Person A & B

A: I am very upset at you because of the way you treated me yesterday
B: I am very upset at you
A: How did I upset you?
B: You don’t know?
A: I honestly don’t and cannot change my behaviour if I don’t know what I did wrong.
B: Tut
A: Please help me to understand what I am doing wrong
B: You show me no affection, I feel lonely
A: I find it difficult to when you are cruel towards me, I have been asking you not to be cruel towards me in a variety of ways for many years now.
B: Oh so it’s my fault is it?
A: Yes I feel it is, why won’t you stop ( apparently raising their voice to a shout at this point)
B: I am not going to stand here and be abused by you.
A: Pardon
B: You heard.
A: Right, I’m going out then
B: If you go out, don’t ever bother coming back.

Apparently this eventually leads to the following revelation

A: I have been prescribed anti-depressants because I am contemplating suicide after we argue.
B: Why have you not told me this
A: What difference would it have made to the way you treat me
B: Well you definitely better leave then, that decides it, how can we carry on after that.

I know there is another side to this and know also that A has in the past been very difficult to live with, however A tells me they have made a lot of changes to their personality to make B happy.

Seems to me that A is really struggling, is trying to keep the family together, needs help and should probably leave when they are ready, although I would say that as I’m closer to them. They won’t leave btw, they don’t have the guts. It’s the suicide risk that’s the real problem obv’s.

What I don’t get is B’s reaction, no conciliation, no compassion, even when they find out that A (who they supposedly love) is suicidal and on anti-depressants. Surely leaving the home is the worst thing for A at this moment in time.

Seems like B has the clarity to realise that one or both of them will not be able to change sufficiently to make a difference.

B is a narcissist and A needs to run for the hills.

B’s final advice on both counts is wise, go with that.

With no background to the situation, no knowledge of what has happened previously between these two people, who they are and what they are like, any opinion from a stranger is worthless.

Some people are dicks who have  personalities that have barely advanced from when they were small children. Part of the “fun” in life is identifying those people and distancing them from your world .

With so little to go on A, B or both could be ****s

On one hand, as another mentioned, it is hard to really know what it going on without knowing a lot more context but from that one small encounter…

It feels like B is mentally abusive towards A which leads to controlling A’s behaviour, in this case it to an extreme extent is A is considering suicide, something needs to be done ASAP. Ideally both need therapy and need to talk to professional people outside of the relationship to fix it, for different reasons. A to help them feel better and to build their confidence in themselves back. B to understand why they are mentally abusing this person and to try change that behaviour. I say this because I recognised exactly this behaviour (on a much less extreme level for both A and B in my case) in myself with my partner, I guess it can be quite risky or difficult to admit that on a public forum but I am happy to because we’re dealing with it and things are so much better because of communication, talking things through and the willingness to admit to problems/mistakes.

I’ve learned through this that usually the hardest thing is getting B to admit there’s a problem, that they are mentally abusive. Especially when B probably doesn’t even realise they are doing it most of the time as it usually isn’t intentional.

I could go on pointing out all the details in that conversation that I recognise were problems with my own relationship and what it means but I think it would be too much speculation without knowing more. From a general point of view though it seems like B is controlling A and is mentally abusive, probably doesn’t know it and has a problem with empathy/compassion that needs dealt with. A needs support, so if you’re a good friend then do what you can to help them.

This is a red flag:

A: I have been prescribed anti-depressants because I am contemplating suicide after we argue.
B: Why have you not told me this

The response to A confessing that they considered suicide is another criticism from B about how it affects B.

B appears to have not enough compassion towards A and could be showing narcissistic tendencies. This one too:

A: I find it difficult to when you are cruel towards me, I have been asking you not to be cruel towards me in a variety of ways for many years now.
B: Oh so it’s my fault is it?

Either B is at fault or the exchange is reported from the point of view of A.

Remember that a relationship is not a competition. Both sides need to be open, humble and to seek genuine understanding of the other’s point of view. Otherwise the relationship and all future relationships are doomed one way or the other.

Oh, and it’s worth noting that people are often defensive like B because they are hugely insecure and they don’t even recognise it themselves. A lot of people are brought up in a competitive environment and do not know any other way. Even some of the most compassionate people I know show this kind of deflection of responsibility. To be open about your failings requires security and safety.

and we know A is telling the truth because?

As NickC said above – must take note myself and learn more from this understanding

It sounds like they have a messed up relationship with 0 communication. Both should grow up and take some responsibility for their actions. Evidence of their poor communications is how A breaks the news to B, and how B reacts.

The viscous circle: I am mad about something you did, therefore I will behave like X, which will make you mad, and therefore you will behave like Y, which will make me mad. Which then probably escalated to history time and then climaxed in the bombshell revelation, which comes across as another shitslinging opportunity.

Have a read of Eric Ericsons book “The Games People Play.”

Also have a look at The Karpman Drama Triangle.

Transactional Analysis might be useful as well.

Without context, nobody can help you understand imo.
Both seem like they need help in different ways though. Professional help to be honest.
If you want to be a friend, recommend that to them.

Stop making vaguebook posts and leave her. It won’t get any better.

Counselling for both.

I’m not sure if I’m A or B though….