The Wagtail who’s either trying to woo or repel his own refection our car and van wing mirrors. Its not the fluttering or the chirping its the prodigious shitting. Each wing mirror now looks like a miniature version of Rockall.

Luggage carousel idiots with trolleys in airports.

Passengers who are not in rows 1-12 who insist on surrounding the check in desk. You are not playing musical chairs , believe it or not there are enough seats for everyone , tiny , tiny seats mind.
People who accerelerate towards red traffic lights.

Idiots in Y reg Zafiras who are concentrating more on their phone than on the road . I can see your eyes are looking down more than forward.

Girls of that age who talk/shout into their mobile phones held 6″ in front of their face . You are not on an X factor journey.

Crisp eaters in supermarkets . Unnecessary. Its never anything remotely healthy…..which leads me on to ..

Obese 24st people in grey tracksuits in Tesco with trolleys packed full of crisps , pizzas and 5galls of full fat coca-cola.

People who drive up my road and beep as they drive past one of neighbours houses as a ‘hello’

Co-op till staff. All of them. Doesn’t matter where you go, so SLOW.

And whilst we’re there;

Me: “Oh, I don’t need a carrier bag thankyou”
Them: “well… I’ll just bag it up for you”
Me: “no really I’ll carry…”
Then”you best have a carrier bag really, here you are”
Me “but…”

Superfluous adding of -oid to the end of a word such a factoid. Unchartered instead of uncharted.

Fingerbike – I share your pain.

Suicidal dumb effing pheasants

Being ‘blessed’ by someone in the office every time I sneeze.

People who want some free promo items from me then whine if I don’t ship next day air.

The bloke riding round swinley last weekend with crap music blaring out of his backpack.

People who complain about being done for speeding or parking on a double yellow.

There being no standard way for ending an email. (auto-footers, minefield, etc)

Here’s the thing. No-one, categorically no-one, reads any further than the body text of the email. You could email the CEO of the company and tell him to shove his proverbial up his arse, and you’d get away with it so long as you’d put it in the middle of the disclaimer.

Thanks / cheers / regards are all fine depending on whether you’re asking for something or telling someone something. “Kindest regards” and variations on that theme are over-egging the pudding. “Please do the needful” will have me working out whether I can get away with DDoSing your site.

The “content to bollocks” ratio of email is depressingly low these days. Your footer does not need to contain:

[list][*]Your name – I know your name, it’s in your email address.[/*]
[*]Your job title – frankly, the only person who gives a toss how important you are is you.[/*]
[*]Your qualifications – see the previous comment.
[/*][*]Your phone number – if I wanted to ring you a) I wouldn’t be emailing and b) I could just ask for it.[/*]
[*]Your address – what do you think I’m going to do, send you a postcard?[/*]
[*]Some tree-hugging waffle about printing emails – do you think anyone is going to think “I’ll just print this and… oh, maybe not? And what do you really care anyway?[/*]
[*]Sales / marketing info – I’ve already stopped reading.[/*]
[*]Your Twitter / Facebook / Linkedin link – if I wanted to follow you, I already would be.[/*]
[*]Legalese about how the content of the email is confidential and all sorts of other random nonsense. None of it is legally binding and in any case, pay attention, I’ve already stopped reading.[/*][/list]

My sign-off is my initial and a full stop. Despite what I’ve just said, my signature contains my name, phone number and job title because it’s just not worth the hassle to keep having arguments with my boss about not having it there. But it’s as succinct as I can have it. Oh, and my emails default to plaintext.

i have a lot of hate in me……

a short, but not comprehensive list, of those already on the kill list.
– people who use “of” when they should be using “have”.
– e-bikers in the mountains
– people who have their ear phones so loud evreyone else has to suffer (recently threatened a guy with my “zoll-stock” if he didn’t turn it off.
– kids generally.
– old people who go shopping during my lunch break
– police: the hypocracy of the police
– people who work for the state
– people who use ski poles/sticks when walking along the road (i.e. not in the hills)
– people who rely on GPS despite having been the same way many times before
– people who brake excessively
– people who skid
– surly shop staff
– people who belong to groups/clubs
– people who don’t drink alcohol
– people who drink too much alcohol
– people who have a problem with drugs
– people who count out the change to the exact amount
– people who do not carry cash and always pay by card
– the girl upstairs who can’t walk around her flat without seemingly auditioning for “Stomp”.
– people who buy flowers
– people who have more money than sense
– people who talk without saying anything
– people who complain about situations they created/can change
– people who think i care about their problems
– people who want to show you pictures of their offspring assuming i give a toss about what their spermy/eggy combo looks like

often i day dream about running amok with a gun.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEFj0Pngu_E[/video]

people who have a problem with drugs

Does “have a problem with” mean dislikes drugs/drug taking/drug takers or someone who is addicted to drugs?

^^ those who cane it and take too much powdery shite and think they are the bees knees.

^^those who have a problem when they smell weed or turn their nose up when someone mentions having a good time whilst being really high despite never having tried anything other than a beer or glass of wine.

People who think the answer to alleged damage caused by small, light and round things in their pockets is to put them all into together into a now singularly heavier, bigger and pointy-cornered thing.[/quote]

Not entirely sure that ten quids worth of accumulated loose change is smaller and lighter than the small leather drawstring bag I carry my loose change in.
And scrabbling around in the depths of a capacious pocket after change which is mixed in with othe assorted detritus, or struggling to retrieve loose change from a small tight pocket in a well-fitting pair of jeans is surely less practical than pulling one object, (a fairly small, round object) containing said loose change and tipping it into your hand.
And the main reason I use said little leather bag, is because carrying around shitloads of coins the size of £2 and 50p trashed my expensive Oakley wallet
I used to use cloth bags: the money wore holes in them. I also use the bag because other items like keys, etc, wear holes in my pockets that the change will fall through.
Perhaps people complaining about the use of such things have no need to carry money, because they have a lackey to do it for them.
Or they’re the Queen.

nickc – Member
Skinny verti cappuccino.. over my dead body will I request such a thing.

