Married Finances – Separate accounts or fully shared?

what else should i call it?

Call it whatever you like, it’s nobodies business other than your own!

theotherjonv – the more you type the more it sounds like an account from the 50’s – but as footflaps says it’s your business and you can do as the two of you like.

We’ve been together 20 years, though not married.

Until we bought our current house 5 years ago, we had always had separate accounts. I guess it stems from having met young enough that having one’s own account was still an indication of independence.

On taking the mortgage for this place, we also opened a joint account for fixed and joint responsibilities. I funded it. She spent from it.

Over time I’ve managed to nudge her towards shoving into the joint account some financial liabilities she was paying. And recently she’s also started punting money into it – too much TBH, leaving stray money each month. The trouble is, I don’t feel I can claim it as mine (so don’t sweep it into savings for example) and she isn’t sufficiently organised to know whether the debit card she is using for her discretionary expenditure is for her bank account or the joint account.

But, in spite of this recent balance I continue to bear a disproportionately large financial responsibility. I think it’s psychological: because I earn more and therefore have more disposable income, the significant majority of non-fixed and discretionary expenditure always falls to me. Can be frustrating at times.

We enjoy a very equal relationship, but in many ways our money would be better organised by just one of us and not left to a couple of reasonable earning but disorganised individuals to manage.

We have a joint account that we both contribute equally to (we work for ourselves, and both ‘earn’ the same). This joint account is used to pay for anything that is a DD/standing order.

We then both spend using our own accounts/credit cards. If one of us pays for something that we both think is a joint thing, we then take (1/2) the money back out of the joint account.

All car expenses (except fuel), house renovation, gardening etc is deemed joint. And I usually pay the majority of the shopping, as I do it as my OH has a long commute, while she balances it with her horse costs.

Neither of us really care about who pays for what, or whether it’s “fair” – as luckly we live a decent lifestyle.

The kids are all working now, but when my OH didn’t work I just paid for everything – she just told me how much to transfer to her.

Although talking to my Dad, he went from giving all his wages to his Mum and getting some back to been married and doing the same with Mum. Never bothered him, and also meant he didn’t have to worry about money as Mum just sorted it – and she still does, +50 years later 🙂

theotherjonv » If the kids need school shoes this month, she’ll have slightly less* for herself.

Wow!

Oh FFS. Is it because it’s a ‘childcare’ cost? – i am already giving her 1/3 of my salary a month on top of her earnings exactly so she has money to cover this sort of thing. If it was in a joint account you wouldn’t even comment, the fact I give it to her with the discretion to spend it how she wants – that makes me controlling or something?

When the CH pump packed up and cost a couple of hundred to replace i didn’t dock ‘her’ money to compensate. That’s on my side, and I paid it. Meant i had to cut down on some of the stuff I’d have liked to have done this month.

We’ve been together 21 years now, married 16, kids for 13 of them and it works just fine. Thanks very much.

Oh FFS. Is it because it’s a ‘childcare’ cost? – i am already giving her 1/3 of my salary a month on top of her earnings exactly so she has money to cover this sort of thing. If it was in a joint account you wouldn’t even comment, the fact I give it to her with the discretion to spend it how she wants – that makes me controlling or something?

I think it’s because fundamentally, you see it as “your money” and “her money”.

Joint account for everything here I cant see why you wouldn’t from a simplicity point of view.

If we want to buy something we just go ahead and buy it, unless its an expensive purchase.

I work slightly reduce hours too, and earn probably 1/3 what Mrs FD does, but we share it all equally because the decisions about the hours I work and the type of job I do were decisions made jointly.

fascinating thread.

all joint and shared here, although i do skim £50 a week into a personal account for all bike shiz

But we have hers, mine and ours, just that some of ours (the bit that pays mortgages, insurances, utility bills, her PCP, the phone bill, the TV licence, the……) comes out of my account and some of it (the food shopping, the school costs, the pet insurance) comes out of her account which I top up anyway.

As said before, when first together we had to keep accounts separate for very good reasons. And having worked this way since 1995 the only reason to start her paying a chunk of her salary and me paying a chunk of mine into a joint account, and moving all of the DD and SO’s over to that account, and then determining the disposition of any excess or shortfall depending on ‘non-recurring’ costs that may or may not come in seems to be that it’ll keep some people on here happier?

