Suicidal wife – wtf do I do?

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  • Suicidal wife – wtf do I do?
  • Premier Icon dannybgoode
    Subscriber

    So I knew Mrs Danny was depressed and she has been on fluoxetine and I’ve been convinced for a while its not been helping much but she has been trying to convince me otherwise.  Thing is I also suffer from depression so I was pretty confident she was trying to kid herself as much as me.

    However only today I have found how bad things are and I am a little bit stuck as to what I can usefully do.  Called her this afternoon and she was a) very drunk and b) told me she was seriously considering ending it all.  I managed to calm her down a bit and luckily I have an understanding boss so got straight home and having talked it through with her this isn’t some drunken exaggeration – she has planned and even visited the where, has decided how and whilst at the moment our little boy is what is preventing her with going through with it she has even started talking herself round that he’ll be ok without her.

    So – as per the thread title wtf can I usefully do.  She has agreed to go to the doctors tomorrow and that I can go with her to make sure she actually tells them everything and it goes without saying I am there for her.  I’ve also told her sister and her best friend so they know exactly where things are but are there any other sources of help I can go to and anything I should (or indeed shouldn’t) say to the doctors etc?

    Not a situation I’ve been in before so I am mildly panicking at the moment…

    bikebouy
    Member

    Shit.

    No answer nor help, just shit man.

    vickypea
    Member

    can you get someone to babysit your little boy so you can take her to A&E? Or maybe get her to ring the Samaritans? I’ve been there myself a few times, most recently last December and Mr Pea took me to A&E (who were really good).

    hope she feels better soon

    Premier Icon genesiscore502011
    Subscriber

    The Dr is the first step and that is happening. Best wishes and thoughts to you both.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Not an easy position, I can sympathise.  Got the tee-shirt, etc.

    She has agreed to go to the doctors tomorrow

    Probably the best advice I could give.  There are many, many medications and different ones work better for different people.  it’s a case of trying different things to see what works for her.  Duloxetine turned out to be the magic bullet the last time I was dealing with this.

    There are other non-medical things too, counselling and CBT and the like, hopefully the GP will be able to advise / refer.

    she has planned and even visited the where, has decided how

    I wouldn’t necessarily read too much into this.  It could be a coping / distraction mechanism, kinda like window-shopping.  Not saying you should ignore it as a sign though, either.

    whilst at the moment our little boy is what is preventing her with going through with it she has even started talking herself round that he’ll be ok without her.

    I’d be reinforcing this angle, a lot.  Whilst it’s shit if that’s the only reason she wants to carry on, one reason is better than none.

    Good luck to you all.

    legend
    Member

    If things get worse before getting to the doctors then sectioning would at least keep her safe

    Samaritans? They have the experience of dealing with people in this situation that you might not find here.

    Get some help for her.

    Houns
    Member

    As per vickypea, A+E now.

    Premier Icon dannybgoode
    Subscriber

    can you get someone to babysit your little boy so you can take her to A&E?

    She’s asleep now so nothing immediately to do but if the doctors are no good that’s what I’ll be doing (actually I think they’ll be on it – they’re pretty good with stuff like this at our surgery).

    vickypea
    Member

    Someone who has made plans is at high risk, although the fact that thinking of your son has been stopping her so far is a good sign.

    cornholio98
    Member

    Doctor, then specialists and sectioning if it is really looking likely. I have seen what the alternative does to people…

    dont forget to also look after yourself. Talk to people (Samaritans or anyone), and don’t forget to eat/feed the kids..

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    dont forget to also look after yourself.

    Yes!  That’s a very, very good point.  It seems like the most selfish thing in the world to do, but if you fall over then you’re no damn use to anyone else.

    Premier Icon SaxonRider
    Subscriber

    I can only say that the advice given so far is good. I would definitely take her in to A&E after the GP’s tomorrow, if there is even a hint that the latter visit was ineffective, or simply didn’t help enough.

    If she feels desperate enough, there is a danger that she could do something sudden, so stay alert to her movements, and don’t trust eerily placatory tones.

    Call Samaritans any time, or use A&E if you don’t know what else to do.

    Sincere best wishes to both of you.

