My pal runs a theatre group at the local psychiatric hospital…They’ve just been invited up to the Edinburgh festival to “put on some wee skits”.

I thought that a bike ride over the moors would alleviate my spiralling nervousness…While I didnt contract Lyme disease, I did return home with more than a few tics.

My mate with a stutter was telling me about his Nana.

By the end of it we were all singing Hey Jude.

Q. Does anyone want a Light Fandango?

A. No thanks, I’ll skip it.

I ate a clock yesterday. Took ages. Really time-consuming. Mind you it didn’t help that I went back for seconds

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust

Had a dream last night I was Rene Magritte. It was so just not a pipe dream.

Frank Spencer likes to go to bike park Wales, but some others do afan

Hedgehogs, why can’t they share?

My wife can’t stand me since the chainsaw accident. She’s lacktoes intolerant.

Life in a bungalow has one major flaw.

Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so he could watch TV.

Just been on the holiday if a life time – never again!

When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…

…I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french

Asked my mum what she’d like for her birthday.
“I wanna Dyson.” She said excitedly.
So that night I smothered her face with a pillow

I met a dyslexic Yorkshireman yesterday. He was wearing a cat flap.

I’m going to sell my theremin. To be honest I haven’t touched it in years.

Dyson, probably the world’s best known brand of hoover.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.

My old Grandad always used to say “when one door closes, another one opens”

He was a wise man but a lousy cabinet maker.

You hear about the queer milkman? He wouldn’t leave an empty behind.

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You hear about the queer milkman? He wouldn’t leave an empty behind

Wow…have we gone back to the 70s?

I came home early from work yesterday and found the wife climbing out of the wardrobe.
“What are you doing in there ?” I asked
“It’s Narnia business”

You hear about the queer milkman? He wouldn’t leave an empty behind.

Now do one about the asian family next door.

Wow…have we gone back to the 70s?

Now do one about the asian family next door.

But the ones about Yorkshire men & dyslexics are fine yes?

The bloke in the sushi restaurant, when asking if I wanted any relish, said wasabi?

It’s a bit like a wasp, I replied.

My dog lasted for 120 minutes before it died…it was a two-hour.

I went to the Chinese restaurant and asked to see the specials menu. I ended up ordering too much foo Young.

Did you hear about the guy from Yorkshire who was complaining about the noise made by electric bikes? E Bike Hum.

Do you know why STW wouldn’t tell the public about the shittest area on the website? That’s classified.

Etc

But the ones about Yorkshire men & dyslexics are fine yes?

Yorkshire ones are fine by me and I’m a Yorkshire man

Two parrots standing on a perch …. one says to the other “can you smell fish?”

I went into the butcher’s and said “Can I have a mince round please”

He said “yeah, on ye go, but don’t knock anything over”

Two fish in a tank
One says to the other “ can you drive this thing?”

I went to the butchers and said “can I have a pound of sausages?”

He said “Its Kilo’s these days”

OK I said “can I have a pound of Kilos then?”

Now do one about the asian family next door.

How do you know that I live next door to Asians?

I dug out my 20th anniversary edition of the stone roses debut release.

I still think the album cover is
a load of pollocks.

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever did it I hope they’re happy