I think it’s because fundamentally, you see it as “your money” and “her money”.

This is why we now have a joint acc which the salary gets paid into, as times gone on the concept of seperate money has faded into just ‘ours.’ For me, this didnt happen when we got married, but when we bought a house that needed a lot of work on it it got too complicated to be working out who spent what and divying it up fairly.

Mrs Eyepic gets paid into a joint account… this account pays all the bills … mortgage, electricity, phone ,tv ,everything that can be put onto a DD. There is always some money left at the end of the month.

I get paid into another joint account… tis is for food, fun, petrol, bikes etc…. there is sometimes money left at the end of the month.

Periodically we take the excess money and put it into joint savings.

Been like that for 32 years… don’t do separate.

I earn get paid the most but it all goes in one pot. Couldn’t imagine any other way. Both work hard and neither of us have expensive habits so it works fine. Sometimes “we” have money sometimes “we” are a bit skint, slife innit.

SIL and BIL have theres separate and from the outside it looks weird and I know it causes friction. For example if something needs paying for that is classed as “family” then each avoids paying. Maybe its more to do with the relationship than the viability of seperate accounts.

Joint account for everything here I cant see why you wouldn’t from a simplicity point of view

Simplicity? Telling your work to change the account you have your salaries paid into? Change all your personal direct debits to the joint account? And no doubt other, tiresome bureaucracy that just reminds you that every minute filling in a form is a minute closer to death.

Far better to do nothing for as long as possible IMO. and that means separate accounts with a direct debit into a joint one for bills, meals out, holidays and stuff.

But we have hers, mine and ours, just that some of ours (the bit that pays mortgages, insurances, utility bills, her PCP, the phone bill, the TV licence, the……) comes out of my account and some of it (the food shopping, the school costs, the pet insurance) comes out of her account which I top up anyway.

As said before, when first together we had to keep accounts separate for very good reasons. And having worked this way since 1995 the only reason to start her paying a chunk of her salary and me paying a chunk of mine into a joint account, and moving all of the DD and SO’s over to that account, and then determining the disposition of any excess or shortfall depending on ‘non-recurring’ costs that may or may not come in seems to be that it’ll keep some people on here happier?
Do what you like, but you did ask the question…

i am already giving her 1/3 of my salary a month on top of her earnings exactly so she has money to cover this sort of thing

Personally, the concept of you giving her money so she can buy school shoes for your child seems completely alien.

It seems a lot of people here are moving money between theirs and their spouses separate accounts. It’s just adding an unnecessary extra step, am I missing something?

Yeah, I wondered if someone would call me out on that when I was typing it. Thing is, it’s a relatively rare occurrence.

All the household bills come out of my account, so there’s always the right money in place (I don’t have to worry that we’ve over/underpaid into the joint account on a given month). Lump spends like holidays are coming out of hers.

The only benefit I can see to having a joint account is to use it as a stealth savings account by overpaying each month. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, I’m not saying there isn’t other benefits, I just can’t see what they are.

Personally, the concept of you giving her money so she can buy school shoes for your child seems completely alien.

+1

Yeah, I wondered if someone would call me out on that when I was typing it. Thing is, it’s a relatively rare occurrence. [/quote] 😆

TBH, some of the previous replies to yours suggested it was happening every month.

If you do have separate accounts and your Wife doesn’t work much, what IS a reasonable amount to give them for them to pay for fuel, food, kids stuff and her stuff per month? No household or car bills included.

It’s clearly not a black and white situation. Some people are just terrible with money. My ex was. Earned well but spent every penny she earned, every penny I earned and racked up debts on credit cards that I had to pay off every year. If two people are fundamentally different in their approach to managing money then a separation of funds is key.

If however both of you can be sensible or you both equally as reckless then by all means a truly joint approach will work.

What works for you doesn’t necessarily work for others. Would be good if folk remembered that…

Personally, the concept of you giving her money so she can buy school shoes for your child seems completely alien.
+1

Whereas if i put it into a joint account so that we can both buy them together then that would make you happier?

