Tell us a stupid, short joke….

The dafter the better.

how many cats does it take to paint a wall?

…depends how hard you throw them

Whos Santas favorite elf ?

Elfis

a doctor eats an apple, thus creating a paradox

I farted in a lift the other day. It was wrong on many levels.

Q. what's got a 100 balls and f*cks rabits
A. a shotgun

Q. What's invisible and smells of bananas?
A. monkey fart

Q.How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Marry one and have children.

2 Parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'?

according to research only one in seven dwarfs is happy

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Did you hear about the Dyslexic devil worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the man with a limp and a lisp?
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He walked round in Thircles!!!

Agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? Used to lie awake at night, wondering if there was a dog.

What's soft and slippery?
A slipper.

My friend told me to buy Rage Against the Machine's "Killing In The Name" in protest against the X-Factor always getting the Christmas No. 1.

I said "**** you, I won't do what you tell me."

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."

Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby.

Especially if you’re in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.

Dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Knock knock

Dyslexic alcoholic, choked on his own vimto.

Did you hear about the claivoyant dwarf that recently escaped from prison? Local press are reporting a small, medium at large.

A seal, walks into a club

What's brown & rhymes with Snoop?

…Dr Dre

A man walks into a bar…

…Clang

Why did the Pie cross the road?

..It was meat in potatoes

hear the one about a red-indian chief who drank 50 gallons of tea?
He was found dead in the morning, drowned in his tee-pee

I love blind dates. You can stare at their t!ts all night!

What Dickens character likes boobies?

David Coppafeel

Hahahah…haha..ha..h…. ..

two fish in a tank. do you know how to drive this thing?

what sort of bees can you get milk from?

Boo-bees

Two peas in a pod, which one was married?
Neither, they are both bachelors!

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

He kneaded a poo.

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Two Elephants walk off a cliff

…boom boom!

How do you get two whales in a mini?

Across the Severn bridge!

Man walks into a shop: I'd like to buy a wasp please.
Shop owner: I don't sell wasps.
Man: You've got one in the window.

A trans-sexuals best christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

whats E.T short for?
its cause he had little legs….

whats the difference between a fetish and a perversion?
with a fetish you use a feather, with a perversion you use the entire duck.

Real Madrid 2, Surreal Madrid fish.

Was in town today and someone pressed the Pelican button…

Oooh it made me cross.

What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?
Iglue

Did you hear about the magic Tractor?
It turned into a field.

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because he had a canoe thrown at his head

What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a cat

Why don't you see elephants hiding in the trees?

Because they're good at it.

What's the best ceese for disguising a horse?

Marscapone

someone asked me the other day; 'what's your pet hate?'. I said "it doesn't like things shoved up it's arse".

Masochist : Hurt me.
Sadist : No.

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

I was offered 8 venison legs today, but turned them down as they were too dear.