The My Turn Post

I’ve been through palliative care at home, during my dad’s cancer, and I think you’ve done the right thing. You’ll get quality time with your wife and not be continually exhausted by the work and lack of sleep, keeping track of meds, and the constant anxiety of not knowing what to do. I was broken afterwards.

Cancer is brutal, as you say. Hopelessness in slow motion. You’re a good father and a good husband, so take time to remind yourself of that.

If I can suggest anything, it’s to take photographs with you when you visit. Those are my best memories of my dad’s last few weeks – we looked at pictures of the people, places and pets he loved. He smiled a lot at that.

So so sorry to hear this, no words other than come in here to vent if you need to

I am so sorry to hear that. Your wife is in great hands, and you have done all you can. I hope you can find peace in the time you have.

Enjoy your time together, and I think that if there is anything you or your son need, please make sure you reach out on here, there will be somebody who can no doubt help, not religious in the slightest, but you’re in our thoughts.

This is so hard. I can only echo what others have said.  Pictures is a good one – Julie and I sat thru a few slideshows of our adventures in her last week

Remember I have both professional and personal experience of this. I am here if I can help

fgk, I dont know what t to say.

I hope you enjoy some precious moments together at this incredibly difficult time.

My wife passed away on Saturday morning.

She fought bravely and with determination for the 7 weeks she was in the care home. Her deterioration felt both too quick and agonisingly slow at the same time.

Although we have known this moment was coming for more than 18 months nothing can prepare you for it. So sad.

So sorry to hear that, please reach out for help if you need it

I am so sorry. I’m welling up at my computer having been lurking on this thread throughout.

I’m so sorry fgk.

virtual hugs fgk. take all you need dude.

I hope you and the lad come through this ok, look after each other.

horrible situation.

So very sad. Hugs and supportive vibes to you fgk.

****, I’ve been dreading this update.

I’m so sorry for your loss @fgk, take acre of yourself and your son.

So very sorry for your loss mate. Look after yourself and your lad. Thoughts are with you both.

My condolences and a huge man hug for your loss. Make sure you can get some time for you from your friends and family. Your son will need his dad to have a chance to bend in the current storm rather than break apart.

All the very best.

Every condolence to you from a stranger and relative newcomer to the forum like myself. It’s been heartbreaking to read through this thread and I cannot begin to imagine the scale of emotion you’ve been feeling over the past couple of years. I am sure that you and your son can find the strength to support each other through this next period alongside other family members and friends. I’m very sorry to hear this.

So sorry to read this, I’ve been following since your first post. I can’t begin to imagine your sorrow, sincere condolences.

Thoughts with you mate.

Balls, **** cancer.

The day before I went away 2 weeks back I heard about an old school friend, the year below me, who recently went with bowel cancer, it’s so hard to process that people younger than you are no longer around.

Fgk, please rant on here more if you need to, some people (not me usually) are incredibly helpful at times like this.

What words can we say?

I’m so desperately sorry for you and your lad. There must be a huge casm in your world at the moment. I hope you can both rebuild your lives and only remember the good times over the years to come.

We are all here for you mate.

Absolutely gutted for you. A brain tumour took my amazing dad in a similar fashion.

My thoughts are with you and your son.

So very sorry for your loss. Life is cruel and unfair at times. Take each day as it comes – nobody expects anymore from you right now.

So very sorry to hear this. Please accept my deepest sympathies for your loss.

I’m so sorry. My condolences to you, your boy and the rest of the family.

Thoughts are with you mate.

I’m so very sorry.

there are no words. Take care and share anything you like on here.

Massive hugs.

bunnyhop x

Very sorry to hear your news, please keep venting on here. Your updates read like a “best practice for spouse and parent”, keep trusting yourself and looking after you and jr.

Hugs

That is truly tragic fgk, and it has been such a very long and horrendously challenging time for you and your son. I hope that you can pick up the pieces and focus more on yourselves now.

Words have failed me, I can’t begin  to imagine how you feel. My condolences to you and your family. I hope that one day the future is brighter.

So sorry to hear this.  I can’t imagine how you both must feel.

This will probably be my last post on this thread.

We said goodbye to my wife, my son’s mother over 2 weeks ago now. It was a nice send off. So many people were there. She touched a lot of people’s lives. Standing room only in the crematorium. She was a teacher at the same infant / primary school all her life. All 5 headteachers she had worked with (3 now retired) attended as did many of her ex pupils who are now adults.

Before the service started there were a few seats left at the front, I guess people were reluctant to sit there. The celebrant beckoned people down and some of my son’s friends ended up sat at the front one next to me. I think she would have liked that.

Our son was brilliant on the day. I was very proud of him at the funeral and the celebration afterwards.

I’ve not returned to work yet. I went in to see them not long after the funeral. Became very emotional and realised I wasn’t ready. My employers, as ever, have been extremely understanding and have told me to take as long as I need.

I think there are two views on this. A lot of people telling me not to rush back, a lot of people asking when I’m going to start work. My counsellor suggested those that ask need some kind of assurance I’m “OK” and a return to work would confirm that.

Nothing has prepared me for the grief I have been experiencing since the funeral. I thought I’d had over 18 months to prepare. Apparently not. It feels very sad. Very final.