It’s the same money from the same source being spent on the same thing – why does it matter what the number on the bank card is?

convert – Member

I’ve seen a few mention ‘I give her a housekeeping allowance’ or words to that effect. That just sounds so alien to me, like from another age. I’m surprised there are still folk that use that language.

I know what you mean, in my house we have a ‘household’ account (sub account of Mrs current account as it goes) it pays all the bills, it’s separate from current accounts, for me it means I won’t accidentally spend the Gas Bill money on a pair of tyres or something, for my Wife it means she doesn’t have to keep a tally of how much she has left – slightly different due to the way our brains work.

It is my Wife’s job to manage it, I put in more than her as I earn more, it leaves us with the same amount of disposable money-ish, but she makes sure the bills are paid, on time etc as that one of her jobs.

If it makes you feel any better my jobs include the food shopping, cooking and dishes.

If you want to know how we allocated the ‘jobs’ when we moved in together, on the day I moved in, I was earning more than the national average and on the verge of bankruptcy, She was a student, single Mother who had/has a perfect credit history and has never got so much of a reminder letter for a bill, but she can’t cook for shit 😉

If you want a degoratory term, my Mum has a ‘pin money’ account my Dad pays her pocket money into.

If you do have separate accounts and your Wife doesn’t work much, what IS a reasonable amount to give them for them to pay for fuel, food, kids stuff and her stuff per month? No household or car bills included.

My wife works as an admin / TA at a school for SEN kids. Pay isn’t huge and it’s on a 40/52 basis – so her annual salary is multiplied by 40/52 to account for the weeks off but then paid in 12 monthly instalments.

I then put about 1/3 of my after tax pay into her account as well, which pretty well doubles it.

I’m not saying what i get, but the maths astute will soon work out if I give her 1/3 of my after tax and that doubles her up, then what i have left is broadly the same as she has.

As said before I pay pretty much all of the household bills; she pays for food shopping and school / childcare stuff. Yes, including their **** shoes!!

If you wrote down all expenditure, after all ‘fixed’ costs are accounted she has far more discretionary spending than me anyway, and it’s not as if they have shoes every month (it just seems like it). That seems fair to me as i have enough to keep me happy in general (CH pumps aside) and she can stack some back so that when holiday time comes and they go places and do stuff she has the money for it.

I know it’s not a number which was the question – unless you’re aware of SEN school admin staff pay scales – but of course you have to cut cloth to suit. If we had less, we’d buy cheaper stuff and give up some of the luxuries.

TBH, some of the previous replies to yours suggested it was happening every month.

We had to do a bit of creative juggling when she was out of work for health reasons, but haven’t done it at all since she started back at work.

Whereas if i put it into a joint account so that we can both buy them together then that would make you happier?

It’s the same money from the same source being spent on the same thing – why does it matter what the number on the bank card is?

As I said, do what you like, but the idea of my/ her money seems very odd – it’s ours and has been since before we were married. I do earn a fair bit more than my wife btw.

Don’t worry Jonv, you’re not the only one. My first marriage we both worked and had our own accounts and a central account we both paid a fair proportion of our salaries to cover all the bills.

The current Mrs R (of 20 years) never wanted that arrangement and so she’s kept her account and I keep mine, paying a sum into her account to keep her in Chanel No. 5 and other essentials such as kids stuff and food. Also, I’m pretty good with money, so able to budget and decide what we can can’t afford to do.

Yes, I’m IN CONTROL…but we’ve never had money problems, overdrafts or credit card debts.

As I said, do what you like, but the idea of my/ her money seems very odd – it’s ours

As i said, we have mine, hers and ours, it’s just ours is split between our two current accounts rather than in a third one just to conform to others expectations.

It’s not hard to work out which ‘ours’ is because it’s whatever gets spent on stuff ‘for us’

I’ve seen a few mention ‘I give her a housekeeping allowance’ or words to that effect. That just sounds so alien to me, like from another age.

It does but I understand it too. Where we live, a lot of women are stay at home parents / ladies who lunch and their main responsibility is to manage the ‘household’ funds.