Munchausen’s Irritation by Proxy?

Congratulations, sir, outstanding work, there!
I’m making a note of that for future use. 😀

My right foot. It’s been itchy right in the middle of the sole for a week. There is nothing there for it to be itchy about, just looks totally normal. Grrr.

People who walk slowly on the narrow pavements of our town, texting, or some other device based activity. Grrr

People who wear sports clothes, who by simple observation of their size and shape and location, are not engaging in a sport. Grrr

Vague people. Grrr

Cougar – Moderator

Here’s the thing. No-one, categorically no-one, reads any further than the body text of the email. You could email the CEO of the company and tell him to shove his proverbial up his arse, and you’d get away with it so long as you’d put it in the middle of the disclaimer.

Speaking of which… My colleague does many annoying things but the most consistently irritating, is printing off emails with 50 pages of signature, then instantly turning and throwing all but one page in the bin. I see her do this about 20 times a day.

People who walk slowly on the narrow pavements of our town, texting, or some other device based activity. Grrr

You need to start reading over their shoulder, getting closer & closer to the screen

fake enthusiasm.
you make grumpy ****s like me seem even more miserable with your oh so amaaaazzzing stories of interminably amaaaaazzzing banality. **** off.

Movie trailers that say “Coming March Ten.” It’s **** tenth.

Oh yes, in that manly American accent. Horrible isn’t it?

Sportive signs warning the idiots who do them of hazards when the council have signs up already ie ,give way stop etc

Sportive signs warning the idiots who do them of hazards when the council have signs up already ie ,give way stop etc

Signs for any road based event (cycling, marathons etc) warning of the up coming event but not giving the actual date of the event “Road Race this Sunday” which are then left up for weeks and months after the event.

My right foot. It’s been itchy right in the middle of the sole for a week. There is nothing there for it to be itchy about, just looks totally normal. Grrr.

It means you owe someone money

Vague people. Grrr

You think you might owe it to me, not sure though.

People who say prostrate instead of prostate.

I’m very sorry to hear you have lying down cancer.

I hate coins in pockets! Always end up in wash, falling out and disappearing in a car seat. I hate notes as well. Cashless ASAP!

People who can’t use the forum quote function properly

People with no manners and litter ….
Don’t get me started about rude people dropping litter !

This thread was done after theotherjonv’s tights rantette on page 1.

But otherwise, going somewhere owned by a charity who like to claim gift aid on your entry fee, but charge extra if you pay with gift aid. How the hell is that appropriate behaviour?

I had to go back and check what I’d ranted. But I was right. Can you +1 yourself?

Which leads on to another petty irritant – politicians voting for themselves. On May 7th as the polls open, they’ll be one of the first in line at their home constituency to cast their vote. Presumably for themself, otherwise why bother? How gutting would it be to lose by one vote if you hadn’t voted for yourself?

But, and here’s the point; just as i can’t +1 my point about tights being an abomination, (which they are – for reconfirmation purposes I’ve just looked at several pictures of ladies in stockings and I promise you, they’re much better. Also bums, a thing of wonder, making them look like robbers faces by squashing them into tights is another injustice too far) – I digress; politicians shouldn’t be allowed to vote for themselves. But as the strongest supporters of democracy and the democratic process they should still vote. And then tell us who for, and why.

Also; they’re very busy. Being in some arse end place that would elect a chimp in an appropriately selected blue/red/yellow rosette because they always do serves no purpose on this day of days. They should either be on national TV convincing the marginal floaters, or in those constituencies campaigning hard for the vote that’ll make the difference. Surely a postal vote is their only option?

These are the questions i want answered on the leaders debate. Specifically the one about tights. Give me a manifesto pledge to increase VAT on tights and remove it on other hosiery items, and you have my vote. Throw in a sausage roll and I’ll even ham it up at the ballot box at 7am in a rosette of your choice for you.

People who refer to a Ferrari as a ‘rari

People calling their bike a whip.

Smatkins – who the heck do you hang around with? 😯

middleaged men in knee pads in the day, wanna be gangsters at night MoreCashThanDash

I hate coins in pockets! Always end up in wash, falling out and disappearing in a car seat.

Wallet.

Women… Makeup! Why? Utterly pointless and that shit’s expensive, world hunger could (almost) be ended if all the money spent on slap went to a better cause.

Women with no sense of decorum when it comes to ablutions.
Such as, “I need to go for a wee”, when they could simply say they needed the toilet.

A very senior manager signs his emithers “allbest” that bothers me.

People who walk through the enterance to a busy shop/supermarket and just stop…. It’s not a surprise, it’s a shop, you intentonally came here so keep walking..

The generally vile people I have to go to / from work every day who 1. Just throw whatever rag they’re reading on the floor when they’ve finished looking at the pictures – usually on my feet. How hard are litter bins to use? 2. Stink of fags. 3. Gas endlessly at 6am entirely inconsequentially; 4. Put their feet up on empty seats etc etc.

People who insist on paying for a couple of pounds’ worth of lunch by card – as above, with all the accompanying surprise and rummaging for said card when actually asked to pay.

Tailgating through speed limits only to disappear when the limit goes. You “drive” everywhere at 45 mph regardless, don’t you?

And the ridiculous and meaningless use of “like” randomly scattered in every sentence.

People who post long lists I CBA to read on threads which call for pithy one liners.