Don’t normally post this kind of thing up but I’m quite annoyed and need to share.
The wife had a huge falling out with her sister today whilst out on their Saturday run. It ended with my wife threatening to hit her sister and a volley of abuse. She now wants nothing to do with her sister (and vice versa) or niece who both live just here in town a street away and we see quite a bit.
Thing is it was over nothing…. literally nothing and completely instigated by my wife with her sister being more or less a completely innocent party. She just got a bee in her bonnet over the way she feels her sister pays more attention to her own, grown up daughter than she does to her. She then went on to utterly criticise her niece who in my and pretty much everyone else’s opinion is a fairly nice person, which has further worsened the situation.
When she told me all of this all I could do was just stand there dumfounded and just kind of nod vaguely supportively.
I really like her sister and her husband as well as the niece and her boyfriend and we all chum along quite well often doing each other favours to make life that bit easier. Now she’s just thrown a huge spanner in the works and the fall out is likely to be a bit shit.
Aside from them being our friends and in-laws, we lease a car from her sister who works at Audi. A car I use and rely on for work and costs in the scheme of things bugger all. This now (according to the wife) will have to be given back. They also sit for the kids and dogs when we go out or away for weekends which is now not happening.
I mean FFS she’s lost her head over a moment’s frustration or jealousy and effectively cut away her only remaining family. For measure this is not isolated… She has form on this. She’s had minor fallings out with her sister in the past and also lost her best friend (our next door neighbor!!) and several other friends over similar tantrums that were all her doing. So now she’s effectively without any friends and simmering and I must do my duty and stand by her but I’m pretty pissed TBH.
Also for measure, she is on anxiety meds and has been for some time, so I understand that she looses control sometimes and mostly it’s forgotten about soon afterwards but situations like this are driving people I/ we’ve known for years away and it’s not good.
I’ve thought about calling round to her sisters and trying to make the piece but I fear that will just get me in trouble so I guess we now just wait for the dust to settle? Just not sure there’s anything I can say to make her see that she’s causing hostilities as she can only see her point of view but I really feel like telling her that I don’t agree with her on this point and that she needs to keep her head but my husbandly duties mean I just have to be as kind and sensitive as I can to her as she’s fragile right now…… Hurumph!!

Yeah, sisters. Best not get involved in the first place.

It sounds like she needs to learn to use that hardest of words.

You can help her summon the strength of character to say sorry, but I don’t think you can say sorry for her, that’s not how it works.

You could alternatively let her get away with it, but it sounds like that hasn’t been working well.

she is on anxiety meds

I’ve thought about calling round to her sisters and trying to make the piece

Having a chat with the sister sounds sensible.

Leave the wife, shack up with the sister and keep the car?

(Speak to the sister, explain your concerns and hope your wife doesn’t see that as a betrayal).

She needs to take a step back, and find a way to apologise. You can be supportive without siding with her though. Maybe contact the brother in law and see what he thinks can be done

Is she having counseling as well as on the meds? If there’s a pattern of this behaviour, she needs to find a way of breaking the circle.

She’s had some councilling in the past and recently. I’m just not sure she can simply accept other people’s point of views and lifestyles as she seems to feel the need to pass comment (usually quite incendiary) about how people go about their business which very often and understandably gets badly received.

Definitely don’t call round to your sister in law today (at least not without your wife’s blessing, would be very undermining).
Your wife must know she’s made an absolute show of herself here so is prob feeling isolated and a bit of a ****. You can’t validate her behaviour but some general emotional support is the order of the day. Getting her to change is a long term play.

If your wife is on anxiety meds, are they the right ones for her? It took 3 attempts to find suitable meds for me and now feel the ones I’m on now are the right ones. The first made me hostile and aggressive, the second turned me into a zombie, these ones seem pretty balanced.

