just looking for some Singletrack hive advice as I suspect people have been through this.

about 4 weeks ago I found the text messages on my wife’s phone on Saturday morning as I got the kids breakfast ready. They flashed up on the screen while it was charging. A man who she works with. Pretty hard core (literally) stuff going on.

we have two kids (8 and 10). I’ve moved out as she thinks that’s better for the kids.

She said she did it because she liked the attention from him and until the last year hadn’t ever looked at anyone but me. She’s not interested in trying with me (we had one counselling session) and is moving into rented accommodation in December and starting divorce proceedings. Apparently he’s not interested in her now. Whether that’s true I don’t know.

How on earth do you get through this? The people I’m most upset for are the kids. They’ll go from a family and a home, to two family’s and two homes. Financially we’ll both be screwed as we can’t afford to buy each other out the current house and houses prices are such that we’ll both be mortgaged to the hilt. I’m 45 and she’s 38.

It’s a monumental mess. I’m told it gets better but does anyone have any advice?

It’s a monumental mess. I’m told it gets better but does anyone have any advice?

Really sorry to hear this. Only advice I can give is from my brother’s solicitor who went through the same thing. That was to move back in as you have less rights if you’re not in the home. Sorry not sure of the exact details and if you feel much better not being there then do what’s best for you.

Soo sorry chap same happened to me, all I can say is it does get better but takes time and try to keep it amicable solicitors will turn it into a war and  cost you both an arm and a leg.

Good luck.

Lawyer up.

She is not trustworthy.

Sorry if that seems cold, but the next couple of months will set the tone for the rest of your life

I’ve moved out as she thinks that’s better for the kids.

Time and time again men make this mistake. Do not move out. To hell with her and what she thinks. It’s your home as much as hers, same with the kids. Start off 50/50 straight away. Prepare yourself for every dirty trick in the book to come your way. Get good professional legal advice now and act upon it.

So sorry to hear that rob2. Best advice I can give is not to lose your cool with her and keep the kids as your priority.

I’ve moved out as she thinks that’s better for the kids.

Sorry to say this but I think she has already mugged you off.

She got you to do exactly what is the best for her by using the kids as leverage.

Move back in and lawyer up.

Sorry to hear this and yes it’s going to be a rough ride. Swallow the financial hit and get a lawyer, but also try to keep it amicable and only use the lawyers to sort out the difficult stuff.

It does get better but the single piece of advice I can offer is to never criticise your wife in front of the kids. It’s hard as you will be frustrated and angry for a while but it will pay off in spades in your relationship with your kids for the rest of your life

Good luck and hang in there.

I’ve moved out as she thinks that’s better for the kids.

Time and time again men make this mistake. Do not move out.

I’ve never been divorced, but two best friends have been..

And ^ that is the advice they took. The “offending” partner was made to move out, and the guys looked after the kids.

Both went through Hell TBH, and as I’m a a good listener I ended up caught in the middle of “he said/she said” god that was awful..

Anyway, move back in today and get a decent lawyer.

Its not easy, you will be torn a million ways not all of them financially..

Sympathies rob2 – I don’t envy you. Seen this happen to friends a few times over the years and it’s usually a train wreck.

And when I say train wreck, I mean of epic proportions.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but what you need right now is to be clued up, fully informed and on top of your game. The quality of the next few years of your life depends on it.

Some things to keep in mind.

You need to look after yourself in order to be able to look after your kids. If at all possible ( as mentioned in a previous post) avoid fighting and/or name calling in front of the kids – be the better person. Whatever her reasons for doing what she did, you didn’t “make her do it” – don’t let her make you share the blame.

Good luck mate.

Sorry to hear that Rob.

Having seen two colleagues go through this recently, I can only echo what’s said above. Try to do things amicably, with the focus on kids and fair. But do get good legal advice, and be prepared for it to be difficult.

Best wishes for future.

Sorry to hear this rob2. A couple of times earlier on in my relationship with Lyanda it looked like we were heading the same way, but we managed to work through the issues. That was scary enough at the time. Neither of us was having an affair though. My current situation is completely different so can’t compare to that.

But, in my previous relationship (not married) my ex was having an affair. I moved out and lost everything, had all the debt in my name etc. I’m pretty sure she had planned it all, as I found out that’s how devious and two faced she is. I have 2 kids with my ex and thought I was doing the right thing by them. Relations were going well with the kids until me and Lyanda got married. Then my ex made it impossible to see them. She called the police and nspcc constantly on us for child abuse and a load more too. The last time i saw my 2 oldest was 8 years ago, despite me fighting to have a court order and constantly trying to see them.

