- No America. Please don't. Please please please please…
as usual south park tells distills mormonity to the essentialsPosted 5 years ago
Met loads of Mormons, seem generally nice people. And their beliefs aren’t that much weirder than Obama’s professed faith.
I think an important difference is that Obama wasn’t a Bishop in his “professed faith” and doesn’t seem to have religious views that sound very worrying to secular people like me.Posted 5 years agoworsMember
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
😀Posted 5 years agodabbleMember
Christ is going to reign from Jerusalem & Missouri?
Its as good a place as any, i for one reckon he’ll sit on a golden throne on top of mount everest, he will be able to see everything from there wi his super jesus eyes and his voice will bellow across the plains, oceans and tundra proclaiming his will to all mankind.Posted 5 years ago
How can anyone in this day and age actually believe in an all supreme being or deity such as a “God” figure who made/designed man and every other creature on the planet, it astounds me to think that to be president you need to have a belief in “God” and show it publicly, to myself a true belief in God shows a valid admission of insanity.
I truly fail to see how any reasonable person who has the most rudimentary education can still believe in an omnipotent supreme being, what’s the difference between a belief in God/believing God communicates to you and a schizophrenic hearing voices in their head? – i fail to see a noticeable difference.Posted 5 years agomolgripsSubscriber
I truly fail to see how any reasonable person who has the most rudimentary education can still believe in an omnipotent supreme being
Hehe.. nice irony there 🙂
she’ll be sniffing coke from the cameramans biceps and making the intern dance naked on the beach by the time the results are in
Let me just think about that for a minute. Ok I’m off to bed, night folks 🙂Posted 5 years ago
It’s actually rather useful to watch the US States call either republican or democrat, any state that has an inbred majority that votes republican is added to my “places to never visit list”….so thats south carolina, kentucky, indiana, west virginia so far.
I don’t think i’d get let into the states anyway due my past indiscretions so i guess it’s all immaterial but it’s nice to know what states have the largest population of **** nut-jobsPosted 5 years ago10Subscriber
It’s quite concerning, after a quick poll of my colleagues, Romney seems to be favourite. The major reason being Obama wants to help people. They also don’t think his Mormon faith should be considered, but are convinced Obama will turn the US to Islam. They’re not idiots, just unfortunately prone to listening to people who may be.Posted 5 years agobinnersSubscriber
They’re not idiots? Are you sure? I’d suggest there actions speak otherwise.
If you readily accept what you’re being told, without at least questioning the motivation of those telling you it, and maybe looking at an alternative opinion, then that pretty much fits the dictionary definition of an idiot, surely?Posted 5 years agobinnersSubscriber
The advertising/propaganda they run over there is absolutely gob-smacking! Mind you, so is what they pass off as ‘news’. Makes you sort of thankful for the eye-roll, as you reach instictively for the remote, as a party political broadcast on behalf of the lib Dems makes a thankfully brief pre-election apearencePosted 5 years agobwaarpMember
t’s actually rather useful to watch the US States call either republican or democrat, any state that has an inbred majority that votes republican is added to my “places to never visit list”….so thats south carolina, kentucky, indiana, west virginia so far.
That’s a shame, as many of those states are stunning and the people are friendly – it’s just they’re a bit deluded. Weirdly I’m rather fond of Texans.Posted 5 years ago
I’m sure they are “stunning” but i have never been interested in visiting the states and the older i get (40-gulp!) the more i agree with my reasoning, when i go abroad i tend to go for at least 4-6 months at a time which rules out any country where you cannot live for £5 – £10 per day.
(Although i do plan to visit my fathers sister in Canada as she has a cabin/studio in Halifax, Nova Scotia and a cabin up the Yukon somewhere, it’s so isolated that you need a canoe and many days travel to reach it – my kind of place i think.)Posted 5 years agobwaarpMember
Definately, I really want to try to move to Canada – my ideal setup would be a house in the suburbs then one a couple of hours outside Vancouver in the wilderness that I can retreat to. That would be bliss.
The worst Americans I have ever met were rich upper class New York democrats with that accent that sounds like they’re attempting to be British. I always put on my poshest public school accent that I can muster and try to out snob them.Posted 5 years ago
Yeah, Canada would perfectly acceptable for myself, no question about it, a small cabin up the yukon and perhaps a proper trail hound that can run with the bike all day as well and i’d be more than happy with my lot.
I have to say I’ve never really met any objectionable Americans, all those whom i’ve met have been really nice/educated and almost apologetic when the subject of American politics or the like is brought up, i guess if you travel abroad as an american then you are automatically in the top few %.Posted 5 years ago
Hahahaha, this guy is unelectable without the media BS!
They both had PLENTY of that:
[Obama] and Mr Romney, as well as their respective allies, have spent more than $2bn (£1.25bn) – largely on adverts in swing states.
Not that you can believe anything in the mainstream media though.Posted 5 years ago
What does YouTube say? 😉
Exactly graham, he is completely unelectable and not even worth considering, Obama is doing everything the money men want. The only way to move out of the recession is to get the US banks under control and the other banks and create an environment of stability and trust between normal hard working people and the banking system.
Obama has no real power the entire democratic voting system is simply a con to fool stupid people into handing over sovereignty and as such control of their lives to rich people.
Name one political party that made a real difference or wasn’t about as much use as a wet fart in a stuck lift!
This is how the US banking system collapsed http://vimeo.com/27292661
These bastards paid of the loan rating companies, then made money selling loans that were dodgy, then they insured the loans so that they would get paid when they eventually collapsed.
Not too mention how much legislation they had changed to do so and how many people warned about the collapse, everyone involved benefited from the massive fraud committed and they are all still employed in the banking system?Posted 5 years ago
Obama is doing everything the money men want.
Erm.. surely Romney is the Republican: generally in favour of big business and low business taxes, no social care, aggressive foreign policy etc?
Romney pledged to lower corporate tax by 25%
Obama also wants to lower corporate tax, but pay for it but eliminating tax breaks and introducing new minimum tax rates for US companies that hide assets offshore.
I would have thought “the money men” would have preferred Romney.Posted 5 years ago
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