My salary is paid into my wife’s account simply because when we got married her bank was paying better interest than mine. She earns more than I do. We have no individual savings (ignoring ISA allowances etc) which she organises. I have no idea how internet banking works and have no desire to. My wife often jokes that if something happened to her, I’d be asking friends to borrow a few quid until I’d worked out what banks we use.

I know our PIN. I assume there’s a cash point card in her pit of hell handbag.

Relish in the lack of responsibility.

I do do all my ‘turns’ be it attending children’s friend’s birthday parties, tax, MOT, lawn mowing and dish washing etc. I do what I’m told!

I’m also available for advice on how to tidy so abysmally you’ll never be asked again 🙂

As i said, we have mine, hers and ours, it’s just ours is split between our two current accounts rather than in a third one just to conform to others expectations.

We’re going round in circles:
1. You are allowed to arrange your finances as you wish.
2. I am allowed to think that your arrangements are weird.

Coldplay > how on earth do you buy anything? Do you just ask your wife to order it if you want a new bike or, I don’t know, a sandwich or something?

3. I’m allowed to point out why it isn’t, and it is in fact just as equitable as anyone else’s and I don’t need to feel like Victorian husband.

3. I’m allowed to point out why it isn’t, and it is in fact just as equitable as anyone else’s and I don’t need to feel like Victorian husband.

4. I’m allowed to point out why I think it is, and from what you’ve said is about attitude rather than practicalities.

Anyway, you seem quite sure that you’re right about all this, and certainly don’t need my approval, so what’s the problem?

No problem at all. Just wondering why you keep having to have the last word. If my wife did that i’d dock her a day’s allowance 😉

(and it’s pure practicalities – initially we had to have separate finances and now we just can’t be arsed to amend them and move dozens of DD’s and SO’s and employer details and….. when what we have works just fine)

The banks will very happily move all your DDs and SOs for you. It’s not difficult, and given how gash some banks are these days, and how good others are…

3. I’m allowed to point out why it isn’t, and it is in fact just as equitable as anyone else’s and I don’t need to feel like Victorian husband.

Maybe it’s the way you explained it. But your wife juggling the money needed to run the house, feed the kids and put shoes on their feet and that having a direct correlation to what she, and only she, has left for her own needs does make it sound that way.

“Welcome home darling, here’s your dinner. The children ate earlier – I made them a mutton broth and darned billy’s socks instead of buying new so I had enough left over to buy myself this pinafore – I hope it meets with your approval” 😉

Get rid of the blue bills and the pink bills – lob both your cash in one pot and welcome to the 21st century. 🙂

No problem at all. Just wondering why you keep having to have the last word. If my wife did that i’d dock her a day’s allowance

Well you could do that, but then your children might have to go barefooted 😉

@Cougar – envelopes.

At the start of the month multiple envelopes are filled with money.

nanny salary
elec. bill
water bill
4 x petrol for motorbike
4 x diesel for truck
4 x grocery
4 x wife and my socialising
4 x family meal out
4 x beer after Friday ride money

etc

If I were to want to buy a bike I’d ask / discuss it with her. I’ve always got what I wanted as I don’t want the latest a greatest.

My life is very boring (but I like it). I pass a single shop riding to school (where I teach). Free coffee and meals at school. Ride home. Play with the children / study. Have tea. Bed. Our weekends are spent as a family. Beach usually. I don’t have a need to spend money.

Enveloping has helped us save well over the years.

Anyone’s partner not work? Not including disability etc.

Haven’t read through whole thread but…

My partner and I have both been married before. We have no desire to be financially obliged to each other, like we were in our marriages.

I transfer her my share of the bills every month and she pays them. No need for joint accounts.

I did joint accounts with an old girlfriend years ago. I hated it being her business what I spent, and my business what she spent. Just split the bills (in a ratio that works for you) and keep your own money 🙂

We have no desire to be financially obliged to each other

Why would you feel that way anyway?

I think the critical thing is to have a deal that works for yuo and that you both are comfortable with. I know ALL the women I know would not like not having their own money.

Molgrips – if you don’t have your own money then you feel you have to ask the other for “permission” to spend money – hardly equitable.

I like to have a partnershp of equals