The advice up there sounds good, wished I had similar when I needed it. Don’t do what I did at that time and think your doing the best for the kids, it will likely bite you in the ass somehow. Listen to what’s been said and think of yourself first, and include the kids within your decision. Don’t let her control what’s going to happen. In my experience it only leads to disaster.

Good luck with it all.

As above, I would take whatever she now says with a big pinch of salt, especially about her leaving the house in the future and her not seeing this man again. The opposite could be the truth.

Keep your belongings in the house, if you are unable to move back in.

From personal experience – I moved out and that was the biggest mistake I made.

Get back into your house now – don’t wait; if your name is on the deeds and on the mortgage you have an absolute legal right to live there.

Ask the kids what your missus has said about circumstances. Take kids to school and chat generally with other parents – without raising your personal circumstances unless they ask.

Get a good lawyer and by that I mean a family law specialist.

You should assume your missus will use the kids; too many divorces involve kids being ‘weaponised’ so be prepared for that.

You need to be strong, determined and prepared for a protracted potentially messy and vindictive time.

Thoughts are with you.

we have two kids (8 and 10). I’ve moved out as she thinks that’s better for the kids.

Sorry, that was an error. If it was better for the kids is that because she is able to do the childcare and not you (work etc)? It might have been better for the kids for the two of you to live under separate roofs but why you to move out? Could you have moved work around to be the primary carer and live in the house?

and is moving into rented accommodation in December

This also does not make sense, or needs more explaining. Does this mean you will have a family home that presumably you are paying a mortgage on that neither of you are living in and paying two lots of rent, or are you meant to be moving back in?

Tough situation.

Rob, really sorry to hear this.  An awful situation for you and your children.

My BiL went through this and he stayed in the home and has shared custody.  Perhaps because of that, he did get a little roasted financially – but not too badly…

Sorry to hear that mate.  I’ve nothing helpful to add I don’t think, but I’d echo,

I’ve moved out

… as being your first mistake, based on previous threads on here.  Doubly so as,

She’s not interested in trying with me

… so she’s the one wanting out, not you.  She either needs to make an effort or accept that she’s the one needing to be moving on.

Also,

Apparently he’s not interested in her now.

Why’s he still messaging her then?  That seems awfully convenient, he’s lost interest the second he’s been busted.

Having watched various friends divorce with differing amounts of animosity, the one thing I would do if I divorced would be to sell absolutely everything, house, car, furniture, whatever, and split the cash.

No remortaging to hold on to the family home – it always seems the one who does that ends up in bitter financial straits. Trying to hang on to the past never works.

Solicitors or mediators a necessity.

It is better to start afresh with a clean sheet.

Never had kids but been twice divorced, make sure you get out and socialise with your mates. Otherwise life can center far too much around the divorce!

From being a kid with divorced parents, their seperation was much better than the fighting. Take the kids out, do fun things!

Time and time again men make this mistake. Do not move out. To hell with her and what she thinks. It’s your home as much as hers, same with the kids. Start off 50/50 straight away. Prepare yourself for every dirty trick in the book to come your way. Get good professional legal advice now and act upon it.

From bitter experience?

From bitter experience?

Nope, never married but I’ve been there to pick up the pieces from too many men who were.

Recent experience of a friend is the opposite of the “don’t move out” advice, he had to for health reasons. Still no idea what the cause was but his mental health deteriorated to a point he needs meds and is seeing a councillor. Family councillor/meditation was tried but the councillor said it was a waste of time and money going back. Recent event when he was waiting for youngest to come out of gymnastics led him to lock himself in his car and call the police….. things escalated from there. He has spoken to 2 solicitors, one in England and one in Scotland where he is now living. On what he has told them he has done the right thing. All his stuff bar clothing is still in the house(rented due to previous financial issues)

+ side he got to see his eldest for the first time since June and youngest for a month thanks to a friend of the family… all went well.

As above it is going to be messy…..

http://Www.pavingexpert.com

Similar situation once upon a time, luckily no kids involved. Commiserations and it does get better in time.  As others have said, try hard to keep it amicable and be the better man, but ensure you’ve got a decent lawyer covering you in case the other party is less honourable.

Am I reading this wrong? It looks like rob2’s wife is the one moving out.

Can’t really agree with the “don’t move out” advise. My experience’s are if someone doesn’t you’ll drive each other mad. If both partners try to stick it out it’s the kids that will suffer. It was a massive relief for me and my brother and sister when my father left. He wasn’t a monster or anything but the arguments and tension in the house was awful.

I suppose the person who stays is the one most geared up and suitable to provide everyday child care. More often than not (exceptions obviously) it’s the woman.

Best if luck OP, things will get better.

Sadly its happening way to often nowadays, years ago adults sat down and talked it out,  or stuck together for the sake of the kids.