I want to get on with my plan to move into the closest town. There’s a lot of work involved. My wife was a hoarder. A lot of tidying / sorting needs to be done before I can get this place in a state where it would be marketed.

I’ve pressed the button on a new bike. I’ve bought a frame / forks and going to build it myself. It will be a nice project for myself and FGK Jr. It’s turned into a bit of a dream build (maybe you’ll work out who my other username is).

Thanks anyone who read / commented on this thread or messaged me directly over the last 20 months.

I’ve not returned to work yet. I went in to see them not long after the funeral. Became very emotional and realised I wasn’t ready. My employers, as ever, have been extremely understanding and have told me to take as long as I need.

I think there are two views on this. A lot of people telling me not to rush back, a lot of people asking when I’m going to start work. My counsellor suggested those that ask need some kind of assurance I’m “OK” and a return to work would confirm that.

There is no right or wrong answer to this.  I certainly could not have gone back to work for many months tho fortunately I was retired.  There is only what you feel is right for you.   YOu will know when you are ready.  I know folk that went back to work quickly, I know others that took a long time

Nothing has prepared me for the grief I have been experiencing since the funeral. I thought I’d had over 18 months to prepare. Apparently not. It feels very sad. Very final.

I was the same.  My guess is that you have been so busy doing stuff and looking after your son that there was no time to grieve or even really prepare yourself.  I thought I would be OK.  I wasn’t.  Looking back now almost 3 years on its astonishing how poorly I was functioning for many many months.
Watch out for “two steps forward, one back”  What I found was my brain had very much shut down to protect itself.  As I started to function and feel better as the months passed my brain opening up allowed the black to creep in.

Keep getting help with your head.  Its been great for me  Try to get outside and see your friends.

Nice one on the bike – I did the same.  Its a nice thing to hang memories on and its nice to have something nice in your life

Nothing has prepared me for the grief I have been experiencing since the funeral. I thought I’d had over 18 months to prepare.

I can’t imagine that it is ever possible to prepare for something like that. But what is clear from your posts of the last 20 months is that you did everything possible for both your wife and your son. Your final goodbye, with five headmistresses (!) and your son’s friends next to him, sounds like a wonderfully caring occasion.

Best wishes with the undoubtedly difficult road ahead, and the new bike project!

I’ve pressed the button on a new bike. I’ve bought a frame / forks and going to build it myself. It will be a nice project for myself and FGK Jr. It’s turned into a bit of a dream build (maybe you’ll work out who my other username is).

I hope the bike build turns out to be a metaphor for rebuilding your and your sons lifes. You’ve both shown humbling levels of strength, love and care at the most stressful time.

I hope you both enjoy the build and have a wonderful Summer and beyond.

But what is clear from your posts of the last 20 months is that you did everything possible for both your wife and your son. Your final goodbye, with five headmistresses (!) and your son’s friends next to him, sounds like a wonderfully caring occasion.

Indeed.  You should be proud.

4.5 months since we lost Mrs FGK.

I won’t lie things have been brutally tough.

My support network is diminishing. My wife’s mother passed away a few weeks back. She had a terminal cancer that treatment had managed for the last 4 or so years. But her deterioration at the end was rapid and caught us all by surprise.

Similarly my wife’s father who had what we believed treatable cancer has caught up with him. He is currently in hospital, heavily sedated, all active treatment stopped receiving end of life care.

These were the people that gave me a bit of time out and looked after my son and dog when needed. My son is now 13, struggling with the additional grief, especially his grandfather. They were very close.

To add to this entire shitstorm there are concerns over my mother. She has become EXTREMELY forgetful. I noticed it a long time ago but guess I had other shit to worry about and probably buried my head in the sand about it.

My work have been brilliant. 100% flexible about a return to part time work. With a pattern of WFH /  in office completely as I choose. I go into the office most days just for some face to face adult conversation.

But today they announced they are having to make some redundancies due to poor forecasts. All tech / engineering staff including myself are now at risk. I’ve been with the company a long time and been through this process a number of times. They never do the process correctly. I think I’ll keep schtum and watch them mess it up again and see if I end up redundant at the end of the process.

I really don’t want to look for a new job. The location and flexibility are what I need right now. I’m enjoying the work / project I am working on.

But at the end of the day if I am cut loose I’ll use the mistakes they made during the process as a start for payoff / “redundancy” negotiations.

I finished the bike build. I’ve ridden the bike when I can. Myself and my son had a nice few days in South Wales including BPW.

This feels like the year that just ‘keeps on giving’. I’m having moments when I’m not sure how much more energy I’ve got. It always passes and I just have to keep on going.

That’s a mountain of things to cope with all at the same time fgk

As you know time is what heals a broken heart and at 4.5 months you are likely to be about a quarter of the way along that journey. You can speed things up significantly by moving on with your life and not putting it on hold.

The bike build is a great way to do that but include other things which will make your day-to-day life different – a new hobby or something as simple as rearranging the furniture/decorating

It’s great that you have had some quality time with your son, positive stuff like that is so important for the both of you. Sorry to hear about your mum but good luck with dealing with all the crap that life has thrown at you recently!