We have a Eurovision Party every year. Get in the booze and nibbles and watch the obviously bent voting.
The scoring formula goes like this.
1) If you can hear the sound of them revving their tank engines. – 20 points
2) If they could cut off your gas supply at the flick of a switch – 18 points
3) If they were once a part of the same nation (forgetting the small issue of genocide and ethnic cleansing) – 16 to 8 points
4) If they share the same hatred as you of the English – 6 points
5) If they are Ireland – 5 points
6) If they tolerate your illegal fishing in their coastal waters – 4 points
7) If the singer flashed her gusset* – 3 points
8 ) If the singer was an idiot dressed in some sort of tin foil covered gnome costume (France in other words) – 2 points
9) Folkie type song with a violin or accordion – 1 point
10) If you are a former imperial power**, member of the UN Security Council, rich industrial nation, if you are Israel or Belgium, if they are underwriting your national debt or actually paying for the production of Eurovision – 0 points
*A German gusset will get no votes from the Greeks (see point 10)
**Malta will always give the UK 12 points or more.
So, the winner will be a Ukrainian who plays the accordion and flashes her pants, irrespective of whether she can sing or not.