Seen a few people go through the same thing, its not nice for all, freinds also take sides.

Best wishes for the future.

Can’t really agree with the “don’t move out” advise.

Youve completely missed the point of the “don’t move out” advice. It’s nothing to do with the relationship and everything to do with his rights (and the effect moving out has on them)

Youve completely missed the point of the “don’t move out” advice.

You’ve completely missed the point of what’s best for the children advice. But i’ve voiced my experience, everyone’s got their own.

Re moving out or not, the main factor is the size of the mortgage, and how much of it has been paid off. If there is still a long way to go then the house tends to have to be sold anyway so it isn’t a major issue moving out. The people I know who’ve regretted moving out had either paid off the mortgage or were close to doing so, and consequently the other half was given the “family home” and they got very little in return.

A lot of people are staying together (separate beds/rooms) these days rather than divorcing as the mortgage is too big and they can’t afford separate places given how expensive the property market is. People like Sir Paul Coleridge instead think it’s because marriage as an institution is getting stronger – but it isn’t, it’s just too expensive to divorce for many.

You’ve completely missed the point of what’s best for the children advice

Unfortunate short-term pain. Nobody is telling him to stay to “stick it out”, just to stay long enough to make sure that the (already deceitful) wife doesn’t fleece him completely.

Thanks folks. It’s rwally hard to know what she says is a truth or a lie. It’s awful to feel that way. I suspect we will have to sell the house. It’s too big to afford on one salary alone. We just had a £100k extension completed when all this was going on. What a f@@@ .

I am sure that legally moving out puts you in a weaker position . Having said that I moved out of the house at her request after 15 years of marriage , a few months later my wife’s ” guitar teacher ” moved in . We remained friends and still are to this day . The children adapted to me living about half a mile away and had access to my home at any time . We sorted what child support I would give her  between us and my share of the house was bought out so other than myself everybody continued with life with as little change as possible . 15years on my now ex wife is married to her “guitar teacher” , I’m happily remarried , my ex and me are still friends , I think her new husband is a prick but hey ho , the children have all now grown up and left home and turned out great . Possibly we were just lucky but it doesn’t have to be a war and you don’t have to pay lawyers a fortune if you are grown up and sensible about it .

so other than myself everybody continued with life with as little change as possible

Except for the new bloke who moved in suddenly after you left? Doesn’t seem like that little a change.

Ok, firstly, this is shit for you; I’m going through a split, but for varying reasons.

It’s hard. I cry a lot, and get confused a lot, and think about going back a lot. But really, i think separation is best.

I’ve moved out… luckily I can afford to at the moment. It’s early days, but at the moment we’re just running 2 places.

I gained LOADS of advice from online resources, and Wikivorce phone calls.

You are NOT in a weaker position if you move out. Of course you still are on the mortgage deeds, and yes you can legally move back any time. But, it living together is too hard, then it’s fine to move out.
The advice I got was that the child arrangements are the key (i.e if you have them half the time whilst you’ve moved out, then it shows that can work). Secondly, the only time moving out is bad is if you end up living with a ‘rich lover’ who has their own house. It could be argued that you are financially sorted, and won’t need proceeds from the family home.

Basically, centre things mostly around the kids, but also you’re human too.

Women don’t automatically have the right to everything if child care is shared.

Good luck, lets look after each other eh!

DrP

Went through it in 1998 so 20 years ago now, I was gonna go and rent somewhere ,my MIL said don’t funnily enough and was the best advice I was given- put a lock on the master bedroom and moved her into the 4th box room.

It was a test of Wills and I hated the effect it had on the kids but everything she said was a lie and couldn’t trust her and eventually her boyfriend rented somewhere for her.

I was very low at times and it took a while to get over it but 20 years on she is still with him the kids are mid 20s and turned out fine, I am with someone else  since 2000 and I bare no malice …but! It didn’t feel like it at the time

hang in there and even start going out a little and live it’s good for the soul and if you do want to see if it can work there’s nothing like her seeing you move on to jolt her back to reality from her fairy dust unicorn daydream.

On the kids front, it’ll be a bit tough for them, but there’s a whole lot of people who experience this and kids are more resilient than you think.

Cheers DrP – I know exactly what you mean! Today has been about an 80 percent ok day so far. But there’s still the evening to do!

Document everything!!!

Keep a diary/timeline of conversations, incidents, photograph any notes etc.  As a body of evidence it can be invaluable.

Good luck, stay strong, it does get better x

Don’t be nice, she is already doing what is in her best interests and you are already getting screwed over. I don’t mean you have to be nasty to her but you do have to be firm and stand up for your rights. I’m sure other posters have far more experience on the legal side but make sure you don’t let her push you to ‘the path of least resistance’ you will regret it later on.