It’s a lemon entry, my dear Watson.

Absinthe makes the farts go Honda

Huts, oh naval huts
Cavalry take em and they cover em in chocolate

…..they put the left leg in, and that’s when the trouble started.

Oh, sorry, I thought you said “goats”.

“Hang on I’ll just go and check” …… BANG!!!!

“Tzar chasm is the Maoist form of wit”

“All the best ones Argon”

There’s 20 of them!

A dead epileptic.

(two of my favourites)

Then a cyclops comes round the corner and hits her.

and that’s the last time I show my cock to a priest

I am a country member

Bob.

“like a one eyed mouse … weeping”

Not everyone has been up the Eiffel Tower.

Your Mrs will always blow your bonus.

But you do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.

“But I shall be sober in the morning.”

Of Course both of them, what’s the point of **** one.

That’s ok I had to answer the phone anyway.

Thanks, I can get the brakes fixed on the van now.

You can’t eat a pig like that all at once.

“Snake”

Fsh

Only for a chocolate bun

It’s a knick-knack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.

The A-Team.

Apologies to anyone who knows that particular joke. It shouldn’t be funny. It really shouldn’t. But it is.

phunkmaster – Member
“‘Rectum’, miss? More like killed ’em”

Ooh I think you’ll find that one is
“‘Rectum’, miss? No, blew them to bits”.

The Aristocrats

When the schoolgirls dress like prostitutes and the prostitutes dress like schoolgirls.

“I am an Orthopaedic Surgeon. I work with my hands”

I can’t, it’s eating my popcorn.

He redecorated the whole house through the letterbox.

Get back up there and give him a piece of your mind, and I will hold your monkey.

You shag one sheep!

It’s great fun trying to remember the set ups in this thread.

And the Pope says ‘and loads of f***ing chips!’

They found his head and shoulders on the beach

But I’m alright nowwwwww!

The hans that do dishes are as soft as Eu Vasse, For lime-green hairy-lipped squid.

I just was about to post that one but I remembered it as

Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervais with a mild green, hairy lipped squid.

One of my favourite jokes.

Yes. Death by bunga-malunga.

And the Irishman replied “Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses”

“Alright, give me Hamm on five, hold the Mayo”

Get thee to a nonery
(I can’t actually remember the joke to that one, anyone here know it?)
.
Doctor Who?
.
That’s odd, you normally get tulip[s from hamster-jam.

Some great old gems there – Haven’t heard the “No tomatoes” joke from anyone apart from my old flatmate (circa 1989).

Can I add…:

You only get four fingers in a KitKat

Can you smell fish?

A carrot

“OK” said the Kiwi, as he turned round and stuck his head through the railings

“Aye, and it’ll grue some more if you keep your hand there”.