    Coming at it from a different tack, and not wanting to alarm or seem callous or anything of the sort, but keep an eye on a sudden uptick in mood. There is some anecdotal evidence that this tends to be when folk attempt suicide, not when at absolute rock bottom. My dissertation was on statistical analysis of suicide cases, and although it was a long time ago I remember the literature review part of it seemed to show a lot of links between “better” states of mind and the act of suicide, at least in non-violent cases (i.e. overdose, CO asphyxiation, etc.) Whether it was “coming to terms with the decision” that caused the improvement in mood, or that when in the depths of utter despair there is the desire but not the willpower to go through with it but the willpower came as the depression lifted, I can’t remember if there was a definite conclusion.

    Best of luck dealing with this OP. I can’t imagine the stress and worry you must be going through.

    Premier Icon psling
    Subscriber

    Sectioning has been mentioned and is probably a consideration to protect her from herself but… please discuss the implications yourself privately with the doctor of her being put in a position where she is separated from your daughter which could lead her to consider your daughter being no longer dependent on her.

    Good luck.

    timizere
    Member

    Sorry to hear that, sounds awful. Having been sectioned myself for something similar, I can safely say that getting professional help was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was far more effective than medication, but everyone is different. On the positive side, waiting lists for mental health counselling are shorter than they once were, so a little more long term that’s worth a try too.

    Good luck!

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    You are doing the right things most definitely.  Two things to mention.

    1. If prescribed medication – the first few weeks are the toughest.  Would you be able to get some time off from sympathetic boss?

    2. Look after yourself too.  You can’t be there for someone else unless you do.

    Happy to talk if you need – feel free to PM me.

    Jay.

    neilwheel
    Member

    You could check if there is a mental health crisis team in your area and get a referral from the GP.

    There is also a link on this page with a postcode search function.

    https://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/mental-health-services-explained/Pages/mental-health-emergencies.aspx

    Premier Icon dannybgoode
    Subscriber

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: ‘Open Sans’; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 22.4px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>Sectioning has been mentioned and is probably a consideration to protect her from herself but… please discuss the implications</span>

    I am from a family of medics – including a consultant pysch (unfortunately in Oz so not a great deal they can do) so luckily I am well clued up on stuff like this.

    Excellent advice though for those who aren’t – there are some potentially very severe implications.  I am happy to go that route if it is decided that it is the right thing to do but yes, always look into it first.

    Thanks everyone else as well.  At least she has told me (and she initially told her sister and BFF also but not in detail) so I take that as a positive as well.  Don’t worry – I’ll be keeping a very close eye on her…

    chopchop
    Member

    Horrible position to find yourself in but sounds as if you have the right plans in place. Only wait to see the GP if you are very sure she presents no risk to herself tonight. But if she does then get her to A&E for assessment, if she won’t go willingly use the Police.

    hopefully you’lll get her to the GP as planned and they will refer to a MH crisis team who will assess and will admit to inpatient services if appropriate. Telling him what you’ve written here should ensure they do this.

    All the best, try and take some relief in that she has opened up before attempting anything.

    gordimhor
    Member

    I recently sat through the night with a friend who had attempted suicide earlier that day. It was one of the toughest nights of my life. Maybe there’s a close friend who can come to yours tonight just to be there or to look after the wee one. All the best to you and all your family .

    doordonot
    Member

    You mention that she was very drunk. Might be worth hiding any remaining alcohol if it is in her possession/easily accessible to her. You probably don’t want her reaching for the bottle as soon as she wakes up.

    Premier Icon eddiebaby
    Subscriber

    Sorry to hear that mate.

    there seems to be a lot of good advice up there. Better than anything I can offer.

    Premier Icon funkmasterp
    Subscriber

    Nothing to add as you’ve already received some great advice. My thoughts are with your family and if you need to vent let me know and I’ll give you my phone number. I’ve been where your wife is now and wish you, her and your child the best. Look after yourself.

    It’s great that she’s told you to be honest, and that usually means she’s asking for help.

    Just be with her, and get down the docs tomorrow.