I know my situation is different to yours but I get what you’re saying about pushing people away, I’ve done quite a bit of that myself over the past year, unkowingly. The handful still here understand and appreciate my difficulties and unfortunately are used to me being however I am on that day. But after the event I always apologise if I was out of turn.

Personally, I would contact the sister and have a chat. Maybe she’s not fully aware of everything that’s going on with your wife. It might not be an excuse but an explanation might help matters.

On the more extreme side of things and on a personal note, life is too short for this sort of thing to happen. Making amens while they still can is important.

she sounds like my mum was, had a big falling out with her sister and so didn’t see her, or that side of the family, for years and banned her from her funeral.

When mum and dad managed hotels dad was always having to recruit new staff, including chefs, and mum had just had a go at them.

not sure that she will be feeling remorse or anything like it.

don’t talk to the sister…

see if you can find a way to bring up the subject or her alienating everyone, so see if she realises she is doing it, but tread carefully…

We need an answer to an important question…

Is she fit?

Volcanic temper eh? Yep we’ve got a few of them in our family, best to just let the dust settle, as it takes time for all to calm down. Surely her sister must have seen this side of her before though, so she perhaps would be better able to handle it then friends who haven’t known her so long?

Honestly, you are right to be pissed off. Problem is if she has no friends then she will be totally reliant on you.

I have nothing constructive to add, but I’m utterly failing to understand where the car comes into it. I’d suggest stop doing flamingo impressions and put your foot down about that if nothing else, that just sounds completely irrational.

Sounds like two of my sisters. Can’t choose your family…

Is she called Louise?
Do you need some urgent stone based garden repairs?
Is she taking the drugs prescribed, or thinks she is fine and better without them?
Could be time to make a life choice, the misses or the audi

You need to tell her she has been unreasonable, you seem to have plenty of examples. You don’t have to agree with her to be supportive like others have said. Maybe making her see how it’s going to affect your lives for the worse will shake her out of it a bit?

Go round and have a beer and a chat with brother-in-law and talk to niece. Try to calm the waters a little.

I’d go chat with the sister, niece and brother in law. If you’re wife has acted like a dick I’d tell her. Might not make you very popular, but it sounds like she has form for this sort of thing. If nobody points her behaviour out to her she’s never going to be able to change.

The wife’s sister is well aware of what she’s like but this is a bit last straw really.
I realise that waiting for the dust to settle then picking my moment to broach the topic is the way forward but unfortunately the voice of reason sometimes just further makes her feel isolated and unsupported!
The other issue is purely selfish really but as said above she then just leans on me and will get quite ratty when I spend time on my own pursuits and friendships which is not good for healthy relationships so I kind of need her to be on good terms with others for all our sakes.

She needs more help dealing with things, if she doesn’t address it one day it will be your turn to get cut off

Nothing wrong with taking sides against your wife.

Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit TBH.

Buy her a new iron, my mrs used to get her hair off regularly, I bought her a new iron and condenser dryer shes a new woman !!

Someone (probably you) needs to tell her that the world doesn’t revolve around her and that other people are entitled to opinions which are opposite to hers. You really need to encourage her to apologise to her sister asap – the longer it is left the harder it will be for a reconcilitation.

Totally agree with Philby. It doesn’t sound like you’re in a healthy relationship at all. Not meant to cause offence OP. Just sounds like this needs to be the catalyst for change.

Has she ever acknowledged she has a problem with her anger – as in, truly acknowledging and trying to make amends? Otherwise it’s hard to change the situation and over time it just gets worse. If she is willing to address it then it can be turned around – I used to have an issue with my temper, but now I identify my trigger points, have done CBT, and learnt to remove myself from situations which set it off.

I mean FFS she’s lost her head over a moment’s frustration or jealousy and effectively cut away her only remaining family. 

