I was a sperm donor in the 1990’s when donors were anonymous – yes it was cash in hand 😉

Since the change in the law in 2005 donors have been able to remove their anonymity from the Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority database enabling any children conceived who wish to find out more about the donor, or contact the donor, to do so.

I have often wondered what became of the donations I assiduously made (with a little inspiration from a copy of Mayfair or Penthouse), and inspired by seeing an emotional story about a young woman’s unsuccessful quest to find her natural ‘father’, I have started investigating removing my anonymity and have taken the first step, and found out that 12 people were conceived as a result of my donations.

The next stage is to remove my anonymity from the HFEA database which could result in being contacted by any of the 12 people should they wish to do so. This obviously has a large number of possible implications ranging from very positive to all involved (donor, conceived individual and their family members) to potentially creating complex practical and emotional problems for any of those involved.

Has any STW’er experience as a donor who has either removed their anonymity, was conceived by sperm donation, or is a family member of someone who was conceived by this method, and in particular anyone who has been contacted by the person conceived, or is donor-conceived and has contacted the donor?

One the one hand (forgive the pun) I am quite excited by the prospect of meeting someone conceived by my sperm (and hopefully helping them achieve their quest to find out about their biological background) and on the other hand am terrified by potentially opening a can of worms that I wouldn’t be able to put the lid back on!

 opening a can of worms that I wouldn’t be able to put the lid back on!

forgive the pun

I came very close (ahem) to doing this a few years ago, but in the end was glad I didn’t, as the anonymity angle did seem ambiguous.

It’s a brave move.

I admire your spunk.

Well if anything arises from this, you had it coming.  It’d be a stroke of luck if one of the kids has made it big, but you’ll probabbly find they’re just a bunch of little squirts.

I am have 3 children, I can’t imagine how it would feel to be a disappointment to 4 times that many.

How would you or your family cope if one of the people turned out to be emotionally unstable, and began to demand to be part of you family; entitled to inheritance; or one of your kidneys in an emergency … because your the biological father.

Lets be honest. If they are successful they will not attribute that to you one bit. So aside from them just wanting to meet you to see if there are any hereditary problems they can expect in the future …such as dementia, or baldness. Then they wont really giving you much more credit than masturbating into a cup for beer money.

Hi, so I’m going through this with my Mrs, albeit almost the opposite way around. She is adopted and recently has had contact from the local authority she was adopted through that her birth mother wants to get in contact. I didn’t see this as particularly surprising, but it’s hit my other half very hard, and she is unsure on where to take it. Whilst your situation is very different as you were essentially just provided the crew for the vessel to sail, you may find expectations from your offspring vary from disinterested to wanting a proper father figure. You also don’t know the backgrounds etc.

I suppose my advice would be, tread with extreme caution and certainly don’t do it on a whim. These kids would likely have been wondering who their father is all their lives, so will look at this potentially a very different way to you. The difference to our case and yours is you are simply offering the opportunity for the them to reach out, rather than doing it yourself. However, by making your self visible to them, this could mean a massive commitment from your side that you weren’t expecting.

I would not do this.
Stay anonomous. Just what in reality do you think will happen.
Put yourselves in thier shoes and imagine finding out your dad is actuyally a bit of a “tommy-tanker”
Will they then demand something, material/emotional from you.
Will they not give a damm.
What if they turn out to be complete wasters.

How will you feel about it. I feel your curiosity is tainted with unrealistic expectations.
When you came up with the sperm, what was your motivation.

imagine finding out your dad

Is he their “dad” though? I think there’s a hell of a lot more to being a father than just having your spilt jiz injected into someone from a tube. I personally can’t understand why the anonymity law was changed.

You did a good thing in being a sperm donner, you have facilitated couple(s) to have kids who wouldn’t otherwise have been able. However becoming known and contactable to the now 20+ yr old’s? I can see why you’d be curious to know, but I cannot see any positive outcomes out of being contactable.

There was a good article in the Grauniad a few months ago about a Dutch (I think) guy who had cheated their system and fathered ~200 children, some of whom made contact. It was mostly positive for him IIRC.

If it was me I think I’d want to meet them/give them the opportunity.

Being childless I’ve wondered about it, but I’m too old now.

Also, if they have a real dad, and don’t know they’re from donated sperm.. what good would any contact possibly do?

Would you be liable for maintenance for any of these 12 kids? Not sure how that works.

Far more likely to end badly than well.

Leave well alone.

So if you change it to no longer being anonymous, does that just mean you become available for contact?
So if someone want’s to find you they can. They won’t be contacted, it’s more about giving them the option. Nobody will suddenly find out that they are the product of sperm donation.

I think removing your anonymity would be a big but very courageous step. If I was knowingly the child of donated sperm – I would want to be get in touch with the donor.

Thanks for your replies (and the puns!). There are certainly some points raised which have been useful food for thought.

To correct a couple of misinterpretations, if I remove my anonymity any of the conceived children who contact the HFEA will be given my details – I will not be able to initiate contact with them and also they will only be provided with my details if they contact the HFEA rather than the HFEA contacting all those conceived. Hopefully this would mean that only those who are really interested in finding out their biological background will pursue this. There is also an intermediate option where you can provide more detailed information about yourself – background, personal details etc – without offering the full contact option.

As I don’t have any children of my own, I am not going to cause an issue within my own family. Within my own family I found out when I was around 40 that I had a half-sister by my father from an earlier marriage and I took the decision not to try and find out more about her or contact her.

Wasn’t there some clause or legal loophole a while back which meant mothers / kids could come after donors for child support, or some such? Is that still an issue, or have I imagined it even?

Philby

Member

As I don’t have any children of my own,

And to put it bluntly – you still do not.

It seems as if you have reached that later stage in life: Generativity vs. Stagnation. Where a person experiences a need to create or nurture things that will outlast them.

As others have cautioned. It seems that your needs are the driving factor here, and it will very likely end in disappointment.

Philby

Member

As I don’t have any children of my own,

And to put it bluntly – you still do not.

That is literally what he said.

I can’t see that removing your anonymity can harm any of the offspring concerned.

Those that are not interested in finding anything out, or aren’t aware, won’t even know you have done it.

Those that feel the need to contact you (for whatever reason) will now have the option to do so, if they choose to, rather than a closed door.

Quite. He didn’t need it clarifying for him.

I wouldn’t, chances are at least 1 of those 12 will be a nightmare to deal with :p I might be tempted if there were a system where you’d be notified if someone did try to discover your ID and then you could choose to release your details to that person or not.

about a Dutch (I think) guy who had cheated their system and fathered ~200 children,

Cripes. Were any of them in the UK? Imagine the nightmare of growing up as a kid not being able to speak English like all your mates…

Worrying

“loophole a while back which meant mothers / kids could come after donors for child support”

Donors who use the formal system and stick to the letter of the rules at a licensed clinic are not liable.

The recent case was a mother who conceived by fraud without the father’s consent. The clinic was held not liable (and, by implication the father liable). The court ruled that children were a benefit not a liability (even if they are a multi thousand pounds liability.)

Court of appeal’s reasoning below, which is much more nuanced than my precis:

http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/format.cgi?doc=/ew/cases/EWCA/Civ/2018/2803.html