    I’ve experienced suicide myself recently and wish my brother had reached out to one of us before doing it. If there’s anything I can do to help, do me a message

    Premier Icon TomB
    Subscriber

    I work in a and e, and while it is a way of accessing MH services in a crisis, I would hesitate to say it is the ideal route. We are good at dealing with the medical aftermath of deliberate self harm- pills/wounds etc, but then refer to psychiatric services to do the MH assessment. The links between a&e and MH services is better in some areas than others, but the psychiatric team are the specialists in this area and can be accessed without the inevitable delays that going through a+e will bring, for example through your GP or by self referral to the crisis team, depending on the services in your area.

    By all means use A+E if you need to, but I would be going to the GP unless things develop in the meantime.

    I wish you and your family all the best, and hope you find the help you need.

    raybanwomble
    Member

    However only today I have found how bad things are and I am a little bit stuck as to what I can usefully do.  Called her this afternoon and she was a) very drunk and b) told me she was seriously considering ending it all.  I managed to calm her down a bit and luckily I have an understanding boss so got straight home and having talked it through with her this isn’t some drunken exaggeration – she has planned and even visited the where, has decided how and whilst at the moment our little boy is what is preventing her with going through with it she has even started talking herself round that he’ll be ok without her.

    Fluxotine turned a family members mild depression and anxiety into something much more serious, especially when booze got involved, after doctors got said person off them – it resolved – luckily the family member has a very strong logical side and didn’t listen to the emotions kicking in. Doctors, take holiday or compassionate leave, don’t leave her side until the Psychiatrists have figured out what it is going on – it could very well be the meds talking.

    Hang in there matey, listen to your wife, don’t try to always tell her how she should feel or fix things. But do whatever you can to be nearby and there for her when she needs it, get her or your mum/brother/sister involved if she allows it.

    Remove all medication from her – make sure prescribed dosing is stuck to and overdoses cannot happen, remove anything from the house that could be used to hang herself – belts, stockings, rope, string, wire, spare bed sheets etc – remove all sharp knives/instruments and all bags, keep all keys for the front and rear door on you or set the burglar alarms on downstairs – until she has been assessed at least – either go to A&E tonight or keep one eye open whilst you sleep. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ll miss things – just try to make it more difficult to carry out the deed.

    Do not be confrontational, do not shout, remove the above on the down low if you have to.

    Premier Icon billyboy
    Subscriber

    Luckily time does dull things. I’m 26 odd years down the line from a similar experience where my wife did attempt suicide. That was followed by all sorts of hideous dramas over several bloody awful years which I won’t bore you with.

    The first priority has to be the children. Then I agree totally with a previous post – make sure you are ok. I didn’t always obey that second rule. Trust me, you need to pay heed to it.

    Good luck to both of you.

    Inbred456
    Member

    You will need some support from friends and family. Keep them in the loop so they can help with the kids etc. Good luck mate.

    Premier Icon survivor
    Subscriber

    This is what your local crisis team is for. They can visit and assess your wife’s condition and decide if she needs more urgent help.

    It doesn’t have to be a section in hospital. If she needs the help she could go voluntarily if they advise it and it’s not the end of the world. Far from it. Could be the begining of recovery.

    My story:

    Several times I begged my family not to call them over the years. Silly mistake. Finally admitted defeat, voluntarily spent sometime in an open psychiatric ward, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done! Finally I got the help i needed both during and after my stay.

    Good luck to you both

    Premier Icon Capt. Kronos
    Subscriber

    I honestly can’t help much, I just wanted to lend a bit of support.

    I am going through something like this myself at the moment, except it is me that is the problem.   Life has taken so much of late and given so little back – I don’t know the root cause of your wife’s situation obviously… and I know I leave making any sign that things are bad until it is almost too late… but just letting her know people are thinking about her and all your family, that she isn’t alone and that a lot of people give a damn may help.  I have had so many messages of support the last week or two, and to be honest none of them know that I lined up the codine, cocodamol and nanoxoprene a few times over the last winter (I have enough to fell an army stashed away) and went at myself with a knife at one stage just to feel *something*.  The fact people care has made me reassess.

    Good luck – I hope everyone comes out the other side of this.

    demelitia
    Member

    I’ve dealt with/have had to deal with similar with family recently. Called 111, at the very least you’ll get some info on the services local to you.

