Had a bit of a moment of realisation/clarity this morning. I’ve had issues for a long time, often changing jobs, flaking out of bug achievements just before the crucial moment, feeling unfulfilled with stuff I though would mean a lot to me then didn’t.

I think the penny sort of dropped a bit that I’m a massive people pleaser. It’s not just destructive to me but to others around me because in effect, it’s fraud/lying. I’m always writing cheques I can’t pay.

Has anyone self identified with this and if so did any of you seek professional help or just any kind of help in general. The time has come to do something about this now that I’m seeing the effects of it more and more on me and others around me.

This on a cycle forum? You are Boris Johnson and I claim my five pounds.

(if genuine then I apologise. wel done for recognising it and I hope you get sorted)

This on a cycle forum? You are Boris Johnson and I claim my five pounds.

(if genuine then I apologise. wel done for recognising it and I hope you get sorted)

If only he could have the same epiphany!

Why do you think you are flaking out? Are you becoming overwhelmed? If so maybe its better to concentrate on dealing with the stress. Detaching yourself, worrying about what you can control and not what you can’t.

I don’t give a **** about many things. So my wife bought me this book as she thought it would be funny for me to see the other side.

I haven’t read it, because I don’t give a **** about it, but YMMV.

Concentrate on pleasing yourself, not others. They will get on fine on thier own. You need some time just to do the things you want.

I’ve had issues for a long time, often changing jobs, flaking out of bug achievements just before the crucial moment, feeling unfulfilled with stuff I though would mean a lot to me then didn’t.

This basically describes me from throughout my 20s and still does to a certain extent.

For me it wasn’t people pleasing though. It was more that I was fundamentally unhappy and I always thought that fulfilling some goal would make me feel fulfilled. It obviously never did.

Realising that no achievement or lifestyle change was going to make me happy was a really rough time for me as I couldn’t find any reason to go on living other than the pain it would cause those around me.

Sort of got through it but I still find myself struggling with the same issues sometimes.

This basically describes me from throughout my 20s and still does to a certain extent.

For me it wasn’t people pleasing though. It was more that I was fundamentally unhappy and I always thought that fulfilling some goal would make me feel fulfilled. It obviously never did.

Realising that no achievement or lifestyle change was going to make me happy was a really rough time for me as I couldn’t find any reason to go on living other than the pain it would cause those around me.

Sort of got through it but I still find myself struggling with the same issues sometimes.

Yeah I think a lot of that resonates with me. I’m always trying to find the next achievement or lifestyle choice that will ‘satisfy’ my needs but they never fix a problem so it makes it harder every time.

Sorry to rant by the way, I don’t really have a lot of people in my life that I feel comfy discussing this stuff with.

To a degree it came out when I had real issues with anxiety and depression a few years back.

I got counselling through work and it came up there. No real resolution other than to scale back how much I was trying to do outside work to please others (did a lot of volunteering roles), so I’m kind of at a comfortable level, but I’m much more comfortable in and out of work turning down requests for me to pick up other stuff.

The self destructive thing is slightly separate and very much anxiety/depression connected. Comes and goes, was horrendous at the beginning of last week, but the desire to tell everyone to **** off and just walk off into the sunset was overwhelming at times. Suddenly seemed to resolve overnight Wednesday and I just got back on it, but was very close to going to the Drs and begging for some meds

Rant/vent away- better out than in after all!

I found that cutting those people who were takers out of my life helped me loads- stopping giving (too much of) a ****, as it were- whether that’s with family, friends or work stuff. It’s ok to say ‘no’ to stuff you don’t agree with, don’t want to do or just can’t be bothered with. Living your life according to others’ expectations is no way to be on.

It’s tricky not to violate Rule #1 in this instance but sometimes by being a bit of a **** now you can stop larger twattery down the line.

Used to, this book changed my life https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97642.No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy

Also learning about and trying to apply Stoicism helps https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-good-life

For me it wasn’t people pleasing though. It was more that I was fundamentally unhappy and I always thought that fulfilling some goal would make me feel fulfilled. It obviously never did.

Realising that no achievement or lifestyle change was going to make me happy was a really rough time for me as I couldn’t find any reason to go on living other than the pain it would cause those around me.

Sort of got through it but I still find myself struggling with the same issues sometimes.

Much better description of the mess I’m in! 🤣

recognise that.

i always manage to honor the cheques im writing, but its to the detriment of my health/life, which nobody else cares about, which is pretty soul destroying. No idea how to break the cycle, but will look at a couple of the options above…. just as soon as ive done my job, helped ‘him’ not screw up his job, covered ‘that’ gapped job and come up with a plan to keep everyones plates spinning

(typed three hours ago, got distracted sorting out someone elses sh1t, now lost 90mins of my evening – if only i could take my own advice….)

I think the penny sort of dropped a bit that I’m a massive people pleaser.

Your efforts here are proof of the contrary. 😉

@airvent there are folks who will shamelessly exploit those who don’t set clear boundaries and are keen to please. From my own experience, some of the most stressful episodes of my life had their origin in failing to say no to people. I don’t know what your individual situation is but I would say make this a priority issue to address.

It might be worthwhile speaking to someone to tease out what is driving the desire to please and putting yourself last. Chatting to a professional might help you recognise the triggers and be more mindful of the behavioural response.

Just wondering if this is something you experience too: I’ve recently been a bit sensitive to people misconstruing what I say as me taking offence to something, and then their reaction to what they think is me being offended, ends up being the thing that actually offends/upsets me! But if I interact with them any more, it has the effect of proving to them I’m offended about the thing I wasn’t offended by! I kind of felt like that had been a pattern throughout my entire life a couple of weeks ago. Either that or they’re messing with my head. Regardless it’s caused me to reduced interaction with some people unless necessary for work.

This definitely sounds a lot like me, especially in the decade of my 20s (still very recent). Many of the comments also echo my behaviours. The phrase I was musing the other night when I couldn’t sleep was ‘not a bad life, but definitely a sad life’. I’m very jaded right now.

I 100% recommend Mark Manson (author of the book image above). I’m not sure what my life would look like if I hadn’t discovered his profanity ridden musings, but it would probably be a lot worse to what I have now. The good thing is a lot of his best work is actually free – check out his online blog, or if you’re driving/walking then try the podcasts which are the same material read aloud. I think the better book of his is actually the one about hope, and why our desire for a better life ultimately ends up being the cause of our own misery rather than the solution, but Subtle Art is a good bit of pre-reading. Seriously, check the blog first though, it is freeee!

If you want a copy of No More Mr Nice Guy I do actually have that in hardback somewhere too. If you PM me I can post it to you. I liked it, and it was a big influence for Manson to for sure, but I prefer his books. They speak my (foul) language a bit more.

Honestly, the blog made more of a difference than therapy and cost way less.

I haven’t read it, because I don’t give a **** about it, but YMMV.

It makes me wonder how he got around to writing it if he doesn’t give a ****.  Maybe it would become apparent if I read the book but

I haven’t read it, because I don’t give a **** about it, but YMMV.

Your efforts here are proof of the contrary. 😉

This is exactly what I thought.

there are folks who will shamelessly exploit those who don’t set clear boundaries and are keen to please.

Yep. I started to realise this in my late 20s/early 30s at work and then set hard limits on what I committed to taking on (and completing). I thought this would go down like a lead balloon with my manager and other folk I had to deliver for but quite the opposite happened. By ensuring my results were always as expected – timeous and of good quality – my reputation at work improved hugely. That carried through when I was in management too. I never committed my team to anything unachievable, even though it could usually be challenging.

Came her to say read no more mr nice guy as others have said above, if you are one it will be a wake up call