but a howler monkey or spider monkey which is not aggressive at all.

    It’s also not poultry but a porcupine.

    Pedants gonna pedant.

    You posted a .gif that you called ‘chimp versus poultry’, that had neither a chimp, nor any sort of poultry bird in it.

    To be called out as pedants for pointing that out is a weird flex.

    Daffy
    Full Member

    Almost 10% of Americans think they could take on a Gorilla? It’s really no surprise that Trump was elected, is it?

    timba
    Free Member

    am curious who thinks they could take an elephant unarmed. Exactly what is their plan of attack there

    Their natural habitat is the fridge, evidenced by footprints in the butter, hold the hermetically sealed door closed

    Similary with poultry (and porcupines) that cross the road, do it enough times and they’ll be skittled, simples (meerkats will take a snake, but usually as a mob) 🙂

    mattsccm
    Free Member

    Failed badly with our rather small cat at the weekend. Worm tablet bits everywhere but the cat. My blood on the sofa. However I do have good success rate in subduing sheep if I can catch the buggers

    Mintyjim
    Full Member

    @poah I reckon you could have this one:

    Houns
    Full Member

    The main point that you’re all missing here is that someone, or some people, have been paid to collate and present this data.

    jonnyboi
    Full Member

    Having read the story of Travis the chimp I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near one, let alone fight it.

    I’m not even confident with a medium dog, maybe if it was old with dodgy hips.

    Emu/Ostrich would be easy though, you just sweep the leg and then finish them

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    However I do have good success rate in subduing sheep if I can catch the buggers

    I’m not asking.

    nickc
    Full Member

    Those saying you could take on a wolf. You do know that they’re not “large dog” sized right? They are, in fact, **** huge things; vis

    kayak23
    Full Member

    Red kangaroos are nowt to be trifled with. Up to 1.8 m tall, 90 kg and they grab round the neck with their front paws and disembowel with their powerful back legs.

    Sounds like the mother in law.

    You posted a .gif that you called ‘chimp versus poultry’, that had neither a chimp, nor any sort of poultry bird in it.

    To be called out as pedants for pointing that out is a weird flex.

    Calm down, it’s just a poultry matter.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    or an urban turkey?

    A what now?

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    or an urban turkey?

    Social media influencer?

    johnx2
    Free Member

    Those saying you could take on a wolf. You do know that they’re not “large dog” sized right? They are, in fact, **** huge things; vis

    Yeah, but technically that’s your big, bad wolf. There must be a few small, convivial ones surely? I read as a boy, what you do is jam your forearm in it’s mouth and push it’s head back to break it’s neck. As a nine year old I wasn’t sure how realistic this scenario was.

    Anyway, remember, he’s more scared of you than you are of him. Possibly

    johnx2
    Free Member

    Wow. First ever double post. Anyway, recon I could say boo to a goose

    steezysix
    Free Member

    Maybe that’s just a very small woman?

    poly
    Free Member

    It says take on, not defeat. I mean, if I had to kill a rat and had no weapons, I’d give it a go. I might not win but I doubt I’d lose.

    eh, it doesn’t say take on – it says beat (which I assume = defeat rather than hit repeatedly).  But I don’t know how to define win/defeat?

    clearly if I kill a rat before it kills me I win, but if I land a blow on a rat and it runs off do I still win?  What if I just make a lot of noise and it runs off?  What if I run off and it doesn’t chase me – have I won?

    tthew
    Full Member

    clearly if I kill a rat before it kills me I win, but if I land a blow on a rat and it runs off do I still win?  What if I just make a lot of noise and it runs off?  What if I run off and it doesn’t chase me – have I won?

    See, this is the problem with these sorts of threads, the OP doesn’t define the specifications clearly enough in the first place, which leads to anyone being able to interpret the rules in whichever way they seem fit. The Chimp/Turkey/Porcupine debarcle is therefore Poah’s fault. 😁

    nickc
    Full Member

    Maybe that’s just a very small woman?

    Those women are very far away…

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    There are some things which remind me that our wildlife in the UK is rather benign. Can you imagine this at Glentress?

    https://roaring.earth/wolverine-walks-by-biker-carrying-goat-head/

    willard
    Full Member

    Having seen the injuries my girlfriend got the other day separating our cat from the neighbour’s, I’d say it would be an even fight for me. I’ll start low in that case, I think I could take a Guinea Pig one on one. The bastards.

    honourablegeorge
    Full Member

    chewkw

    King Cobras do Not attack people unless provoke and because of their large size they are not as fast but its venom can easily kill an elephant.

    You’re in unarmed combat though – does that imply you are in a fight, and the cobra is already provoked? Are people relying on sneaking up behind a Cobra?

    nickc
    Full Member

    I read an article a while back that was people’s experiences of being attacked by wild animals. Some were predatory, most weren’t and they were things like cougars, dears, hippos, bears that sort of thing. The overriding thread that drew all these stories together was both how stupidly fast and how immensely strong all the animals were in comparison to the weedy humans they’d decided to have a go at..

    The woman who was attacked by the cougar for instance said, She and friend saw the cougar and the very next thing they knew it had leapt onto her knocked her over and was dragging her down the path with her head in it’s jaws pulling her along the ground. She survived because it needed to re-grip her by the neck to suffocate her, and her friend was throwing rocks at it, and luckily as it released it’s grip a fairly large rock hit it in the head which startled it, and it backed away. But in the time that it wanted to shift it’s grip she said the thing basically pinned her to the ground with it’s fore paws on her chest, in the article she describes how there was no way she could’ve got up or fought it, it was just overwhelmingly powerful.

    Humans are not apex predators.

    reeksy
    Full Member

    Steve Irwin just contacted me via a seance and said crocs are a piece of piss but suggested we all stay well away from sting ray.

    tjagain
    Full Member

    From the manual of countryside lore ” the wind in the willows” I believe that stoats and weasels are pretty nasty creatures you wouldn’t want to face in a fight especially as they have a penchant for knives and flintlocks.  Like a drink as well they do.

    Otters and Badgers are double hard tho but are on the side of good so you fight alongside them not against them

    Moles.  I reckon I could take a mole but it wouldn’t be very nice and if I did the otters and badgers would extract revenge

    so basically against woodland and riverbank creatures you are in big trrouble

    scaredypants
    Full Member

    We visit relatives in California quite often.  There are cougars right in the area (it’s where the biker was killed in a sort of family wilderness park).  Was talking to a bloke up on the hill who was carrying a gun – he was a copper and said it felt uncomfortable not to (!).  I said “might come in handy for a cougar” and he said “nah – bear maybe but if a cougar wants to hurt you, you likely won’t even see it”.

    LOL – or something

    stevextc
    Free Member

    Not sure what is more worrying. ~30% of people don’t think they could take on a rat or 10% of americans think they could take on an elephant.

    I always thought I could take on a red squirrel…. I know they have vicious teeth but then there is a sign on the road into Inners say’s “Danger Red Squirrels” and that got me proper worried… I had visions of one flying in through the open window and going straight for the neck…. so I try and keep the windows up now

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