    Even given our local areas woeful infrastructure I was pointed in the direction of two walk in centres. They can do as little as being somewhere different for you to go, talk, calm down or they have staff on hand for impromptu councilling. One is open during the day and another open later on in to the night. Find out if you have these things available to you. Easier said than done but try have a plan on getting her to go to one any time you feel it’s even slightly warranted.

    There are a couple of online help sites. You sign up for one and go through the programme at your own pace. I think it’s available as an app. Silvercloud. You might need a referral or login details providing by your GP. Mention it to them tomorrow, I think there’s a short wait so it’s best to get the ball rolling.

    Going forward, whenever you can be sure she’s being kept an eye on by someone, get some rest. It can wear you down if you let it: Don’t.

    Take heart in the fact that she has opened up to you. Know that you don’t need go it alone.

    Premier Icon lowey
    Subscriber

    Accident and EMERGENCY.

    This is an Emergency. She has made plans and has explored all the ramifications.

    Had to do the same with my daughter a few years back. I am to this day convinced that taking her that night saved her life.

    Edukator
    Member

    Onthe basis of what you’ve told us in the past alcohol is the root of the problem. AA seem the people most likely to help.

    Premier Icon scaredypants
    Subscriber

    Nothing to add in terms of advice but wishing the very best to you all in getting through this

    Premier Icon andybrad
    Subscriber

    I ws in a similar situation with myself last year and ended up with flourexetine. One of the side effects of the drug can be severe suicidal thoughts and you need someone to keep an eye on you while you get through the first few weeks. Ive found it to be a lifesaver if im honest, others may have different experience.

    Shes told you whats happening. This is good. But you need to get her to a docs for a proper chat asap. Theres an emergency number for your local, where are you? I think this is calderdales
    <ul class=”contactitem”>
    <li class=”column2″>01422 262358 or 01422 262359

    Hang in there. Just be supportive. Im not sure what else to suggest.

    5plusn8
    Member

    Some great people on here. I won’t attempt to add to the excellent advice other than my own experience.

    1) I had some (relatively minor now they are out in the open) skeletons in my cupboard that terrified me, filled em with regret and drove part of my depression, my wife guessed this and told me whatever I had done she loved and forgave me (no matter what) and she knew others would too. This gave me the bravery to face those mistakes and put them right, which helped me.
    So I think you have to let her know that no matter what happens what she does you always love her and always forgive her – and you have to mean it which means facing your own fears..

    2) Try and keep someone with her and juniorbgoode at all times, remembering that listening to her is the most important thing.

    3) Get your own support too.

    philjunior
    Member

    That sounds like a tricky one. I’ve encountered mental health problems for a good part of my life, I think all you can do is talk and more importantly listen to her.

    My mum’s suffered from depression for a long, long time (I was first aware of it around the age of 10, 36 now). Whilst she believes it’s simply an illness, I talked to her about things last time she visited, and there were certainly many things that would be upsetting and stressful going on when it started. It could be a combination of the two, but in her case a wide range of treatments including antidepressants have only been partially effective.

    I would say for yourself and her do what you can to reduce your stress levels as well as whatever other treatments might be on offer. Go for walks/bike rides/whatever together. Take time off work when you need to. Talk and get some time together, babysitters aren’t that pricey. Make sure you look after yourself too, give yourself and her time to see friends (and make yourself do it!) and do your own thing – easier said than done with the pressures of a young family, but it’s more important than a new car or big house or whatever else, so work less if you need to.

    My other experience was an ex – I had to physically restrain her at times to stop her doing things she would’ve regretted, and called 999 when I was in a different city and she phoned thinking of ending it all (after we’d split up). She doesn’t like me but as far as I know she’s still alive.

    Premier Icon martinhutch
    Subscriber

    One of the side effects of the drug can be severe suicidal thoughts and you need someone to keep an eye on you while you get through the first few weeks. Ive found it to be a lifesaver if im honest, others may have different experience.

    This was my first thought as well, especially if she hasn’t been on them long.

    Hopefully you’re getting good help from GP by now, best of luck.

    Premier Icon tuskaloosa
    Subscriber

    So sorry to hear Danny.

    Some very good advice as usual. Wrt sectioning I’d echo what psling said above about being separated from your son.

    Sincere wishes to all of you

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