Sounds like Mrstaxi, 10yrs and counting 🙁

Nothing wrong with taking sides against your wife

I agree, but only if you want a divorce.
Op don’t go and see the sister without your wife knowing. Talk to your wife, explain how all of this affects you and how it’ll affect both of your futures, try and get a sense if “she” thinks she was unreasonable. If you get that sense you can offer to act as an intermediatry. Long term blowing out her family won’t make your wife happy, but if you want a future together (maybe this is a turning point for you) you’ll have to at least offer her tacit support. Certainly not go behind her back

WTF, this is your wife! She’s obviously going through a tough time (maybe the anxiety medication could be a clue) – stuff like that can make someone behave in ways which don’t seem rational to others. She needs kindness and support, not judgement.

It sounds like she just needs to make an apology.. A genuine one.

That said, a lot of people seem to have great difficulty in offering an olive branch.

No disrespect; Heres my initial thoughts … Personality thing

A lot of good advice here. Sounds to me like she needs more than meds and needs to see a therapist.

Also, (I don’t say this to be insulting) if she has a pattern of chewing through the people in her life and casting them aside then be wary that she’ll eventually make her way to you. Get her help.

There are a few personalities like that in my own family OP. Could start an argument in an empty house. Sad to say, the longer you leave it the harder it is to address and the more damage that’s done.

Raising the subject gently at first was my way to go and then just bluntly confronting in the end.

Meds number one(use antidepresents/mood stabalising medication… Sometimes that’s not the answer… I can have a seriously F*****g dangerous temper sometimes including massive… Seriously massive aggresstion) sounds like somethings been there a long time and try just bieng honest with her sounds like she’s got her demons but don’t let that hurt you.. Its not your fight..I lost more friend then I care to mention but I have a few that would literally jump in front of a gun for me and they are true friends understanding and tolerant..

You can help her if she will listen..
BUT don’t let it be your problem too.. But you need to tell her and make her understand that you will do what you can but she needs to appreciate that these “tantrums” affect people she needs to genuinely apologies and know that people will forgive her if she does her best to control it..

Look after you and be there for her if she understands this behavior is “unexptable” and that’s no one else’s fault.

I know on a personal level it’s the hardest thing you wouldn’t even understand but that’s something that can be controlled, she just needs to communicate and manage the problem but hope the family forgives what happened and she gets what help or meds she needs..

Do update if you need any help or someone understanding to talk to I can if you need… Don’t be alone, sometimes strangers are the best to talk to

‘the body’s easy to fix, the mind is a highly misunderstood thing and not to be underestimated or it will destroy the person’

If it was a child, I’d frog match them over there to apologise…and the wife is acting like a child.

I’m not a mental health worker or a particularly sympathetic person but it sounds like whatever efforts made so far, haven’t been working. Might be time for a different approach.

@onzadog

I’m no mental health worker… Mot a mental health sufferer and it’s tough but Took me too many years to find out that I was doing it all wrong

<If it was a child, I’d frog match them over there to apologise…and the wife is acting like a child.>

Without offending anyone.. Your right we won’t accept children doing it so what’s different to an adult..

The car. It’s leased but not from your sister in law, from a leasing company. That to me seems a point for standing your ground, since early returns can be expensive and problematic and you need it for work.

As for the rest of the mess all I will say is that supporting and doing the right thing for a partner or child does not mean always capitulating or obeying without question or challenge and lots of people up there ^^^^ seem to be vastly more knowledgeable than me on detail.

Nothing wrong with taking sides against your wife.

There’s everything wrong with doing that.

Bi-Polar? More stressed than normal?

Remember you can call the helplines too for advice.

Empathise, arrange to discuss at another time when it has all calmed down. My GF has done similar things with her family. It’s amazing how insignificant things can become a trigger and how quickly it escalates.

Regardless of whatever underlying issue there is, She needs to understand it is not ok to be a dick.
Sounds toxic to me.
Sorry that doesn’t help does it?

We need an answer to an important question

Is she fit?

i though it was just me, but the op reads like he’s quite into the Sister…   Thread needs pics, or the op is Prince William.